I Need a Turnip! (Spoilers for Shrek 2)

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Spoilers for the Movie Shrek 2!!!

 

(You really should see that movie before reading further...its a darned good movie, and this song and story is set after the ending of the movie...)

 

Oh yeah, this piece is slightly naughty, a little bad language, just a bit adult...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, this one is just purely insane...I tried to imagine what would it be like if the Fairy Godmother at the end of Shrek 2, if the wand blasted her into Amn...and a homage to the song she sang tword the end of the movie...

 

Oh yeah, here's the original lyrics to the song parodied...

 

http://www.letssingit.com/?http://www.lets...ro-4h3lc5d.html

 

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I need a Turnip!!!

 

Where have all good foods gone

I'm sure I just misunderstood

Where’s the streetcarts full of produce

That were in this neighborhood?

 

A growing gnomish lass, needs more than chicken feed.

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

 

I need a Turnip

I’m holding out for a turnip ‘til the end of the night

It’s gotta be Fresh

And It’s gotta be plump

And it’s gotta crunch when you bite

I need a Turnip

Just to tide me over ‘til the morning light

Hunger's sure cure

And taste to make you swoon

And every morsel a complete delight

 

Somewhere after midnight

In my wildest fantasy

Somewhere just beyond my reach

In the veggie crisper, just behind the brie

 

Seperate the egg white, rising with the heat

I need a turnip souffle to sweep me off my feet

 

I need a Turnip

I’m holding out for a turnip ‘til the end of the night

It’s gotta be Fresh

And It’s gotta be plump

And it’s gotta crunch when you bite

I need a Turnip

Just to tide me over ‘til the morning light

Hunger's sure cure

And taste to make you swoon

And every morsel a complete delight

 

Will satisfy the most demanding gourmet

And the epicurian too,

Baked into a pie, mashed, broiled, fried,

Even Stew.

Through the wind and the chill and the rain

And the storm and the flood

I head for the green grocer,

Satisfy my taste-bud!

 

I need a Turnip

I’m holding out for a turnip ‘til the end of the night

It’s gotta be Fresh

And It’s gotta be plump

And it’s gotta crunch when you bite

I need a Turnip

Just to tide me over ‘til the morning light

Hunger's sure cure

And taste to make you swoon

And every morsel a complete delight!

 

As the Former Fairy Godmother of Far, Far Away finished her number, all the gnomes in the Copper Coronet clapped and cheered her performance. She made her bows and ran into her dressing room, careful not to let her audience or the staff of the pub see the fury in her eyes.

 

It has been a hard year for her, and the song reminded her every time she sang it about how very close she had been to marrying Charming to Fiona. It reminded her of that (deleted) Pinocchio, that repellent and disgusting stick boy, and how at that night in the castle courtyard, he turned her own wand against her and sent her into this hell-begotten place. It reminded her of that disgusting Shrek, and his vile friends, and how in the end her beautifully constructed and masterful plans all fell into ruin.She had clawed her way back, oh yes, it took much sweat and tears, but she had managed to claw her way back despite the obstacles in her path. The loss of her wings hurt, but her new form had its compensations. She was now a beautiful elven maiden, and she took the time to admire her angelic innocence and fresh beauty. It made her plans easier. However, her new form and class kept her from using properly the one artifact she had in her possession. The Short Sword of Illusion could not be used by a cleric. But there was more than one way to skin a cat, and her new body offered her a way to use the sword despite being unable to wield it.

 

It was child's play to seduce that young gnomish illusionist/thief, and centuries of experience in lovemaking had him in her complete thrall. The Former Fairy Godmother of Far, Far Away grabbed her bulging purse, and donned her cloak in preparation in heading out to the apothecary to purchase her ingredients. She had been forced to take a singing job, moonlighting as a singer in this vile place, for the gold necessary to purchase the components of her hypnotic potions. Without dosing regularly the staff of the circus, they would remember how she really joined them, and even her "Uncle" Quayle would remember she wasn't a flightless Avariel, but a powerful mage who had terrorized them into taking her out of the wilderness where they had found her.

 

 

 

It was also time to renew her hold over young Kalah, who was using her Short Sword of Illusion to create a perfect Simulacrum of her, which was asleep in her cot in the wagon of her "Uncle" Quayle. She needed the gold from her nightly forays into the seedier side of Athkatla, to increase her horde of gold coin. Of course she had already taken the lion's share of the Circuse's profits, but she needed much more, much, much more to buy one of those fabulously expensive scrolls of "Wish". It was her last hope for returning to Far, Far Away, to take her sweet, sweet revenge against Shrek, Fiona, and their friends. She headed out the back door of the Coronet, her face dreamy with thought of all the things she would do to her enemies.

 

Meanwhile, back at the Circus, Kalah was also deep in thought. He had finally managed to decipher the cryptic and arcane runes etched into the sword, and he began to plan of all the things he would do to everyone who had laughed at him. Starting with the Former Fairy Godmother of Far, Far Away. Because she had needed someone to use the sword's powers of illusion, she couldn't dose him with the hypnotic potions that allowed her to implant false memories of her origin, and her exploiting of the Circus for her own designs. She had trusted to her sexual prowess in keeping Kalah under control, but no, the Great and Powerful Kalah was no one's lapdog!!! He WOULD take the power that was promised to him, he WOULD have his revenge on the Former Fairy Godmother...he knew she laughed at him too, she laughed and laughed at him. She laughed at him silently while she plied her skills in bed, she laughed when she left his wagon at night, she laughed every time she saw him...and she always laughed after giving him her instructions for all the things he was to do with the Short Sword of Illusion, for she was sure of her hold over him. Well, we'll see who laughs last. He had figured out months ago what his revenge would be over his slavemistress and lover...he would put her into the most repulsive form she could imagine, into the shape of an Ogre. It was so fitting, since an Ogre had taken her away from her former place of power, according to her stories, that she assume the hideous appearance of her greatest enemies. Kalah began to laugh, and while it bothered him after a bit that he couldn't stop laughing, the noise of the storm outside kept anyone from inquiring too closely.

 

"Aerie" approached the wagons and tents of the Circus, her pouch leaner, but a string bag bulging with the toadstools, and mummy dust her potion needed. She still had a full night of potionmaking and spellcasting to do, and if she was to get some sleep before tomorrow's performance she had best get to it.