Survival Guide for Fantasy Characters

[Domi]

from this thread: http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php?showtopic=34735

 

Yeah, your brother/father/uncle really is evil. Act accordingly.

And that Vizier guy, too.

Don't sleep or eat at the Inn of the guy with the foreign accent

However if the innkeeper is blond haired and blue eyed (like you) he is actually a friend

Assume all rumours/myths/legends/foretelling's/prophecies concerning evil beings are TRUE and act accordingly

If all else fails and you are going to die, pray to the Gods of Erikson.

Need a rare berry/herb/root to cure a traveling companion? No worries...it just so happens to be native to the area you are nearby!

When in doubt sing a silly ass song because you have nothing better to do.

Be the main character/plot device. You're golden.

In regards to the above: Ensure the author has secured a sequel with the publisher.

When faced with a career choice, go for 'innkeeper'. You'll end up well fed and happy.

If you chew sourleaf to the point of your teeth becoming red, ignore the above

If you see an old, weak man walking alone on a road you better not anger him, he will kick your ass.

Same for any brooding, small, athletic woman wearing revealing leather.

If your friend/companion/lover/pet seems to have done something horrible, check to see if he/she/it is actually responsible and/or that the horrible thing actually happened.

Be afraid of chickens.

Stay clear of teenage farmboys and wilful red haired princesses

If you are female you should become a whore. It's really not that bad a job at all and you will inevitably become very cheeky, highly intelligent and see it all as a bit of a lark.

Keep a Dream Diary.

Carry a pair of swords around with awful matching names. Do not be afraid of making ghastly puns with them either.

Never be afraid to take million-to-one chances - it will always work out in your favor.

No matter how arrogant the princess/elf/warrior woman seems to be, she secretly wants to be deflowered by you. Go for it.

Never accept a job as a Dark Lord's trusted lieutenant.

Swarthy people are evil.

Your father is the greatest swordsman in the land, but gave it up to raise you on the farm.

That eccentric old hermit is the greatest wizard in the land. Maybe if you get him to teach you a few things before the Evil Empire invades, you can save your family.

If you're female, get a sex change. It'll save trouble with all the attempted sexual violence, actual sexual violence, inability to positively affect any important events, and really really impractical clothing.

Just stop arguing with your irritating travel companion and get it on already. You were thrown together by the Fates for a Reason.

Check the number of Really Evil guys in your neighbourhood. If there's more than one, chances are you'll need to team up with the less evil of the two in order to defeat the worse one. Try not to burn your bridges by killing too many of his henchmen.

Never assume it is impossible to kill a god. Even if you fail delivering final death, weakening a god for a thousand years is nearly as good.

You are the chosen one.

Your pet will sacrifice itself to save your life.

That rock is really the egg of some long thought dead creature that you can raise as a pet.

 

etc... Fun thread, check it out if you have time!

[Western Paladin]

Thanks for the thread! It reminds me of The Tough Guide to Fantasyland, by Diana Wynne Jones. Both are good entertainment (which doubles as a "How not to . . ." guide).

[berelinde]

Reminds me of The Grand List of Console Role-Playing Games Cliches. But always good for a laugh.

[theacefes]

Arbor Day Rule rocks!

[CoM_Solaufein]

Consoles and RPGs? That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.

[G-Mon]

Meh, I'd just read the Universal Genre Savvy Guide (WARNING! Link goes to TV Tropes! Do not click if you have important work to do this weekend!).