Comments on His World or Mine Challenge

[Domi]

Oh, that was an excellent start. I kept reading the story, and I was thinking - it is so close to the end, how would he manage to get it all resolved? But, the truth was revealed in the very last paragraphs.

 

I think, the fact that it was written in an original world asked for that extra space, but on another hand, the descriptions won from it - I loved for example the non-chalant way in which the year was introduced.

 

You took a short-cut of an archetype for the main character - and it worked well. The dialogues moved smoothly (heh, that is expected from a mod writer!). The plot was good and, what's very important for me as a reader ina short story, got resolved inside it.

 

There were a couple of things that did not quite tie in for me - the politics sort of stayed behind the screen until the very end; and the alien character - Shekrr - she was very interesting, but sort of a bit accidental. The story gives an interesting dialogue around her and her personality, and it made me expect something happening with her, her being in the centre of the story. When it did not happen, I was dissappointed.

 

Well written and looking forward to an FR story.

[BigRob]

Thanks Domi.

 

I must say I was feeling that 5000 word limit (and if you count it I went over by a few words) especially for getting things all wrapped up by the end. Originally, there was going to be a lot more of Thomas running about looking for clues, expanded roles for Shekrr, Siren and Alex and lots of fluff about the setting, but slap in a few conversations and some plot and you've got 5000 words... I think the FR story will be easier, but we'll see.

[BigRob]

This one's for "You'll Thank Me For This"

 

 

Nice story Bons, I like the entire twisted nightmare society, with the Pratchett-like feel to it and the Shadows of Amn references buried in it was amusing.

 

It was a simple plot all told, but all the detail was in the setting and the characters, which is what kept me reading until the end. Things like the unexplained use of pancakes as a unit of measure were a good touch... after all, who's going to give a history of measurement systems in a casual conversation?

 

I do have one gripe though: At some point in the second part, Taffeta starts calling Foxley Mae'var for no apparent reason. I suspect that this is from a culled line somewhere, but it looks very odd.

[Guest Bons]

Thanks for your comments, BigRob!

 

I do have one gripe though: At some point in the second part, Taffeta starts calling Foxley Mae'var for no apparent reason. I suspect that this is from a culled line somewhere, but it looks very odd.

 

Yes, that aspect is pretty awkward. I don't have Foxley explain that Bumble and he gave out fake names for their wheelbarrow salesmen aliases until several lines later. When I was first writing it, I know I was thinking, "They'd be too cunning to use their real names!" but I didn't sell the idea in execution. I could have been clearer and included Foxley giving their fake names just after the "Allow me to introduce myself..." and then ended that section, as an alternative. In the end, though, the ploy doesn't add much story value. I could roll each Mr. Beetle and Mr. Mae'var back to Mr. Bumble and Mr. Mastoon and very little content would be affected, so, overall, I did a weak job with that fake name business.

[Bri]

Not a whole lot to say BigRob, other than it is well written, though it definitely could have been longer (though given the rules of the challenge, it wouldn't have fit the criteria).

 

I am especially pleased to see you got the spacing down like I suggested. Got to admit, it makes reading it a lot easier

 

And I admit, I like that bit about hiding in plain sight. After all, if you try to make someone entirely disappear...well, if something happens to them, it takes a long time for anything to filter out then.

[Bri]

For You’ll Thank Me For This (Part the First) by Bons.

 

I apologize for not being able to read the challenges until now.

 

Well, I know how hard it can be to remain within the confines of a challenge or contest, but sometimes I like to do that as well. It stretches my creativity by imposing limits on it (that sounds kind of pedantic, I know).

 

I admit, I do like seeing the three parter...of course, I do like reading sequential bits. Not that I have had much luck completing my own lately.

Sometimes, civilization couldn’t catch a break.

LOL. And definite overtones of the Roman rulership...

 

Bumble, who followed suit. “Uncle disapproves of pear-shaped pears. He finds the skinny ends underachieving.â€Â

 

You know, I had a relative who had this exact view...

[BigRob]

Thanks Bri.

 

The one thing this challenge has taught me about writing is that it's conversation that uses up the most words. It's slow development vs. rapid skimming, I suppose. There was much more conversation that had to be compressed into description to make the 5000 words.

 

And I admit, I like that bit about hiding in plain sight.  After all, if you try to make someone entirely disappear...well, if something happens to them, it takes a long time for anything to filter out then.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm a big fan of the whole idea, if you can't tell. Any time I can squeeze it convincingly into a game/story is a good time.

[Domi]

I have finally had the time to read Bon's challenge with the attention it deserved. I certainly enjoyed the characters, though I expected that Tafetta was cleverer than she appeared. Mae'Var and Uncle Gerhart refernces did not bother me that much. The style was lovely - the main character was very much alike, and they fit and belonged just marvelously in the setting after appearing as 'it can't be serious!' Lovely story, if not 5,000 words

 

Heh, one of those days I am going to have my FR story from my proofreader, and I have to confess that I did run over 5,000 as well ( I think I ended up about 8.5-9K)

[Domi]

OK, here is the FR story I have been working on: http://forums.gibberlings3.net/index.php?showtopic=4249

 

First of all, I am very-very greatful to Kulyok for beta reading the numerous drafts and thorough commentary; and a statement of: "I think I know what's going to happen in the end... and it's going to be bad" that made me to try to surprise her, and as a result I have surprised myself. And to Dorotea who when discussing the idea immideatly told me: "A hunchback? That's too comical." and asked a few tough 'why' questions that lead to a complete restructuring of the story before it was even written.

 

Now, here are the difficulties I have encountered working with FR setting: Firstly, I went over the word count limit - I ended up with 8.7 K words, instead of 5K. I think I had been lucky to stay within FR setting, because I did not have to do so much background work. On the other hand, I still have the nagging feeling that I am AU - both in the black Raven's description (which I cooked up based on 'The Savage Frontier" source book, and in the priestly powers - that last one is probably the major AU factor.

 

All and all, I think it is distinctively FR story, though, and cannot be changed into an original one by simply substituting a few names and altering Aurelites' motivations a bit.

 

Cheers, and I hope you'd enjoy it.

[BigRob]

Just read "The Shawl of Snowflakes" and I liked it. Lots of description and depth in the setting (helps that you don't have to explain too much and you can get on with things, eh?) and a fun mix of magic, politics and fairy talesque stuff.

 

I very much liked the ending, though I did get a heavy foreshadowing of what would happen when Hallveig was speaking to Einarr’s daughters. I did wonder what was going to happen with this bit:

From the look on the Einarr’s face, he felt that he had done a great wrong: “With my wife. She found comfort in it for her belly, and warmth.â€Â

But it got sorted in the end.

 

 

There were still a few spelling issues in it here and there, but nothing major. Overall, very nice.

 

 

Now, I'll have to put aside some time and finish the one I've started.

[cliffette]

I've read both BigRob's and Bons' stories and Domi's is up next for the tackling!

 

BigRob - I don't usually like scifi or tech stories, but you made me like your story and keep reading til the end. There were moments that made the story very vivid, such as the engineer's smiling in a socially unacceptable manner. The pacing was really good 'til near the end, but then seemed kind of rushed - I guess that was the word limit coming into play! I wish I had that kind of problem as I usually have trouble getting to the word limit. Siren's cleavage was amusing, and like Domi, I'd like to know more about Shekrr.

 

Bons - This was an interesting experience because I found it hard to decide whether I should just read and enjoy it as a parody or try to take it more seriously - the tone says the former, but the length inclines me to the latter. Nicely plotted, though I was expecting the double-cross by Taffeta - but not the second double-cross (or is that a triple-cross... or maybe that's not even the right term). I liked the bright tone, but at times it got in the way of the story. But that's one of my own problems too.

 

 

Some ancillary comments - After having written half of an original world story, I think it's alot easier writing original fantasy than sticking to a pre-made world. It really does depend on how much of the world you're showing, and I'm not showing much of it in mine. The freedom of coming up with my own buildings, social customs and laws is worth the word limit (though admittedly that's never been much of a problem).

[Domi]

Thank you, Rob.

 

And, yay, Cliffstory is coming!

 

An interesting comment on the style of the story getting into the way of the story, Cliffette. Is it because the narrator's voice is in dissonance with the events? I thought that Bons' story had the balance right with the protagonist and narrator having much in common in a way of humor. The settings' quirks were what bothered me more, though it was all worth it for me, when one of the characters was revealed not to like the 'pear-shaped pears' because one end is 'underachieving'. It just bought me

 

Hmm, I should try that original story that I have wrote the opening paragraph for... I got immediately confused with what the settings reminds me of, and what it should and all that

[BigRob]

Thanks for the comments Cliffette.

 

I'm glad I managed o keep you in a genre that you don't normally like. I always think Sci-fi should be more "fi" than "sci", so I tried to keep the technology in the background, except for the illegal stuff and the cultural bias against being wired.

The word limit is a big kick to the end of my story. I was getting so into the plot that I wasn't thinking about the limit... and when I got there there was so much stuff I didn't want to take out at the beginning. I'm trying to keep it in mind as I do the second one.

[cliffette]

Heh, Domi, I think that's what I meant - but more like the "cheek (facial)" instances. They were funny, yet distracting at the same time, mainly because I was playing a guessing game with the narrator and trying to figure out how seriously I should take the story.

 

And now for DomiStory! This was very rich and dense with detail. I don't think I quite understood the whole story because the dream imagery and the names confused me - especially the "father's father" and "my father's daughter" - yegods! The image of Einarr crying on his wife was absolutely beautiful. I've always loved dramatic tragedy. I also liked the image of the raven bursting into life as it was tossed into the air. Very fantastic.

 

One minor quibble which I have is the use of the word 'yurt'. When the rest of the story's language is in english, then it might be better not to use a very jarring foreign word, when 'dwelling' or 'home' would do. Maybe a description of the yurt at first to let the reader know it's a yurt, but then go on to call it his home. That way it doesn't stand out so much and potentially distract a (finicky, fussy) reader.

 

^ Note that with the quibble, you can definitely get me back on that one in my own story.

[Domi]

(borrows a wave from Bons. Waves.) Oh, worry not I will go through your story with a fine comb! (giggles) I guess I have overdone it on the complex addresses. Someone else mentioned, that I need to thin them out, so I'll get to it one day. The funny thing is, that to me wigwam sounds like an outlandish word, so I used a more familiar yurt... Go figure. Thank you for reading and looking forward to the Cliffstory.