Holiday Humor

[Bri]

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,

Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;

Santa's passed out with some ice on his head.

 

Ribbons and wrapping paper cover the floor,

While upstairs the family continues to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,

Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;

The patch on his jacket said "U.S. Postman."

 

Reaching into his pack, he grinned like a fox

And stuffed a handful of bills in our mailbox.

Bill after bill after bill they all came

As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

 

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's, and Sears;

Here's Robinson's, Levitz's, and Target and Mervyn's.

To the top of your limit, every store, every mall,

Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

 

He laughed and he whistled as he finished his work.

He filled up our box and then turned with a jerk.

He got in his truck and he drove down the road,

Driving lots faster with just half a load.

 

Then I heard him exclaim, with great holiday cheer,

"Enjoy what you've got, you'll be paying all year!"

[Bri]

On the day after Christmas, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light beside a kid on a shiny new bike. "Nice bike you've got there, kid. Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, sir. He did." "Well, next time, you'd better tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike!" said the cop as he wrote the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. As the kid took the ticket, he said, "Officer, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring it to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop replied, "Yeah, he sure did." "Well, next time tell Santa to put the dick under the horse, instead of on top!"

[Bri]

Christmas Songs Brain Teaser

Can you translate these titles of well-known Christmas songs? (Answers follow.)

 

1.       Oh, Member Of The Round Table With Missing Areas

 

2.       Boulder Of The Tinkling Metal Spheres

 

3.       Vehicular Homicide Was Committed On Dad's Mom By A Precipitous Darling

 

4.       Wanted In December: Top Forward Incisors

 

5.       The Apartment Of Two Psychiatrists

 

6.       The Diminutive Percussionist Lad

 

7.       Sir Lancelot With Laryngitis

 

8.       Embellish The Corridors

 

9.       Cup-Shaped Instruments Fashioned Of A Whitish Metallic Element

 

10.    Oh Small Israel Urban Area South Of Jerusalem

 

11.    Removed In A Bovine Feeding Trough

 

12.    The Autocratic Troika Originating Near The Ascent Of Apollo

 

13.    Duodecimal Enumeration Of The Passage Of The Yuletide Season

 

14.    Leave And Broadcast From An Elevation

 

15.    We Fervent Hope That You Thoroughly Enjoy Your Yule

 

16.    Listen, The Winged Heavenly Messengers Are Proclaiming Tunefully

 

17.    As The Woolly Animal Guardians Protected Their Charges In The Dark Hours

 

18.    I Beheld A Trio Of Nautical Vessels Moving In This Direction

 

19.    Jubilation To The Entire Terrestrial Orb

 

20.    Do You Perceive The Same Vibrations That Stimulate My Auditory Sense Organ?

 

21.    Parent Observed Osculating A Corpulent Unshaven Red-Coated Teamster

 

22.    May The Deity Bestow An Absence Of Fatigue To Mild Male Humans

 

23.    Rose-Colored Uncouth Is Aware Of The Nature Of Precipitation, Darling

 

24.    Approach Everyone Who Is Steadfast

 

25.    The Primary Carol

 

26.    My Fantasy Concerns A Blanched Yuletide

 

27.    During The Period When Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges

 

28.    Seraphim We Aurally Detected In The Stratosphere

 

 

 

Answers

1.        Oh, Holy Night

2.        Jingle Bell Rock

3.        Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

4.        All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

5.        Nutcracker Suite

6.        The Little Drummer Boy

7.        Silent Night

8.        Deck The Halls

9.        Silver Bells

10.     Little Town Of Bethlehem

11.     Away In A Manger

12.     We Three Kings

13.     The Twelve Days Of Christmas

14.     Go Tell It On The Mountain

15.     We Wish You A Merry Christmas

16.     Hark, The Herald Angels Sing

17.     As Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night

18.     I Saw Three Ships On Christmas Day

19.     Joy To The World

20.     Do You Hear What I Hear

21.     I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

22.     God Rest You Merry Gentlemen

23.     Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

24.     Oh, Come All Ye Faithful

25.     The First Noel

26.     I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

27.     When Shepherds Watched Their Flocks at Night

28.     Angels We Have Heard On High

[Bri]

The 12 "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of the Euro-centrically imposed midwinter festival, my significant other in a consenting-adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

 

12 males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

 

11 pipers piping (plus an 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the American Federation of Musicians as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

 

10 melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

 

9 persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

 

8 economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

 

7 endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

 

6 enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

 

5 golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration;

 

NOTE: members of the Animal Liberation Front have forced the calling birds, French hens and partridge to be reintroduced into their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised as follows:

 

4 hours of recorded whale songs

 

3 deconstructionist poets

 

2 Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

 

And a spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree!

[Gospel]

Was the horsey female then?

[Bri]

Was the horsey female then?

Heh, yes the horsie was a girlie ;-)

 

 

A Fine Print Holiday Greeting

From us (hereinafter called the "Wishor") to you (hereinafter called the "Wishee"), please accept without obligation, express or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having due regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the Wishee.

 

By accepting this greeting you agree to be bound by the following terms as applicable:

 

Ø This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal;

 

Ø This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged;

 

Ø This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes;

 

Ø This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or all or some of the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor;

 

Ø This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first;

 

Ø The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the Wishor;

 

Ø Any references implied in this greeting to the a deity, to a mythical figure, or to any other traditionally festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

[Bri]

An elderly couple was watching television. During a commercial break, the husband asked, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a pause, his wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

 

It was the day of the big pre-Christmas sale. A flood of advertising had created a long line in front of the store, well before its scheduled opening time. A small man appeared in the parking lot and pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. He tried again, but this time he got punched in the jaw and thrown back to the end of the line. As he brushed himself off a second time, he announced to the line, "That does it! If you hit me one more time, I'm not going to open the store!"

[Bri]

Mom wasn't happy that her three teenagers wanted to spend Christmas Eve out partying instead of home with the family. But she finally relented, under two conditions: that they be home by midnight; and, that they bring her something that reminds them of Christmas. Long before midnight, her younger daughter entered with a sprig of holly. Exactly at midnight, her elder daughter arrived carrying a cute little Santa Claus doll. Mom thanked them and then sat back to wait for her son. And wait... and wait... and wait until finally, after three AM, in staggers her drunken son. "Uh, sorry, Mom," he stammered, "but I guess I lost track of time." "You certainly did!" said Mom in no uncertain terms. "And I suppose you also forgot my other condition?" He desperately searched his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of red lace panties. Mom glared at him. "Exactly what makes you think that these would remind me of Christmas?!" "But, Mom," he slurred. "They're Carol's!"