The Epic Mushroom Tale

[Zamael]

This is a Serious Fanfic! Only serious responses, please.

 

Once upon a time, in a faraway land named Loomba, lived two hundred ants, who decided to sleep all day long. And so they did, and they snored very loud, thus disturbing the other Loomban animals. The most disturbed animal was the wolf, who was so angry that he died in his wrath. And when the top of the food chain had fallen, nothing could stop the ants from taking over! Nothing!

Their ingenious plan for conquering Loomba had begun. Its next phase would be to fill the entire country with sugar pieces, that were sold in a tiny little shop in a tiny little village. But they were very expensive, that the ants couldn't afford. Thus, they moved to plan B, which was to jump over the shopkeeper using their magic shoes, that they got after defeating the magical Wizard of Yeldir - but they had a disasterous flaw: When in contact with tomato sauce bottle, they would fall from the feet. Sometimes even right in the middle of a hot dog.

This was unacceptable, so the Antz moved to plan C, which was to conquer the whole world using Hiccup Powder . They began from the dear old president George W. Bush, who, unfortunately, only received extreme diarrhea. But thanks to this, he had to resign from his position and move to the countryside, where he lived his life happily ever after with his sheep, as a pig farmer.

The Antz grinned, and happily marched towards their next target: Adolf Hitler, who was secretly ruling the USA behind the scenes for all these years, without changing his underwear even once, or washing his toes or armpits. He had heard that there was a certain "slightly" nuts Priest of Cyric named Tiax, who had taken his Nazi oath without Hitler's permission.

Thus Hitler, utterly oblivious of The Antz's crusade, executed poor Tiax right in the middle of an interview, that was aired live from Namibia, where the Priest was horribly torturing the people by pulling out his own nosehair. Once this was over, he decided to go over to his grandma to have apple pie, but unfortunately he had no more legs, because, as you all remember, he had just been executed.

So Tiax was sent to his grandma in a coffin. Upon seeing this, the grandma was was terribly shocked, and committed seppuku. Ittoo Oogami, who just happened to be around, committed kaishaku. Hitler grinned horribly, but his grin was instantly changed into a gasp of horror, when The Antz stormed to him, screaming their horrible war cry: "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!". Hitler responded: "MINE'S A NEGATIVE!", and pulled a metallic toothbrush holder and a compeletely unused toothbrush from his pocket. The Antz, angry with this, pulled from their own pocket the terrible Cow Head, filled with Hiccup Powder , after which they bit Adolf to his toe, who decided to hang himself from a tree and died. ...Or did he?

Victorious, The Antz danced their victory polka, singing "You're not a warrior, you're a beginner!". But Adolf was only pretending to be dead, and had already summoned his national SS guard, who were already arriving with their brand new Trabant -72, armed with yellow windshields and hair dice, although one of them had lost its numbers. Hitler ordered 200 jews to find the lost spots.

But the jews slipped on a soap in the shower, so Hilter ordered them all to be executed in a pressure kettle. Afterwards he decided, armed with a doughnut, to go to hell, but then remembered how he had to take his revenge for The Antz for his toothbrush tube. So he died in his grief, and the Hiccup Powder filled Cow Head became so happy that he decided to go and sing karaoke and drink Sock Sweat, and had a terrible inspiration of revenge to the neighbouring country known as Zaibah.

The Cow Head disguised himself with long hair, picked up his signature weapon VarHammer, and chanting horrible curses marched towards the enemy lines. But on the border he tripped on a large stump and fell, right on his VarHammer, losing his consciousness. Meanwhile Hitler was suffering in hell, which was actually pretty cold place. "Hell's frozen over," he said between his shackling teeth. He decided to go looking for his friends, and eventually ended up on the beaches of the Burning Lake.

There were his old friends Stalin and Lenin, doing some fishing, and debating about which one was better in leading the Soviet Union. Suddenly, Saddam Hussein arrived, along with John F. Kennedy, hands together like lovers. "I want too," said Hitler, but unfortunately couldn't find himself a buddy. So he just went with the other bachelors, to find Saddam's old sock.

Meanwhile, George W. Bush (Senior) had already found the particular sock, and tied it around his neck, which made him (very very) mad. In great wrath, he let out his aggression and transformed into Devil Man, a horrible monster, with inhuman strength and huge pants. And I'm talking about HUMONGOUS, absolutely massive granny pants, with two pounds of soy protein powder, as it's good for skin. Devil Man Bush was bored and annoyed of billions of boring years in hell, so he ripped off his pants, cursing "Like Mother Like Sun" as he did (meaning his son, Chimpman W. Bush Junior). Under his pants was revealed an embarrassingly small lipstick, that Devil-George had forgotten there sometime being a president and that understandably ran away screaming. George was embarrassed of this, and cast the amazing "Summon Nintendo Magazine" spell, getting a hard-back magazine, number 5/06, that also glowed in the dark. It was cool.

Devil-George sat on the magazine, looked around, and lurched towards the spice shelf, but tripped on the oregano jar, which made him even more angry. He powerupped and teleported from hell to a place named Loomba, where the entire story begun. There he stuck his head to the ant-hill of those particular 200 ants, who happily walked inside the Devil-George's nostrils, even though they usually didn't walk in their sleep. In the nose there was a massive chain reaction, that resulted in a huge nuclear explosion and the end of the world.

But in a compeletely another dimension, Super Mario lived in a Bursti-Wursti-Wax World, that was full of Wax wax. Super Mario and the other Bursti-Wursti-Wax World inhabitants used the Wax wax to cover the trails Luigi's (Mario's brother) face made on their leather boots. And they danced on Luigi's face all days, until Sonic the Hedgehog appeared to pay his debts. To everyone. With a lightning speed, he pulled a Bible from his coat, and Mario armed himself with The Origin of Species, by Charles Darwin. And they proceeded to beat each other with the books until the end of the worlds, in a place called Baldur's Gate, where the grand duke Sarevok was happily waiting for this reunion, having some Special Non-Alcoholic Beer. This is when arrived his arch-enemy Abdel Adrian, who seemed oddly calm when we remember how Sarevok beat him in staring contest for one thousandth, fifth hundred, thirty-seventh time. But he didn't give up, instead challenging the champion every week.

After a few (non-alcoholic) beer, Sarevok was so drunk that he couldn't tell the difference between a computer and a mirror, and Abdel used the situation for his advantage, shooting Sarevok with a shotgun to the head, but unfortunately the shells just flew past him since he was in god mode. And he laughed, pretty hard. Abdel didn't like this and decided to bring bigger guns to bear, so he armed himself with two MAC-10s and fired million bullets using Bullet Time, but tripped on the table and hit his head to Sarevok's computer. This caused a massive rumble and grumble in the time-space continuum, and suddenly Abdel found himself from Yaga-Shura's bed, who was in a hangover, and seeing him, said: "I will never again drink anyone beautiful!". Confused, Abdel ran straight to the nearest bar to clear his head.

In the bar, he saw to his horror, that he was getting terribly bald, so he decided to tell all his sorrows to the barman, Peter the Orangutan. Peter was displeaced, and decided to end his sufferings: He smashed a glass bottle to the table, and used it to hit Balthazar, who was sitting next to Abdel. But what did Balthazar do in the bar? Abdel woke him up and demanded that he'd join Alcoholics Anonymous with him. "Come on, we've got all the cool people such as Azak Al-Rayhem, Bill Stone, Arnold Brightwater and Charles Yates." Balthazar looked him straight into his black, evil eyes, and said: "Very well, Mr. Abdel Adrian, but only if you defeat me in a fair battle. This is a question of honor."

The bar around them blew up in atoms. Grinning, Balthazar jumped to his Timberwolf class mecha, while Abdel chose his tiny Mini Cooper, and began to dance Trepak without giving a damn to the approaching Balthazar and his robot, and the terrible sounds it left. Thud, Thud, Thud, said the little alien from a small world, whose most prominent attribute was his neon brown cuff stud in the middle nostril of his left nose, that was right on the middle of his forehead. The thing pulled a two-handed sword from his pocket, snarled, and attacked Balthazar, hissing and snarling furiously. Actually it was a member of a world-eating mammal species known as Grunting Bum Compressor Activation Switch, that helped in many problems and troubles.

Around this time Balthazar started to get pretty angry, and he yelled at Abdel: "Abdel, you're not taking me seriously, so die!". A gleam of madness in his eye, and a thirst for blood in his veins, he charged his Timberwolf towards Abdel. But suddenly arrived an ice cream truck, that was driven by no other than Sarevok! He treated them with ice cream, that tasted like nuclear waste, so Abdel asked "Damn you Sarevok, can't you have any other kind of job after the nuclear apocalypse of all Forgotten Realms - better known as the 4th edition release - than to sell Baskin Robbins nuclear waste ice creams!" "Yeah, Dairy Queen is better!", Balthazar added. And Sarevok responded: "You didn't see me here today. Planet Venus is bright at this time of the year. You saw planet Venus."

But Abdel and Balthazar had grown bored to his explanations, instead continuing their epic battle, this time pulling out some super-weapons. In their wrath, however, their powers skyrocketed, they gained 30 levels, and generated to Super Saiyans. Even the stupidity has limits (but a barking dog won't bite).

"Grrrrr!!", growled Abdel Adrian.

"Mrrrrr!!", growled Balthazar.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!", growled Abdel.

"MRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!", growled Balthazar.

"Well, um...", mumbled Sarevok, and left.

And so Balthazar and Abdel growled at each other for the rest of the day, and when the sun set, they finally started to fight. A bunch of squirrels watched, with mingled feelings of fear and respect, how these two galactic warriors fought over the (temporary) lordship of the entire universe. But then they became angry, because the battle was a tie, and wanted Sarevok to come and declare the winner, as Sarevok was well known for not being very impartial, the fact that made everyone respect him more than John Romero's hair. Thus they all took a lot of money and bought 237 gallons of Smurf Cola, as well as 2 hot dogs with lots of cetchup. Drinking all that stuff took all their strength, so after this they decided to take a nap. But the Smurf Cola did its job, transforming them into small, blue creatures with white hats.

From this, Sarevok was very inspired, and jumped to his HHMMWV-jeep, beginning to drive towards the Smurf Land, which could, as everyone knows, be accessed through sewers in Brooklyn. But halfway there he met the Cow Head, still filled with Hiccup Powder , who had woken up and destroyed Zaibah. Without blinking, Sarevok challenged him to Staring Contest: At stake would be the entire universe, as well as two more bottles of Smurf Cola.

The winner of this terrible battle was, sure enough, the still unbeatable Sarevok. But the Cow Head said: "I'll be back!", and vanished with a puff of logic. Sarevok decided that he would need to prepare for the upcoming, even more terrible battle. This he accomplished by getting sugar high (that is to say, eating five pounds of pure sugar and getting totally crazy), as this would be The Final Battle Ever. Finally the time for leaving was at hand, and so Sarevok said goodbye to his sidekick and secret lover - Maria Gonzales. He headed to the battlefield, where the Cow Head was already waiting for him. The two gazed at each other very angrily, the spirit force around Sarevok began to vibrate in red color, and the horrible battle began...

...to bore the Playstation player crowd before it had even started. To this, Sarevok and Cow Head commented in unison: "Away from the earthly realm, far away, where the light has never gone, and ever will (unless someone for some reason goes there with a flashlight)!" But luckily Sarevok had got used to dark places, and he saw Maria Gonzales, who begged him to beat the Cow Head, for the Fate of All Universes of All Ages was in his hands. Then he woke up from the battlefield and pulled a samurai sword from somewhere. His eyes began to glow with bright red light, and with an unending rage he transformed into Super Saiyan. "WAAAARRGHH! For all the worlds and universes I will destroy you, Cow Head!", he screamed and jumped towards his opponent, who screamed of pure horror and leapt to the wall screaming "No one can be told what Athkatla is. You have too see Abdel Adrian for your self!". Then, with a slow-motion, he took a poké ball from his pocket and pushed it to his sleeve, that had ripped off in the previous battle like destiny, and so he roared the pain of his life. But the contents of this poké ball fused with the Cow Head, resulting in a Smiling Child, the most annoying creature ever. The Child used its terrible smile, so that Sarevok would have an heart attack and run away, but surprisingly he didn't flinch, instead pulling our a camera and yelling:

"Holy Death Terror Electromagnetic Punch!"

The horrible super attack hit straight on the Child.

"Wiped the smile off your face, ha ha haa!", Sarevok boasted, but then noticed that the Smiling Child was unharmed: He had written GOD on his console. Angry, Sarevok lectured about the dangers and immoralities of multiplayer cheating, but then the Child's head began to grow, until it was the size of a melon. But Sarevok had, secretly, ordered a sniper to position, and once the Child's head was big enough, he heard "Gold sniper, sights are hot!". Sarevok responded "Snipers, fire!", and the melon head burst into pieces. But the match wasn't over yet, as it was only the round one, and then the Smiling Child had already grown up a new head. "Sniper fag!", he yelled to his opponent, and powered up. Then he made a super attack named Rocket Jump, jumping over Sarevok, loading his AK-47 with cow pee, and firing and firing and firing at Sarevok until he farted. Embarrased, Sarevok grew even more angry, and achieved the next Super Saiyan level. Using his new cool powers he began to swing air. Air got angry and left the battle arena, causing the Smiling Child to choke and die, but Sarevok survived, as he was wearing a scuba gear.

Satisfied, he went home, and slumped to his armchair, saying: "Ahh, finally some vacation! All those chaotic battles with strange enemies are in the past! At last I can fully concentrate on founding a Pokémon farm, and collecting Morris Minis!" Unfortunately, a mean neighbour had captured all his pokémons, so Sarevok decided to forget all the crap about turning the other cheek, digging up an old sawed-off shotgun from his secret weapon stash. "Groovy," he said, and wrote a horribly cruel rant to Gibberlings Three forums about the neighbour, also asking Abdel to mock him. But Abdel was preoccupied by a large bucket of Smurf Cola he had found.

"Boy, I'd like to drink that shit," he thought, when suddenly Sarevok jumped to the room, straight on the Smurf Cola, creating a massive pressure wave that caused Abdel to beat the crap out of Yaga-Shura. This made Yaga very angry, and he growled: "Damn youth of the day! When I was your age, you'd have to commit seppuku of such actions!"

"Dishonourable don't deserve to live," he continued. "Must be one of those poor video gamers," Sarevok whispered to Abdel. "Poor guy."

"This is highly illogical, captain," Abdel responded.

That's when something snapped in Sarevok's head.

"Are you one of Them, too?", he hissed to Abdel.

"Them? What them?", the other asked.

"Well Them!", Sarevok hissed. "I mean, of course, the middle-sized middle-aged squirrels who show their middle fingers to everyone, and howl with awful voices while sniffing glue!"

"Oh me?", Abdel asked. "Oh heavens no, everyone knows that I'm a human/saiya-jin, paladin/white knight, as well as Legally Unpleasant Killing Machine, who dreams of world conquest every day, and whose favourite hobby is, instead of glue sniffing, gas drinking, which is extremely recommended! Even Tony Blair has confessed that he hates such people!"

That's when Sarevok gained a fateful flashback. So he screamed "I have a bunch of coconuts!". Abdel also had a fateful flashback, and so he took three coconuts from Sarevok, that he was going to use to execute some libanonian prisoners, that had hated Baldur's Gate just 15 minutes ago. But they weren't very effective weapons, and thus the convicts managed to escape his wrath, ending up in Sendai's room, where she growled and roared and spoke ancient norwegian and swore over her mother's grave: "I will never again drink punch with raisins on it!"

Despite this, the libanonians managed to gather enough courage to hide to the closet from the wrath of this female demon. This might not have been a very nice move either, as this particular closet was narrow and crowded, and had the awful smell of Yaga-Shura's unwashed sock that had been forgotten there. The libanonians gathered all their strength and united to together sniff this sock, and breath its stinky air. Sendai was already wondering how they enjoyed their time in their closet so much, when suddenly they came out, as one of them had been shot with AK-47, while another was taken prisoner and tortured in horrible ways by forcing him to watch the entire Gurren Lagann in one sitting - which he actually enjoyed very much. Meanwhile, Illasera was explaining to everyone how masturbation was compeletely harmless way of spending time, which was actually a horrible and stinking lie and compelete bullshit. Illasera got hurt of such comments, pulled a shotgun from her pocket, and fired the closest person in the room, which was Abdel, who had come there chasing the libanonians. While firing she said: "Eat bullets you scum!"

Horribly bleeding and mad, Abdel recited (that is to say, responded): "That hurt like hell, but no matter, as it missed!". Now it was his turn to strike, as the entire battle was turn based. He grabbed the frozen and helpless Illasera and hanged her from a meathook. As she was slowly choking to death, he, overcome with sadistic pleasure, put on a hockey mask, and pulled a chainsaw from his jacket. "Nga ha ha ha ha..." He laughed, as he turned it on.

Just then the door slammed open, and inside stepped two massive apes, both having merrily coloured rubber chickens in their hands, along with a Smiling Child -collection card came card and a bottle of legendary Smurf Cola. The first ape, named Jojo (the 33rd reincarnation of the Space Hedgehog) noticed the murderous Abdel Adrian and growled: "Alakazam". This teleported Sarevok to the scene, who happily said: "Today is a good day to die!". Then he left his card, that said "Sarevok Anchev Was Here" to the apes, which horribly shocked Yaga-Shura, who said: "Oh golly gee, where is this world going to!". Sarevok ignored him and decided to take the justice to his own hands and become a vigilante. "I am the law!", he screamed, and beat Yaga's brain over the great fields where Abdel was was raising sheep and green chickens, that Sarevok sneezed to death. Shocked, Abdel walked to him and said: "Hey Sarevok, how about eating all that pepper through your mouth instead of your nose from now on!" Then Sarevok sat on a hedgehog.

 

The End.

[Icendoan]

*meep*.

 

I need to write when on a full blast caffeine/sugar rush. If it turns out things like THAT then it will be well worth it.

 

Icen

[muffin-tacos]

Simply brilliant!!