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Comments on Ice and Fury


Bri

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Looks like Auril is a popular one in the FR section :p I agree with Bri, that the story is a chapter, I guess, rather than a short story, but please, do continue posting.

 

I thought some parts were a bit difficult to follow, I was confused for example by the transfer of action from Auril herself to the priest. In the descriptions, 'winter' appeared a bit too often, so a bit of smoothing over this part could be beneficial.

 

A couple of thoughts on the story itself - if it is a longer story, it is less convenient for the reader to jump from character to character especially separated by distances. It might work better if the story about the wizard was related in one chapter - what there was, and extra- and then the next chapter would move to Auril and the priest. Sepaparating paragraphs would also be a bit more convenient.

 

But an interesting begining, and I will be curious to see how it develops.

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I agree that this one is just screaming to be continued... it does leave off pretty sharply at the end there. :p

 

 

In terms of style, I think the short punchy sentences go well with the way the story is moving and make for a good atmosphere, but I think some of those short sentences need to be joined onto the previous ones. There's not so many, but the one that really stuck out to me was:

 

“Several of the tribes have already dessert the tundra.†Auril was not surprised. Given the nature of the nomadic peoples. Though her plans would be more difficult to execute without the sheer ferocity of the barbarians of the White Wolf tribe.

I really think that one needs to be merged back into the sentence before it.

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Thank you for the feedback. I'd like to address your comments on my piece if I may. :p

 

 

It is looking good Iciclia. Though maybe it was just me, but it seemed like you only finished the first part of your story

 

No, it's not just you. I'm aware that my writing skills are on a par to a deranged howler monkey :) Though I do understand what you are saying and will try to work on it a bit more.

 

Looks like Auril is a popular one in the FR section  I agree with Bri, that the story is a chapter, I guess, rather than a short story, but please, do continue posting.

 

Sorry, I wanted to write something closer to a short story but I think my Muse up and left me that day. Though I am thinking I will work on this one further to kind of end it properly like a short story would end.

 

I thought some parts were a bit difficult to follow, I was confused for example by the transfer of action from Auril herself to the priest. In the descriptions, 'winter' appeared a bit too often, so a bit of smoothing over this part could be beneficial.

 

Yep, again my apologies. My writing is something needing working on. Though the example you've given was one of the few character interactions I know how to do, but still it needs work, and thats perfectly understandable.

 

A couple of thoughts on the story itself - if it is a longer story, it is less convenient for the reader to jump from character to character especially separated by distances. It might work better if the story about the wizard was related in one chapter - what there was, and extra- and then the next chapter would move to Auril and the priest. Sepaparating paragraphs would also be a bit more convenient.

 

That's one of the things I remember thinking while writing this. My tendency of jumping from character to character was obvious - too obvious. It was almost as if the characters were changing roles instead of the scene changing. :p So this will be heavily worked on in editing as I promised above.

 

But an interesting begining, and I will be curious to see how it develops.

 

Yay! I'm glad there is an interest. That is one of my primary reasons for writing these kind of 'sneak peeks', to hook the reader as soon as I can. I'm glad I was successful with at least this.

 

 

Thank you for all your comments. I hope I will have some time to sit down and really work on this, so that readers can truly catch the experience that I think FR based writing is. :)

 

-May it be forever Winter

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