Jump to content

COMING SOON


Guest Crovis

Recommended Posts

The portrait is from the now defunct Portrait Portal.

 

Hey, you never know. Given the nature of b!tweaks, i.e. a serious hack, that portrait of Pigeon's might even find appear in it at some point. But only with permission, of course.

Link to comment

Keep it up and I'll do one for you. Hey, you never know. You've got a good sense of humor. You might even like it.

 

By the way, I'm sorry for derailing this conversation. Reality check time:

  • We're in General Mod Discussion.
  • We're talking about mods. OK, so b!tweaks shouldn't count because it's stupid, but Banana is a mod. Well, it's WeiDU, so it must be. Oh, wait, so's b!tweaks. Well, Banana's an NPC. That should count for something.
  • theacefes and I were talking about making a banner for a mod.

OK, we're still more or less OK. Well, maybe not mentally. But let's leave that to the professionals to decide.

Link to comment

I gotta stop posting in code. Sorry, translation:

 

THE PERILS OF FLIRTING

 

a scene in one act

 

(legal disclaimer: none of the actors present tonight are appearing courtesy of SAG or AFTRA, and all have been resampled illegally and used in this digital form with no credit or money being passed to their authors. Which is fine, because their authors weren't selling anyways. This work is uncopyrightable, unreproduceable, and is guaranteed mess up your compuer, so don't read it. People looking to sue should go find a nice multinational conglomerate who actually has, y'know, money and stuff, 'cause suing me with get you nada.)

 

CAST:

Meira and Darious' Amber

BioWare's Haer'Dalis, with lines from Meira, Darios, and cmorgan

BioWare's Jaheira, with lines from Sister Vigilante and cmorgan

Sister Vigilante' Angelo Dosan

Sillara's Saerileth

Theaceface's Auren (with three words added by cmorgan

Theaceface's Sarah

cmorgan's in-development Aran Whitehand

 

CURTAIN UP

 

CUE LIGHTS

 

AMBER: "This is ridiculous. Haer'Dalis, we do not need any of the three of you men to assist us."

 

HAERDALIS: "Do not worry my angel - I will keep a sharp eye for anything that might seek to harm you in this fell pit of darkness."

 

AMBER: "Hey! Keep that arm off my shoulders! I am not some silly child who is afraid of the dark."

 

ARAN: "Pssst... Haer'Dalis, I thought you said these ladies were interested in flirtin'... th' druidess is lookin' more angry than the tiefling..."

 

JAHEIRA: "I assure you, I will not stand to be addressed in such a tone! And by a one such as you. Remove your foulness from my sight."

 

ANGEL: "Eh, eh! I'm looking out for you, m'lady. Where would we be if we lost you? Wandering about in the woods, most like. Would you leave this class excursion in my hands?"

 

ARANJ: "I've got hands. An' she is pretty fair lookin', for a half-elf tree hugger."

 

JAHEIRA: "<INSERT HERO'S NAME HERE>! If you do not remove this lackey from our company presently, I shall... !"

 

ARAN: "Sorry! You are a bloody bad influence on me, Bard. An' don't look now, but you've also ticked off th' 15 year old. Waterworks everywhere."

 

HAERDALIS: "Saerileth, are you jealous?"

 

SAERILETH: "I have been deceived in thee, fiend angelical! But better to know now thy nature than to come to know it later, perhaps too late."

 

SAERILETH: "The love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a villain!" (Sobs uncotrollably)

 

ARAN: "Well, now, that's a mite harsh, don't you think, darlin'? Tyr's Eye, he is just flirtin'!"

 

SARAH: "You are disgusting and I would rather sleep on a pile of cow manure than go anywhere with you."

 

ARAN: "Gond's Tooklit, Haer'Dalis, now see what you've gone and done. Even Sarah is ticked off with us, an' usually she's a sweetie."

 

ARAN: "Hey. Look. Put that down, missy. HEY. Come on, Angelo, Haer'Dalis, give a guy a hand...they have my sword. Auren, come on now, there's a dear, hand me my sw... hey... no, don't throw it there..."

 

ARAN: "NOT IN THE..."

 

ARAN: "Blast. Right then, who's up for explorin' that great deep dark cave what's got dragonscales around it an' smells like sulpher? Come on, you two buggers got me into this. Let's go get my sword. Ladies, we bid you good day. If we do not return, please remember us fondly."

 

JAHEIRA: "Boys. Come along, Saerileth. I have a more appropriate match for you. Good family. Ajantis, I believe his name is. And he has a large life insurance policy."

 

AUREN: "Do not look at me that way, Sarah. Their behavior was inexcusable."

 

SARAH: "I know, Auren, but it just seems so...wrong."

 

AUREN: "I don't think anyone around minded."

 

EXUNT ACTORS STAGE LEFT

 

CURTAIN

 

 

Points that might be amusing:

 

> impossible to have this many people in the party with the palyer unless you have a working copy of gemRB

> gratuitous lifting of tra lines directly from the other mod files, then repositioning them and bridging them

> side reference to Jastey's Ajantis, who may or may not be killed early in BG2, thereby providing a nice insurance policy payout which can themn be used to by shoes, and movies, and OMG stuff like that.

> Play on the traditional "Early Adolescent Schoolyard Pack Flirt", first registered by ancient Egyptian Guild of Sociologists, wherein

a. the boys tease the girls,

b. one or two girls pretend to be upset,

c. one girl (usually the youngest, or one who has held hands with one of the opposing cohort of pre-pubescent males in early attempts at courtship rituals) *does* get upset,

d. the girls insult the boys,

e. one of the girls (usually the one that is smitten with one of the boys) grabs the boy she wants to flirt with's backpack and tossed it over the fence into the yard with the Big Dog (or Old Witch, or Creepy Guy, or whatever cultural and sociological barrier has been represented by this aprticular cohort when defining deviant behavior)

f. said boy gathers his friends while being laughed at by the other boys, and braves the Forbidden Zone to try to impress said girl

g. said girl snubs said boy and friends and moves off in a consoling group around the youngest.

> unfortunately, if you have to read this at all, it is officially Not Funny . Please see the usher on your way out, which, minus tax, gratuity, my labor, and parking, comes to $0.00 US.

Link to comment

KELSEY: All this talk of rape unsettles me.

 

KORGAN: Always knew ye were gay.

 

AERIE: Korgan! There's nothing gay about that!

 

VICONIA: Who needs to rape anyone when we have a drunk like Keto around?

 

KETO: Wha.. What arrrr.. you talkin' about? I can take my liquor.

 

FADE: Three drinks and she's game for anybody.

 

SOLA: I think she hooked up with Chloe at that last tavern.

 

JAHEIRA: Like you have any room to talk. You swing every way imaginable.

 

PC: Um, could you all shut the hell up and pay attention to the dragon?!?!

Link to comment

Now with enhanced sexiness and additional character infringement!

 

KELSEY: All this talk of rape unsettles me.

 

KORGAN: Always knew ye were a queer fellow.

 

IMOEN: That's my line!

 

AERIE: Korgan! There's nothing gay about that!

 

VICONIA: Who needs to rape anyone when we have a drunk like Keto around?

 

KETO: Wha.. What arrrr.. you talkin' about? I can handle my liquor. Right Jan?

 

JAN: Well, I have to admit: I've been slipping turnips into your drinks for a few weeks now.

 

FADE: Three drinks and she's game for anybody.

 

SOLA: I think she hooked up with Chloe at that last tavern.

 

JAHEIRA: Like you have any room to talk. You swing every way imaginable.

 

PC: Um, could you all shut the hell up and pay attention to the DRAGON?!?!

 

CHLOE: Is "dragon" some kind of macho reference to your manhood?

 

TASHIA: I've never been with a dragon before.

 

NALIA: You've never been dragon-lanced?

 

YASRAENA: I heard that Firkraag means "long and strong" in the dragon tongue.

 

AMBER: Mmm... dragon tongues... so versatile...

 

PAI'NA: I dated a drider for a while.

 

CERND: The real question here is: Why does Auren look like she's got a two-handed sword shoved up her arse?

 

AUREN: What? How about Keldorn? That's a serial-rapist grin if ever there was one.

 

KELDORN: How dare you besmirch my honor?!

 

GAVIN: I'm not even in the right game, but I'll tell you this: berelinde is dead sexy.

 

IMOEN: Gross! Gavin, berelinde created you! That'd be like incest or something.

 

VALYGAR: I'm sad.

 

HAER'DALIS: You are always are... It's what makes you so sexy, poppet. Now bend over.

 

YOSHIMO: Uh, Minsc, my large friend... where's Boo and why are you walking funny?

 

BANANNA: Screw you all! I'm the sexiest NPC here. I'm big and yellow and shaped like a giant c-

 

PC: INCOMING FIREBALL!!!

Link to comment
Now with enhanced sexiness and additional character infringement!

 

<G-Mon: *hides scissors*>

 

PC: INCOMING FIREBALL!!!

You owe me a new monitor. Mine's covered in chicken & noodles.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...