Ask Angelo!

[Guest Guest]

Holla. I am registered really, but my notification email won't come through. Also the bastard user called Nix who I just happened to scroll past has nicked my normal username I think I may have been out-rogued.

 

Angie - is it possible that you tell people you're a bit of a bastard and to leave you alone romnantically because you're a suave git and know that's pretty much a direct challenge?

[IriaZenn]

Heya Angie,

Now I remember your daughter Shary (That's my nickname for her) She was a fun chick. You see, she made me really mad one day and so I switched her usual belt with another that I had gotten from an ogre long ago. Well, she didn't take it too well, you know. You don't mind you have son instead do you?

 

Oh and I should warn you, I'm a wild mage and there's a good chance you might get changed into something at some point. Happens you know?

[Cal Jones]

So, my love, how does it feel to have Sarevok as a brother-in-law?

[Sister Vigilante]

Hhnk. Zzhh...zhk. Zzzhh. Hrgnh. Zz...ah Melissan...ah Melly, wit yer fiery hair...

 

Oi. Wakey-wakey.

 

Zhg--eh? Hmm? Ech...feel like I've been asleep for months. Ilmater's pus, where the hell am I?--Come to that, who the hell am I?

 

Err well, let's see now...

 

I'm just a regular joe who's been blessed, or cursed, with some unusual powers. If you need any bookkeeping done, I'm your man!

 

Um no, that isn't quite right. Let's try that again, shall we?

 

Why do I even go to the effort of rising each day? The sun creeps in its hateful circle around this doomed ball of rust and fools, and I lack even the conviction to put an end to my own paltry life...

 

Hmm. Closer, but something's still a bit off.

 

Blech! Happen that's the last time I'll be tempted by one copper for Turnish whiskey. Now which one of you sods can point me to the nearest whorehouse?

 

There we go! Back to your old self, are you? It seems some folks still have questions for you.

 

Surely you jest.

 

Not in the least --Now take it, Anonymous(Nix)!

 

Angie - is it possible that you tell people you're a bit of a bastard and to leave you alone romnantically because you're a suave git and know that's pretty much a direct challenge?

 

I...why yes. That was precisely my thought. Precisely.

 

I'm thinking something like that would take a wisdom check. Consulting your stat table, it doesn't look good, I'm afraid.

 

I have no idea what Sister is babbling about, but in all honesty I'll confess, happen I never saw things in quite that light. But you may be onto something there, friend...

 

Before you get any ideas, why don't we move ri-right along. IriaZenn has a rather interesting query:

 

Heya Angie,

Now I remember your daughter Shary (That's my nickname for her) She was a fun chick. You see, she made me really mad one day and so I switched her usual belt with another that I had gotten from an ogre long ago. Well, she didn't take it too well, you know. You don't mind you have son instead do you?

 

Oh and I should warn you, I'm a wild mage and there's a good chance you might get changed into something at some point. Happens you know?

 

...Ah...ha-ha-ha! Ha ha, ha, ha-ha-a-ah!

 

You are aware this is your own blood daughter we're talking about?

 

Oh come now, a good jest is a good jest no matter what sod it's on. Curses can be struck off, but gods know we need a little amusement in this sorry world.

 

Though I suppose you'd draw the line at yourself?

 

Would I relish the prospect of waking to find myself a cockroach? Not particularly, I'll admit. Though with Sarevok, it was more or less certain I'd wake one day to find myself a corpse. These odds I like better.

 

Finally, Cal Jones has discovered quite the kicker in your little relationship with CHARNAME:

 

So, my love, how does it feel to have Sarevok as a brother-in-law?

 

Hmm. Happen the wedding would be a grim affair.

 

Personally, I'm wondering about the bachelor party.

 

Well, in all honesty, I suppose all depends on what the--fellow's made of himself. I'm not one for believing we can change, as a snake sheds his skin...but gods know I've been surprised often enough.

 

And there we have it. Thank you, all! It's been a pleasure as always

 

Has it? Anyhow, methinks I hear my pillow calling.

 

Now what sort of attitude is that? We must be ever-vigilant, for we never know when Ask Angelo may have to leap into action again. For the time being--bye-nii!

[IriaZenn]

Okay, Angie, I have to know. You seem to come on to any that has breasts and I really want to know, gnomes and halflings? How? Why?? Don't you feel strange dating someone who's so damn short?

[Sister Vigilante]

Just let me die.

 

He's kidding, folks; he's (seriously) always happy to answer any and all enquiries. And I'm here to make horrible existential threats against him should his...enthusiasm ever lag. And Angelo you may find this one, coming from IriaZenn whom you may remember, rather interesting:

 

Okay, Angie, I have to know. You seem to come on to any that has breasts and I really want to know, gnomes and halflings? How? Why?? Don't you feel strange dating someone who's so damn short?

 

Remember to keep it clean, we may have children coming here.

 

Fah. Never too young to be introduced to life's realities, the more pleasant especially--I always say. Was certainly my own dam's philosophy. Anyhow this reminds me of a story...

 

(Gods.)

 

Happen I once knew a tall lass, bar wench, who used to tower over the drunks in their seats. One time I ah, chased off a few elderly lechers who were pawing her--with no ulterior motive, I assure you--as I was escorting her home after the gentlemanly fashion, she remarked something the like of, "Don't ye feel silly walking 'side a girl a head taller n' yerself?" To which I replied, "my dear, you may be the taller as we are now; but if we were lying down, I would be taller than you..."

 

That's it, right?...That's the end? Okay, that wasn't too bad.

 

But this is rather the opposite case. Well, to assuage yon Sister's fears I'll be concise. One word.

 

Let's hear it.

 

Chairs.

 

In regards to kissing I presume.

 

Why...certainly.

 

And would you look at that, we're all out of time! I might add parenthetically that the English dub of Lucky Star murdered Kagami and Akira didn't fare much better.

 

Don't let me slow your search for the four sods on earth who both give a toss and can understand what in the hells you're talking about.

 

Bye-bye! We hope to see you again soon! Now...come o-on...

 

*sigh* Fare the well until we next meet, honest gentlesods.

[_Nix_]

Thought just occurred to me.

 

SPOILERS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, Angie. Given you're so unconvinced about the future and how faithful you feel you could be and you spend the whole of the time we're in Amn telling me how unreliable you are, and then guilt me into marrying you... Pre-nup?

 

(Mebbe should have thought of that before the wedding ¬.¬)

[Sister Vigilante]

And in short order, time to dust off the mailbag again! You ready for this?

 

Aye, aye.

 

...Speaking of which, however! When I was rooting through our backroom here, I found a question put to you a-a-ages ago--back during a period of your life you may not care to recall. I think this is something people deserve to know, though, so you'll pardon me if I bring it up again...

 

Captain Dosan, in your underwriting of Sarevok Anchev's candidacy for Grand Duke of Baldur's Gate, many have questioned whether you truly have the experience to lead the Flaming Fist mercenary force--and, in the tragic event of Sarevok's death, undertake the duties of a Grand Duke yourself. How do you respond to these charges?

 

Now humoring me and placing yourself back in the past...thoughts?

 

Well...Lady Couricia...that is a charming name, I might add...certainly with this iron crisis, when we look around at the faces of identical young men and women, classed NPCs, or old men wearing diapers, we see some fear there. There's no question we need a strong, experienced leader in these times.

 

Now, happen I resided a tenday in the town of Nashkell, the which is a wonderful, charming hamlet if I may say so. Now as I'm sure you know, where are those blasted Amnian heathens? Not a stone's throw south of Nashkell! In fact, I could practically see Athkatla from my house! We had trade missions back and forth, and...well, you know, when I was serving in the Sembian mercenary army, I once commanded my unit of fully nine men for three days, when my beloved captain--whose reward is in heaven--got taken with the Calimshite Jig. Now if that isn't relevant experience, I'd like some sod to tell me what is.

 

But the important thing is, Lady Couricia, Sarevok Anchev is a maverick who isn't afraid to toss a man off the roof of the Iron Throne building; or support a costly war for his own dark purposes, before betraying and distancing himself from the man who started the war. And I can say the same of myself, whether I'm drinking, whoring it up, or partaking of the sweet lotus flower--I don't give a toss what anyone thinks of me, and those are traits I believe any honest sod, like those who lived in the piss-poor side of town that reared this bastard you see in front you, want to see in a leader.

 

Thank you. Now moving on, we have one more recent question from our old friend _Nix_, that certainly made me smile when I read it--though your reaction may be rather the opposite. I'll let it speak for itself:

 

Thought just occurred to me.

 

SPOILERS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, Angie. Given you're so unconvinced about the future and how faithful you feel you could be and you spend the whole of the time we're in Amn telling me how unreliable you are, and then guilt me into marrying you... Pre-nup?

 

(Mebbe should have thought of that before the wedding ¬.¬)

 

If you, heh, need me to explain what that means...

 

O-oh...rest assured m'lady, I understand implicitly, and forgive me once again. A better wretch than me wouldn't grudge you your doubts.

 

Now, it just so happens I made the acquaintance of an attorney-at-law right here in Saradush, at our well-beloved inn. Similar...straits as your own have forced Agurk the Spirit-Crusher to take refuge from his lucrative practice within these walls. I'm certain he would be happy to assist us in drawing up...

 

The taint burns within me. You shall be litigated, and I will grow in power.

 

Don't ah, mind the eyes, I'm told they glow like that for medical reasons. He's a touch sensitive over it, really.

 

I...think perhaps we shouldn't press the issue. Any closing words for our ever-faithful audience, Angelo?

 

Why yes, I'd like to give a "shout-out" to my dear old dam O-Mi and my half-brothers Ripper, Satsu, Four-Toe and Hiro the Gods-Blasted! And remember, every black bear you kill for 450 XP helps make the countryside safer! Those druids are pansies anyway!

 

Bye-nii!

[Guest EpitomyofShyness]

Hey Angelo love, at one point when I asked you what you thought of our companion Haer'Dalis, you said how you thought Bards were all good and fun for the tavern but totally useless in battle. Now it so happens darling that I myself am a bard.

 

Now what do you have to say for yourself hmm?

[Sister Vigilante]

Now...darling, it's understood; a prettyboy strumming on a lute won't be inspiring me to any feats of valor. A pretty lass on the other hand...quite another matter.

 

Parenthetically, I might add that a number of Angelo's responses are the same whether or not he's romancing you--for example, asking him about Jaheira in ToB and learning he wants to "comfort the poor widow." I've wondered if I shouldn't have done something about this; but in retrospect, it's kind of funny.

 

 

Hey Angelo love, at one point when I asked you what you thought of our companion Haer'Dalis, you said how you thought Bards were all good and fun for the tavern but totally useless in battle. Now it so happens darling that I myself am a bard.

 

Now what do you have to say for yourself hmm?

[_Nix_]

So Angie... I was talking about you the other day to a friend of mine. He's currently romancing the irepressable Amber. Who I warned him about, incidentally, but what can you do? Having come to me after failing to resurrect her post-Bodhi, and whinging at me for several hours about the oversensitivity of all the ladies and how they take offence at the slightest thing, and whinge, and are needy and clingy and moody, and expect him to be the rugged, silent, patient, understanding protector, I felt it was only fair that I rub his face in exactly how well we work out. You have to understand, I wasn't being bought rounds for this, I just had to sit and listen to him bitch. The first question out of his mouth afterwards:

 

Does Angelo have a sister?

 

<Disclaimer: To the writer/coder of Amber - I swear it's a personal preference I don't think you did a bad job on the mod, just didn't fit either of our personal tastes. Ohgodpleasedon'tkillme.>

[Luridel]

I might add parenthetically that the English dub of Lucky Star murdered Kagami and Akira didn't fare much better.

(But why, why, oh why... how can you stand English dubs? I mean, once in a while you get lucky, but not nearly all that often-- poor Lucky Star. -cough- That aside...)

 

Angelo, I'd like to know what exactly you were doing in a graveyard of all places. Of anywhere else in the city you could have been waiting to stumble upon a certain Bhaalspawn, why there?

[Sister Vigilante]

So Angie... I was talking about you the other day to a friend of mine. He's currently romancing the irepressable Amber. Who I warned him about, incidentally, but what can you do? Having come to me after failing to resurrect her post-Bodhi, and whinging at me for several hours about the oversensitivity of all the ladies and how they take offence at the slightest thing, and whinge, and are needy and clingy and moody, and expect him to be the rugged, silent, patient, understanding protector, I felt it was only fair that I rub his face in exactly how well we work out. You have to understand, I wasn't being bought rounds for this, I just had to sit and listen to him bitch. The first question out of his mouth afterwards:

 

Does Angelo have a sister?

 

<Disclaimer: To the writer/coder of Amber - I swear it's a personal preference I don't think you did a bad job on the mod, just didn't fit either of our personal tastes. Ohgodpleasedon'tkillme.>

 

Now, happen I had a sister, I'd cut the tool off any rogue, merchant or saint what dared to raise his eyes above the hallowed ground she tread...

 

You know it's true.

 

But anyhow, my dam once said to me, she said, Son, you get out of love what you put into it. Happen the more she makes you suffer, the happier she'll make you bye and bye...But then again what the hells did she know?

 

(But why, why, oh why... how can you stand English dubs? I mean, once in a while you get lucky, but not nearly all that often-- poor Lucky Star. -cough- That aside...)

 

Ah, dubs. There are a few passably good ones (like Azumanga, Bebop/Champloo, and even the old Tenchi Muyo dubs), one truly inspired one (FLCL) and a lot of awful ones...Excel Saga was particularly unfortunate. I think companies don't trust people will get the dynamics of the original humor (and so they make, say, Excel sound as crazy as the things she says) but they might be surprised.

 

Angelo, I'd like to know what exactly you were doing in a graveyard of all places. Of anywhere else in the city you could have been waiting to stumble upon a certain Bhaalspawn, why there?

 

You can actually ask him about this when you meet him. It was Kulyok's idea that people might want an explanation (when the real explanation was, he sort of ended up there after being moved around three of four times*) and I'm kind of fond of the one he comes up with.

 

Cheers!

SV

 

 

* He was originally in the Umar Hills, "hiding out." I wanted to make him easier to pick up and put him in the Crooked Crane. But Unfinished Business changes the area code, so he went to the Sea's Bounty. But it was so crowded that finally we put him in the graveyard...

[ZG53]

Amn, despite being a city full of corruption and betrayal, shows a disproportionately high ratio of adventurers with morals to those with a less then savory nature.

 

Therefore, given the already sparse pickings available to a group desiring power and profit over justice and peace, how does it feel to know that you face real competition for employment from an eccentric gnome, who is obsessed with turnips and believes that selling items that only he is capable of using is a good business plan.

[Sister Vigilante]

Amn, despite being a city full of corruption and betrayal, shows a disproportionately high ratio of adventurers with morals to those with a less then savory nature.

 

Therefore, given the already sparse pickings available to a group desiring power and profit over justice and peace, how does it feel to know that you face real competition for employment from an eccentric gnome, who is obsessed with turnips and believes that selling items that only he is capable of using is a good business plan.

 

Now you'll all, ah, have to excuse the good Sister here, he's sleeping off the hangover from his two-week vacation in...*cough*...Japan...

 

...snff...mmm...Akihabara...

 

Excuse me one moment, gentlefolks.

 

 

You--gods--damn--Wapanese--bootlicker--struck-off--whoreson--! Your disease sickens all it touches! Could've voiced me with a nice round Scottish accent but na-a-ay, y' had to...*hem*

 

What I mean to say is, we ah, do apologize for our hiatus, and happen Ask Angelo shall resume shortly.

 

...bye...nii...