Comments On Fallen

[Lysan Lurraxol]

Comments here please. be as harsh as you like, I'm trying to improve my writing, so constructive crit would be really helpful

[Vestrael]

i really like it so far. the relationship between the siblings interests me, and i especially like Ophelia. is she a drow, or just a surfacer with a certain affinity for spiders?

[Lysan Lurraxol]

Ophelia's a human mage with an obsession for spiders. Part of her insanity's an act, but not all.

 

The third chapter, seen from Lysander's POV is giving me a headache. I'll try to finish it this weekend

[BigRob]

*Whew* Alright, sorry for taking so long to review this, it's been strangely hard to snatch time of late. Anyway, the story's made a good start, sometimes it's good to just dive into the action form the start and let the story tell itself. As long as you let things slip at the right rate, people will stay interested (something I think movies/TV/etc fail to do well these days).

 

The basic writing is fine, I think you're doing very well, but I have some stylistic suggestions for you. I think you're overusing commas in the text, spliting up sentences in places where doing that becomes confusing. I know the signs because I tend to use them to excess myself if I'm not paying attention (like now). Second, since the characters are thinking so much in this, I'd use italics for thoughts to improve comprehension of what is thought and what is description. If you treat thinking like speaking in regards to punctuation, it may also help.

 

 

And finally, some typoes:

 

 

It was hardly as if she had had a choice, Narcissa reflected, certain death by the sowrd, or an uncertain death in a sunken, sunless citadel, miles beneath the ground.

 

 

 

Should be "sword"

 

 

 

Narcissa glanced over at her sister, and found her cradling a spider in her palm, stroking it's bulbous body and humming softly to it.

 

 

Should be "its"

 

 

 

The power. the art, flowed through her, out of her, the air pricklied, a heady, intoxicating whirl of arcane, sweet weave, briefly she felt darkness, rich, the warmth of large, hairy bodies, packed together, webs, tickling her, and the chittering, mad crawling of spiders.

 

 

Either that full stop should be a comma, or the following "the" needs a capital letter.

 

 

 

 

 

Good stuff though, I'll be interested to see the rest.

[Lysan Lurraxol]

Thanks for the review.

 

I'm going to pick up Fallen again, once I've finished ripping into tiny pieces editing, my Spellhold Studios fic contest entry.

 

Yeah, I tend to go overboard on punctuation. And I hadn't realized that italics on word don't copy onto a post, which is why the characters' thoughts aren't in Italics. and the spelling comes from a combination of having no spellcheck and not looking at the monitor whilst I'm typing.

I'll have that fixed for when I start writing again.

 

Thanks for pointing that out, I don't tend to notice stuff like that,

 

OOC, can you tell what's actually happening? Only, i tend not to describe or explain much, for fear of long boring infodumps, but sometimes i don't put enough in, making everything very confusing.

[BigRob]

Thanks for the review.

 

No problem.

 

OOC, can you tell what's actually happening? Only, i tend not to describe or explain much, for fear of long boring infodumps, but sometimes i don't put enough in, making everything very confusing.

I can see where it's going. Very simply, they're climbing down into a dungeon, descending and are attacked by kobolds. The action text is adequate to explain what's going on, even though most of the text is dialogue, which is a fair enough way of doing things.

[celticrose]

Will you be continuing this story? You have me curious .

I kinda like your Ophelia, crazy, spiders, and all.

 

CelticRose