Preview Banters - Page Three

Safana-Khalid (by Kiki and husband)

Safana: So, Khalid, aren't you wondering what would take such a charming creature as myself so far from home?

Khalid: I'm s-sorry, Safana, I was thinking about something. What did you s-say?

Safana: Aren't you wondering anything about me? Or are you completely blinded to my presence by your overseer?

Khalid: I d-don't know what to ask you. And your interest in me is a little s-strange. Surely my d-devotion to Jaheira is no secret.

Safana: I do wonder could you not have done better than Jaheira the Domineering? There's not an hour that goes by that she doesn't pick at you or snap at someone.

Khalid: Jaheira isn't really d-d-do-dom *sigh* d-damn that sound - bossy. There are some things in our past that you d-don't know about, Safana.

Safana: No? Well, I'm not really interested in the past. I keep my eyes on the future and--

Safana: Never mind, darling, I see her staring at us. We'll continue this some other time.

Shar-Teel-Kagain (by Turkish Delight)

Shar-Teel: There are few males I can say I respect, Kagain. You, however, I can at least understand. We both share a similar love of bloodshed and battle!

Kagain: Who cares about bloodshed? I kill who I have to kill in order to make myself stinking rich. The fact that I get to mash a few brainless humans or pansy elves is just gravy. Going out of your way to kill is bad business.

Shar-Teel: Gold is fine, but nothing can beat the visceral thrill you can get from driving your blade into something's guts! To feel your enemies thrash their lives out impaled on your sword is the ultimate satisfaction. You need to set your priorities straight, dwarf.

Kagain: I've got my priorities perfectly straight, witch! Nothing is more important than gold. Nothing! When I see a massive pile of glittering gold coins, spread out as far as the eye can see, just waiting to be taken... Ohhhh, what a feeling I get! Splitting something's skull with my axe is merely a means towards that end, nothing more. Now shut your trap.

Shar-Teel: Kindred spirits we may be in the pursuit of battle, but in wit you're no equal of mine. I believe your brain has gone soft through overdrinking and mindless lust for gold. So be it; I leave you to fester in your own weakness, fool.

Garrick-Skie (by Weyoun)

Skie: Garrick, yes?

Garrick: Wha-wha-wha ME?!

Skie: Erm, sorry to startle you, but you were looking in my direction and I thought you wanted to ask me a question.

Garrick: Y-you saw that? Errm, I mean, no, no, I'm fine, fair Skie... I mean, friend Skie.

Skie: Are you sure you're fine? Your face is turning red! I hope you're not coming down with something. It's been raining a lot, after all.

Garrick: No, no, I'm fine, more than fine.

Skie: Okay, but we could ask <CHARNAME> if we can visit a temple if you start feeling worse. When you're on the road, you have to know how to take care of yourself, after all. Just look at my new Yeti-skin boots: all polished and ready for everything. You can drag these through the mud and they'll still look pretty. And they say I'm not ready for a life on the road! Just look at my lovely silk traveler's tunic and tell me I'm not well equipped for adventure!

Garrick: I can't... take my eyes away

Tiax-Edwin (by Turkish Delight)

Tiax: Tiax thinks the Red Wizards would make perfect slaves to his glory. Someday, the remainder of your organization will bend knee to my majesty just as you have, my servant! What a glorious day that shall be! A thousand red-robed wizards, all paying homage to their liege and praying that his wrath does not descend upon them! Tiax shall stand before them, and they shall TREMBLE at his slightest spoken word!

Edwin: (Again I am shaken from my thoughts by the ranting of mindless inferiors...) Can't you see I'm thinking, gnome!? If you wish to prattle on about whatever idiocy it is you've dreamed up now, then do so where I can no longer hear you, see you... or smell you, for that matter.

Tiax: ...and when Tiax stands before that congregation of slave-mages dedicated to his service, he shall be sure and tear your heart from your chest and feed it to wild dogs, that all might know the penalty of disobeying his command! If you will not serve obediently as a mage, then you shall serve as a grisly example of the fate of all unbelievers!

Edwin: (All it would take is a knife carefully drawn across the throat in his sleep, or a "poorly aimed" spell, and I could be rid of this ranting fool forever. So tempting... so tempting...)

Viconia-Eldoth (by Dan)

Viconia: Male, fetch me something to eat.

Eldoth: My dear, do pipe down. Some of the more civilized members of this party are tying to think. Don't interrupt us with your primitive search for food.

Viconia: Were we in the Underdark, you would surely be killed for your arrogance. 'Tis a pity it cannot be so here. All the same, you would do well to watch your tongue, jaluk.

(If Skie is in the party)
Eldoth: Yes, yes, whatever you say my dark little beauty. If you're truly interested in living on the surface, go consult with Skie on knitting or baking cakes or all the other things women love to cluck on about.

(If Skie is not)
Eldoth: Yes, yes, whatever you say my dark little beauty. If you're truly interested in living on the surface, perhaps you should take up knitting, or learn to bake.

Viconia: Pfeh! Be wary, jaluk. I won't be placed in your surface woman's subservience ... and I don't take insult lightly.

Xan-Alora (by Thanatos)

Xan: Alora, why can't you walk like the rest of us, instead of your foolish prancing.

Alora: Because its fun to skip! Come on Xan, try it! You'll see!

Xan: Unlike you child, I would rather die with dignity.

Alora: Come on, smile! Here, smell this flower, and let positive energy flow in.

Xan: Oh wonderful, you killed a flower in deluded hopes of me joining in your fantasy world.

Alora: Xan, I WILL tickle you if I have to. You will smile.

Xan: You'll do no such thing little halfling! *sigh* Why did I ever open my mouth?

Xzar-Khalid (by Hendryk)

Xzar: Why, hello, b-b-brave p-protector. We should chat a moment, you and I.

Khalid: Say what you must and be d-done the sooner.

Xzar: Oh, get stuffed. I was merely looking under thumbs and there you were. So I thought it civil to pass the time of day.

Khalid: My d-domestic arrangements are none of your affair and I've n-no desire to pass anything with *you*, n-necromancer.

Montaron: Passin' somethin' sharp *through* 'im be a different story, eh?

Xzar: Well, there! I take an intelligent interest in death, the sole and proper goal of all life, and what do I get from the yet-living minority? Purblind bigotry, every time!

Khalid: The true goals of life appear in the living of it.

Xzar: ROT!!! If we all lived forever, not ten of us would find justification for existence in that case.

Khalid: Then d-do you not risk the appearance of hypocrisy, d-declining to attain immediately to *your* proper goal?

Xzar: *I*!?! Perish? Who, then, would instruct you in the proprieties?

Khalid: If we are all to d-die in any case, our instruction cannot matter much. C-certainly not to you.

Xzar: Ah, you speak too truly. My altruism is sadly misplaced. (sigh) Beseems I must stay my lonely course for no reward beyond the meager returns of pure knowledge - for I utterly discount any value in the wealth, fame and power for which I am destined.

Khalid: Oh, n-naturally.

Yeslick- Garrick (by Tancred)

Yeslick: Always singin' about others, ye be, boy. Ye've never wanted to be the hero of your own ballad?

Garrick: Hmmm, The Ballad of Brave Sir Garrick... Sometimes, I guess, but then if I get myself killed who would write it? I'd rather keep the songs for myself and leave the dragon slaying to those that want it...

Yeslick: Hmph. I'll make ye a deal, then. Ye go out there just once, put yer faith in the Rock of Battle, and face the foe with nary a thought of hiding or running, and I'll be there to cover your left, eh? And I'll even put you back together again afterwards as and when needs be. How's that?

Garrick: I -

Yeslick: Good! Then let's get you ready! Come on, now, get out your sword!

Garrick: Wha- what? But there's nothing - I've, er, had a sudden burst of inspiration, where's my pen? I need to compose -

Yeslick: No arguments, soldier! Let me see that sword swing, or I'll start a-swingin' meself!

Garrick: Yikes! Um, yes sir!

Yeslick: One-two! One-two! Put yer back into it! As ye walk! Pick yerself up, keep at it! We've got to work on your balance, boy! By Clangeddin's twin axes, I'll make a warrior o' ye yet!

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Baldur's Gate I (1998), Tales of the Sword Coast (1999), Baldur's Gate II (2000), and Throne of Bhaal (2001) are ©BioWare. Dungeons & Dragons material is ©Wizards of the Coast.