Hello Cthulhu!

[Userunfriendly]

The party went first to the Adventure Mart.  That store was full of some of the finest equipment Hellocthul had ever seen, and all available for mere gold, instead of being defended by monsters.  Hellcthul went directly up to Deirdre near the back.

 

"Hello my good lady.  Care to look at my goods?" Deirdre asked.

 

Hellocthul picked up the dark green Robes of Vecna, deposited the 15 thousand gold on her table, (making the table creak alarmingly due to the weight) and motioned Nalia over.

 

"Hon, here, hold this." Hellocuthul took off her sword belt, and her current unmagical mage robes, and gave them to Nalia.  She stood there in her tight suede pants and well fitting suede jerkin that she wore under her mage robes.  She slipped the dark green robes over her head, and tied the small cords that were used to fasten the Robes of Vecna.

 

"Hon, can you adjust me?" Hellocthul asked Nalia.

 

Nalia carefully adjusted the small cords that were used to shorten the sleeves and tied the billowing cuffs around her wrists.  Unlike more modern robes, the Robes of Vecna were a divided skirt; they allowed the wearer to split the skirt of the robe in the front, and Nalia was able to make the robes fit like a long, one piece jumpsuit, tucking the bottom of the robes into the top of her boots.  Nalia and Hellocthul adjusted each other's mage robes every morning, and had a lot of fun doing so. It gave them a chance to dress each other, and adjust each others clothing.  

 

After Nalia finished knotting and tying all the small cords that fitted the robes to the new owner, Hellcthul walked to the back, to the small sparring area set up in the back of the store.  She could feel the powerful enchantments of the robes already working.  She felt her senses heightening, and her ability to detect movement and respond by dodging or parrying seemed much more fluid and easier.  She raised her hands, and cast the improved haste spell on herself.  The true power of the robe revealed itself as her fingers began the spell. The spell seemed to roll off her tongue effortlessly, and with ease, and she was able to enunciate the words of the spell faster while still clearly pronouncing the arcane and difficult to speak syllables.  As the spell took hold, the world slowed.

 

Under improved haste, Hellocthul carefully went thru the basic kata's of a kensai's mastery, her movements fluid and graceful.  To Hellocthul, she was doing the kata's at normal speed, but to the rest of the party, she was a flashing blur of motion, barely visible as she went thru unarmed drill.  As the spell neared the end of its duration, she suddenly did an acrobatic flip and twirl, her form a blur of motion leaping and jumping several yards into the air.  She finally finished as the spell wore off, and wiped her face with a towel Viconia handed to her.

 

"Most impressive as always, abbil.  Perhapse you plan to raise the rest of the moneys by performing on the streets?  Do you perhapse know how to juggle, or tell fortune?" Hellocthul grinned at Viconia.

 

"And you can be the mime?  I wonder how you would look in white grease paint?  Or how you would deal with the enforced silence?" Jeheira's eyes smiled, at the thought of the drow being forced to be quiet for hours at a time.

 

"Master Ribaud, do you still have that shield we saw the other day?" Hellocthul asked the proprietor of the Adventure Mart.

 

"That we do, young lady." Ribaud produced the light, grey Shield of Reflection.  Hellocthul paid the price, and handed the shield to Viconia.  Viconia strapped on the buckles and fasteners on her left arm, then went back to the sparring area, to go thru the strike, block, strike combinations of the flail and shield fighter.  Hellocthul then bought the Belt of Hill Giant strength for Jaheira, since the Shield of Balduran she carried was extremely heavy and required a lot of strength to perform a left hand shield bash on an enemy that came in too close. Jaheira carefully tightened the belt over her leather sword belt, cinching the buckle just below her navel, the strength belt riding comfortably supporting her gut.  She joined Viconia in the sparring area, and both of them went thru a quick practice bout, each of them witholding the full strength used to deliver a killing blow.  

 

Hellocthul took her sword belts back from Nalia, and sighed. "Master Ribaud, I don't suppose you have a Kuran-Tur two sword rig, do you?" she asked wistfully.

 

"Well, actually I think I do. Boy, get that wyvern leather harness in the back, near the armor repair tools on the 5th shelf." Hellocthul smiled as the young halfling boy who worked in the Adventure Mart went to the back storage room.

 

"Beloved, what is a Kuran-Tur two sword rig?" Nalia asked.

 

"A Kuran-Tur two sword rig, young lady, is a special rig designed for a Kensai.  It is made in my homeland, where there are far more Kensai's than are in this continent, and it allows a Kensai after uncasing their two swords, to move freely and comfortably with the full range of motion." Yoshimo replied. "The sheaths are made out of specially enchanted wyvern hide, and are soft and supple, but nearly impossible to slice thru, so after the warrior pulls out her swords, the sheaths will not be in the way of the warrior as they move thru the patterns of attack and defense.  You will note that Hellocthul's sword belt has sheaths made of wood and metal, like your own sword case, and that is adequate for normal fighters.  Strong, light and durable, the wood keeps the blades sharp, unlike an all metal sheath.  But a Kensai who fights with twin blades, mounted on the back, a rigid sword sheath will inhibit her full range of motion.  And of course, the harness itself is made of extremely strong wyvern hide, almost indestructable, and useful in itself.  An Adventurer can unstrap the belts that make up the rig in an emergency, and use it as rope.  Each strap can bear the load of many hundreds of pounds, so at need you have several lengths of very strong rope adequate for all sorts of uses."

 

The boy emerged with a dusty harness of dark black leather, with many buckles and straps.  Hellocthul slipped the harness over her shoulders, and cinched the straps.  She bent foward, and stretched her arms, and arched her body, (Nalia grinned appreciatively) and the harness conformed to her every move.  Hellocthul paid Ribaud with a smile, and slipped Celestial Fury into her right hand sheath, and her lightly enchanted long sword into her left.

 

"Ok, we are still able to buy that full plate for Minsc, then it is time to head off to the docks." Hellocthul deposited another large bag full of gold on Deirdre's table, and handed the Plate of Balduran to Minsc.  Luckily, the armor was made for someone very close to Minsc's measurements, and like all very powerful magical armor, it could make small adjustments in size.  Minsc looked at himself in the floor length mirror mounted on the back.

 

"Minsc will now scare evil away with his new magnificent armor! Boo thinks this armor looks just ducky on Minsc!  Right Boo??? Squeek, eek!  And with Minsc's new shiny metal boots, Minsc is sure to kick evil where it really smarts!!!"

 

The party left the store, pleased with their new purchases, and headed for the docks.  Cromwell had Viconia's platemail ready, and after talking with Riff, Hellocthul found out he needed a demon heart, and a wand of lightning to upgrade Celestial Fury.  They went to the headquarters of the Shadow Thieves, and using the phrase "In Baelyn's name" they were admitted inside.  

 

The first thing they noted was the large table full of goods in the middle of the store.  Hellocthul found a leather apron full of throwing daggers in the middle of the table.  She carefully pulled out one of the knives, and noticed the small grooves on the blade filled with a sickly green dried paste.  She approved of the balance of the blade, and after paying the thief, tied the apron full of poisoned throwing daggers on her waist, carefully securing the leg tie downs so the apron would not flap around as she moved.  

 

"Honey, take a look at this!" Nalia had picked up a thick volume with an embossed cover off the table.  Hellocthul leafed through the pages.  It was identical to the book they had bought for 200 gold from the clerk in the government district, that showed all the locations of all the houses in Athlanka, and the interior floor plans of the larger ones.

 

"How much is this book?" Hellocthul asked.

 

"Wwwell, since Baelyn vouched for you, I think the standard Thieve's guild rate of 20 gold should do.  Yesss..." The fence replied.

 

Hellocthul, to Nalia's surprise, laughed. "Oh well, I guess that clerk has already sold the book to the thieve's guild before we went there, eh?  Well, he did look like he had reason to get away from the city."

 

At that point, a young halfling boy came up to Hellocthul. "My master asks you, my lady, for a bit of your time."

 

After getting an offer by Renal Bloodscalp, the party left the docks for the temple district, asking Renal to wait until their task of looking into the new cult was complete.  Renal, while disappointed, accepted this, and asked them to return as soon as possible.

 

As the party entered the temple district, they were accosted by a Kuran Turian warrior, wearing the robes of a kensai, holding a green glowing Katana in his right hand, and a scroll in his left.

 

"My name is Kurosian, a Wu-Jen of no small merit. That sword you bear, Celestial Fury, is rightfully mine.  It was stolen by Koshi from my treasure room 5 years ago, and I have come to reclaim it."

 

"Not likely!"

 

"Then, I am afraid, my sister of the sword, that this will become violent!" Kurosian shimmered with magical defences, and as Hellocthul parried his first attacks, he cast a death fog spell at the party.  Jaheira and Viconia began casting Zone of Sweet Air, as the other members of the party retreated beyond the area of effect of the death fog.  

 

As Hellocthul's first attacks were deflected by Kurosian, she cast a breach spell at Kurosian when she noticed her sword was not able to hit his form.  The spell took down his protection from magic weapons and most of his defences, but he instantly recast his stoneskin and protection from magic weapons.  Also, as he was hit by breach,  a volley of acid arrows materialized from his sword, and struck Hellocthul.  She felt the acid punch through her stoneskins, and her left arm felt like it was on fire.

 

"Minsc, plain bolts crossbow!  Vic, Jae, protection from acid on Minsc!" Hellocthul had noticed that Kurosian's sword had acted in defence of its master, spitting out acid arrows when its master was hit by a spell.  Minsc loaded up his heavy crossbow of searing with plain bolts, while Jaheira and Viconia cast protection from acid on Minsc.  Jan, Nalia, and Yoshimo were firing fire arrows at Kurosian, unable to penetrate his protection from magic weapons spell, but making him flinch, and keeping him from getting to close to the weaker members of the party.  Nalia casts improved haste on Minsc, as Viconia and Jaheira finish protecting him with their spells.  Minsc's plain non-magical bolts went right through Kurosian's protection from magic weapons spell, and the fire damage imparted by the Heavy Crossbow of Searing punched right through the stoneskin covering Kurosian, even while the bolts bounced off.  Hellocthul parried his attacks, as Kurosian's sword spat acid arrows at Minsc.  He was able to shrug them off, due to Jaheira's and Viconia's spells.  Finally, he succumbed to the fire damage from Minsc's crossbow.

 

"Who the frick was that!!! In Helm's name, what the 9 hells is going on here???" The guardians of the temple of Helm were caught in the vapors of the Death Cloud as it was dissipated by Viconia's and Jaheira's Zone of Sweet Air, and their skins were still seared and blistering from the cloud of acid vapor.

 

"That's what we would like to know." Hellocthul replied as she picked up Kurosian's sword.  It was a light, incredibly powerful katana, not only healing the bearer, and making her immune to acid attacks, but also attacked anyone who casts a spell at its wielder, with an acid arrow.  Each enemy who harmed Hellocthul, or casts a combat spell at her, would be hit by a spray of boiling hot acid, as the sword defended its master. As she picked it up, she felt the powerful magic of the sword healing her wounds. "Everybody ok?  Anyone hurt?"  As each member of the party shook their heads, Hellocthul efficiently looted Kurosian's body.  He held a surprising number of magical scrolls, mostly protection from magic weapons and death cloud.  Jan and Nalia received the scrolls, to be added to their spell books later.

 

Hellocthul removed the enchanted longsword from her left hand sheath, and inserted Sanchu in its place. "This guy attacked us, claiming that my sword was rightfully his.  Frankly, I received my sword from the dying hand of its true master, and if it had been stolen, Koshi would have been bound by honor to tell me so.  He lied, and paid the price of lying with his life.  End of story."  The knight of Helm regarded the corpse calmly, and nodded his head. "The street sweepers will dispose of the body, and I consider the matter closed, especially since I know your party has been charged by the High Watcher Olsig on a matter of grave import.  Good day, my lady." the guard said.  

 

"Koshi was the true master of Celestial Fury," Hellocthul explained to Nalia, "A katana is the soul of a Kensai, and may be aquired by a kensai only by right of inheritance, or as spoils on a field of battle.  Now if Koshi had stolen the blade as Kurosian claimed, he would have charged me when he was dying to return the blade to its true owner.  No matter what crimes a kensai may commit, he would never besmirch his soul in that fashion.  Even if he did steal the blade, as Kurosian claimed, he was recovering what rightfully belonged to him.  In fact, it would not surprise me if that is the reason Koshi left his homelands, because he recovered Celestial Fury from a powerful and wealthy enemy."

 

"There is an elaborate code of conduct for a Kensai.  Did your masters teach you all this?" Nalia asked.

 

"Yes, I was taught in the elven codes, which are slightly different, but my master Alianna of Evermeet made sure I was taught the full Kuran Tur codes as well.  She bore a moonblade, and she told me that some day, if I discovered who my mother's family was, that I had the swordsmanship skills necessary for the trials.  The other tests, the spiritual trials were another matter." Hellocthul replied.

 

"Ah, yes, the elven tradition.  Tell me, my young swordswoman, what are the other trials for a moonblade?" Yoshimo was listening intently while Hellocthul was talking to Nalia.

 

"Nobody really knows. Alianna never spoke of them, saying that the trials tested the martial skills, and the spirit and soul of an elf, and in fact she implied the moonblade itself tested the potential wielder.  And no elf who has been tested ever speaks of it again." Hellocthul replied. "Honey, where is this entrance to the sewers the High Watcher Olsig spoke of?"

[Userunfriendly]

Nalia leads the party to the sewers under the temple district.  The entrance was near the compound of the former Slaver Lords.

 

"Honey, wait up a minute. Here, hold still." Hellocthul carefully pulls on the hem adjusting cords sewn into the bottom of Nalia's mage robes, and closed them off.  Now the skirt of Nalia's mage robes were shut, making walking a little difficult, but Hellocthul tied them with an unusual slip knot, so if Nalia stretched her legs, they would undo themselves, restoring her full mobility.

 

"Love? Why are you closing the bottom of my skirt? And what is that unusual knot?" Nalia asked.

 

"If we need to run, these knots will pull open, so don't worry.  Hon, we are going down into the sewers, so...there are rats down there.  They like to run up the skirts of mage robes." Hellocthul said, with a grimace of distaste.

 

"EEEKKK!!  Run up my skirt?!!  Adventuring sure isn't what I thought it was going to be. Brrr...." Nalia looked disgusted.

 

"I know.  For example, why are mysterious hidden religious cults always down in the sewer?  Why not a sea side resort, or a nice mountain villa?  Did you memorize a lot of sleep spells like I asked you to, last night? Good!  If we encounter a lot of rats, we can use a fireball spell to get rid of them, but if its too close to us, cast a sleep spell at them.  Most of the time, all the rats near us will fall asleep, and drown in the water. Immy discovered that trick in the sewers under Baldur's Gate.  Jan, do you have enough infravision spells for Nalia, Yoshimo and Minsc?  Oh yes, Minsc has the helm of infravision, so just Nally and Yoshimo.  Stoneskin, everyone." Hellocthul said.

 

The party finished its preparations, and descended into the sewers.  They ran into trouble almost immediately, a band of outlaws making the sewers their headquarters.  They made the mistake of demanding tribute from the party.  By now, the 3 mages did not even have to speak.  Hellocthul and Jan tossed in web spells, and Nalia followed up with her wand of cloudkill.  After looting the bodies they went on.  They encountered an insane rakasha and its goblin followers.  Minsc chopped him up to bits after a flasher bruiser mate from Jan's crossbow stunned it.  

 

It had on a very unusual cloak, that enhanced the dodging ability of the wearer by a small amount, but also the ability to change into some fairly unusual shapes. Jaheira took the cloak.

 

Further up ahead, they discovered a pair of secret doors.  One door had a musky, unusual scent to it, and proved to be an unpickable enchanted lock.  Behind the other door, at the top of the stair case, they encountered some mephits, and a small group of Yuan ti.  A fireball spell roasted them. The rooms contained a large number of scrolls and magical items.

 

At the end of a windy passageway, they encountered the Necromancer, Meketh. He started blustering, and waving his arms about, talking about his captive and raving something about the "infinite planes" and "young conduits".  When he started waving his cloudkill wand around, though, a volley of firearrows burned through his stoneskin and killed him.  A quick search of the body revealed some wands, including another wand of cloudkill, which Hellocthul gave to Jan, and a powerful rod of ressurection, which Viconia got.  Hellocthul pulled a peculiar ring off his finger.  

 

"Here, Minsc, wear this.  Its a ring of stoneskin, and simply wearing it will double your protection in combat." She tossed the ring to Minsc.

 

As the party was leaving Meketh's quarters, a tiefling bard appeared in front of them.

 

"Hello my ravens, may this bird of passage seek refuge behind your swords?  I am Haer'dalis, and I have been imprisoned by yon foul necromancer for many a day now." Haer'dalis said.

 

"Then you are the captive Meketh spoke of?  And you are not the paladin we were suppose to meet in the sewers?" Hellocthul asked.

 

"Why no, most fair and lovely of this flock, I confess I am not." Haer Dalis' replied.

 

"Darn, when Meketh spoke of his captive, I thought for sure that he had taken the paladin we were suppose to meet as prisoner.  Well, I guess you can join us, but we are actually going in deeper into the sewers, not for the surface." Hellocthul said.

 

"Aha! A quest, a journey! Surely such a lovely raven as yourself must have weighty deeds and great events surrounding you.  This meek and lowly sparrow will join you, to chronicle your words and to sing songs of your beauty and bravery to later generations." Haer Dalis' replied extravagantly.

 

"Oh great, an annoying bard.  He can't even speak unless its in bad hyperbole." Jaheira muttered.

 

After picking up a small, unusually shaped gem Haer'dalis said was his property, the party advanced once more thru the sewers, until they came upon a single armored figure, fighting off a dozen skeletons.  Minsc and azuredge made short work of them.

 

"Hail and well met.  There be great evil in these sewers, if ye be sent by the temple to aid me, be welcome.  If not, pass by, and preserve your own lives." Keldorn intoned.

 

"What is it with those silly daft knightly types?  Does the weight of all that armor pull the juice out of their brains?  Or perhapse it is the fumes of the armor polish?  Oh yes, Hellocthul had mentioned that many of them start out as novitiates of Illmather, and given the generally howling idiotcy of priests of that insipid and boring god, it does make sense." Viconia said.

 

"A filthy drow!  A drow in your group! A vile thing!  Who be ye, speak quickly or prepare to die!"  Keldorn replied in anger.  

 

"We have been sent by the temple of Helm to investigate the cult of the eyeless ones.  You are the paladin?  You are Sir Keldorn?" Hellocthul moved to interpose herself between Viconia and Keldorn, her own swords drawn but the points dropped.

 

"Yes, I am Keldorn.  You have been sent to aid me? I would aid you, by joining your group, but I demand first that you send away or slay that foul creature, the venomous snake in your midst." Keldorn said.

 

"No.  I have known Viconia for many years, Keldorn, and while I appreciate your offer of joining us, Viconia stays.  Now will you join us or not?" Hellocthul replied.

 

"Since my mission takes paramount importance over all other considerations, I shall join you. But be warned, foul creature of the underdark, I shall be on guard against your certain treachery." Keldorn said.

 

"Viconia has been with me for some years now, and I trust her with my life, Keldorn.  I have just met you, Keldorn.  YOU are on probation, and if you attack Viconia, you will regret it. Now, lets go." Hellocthul replied.

 

Viconia looked on Hellocthul with gratitude in her eyes, quickly hidden lest any member of the party noticed.  The party moved down further into the sewers, encountering a trapped room which summoned ettercaps when entered.  They quickly disposed of them, and Viconia and Jaheira quickly healed Minsc and Jan of their poisoned bites.  Further on, they disposed of some wraiths, Viconia's false dawn spell blasting them instantly into dust.  They encountered the blind priest Gaal, and Hellocthul accepted the quest to retrieve half of the great device from the lower depths.

 

"You know abbil that the treacherous jaluk will try to kill us as soon as we have retrieved the rod?  And that the lower depths are likely to be a deathtrap?" Viconia said.

 

"Of course. But playing along gives us a chance to pass through the territory of the cult without being attacked at every step, and it sounds like the great device is the best way to kill this so called "god" of theirs.  A blind beholder?  Do you know of any lore concerning a blind beholder?" Hellocthul asked.

 

"No, abbil, I do not.  And that worries me.  What kind of powers can a blind beholder have?  A normal beholder's powers and weapons are its eyes.  It might have somehow sacrificed its eyes to gain terrible powers, and that possibility is the most troubling of all." Viconia replied.

 

The party met Sassar, and gained more insight into the nature of their enemy.  In return for great powers of magic, the Unseeing eye sacrificed its eyes to the Demon Lords of the Abyss. The party knew they were facing a sorceror, probably more powerful than even Hellocthul.  The party headed down.  They encountered shades and spiders, all falling to their weapons. Keldorn proved most capable with his two handed greatsword.  They came before a bridge, its center span broken, above a great chasm in the earth.

 

After casting a farsight spell, a rather nasty and satisfied smile appeared in Hellocthul's face.  "We got 6 beholders and 3 gauths across the chasm, all of them primed and ready for us.  Looks like we've entered the deathtrap Ghaal arranged for us. " She actually laughed out loud.

 

"Honey, that sounds bad.  Why are you laughing?  Can we even take that many beholders and gauths in a straight fight, much less crossing one at a time over this bridge?" Nalia asked.

 

"Sweetie, a beholder cannot fly, it hovers over a solid surface.  So they cannot fly over the chasm.  Now the rest of you back tword the passage we just came out of. Jae and I will walk on the bridge, as near to the edge as we can manage, and we will both hide behind the shield of balduran. Then I can  fire cloudkills blindly over the chasm.  The beholders will not be able to cross over to attack us! Jan, your wand, please." Jan handed over his wand of cloudkill to Hellocthul.  The rest of the party moved back from the bridge.

 

The attack proved successful.  Hiding behind the shield of balduran, Hellocthul fired cloudkill charges over the chasm, killing the beholders who were unable to cross over the chasm to attack the party.  The beholders and gauths died without ever seeing their slayers.  The party pressed on, after building a simple rope bridge to cross the chasm.  They entered the fogotten temple of Amunator, slaying the guardian with a simple healing spell, since Hellocthul noticed its magic aura resembled a Death Knight's negative life field.  The forgotten god gave them half the rod, with an injunction to bring the rod back after slaying the Unseeing eye.

 

The party quickly retraced their steps, returning to Sassar who gave them further help, a contact named Tad, still pretending to serve the cult.  Hopefully, he knew of a way to reach the lair of the Unseeing Eye.  Tad did know of a way, a way fraught with danger.  The party moved down the dark steps into the pit of the unfaithful.  At the bottom, they encountered ghouls and zombies, who easily fell before the combined might of Lilacor, Celestial Fury, and Hallowed Redeemer.  Inside Zombie Town, the party faced more ghouls, zombies and a lich, who fell before Hellocthul's powerful adept level spells.  Its undead body finally faced the funeral pyre it cheated centuries ago, as it burned inside the fiery vapors of an incindiary cloud.  Its undead tongue seared into ash, it was unable to cast spells to preserve itself, and finally it crumbled into dust.  Minsc received the powerful gauntlets of dexterity, hidden in the rubble of chewed over bones.  The party continued on, knowing that their path was committed.  

 

Inside the lair of the Unseeing Eye, Nalia cast an area effect invisibility spell.  They carefully and quietly snuck past the hordes of beholders and blind priests, knowing if they fought them, the alarm would be given, and they would face the Unseeing Eye before getting the Great Device.  They searched the chambers in the lair, finally finding the other half of the device.  The party made ready, and Hellocthul assembled the great device.

 

The massive surge of magical power screamed at the magical senses of the mages in the party.  As the pieces snapped into completion, the Unseeing Eye d-jumped in front of the party, looking really pissed.

 

"YOU DARE TO ATTACK A GOD!!! I SHALL FLAY YOU ALIVE, AND MY PRIESTS SHALL PARTAKE OF YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD!" The vast voice roared into their minds.

 

Hellocthul aimed the device at the huge beholder, right at the great gaping pit where its central eye used to be.  As she triggered the Great Device, the beholder opened its mouth, and screamed. Everyone fell to their knees as the Wail of the Banshee assaulted their ears.  The DeathWards Viconia and Jaheira cast on the party protected them from the necromantic effects of the scream, but Hellocthul was knocked to the ground by the power of the scream.  The brilliant bolt of light that came out of the device missed the Unseeing Eye, tearing a hole through the wall, blasting through dozens of yards of solid rock.  The device turned cold to the touch, its single powerful charge expended.

 

"Chuuuuuu!!!" Hellocthul could feel the immense powers of the Unseeing Eye, and knew that in a straight sorceror's duel, she might not win, and even if she does, most of the party would be dead from collateral damage.

 

Hello Cthulhu appeared, and she waved her paws, and said "Twister! Chubby Checkers!"

 

A large white sheet filled with green, red, yellow and blue dots appeared under the Unseeing Eye, and a most unusual person appeared.  He wore green and purple checked jacket, and a blue and pink polka dotted pants.  He started singing.

 

"Twist it, come on, come on, come on baby! Do the mashed potato, do the funky chicken, do it all night long!" He sang, as loud raucous music came out of nowhere.  Hello Cthulhu held a white dial with a pointer mounted on it.  She flicked the pointer, and it landed on one of the colored markings written on the rim.

 

"Left eyestalk on green!" Hello Cthulhu commanded in a piping, squeeking voice.  Under some aweful compulsion, the Unseeing eye stretched out one of its left eyestalks, to the fullest extension, and touched a green circle.  It also began to bounce to the beat of the song of the summoned singer from another plane of existance.  

 

"Right eyestalk on blue!" "Right eyestalk on yellow!" "Left eyestalk on blue!" As Hello Cthulhu continued her calls, all of the eyestalks of the beholder were stretched out to their fullest extent, and each touched some colored dot on the sheet.  Soon, the Unseeing Eye was forced to move eyestalks from one colored dot to another. Within a few calls, all of its eyestalks were hopelessly tangled with each other, and Hello Cthulhu issued its final instruction.

 

"Left eyestalk on red!" The beholder moved one tangled eyestalk from a green circle, and tried to move it to a red circle.  With a hideous popping sound, it pulled off its own eyestalk, and due to its bouncing to the beat of the music and singing of Chubby Checkers, it pulled off most of its eyeball stalks.  It sank to the floor of the chamber, frothing at the mouth, bleeding green blood from the ripped eyestalks.  It twitched once, and died.

 

Nalia fed Hello Cthulhu a cookie, and Hellocthul looked in disgust at the huge corpse.  

 

The party moved out, and found that all of the beholders inhabiting the lair dead, their eyestalks pulled out by the roots.  Even the blind priests were locked into various grotesque poses, their legs and arms tangled up with their fellows, bound by compulsion to continue touching the colored dots.  A few fireball spells soon rid them of their lives.  

 

They looted all the chambers in the lair, retrieving powerful scrolls, and not a few weapons of unusual virtue.  Hellocthul saw Nalia tuck one of the unstained sheets of colored dots littering the floor of the lair,  into her backpack, along with a dial pointer. She had a saucy grin on her face.  The party moved up the stairs, and encountered a happy and grateful Sassar who thanked them for the destruction of the cult.  But the greatest thanks was at the temple of Amunator.

 

After they returned the rift device to the forgotten god, they left the lost temple.  One of the diseased ones ran to them, a small child no more than 8 years old. Her disease ravaged features bore tears of joy, as she stopped just beyond the reach of Nalia's open arms.  

 

"I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for releasing me from the chains of immortality.  Now I can finally forget the agony of the ages, of countless lifetimes in a rotting body, denied the release of death.  I can return to the great wheel of existance, and if I choose rebirth, I will be relieved of the horror of memory. I can finally forget. I thank you." Her tiny form crumbled away into dust, but the last smile hung in the air like a ghost, full of love and gratitude.

 

The party killed all the rest of the cult priests, Gaal screaming and wailing that the Unseeing Eye was not dead, as Keldorn's sword clove him in two.  The High Watcher was most grateful for the report of the cult's demise, and was generous in rewarding the party.  The party headed back to the Inn of the Seven Vales for a good night's rest.

 

Hellocthul and Nalia shut the door of the room they shared.  After a large and plentiful meal, the party dispersed into their rooms for rest and sleep, after Hellocthul arranged for an extra room for Keldorn and Haer Dalis'.  

 

Nalia grabbed Hellocthul and gave her a kiss full of promise and passion.  Hellocthul kissed her back.

 

"Hey lover, wanna play a game?" Nalia grinned, her eyes sparkling with mirth.  She pulled out one of the sheets full of colored dots, and a spinner dial.  They both quickly undressed.

 

"Left leg green!" "Right hand blue!" "Oh my, I can't reach that one!" Giggles filled the room.

 

"Hellocthul, what are...oh dear!" Jan quickly ran out of the room, his pants scorched by the magic missiles.  He ran into Haer Dalis' in the hallway.

 

"What is happening, my little friend?" Haer Dalis' asked.

 

"Well, it seems that neither Hellocthul or Nalia were in any state to be disturbed.  Is Jaheira or Viconia still up? I need a heal spell rather badly." replied Jan. He quickly headed for the other room shared by Jaheira and Viconia, limping.

 

Haer Dalis' smiled. He had tried flirting all day with the very lovely Hellocthul, but Nalia's dirty looks had crimped his style.  "In no state to be disturbed? I wonder..." His curiosity would be the death of him someday, but for the chance to see Hellocthul naked, he was willing to take a chance.  He bent near the keyhole of Hellocthul and Nalia's room.

 

Hellocthul, wrapped in a sheet, yanked the door open.  Nalia's hands were already moving in the motions of a spell, as the startled Haer Dalis' froze like a deer in bright light.  

 

"ZAP!"

 

"You forgot just how sensative elven ears are, Haer Dalis'. We don't appreciate peeping toms." Said Hellocthul to the black raven standing in the corridor.  "Are you going to do that again?"

 

"Nevermore! Cawk!" replied the raven.

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The next morning, Haer Dalis' was uncharacteristically silent as he joined the party at the breakfast table.  He also picked at his breakfast, instead of digging in like he usually did.  

 

"What's the matter, Haer?  Did you eat a lot last night?" Nalia couldn't help giggling at the end of that statement.

 

Haer gave Nalia a black look. "Why yes, I uh,...ate out last night. It was quite good, very filling."  Haer Dalis' replied.  

 

"Psst...honey, what do crows eat?" Nalia whispered to Hellocthul.

 

"Snails, slugs and beetles, I think." Hellocthul replied back, trying to keep her face straight.

 

"So, what is the plan today?" Jaheira asked.

 

"Well, we should dispose of some of the loot from the Cult.  Then we should look in on that offer from the shadow thieves.  It sounds like it will pay well, we should hit twenty thousand with 2, at most 3 jobs. And yes, Haer, I know you need to visit your troupe, but we need to pounce on the high paying jobs now, while the offers still stand.  We will head over there in a few days, a week at...." Hellocthul was interrupted by a young human boy, who walked up to their breakfast table and did an imitation of standing at attention.  His high piping voice ruined the effect.

 

"Are you Hellocthul?" seeing her nod, he continued. "Hendak, the new pro-porp-ritor-eter of the Copper Coronet would like to invite you and your friends to the good-bye party  today at noon for the children you rescued from the slavers." The boy bowed, and catching the silver piece Hellocthul tossed him with a grin, spun around on his heels, and walked out smartly, well pleased with himself.

 

"Ok, lets go!" Hellocthul said.  The party took care of their business, and their pockets were heavier, and their packs lighter as the noon hour approached.  Hellocthul and Nalia bought several toys and candies for the children.

 

The party headed over to the Copper Coronet.  The inn and tavern was closed for the day, the "CLOSED" sign hanging out front, and the windows shuttered. However the maid standing outside the main entrance waved them over, and opened the main door.  Inside they found Hendak had closed the inn to hold a special and private party to say goodbye to the three children who would be sailing with the evening tide aboard the merchant ship Hendak had chartered. Trixy, Ari and Shauna had practically been adopted by the former slaves now running the tavern.  Their happy shouts and laughter helped brighten their days, as they worked hard to make the new Copper Coronet a great success, so that someday soon, they could rejoin their own families in their own homes, or bring them here to make new ones.  Trixy, Ari and Shauna ran to Nalia, screaming her name and their arms open wide.

 

"Nally!  Nally!  Nally!"  The three kids swarmed her, and they started playing with the toys and eating candies Nalia had bought, the happy laughter filling the dark and smoky walls of the inn. Hellocthul checked with Hendak about the arrangements, finding out the merchant captain Hendak had hired had one of the finest reputations in the city, fully justifying the 200 gold Hellocthul had given Hendak to arrange for the passage.  The party turned out to be a great success, even Keldorn and Viconia enjoying themselves, forgetting their constant state of armed truce.

 

The hit of the party was when Hellocthul turned into Hello Cthulhu, and made the stuffed bear, penguin and kitty dance around the gleefully shrieking children.  The children would carry with them the sight of the little brown and white spotted stuffed bear, singing

 

"When the teddy bears have a picnic!"

 

while Hello Cthulhu, Nalia and the stuffed penguin in a formal tuxedo, and the cream colored stuffed kitty did a ring dance around the children.  Their eyes were as wide as saucers as Hello Cthulhu used her powers to animate the toys Nalia had picked out for them.  They even forgot completely about the baskets of treats Jaheira had found for their trip (Jaheira, as it might be expected, chose only nutricious and healthy treats for the children, and their looks of dismay were touching).  Finally, with a shimmering rainbow sparkle that filled the entire inn, Hello Cthulhu, Nalia, the kitty and the very dignified penguin began to float, dancing in the air above the children's heads.  A great time was had by all, even the former slaves and Hendak wearing expressions of wonder and merriment as Hello Cthulhu used her magic to give the children a memory they could treasure for a lifetime.

 

As the party was about to wind down, a loud disturbance bought Hellocthul to her feet, and she ran to the front entrance. The maid guarding the front door was shaking with fear, as a nobleman tried to force his way past her.  

 

"I am Lord Jierden Firkraag.  I have reason to believe that an Adventurer named Hellocthul is in here.  Now stand aside, you filthy slattern, and let me pass!!!" A richly dressed nobleman stood in front of the entrance.

 

"I am Hellocthul, state your buisness."  Hellocthul kept her tone civil somehow.

 

"Ah yes, I wish to hire you to exterminate some monsters in my realm..." Lord Firkraag described the situation, and the reward.  Hellocthul knew immediately there was something wrong.  No one would be willing to shell out over 10000 gold for some simple orc hunting, just how stupid did this asshole of a nobleman think she was anyway???   Hellocthul accepted the commission, and  walked back to the party.

 

"Beloved, why did you accept the commission if you knew something was wrong?" Nalia asked.

 

"The thing about traps is that if you dodge an obvious trap, that leaves your enemy free to ambush you somewhere and sometime else.  For some reason this "Firkaag" is trying to ensnare me into his schemes, or simply wants me dead.  If we turn down his commission now, he will try again later, and we might not be able to detect the trap in time.  Better to spring the trap at a place and time of our own choosing. Honey, if we left tomorrow morning, when can we expect to get to the Windspear Hills?" The party left, after wishing the children a safe voyage, and many hugs and kisses.  They headed for the stables to pick up mounts, and assemble packs, and do all the hundred and one tasks necessary for adventuring in the wilderness.

 

The next morning, bright and early, the party left for the Windspear Hills.  They arrived at the outskirts of Lord Firkraag's lands by the late afternoon of the third day.  They encountered a bunch of monsters immediately.

 

"Your foul deeds shall not go unpunished! Fall before the might of the Order!" roared the Ogre.

 

"Hold! You are too articulate for a bunch of monsters! Hellocthul, there is something going on here!" Keldorn's battle trained voice halted the impending violence for a few moments, and this gave Hellocthul time enough to cast a powerful dispel magic.  The "monsters" forms shimmered, and revealed a group of junior knights of the Order of the Radiant Heart.  It also broke the charm spell that had been cast on them.

 

"Sir Ajantis! Explain yourself, what is the meaning of this!"  Sir Keldorn demanded.

 

"Lord Keldorn! What are you doing here?  We were asked by Lord Firkraag for assistance in clearing out these lands of the roving bands of orcs and goblins.  He told us that a particularly vile and evil band would be entering his lands here.  The next thing I remember is seeing a band of wyverns and ogres in front of me, then the illusion must have been dispelled." Adjantis replied.

 

"So, the plan must have been to have us kill the knights of the Order under illusion, and then Firkraag would have denounced us to the order.  We could not have survived the full might of the Order arrayed for vengence.  Cunning, yet what was the point?"  Sir Keldorn mused.

 

"Sir Ajantis! This situation is far graver than you were led to believe.  Lord Firkraag is both cunning and powerful in magic.  You and your companions are not yet powerful enough in divine magics to protect yourselves.  I order you to return forthwith to Athlanka, and make a full report to the Order.  Hellocthul and I will stay here to observe and try to divine out his plans. Return with the full might of the Order, and we shall crush this fiend who attempted to turn friend against friend and stain our honor."  Sir Adjantis and his companions stood at attention, clicked their heels, and left.

 

"So, it seems that you had somehow escaped the blithering stupidity and howling lunacy that seems to be a prerequisite for joining the so called noble orders. That little speech showes that you use your head for something other than a helm rack." Viconia said.

 

"What, a complement from you, Viconia?  I assure you that my fellows in the Order are tolerably versed in law, jurisprudence, military tactics, and the gentler arts of the nobility.  We even have a library, and my fellow knights are even known to read for pleasure. Have you seen a member of the order display lack of wit or judgement?" Keldorn asked.

 

"Well, I did have a most unfortunate encounter with a "Sir" Bombast.  He exemplified the virtues of a paladin, strength, a loud voice, and somewhat less brains than a rutabaga.  He was about to burn me for a witch when Hellocthul intervened." Viconia replied.

 

"Sir Bombast.  Oh yes, I fear that our order does indeed have a few knights who...are less gifted than others.  He used to be well known in the jousting circuit, and I fear he has landed on his head more than once. He usually patrols these orc infested hills, outside of the city, and we usually send with him a squire, one with enough sense to keep him out of trouble.  Alas, Sancho had to return home for personal buisness after his last escapade, when Sir Bombast attacked a windmill in the mistaken belief it was a giant.  He was liberally pelted with...ahem animal byproducts by the gnomish family who inhabited the windmill.  I had hoped that the task of cleaning and polishing his armor would keep him out of trouble long enough for Sancho to conclude his personal buisness, but obviously it was not.  Poor Bombast, he actually is a pleasant fellow, quite happy if he is given some armor polish and rags.  Fortunately, his normal sector is south of the city, so we are unlikely to run into him.  Hellocthul, I think we should...." Keldorn was interrupted by the appearance of a man, dressed in the faded finery typical of a hill squire.

 

"Hello there.  Travellers to my fair lands?  And a most unusual party, a drow and a Knight of the Order as companions?  How may I help you?" said Lord Gerren Windspear.

 

After explaining what happened with the knights, and their purpose in the hills, now changed to finding out more about Firkraag, Lord Gerren offered them the hospitality of his home.  He explained that Firkraag had stolen his lands away from him, using a combination of terror tactics, forcing the tenants to flee or die, and bribery to keep the government from taking action once the complaints became widespread and general.  He explained that FIrkraag dared not move against him personally, since the death of a noble was automatically investigated by the Order.

 

The party decided to rest that night with Lord Gerren, while the next day he would contact the few loyal huntsmen and wardens who still stayed in his lands, to gather intelligence about Firkraag's activities.  He and his daughter Lanora made them welcome, especially once Hellocthul explained their purpose, to spy out Firkraag's plans and assist the Order in arresting Firkraag. The next day, Lord Gerren set off to talk to his spys.  The party stayed behind to protect Lanora. The party failed in this task, and Hellocthul was literally shaking with anger as Lord Gerren returned.  Hellocthul pledged to Lord Gerren that they would rescue Lanora no matter the risk.

 

As they set off, Jaheira tried to keep Hellocthul from blaming herself.

 

"Once that mageling cast a locator spell at Lanora, there was no way we could have prevented Firkraag from taking her by means of his arts.  We could have done nothing to prevent her abduction." Jaheira said.

 

"I know...but another innocent taken under my protection!!! He will pay, and with ruinous interest!"  Hellocthul swore.

 

"What is especially interesting was the presence of orcs and ogres among that group of bandits. I now believe that the monsters raiding these lands must be controlled by Firkraag himself.  Yet for what purpose did he try to hire us?  If he controls the monsters he hired us to hunt, his ultimate purpose must be to lure us into his lair.  Another death trap." sighed Jaheira.

 

The party reached the Dryad Grove where they were met by the Fairy Queen.

 

"Sister! Oh sister of our blood!  Welcome sister, and be at peace!" The Fairy Queen was a dryad, with long, pale green hair, and emerald eyes, and she gave Hellocthul the kiss of friendship and kindred.  Her kiss awoke strange feelings in Hellocthul, a yearning for the peace of the grove, of the gentle giants that towered over her, the feel of years slipping by unnoticed and unheeded, and the slow, ceaseless progression of the seasons.  She felt at peace here, wanted and loved, and it was so easy, so easy to cast off her responsibilities and sink her feet, deep into the welcoming rich loam.  She could feel the trees calling out to her, full of love and longing.  She felt her face lose the cares and petty concerns that govern mortals, and her mind began to still, the voiceless song of the trees filling her mind. Then she felt Nalia slip her warm, human fingers into her hand, and she remembered her life with a rush of blood and emotion.  She kissed the Fairy Queen in return, and holding on tight to Nalia's hand, she became herself again.

 

"I thank you, my queen, but I have things I must complete before I can tarry here. First, I come bearing the acorns of your sisters, who were cruely imprisoned by Irenicus." The Fairy Queen accepted the golden acorns with a glad cry, and pledged to restore them to their trees.  Hellocthul then asked about Firkraag. The queen's face darkened at mention of his name, and gave them what information she could.  Firkraag was not natural, and his aura was dark indeed, full of bloodlust and ancient evil.  She warned Hellocthul about the ruins to the north, where Firkraag made his lair, and full of concern and worry, she hugged Hellocthul goodbye.

 

As the party made its way north, Nalia was worried.

 

"Darling, your face was so still and peaceful, but so far away from me, I got frightened. Are..are you ok?" Nalia asked.

 

"It was my dryad heritage, I felt the trees calling for me, to shed my responsibilities and worries and enter the grove.  I was...tempted to forget everything and become a dryad, to let my cares slip through my fingers.  You brought me back, you reminded me that my life with you is important and that love is worth it.  I never expected my dryad heritage could call so seductively and with such a siren's song." there was sadness in her voice and Nalia hugged her tight while they headed north.

 

After they had been walking half a mile or so, encountering small bands of orcs and goblins.  A few fireball spells and arrow volleys proved more than sufficient to take care of them.  Finally, near some ancient ruins among the hills, they found a band of adventurers fighting gnolls.

 

The party fired acid arrows at the gnolls, their shrill yips and howls filling the air.  Finally, the gnolls were driven off.

 

"Well, that was most unpleasant and rude! We were having fun, and now you've made us lose our meal." said the leader of the adventurers.

 

"Your meal?  Just what kind of adventurers are you?  Eating gnolls!  That is truely vile and disgusting!" said Jaheira.

 

"Oooo..I don't think these new munchies are to my taste at all!" said another adventurer.

 

"Like that ever stopped you before.  We have fava beans and chianti, and they will definately be to your taste. Attack!" The "Adventurers" turned into werewolves, bursting out of their armor and clothing.

 

"Chuuuu!!! Energizer Bunnies!" Hello Cthulhu gestured with her paw, and with a flash a dozen shocking pink stuffed bunnies appeared among the werewolves.  Each bunny had dark sunglasses on their heads, and each of them were beating on big bass drums mounted on the front. They all spun around in a circle, and marched in step tword the woods to the west of the werewolves.  The werewolves followed the bunnies, looking dazed and entranced.

 

At this point, Jan caught up with the rest of the gang, as everyone had started running when they had caught sight of the adventurers (seemingly) hard pressed by the gnolls.  Poor Jan with his stumpy short feet was breathless from running.

 

"What's going on??? Where are the Adventurers?" Jan asked, panting.

 

"It turned out they actually were werewolves in disguise." replied Jaheira.

 

"Werewolves?" said Jan.

 

"There, wolves." replied Jaheira with a wicked grin as she pointed to the woods. Jan groaned.

 

"They just keep going, going, going, going, going..." said Nalia, pointing at the pink bunnies.

 

After the bunnies followed by the werewolves went in to the wood, Hello Cthulhu snapped her paws, and said "Bunny Nuke!" and a series of explosions shook the woods, leaves and branches falling off the trees due to the force.  The bunnies had blown up, taking out the werewolves and scattering hairy bits all over the place.  

 

"Gone!" said Nalia with a big grin.

 

As soon as the party walked into the cavern, they were attacked by a mixed force of ogres and orcs.  After a quick attack by Minsc, Keldorn and Hellocthul, the party moved into the rear of the cavern.  The party was attacked by a small group of kobolds.  The kobold at the head stopped right in front of Minsc, turned around, dropped its pants and mooned the party, making rude gestures and sounds.  Minsc kicked the leader in (where else) the butt and sent it flying to its fellows.  It conked the others and blew up!!!   The other kobolds in some deranged fashion also exploded due to sympathetic detonation. The Rakasha who was in charge could be heard swearing.  After disposing of the Rakasha, and looting a ring of fire resistance, the party stopped to take a breather.

 

"Hellocthul, I've seen the Blood Wars at its most insane orgy of destruction.  I've lived in  Sigil, the hub of the multiverse with sights that would drive most sophants insane in seconds, but I confess I have never ever seen anything quite like that!" said Haer Dalis'.

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"Ok, people, lets move!" The party prepared to move into the inner caverns of Firkraag's lair that stood before them.  As they walked into the inner rooms, a hail of flame arrows met them, coming from hidden firing points built into the walls.  Viconia took point, her shield of reflection reflecting the arrows back at the archers, hurting most of them.  A cloudkill from Jan's and Nalia's wands took care of the rest.

 

The next room was full of orcs.  A quick volley and rush by Hellocthul, Keldorn and Jaheira took care of them.  Hellocthul stopped the party to have Nalia cast a farsight spell.

 

"Ok, we got about 4 golems here, 3 stone and one iron golem. Brrrr...nasty things, golems. Just about immune to magic, and can only be killed with enchanted weapons." Nalia said.

 

"Hon, are they just standing still or moving around?" Hellocthul asked.

 

"They are moving around, pacing up and down the length of the corridor." Nalia replied.

 

"Ok, we got golems on non-discrimination guard duty.  Good, time for a little surprise.  You mentioned the next room north of the golems is full of orcs, right?" Nalia nodds. "So, everyone, back up to the last room, while I use mislead to open the door between the two groups, and sting the orcs.  The orcs should run out, and meet the golems.  Be right back." Hellocthul shimmered out of sight, while the mislead clone appeared.  Nalia grabbed the hand of the mislead clone, to prevent it from shadowing the invisible Hellocthul, and the rest of the party retreated back to the previous room.

 

"Lady Nalia, what is non-discrimination guard duty?" Keldorn whispered, and the rest of the party, who were not mages, pressed in close to listen.

 

"Well, Hellocthul knows much more about this than I do, but do you know the 3 laws of Golematics?" Keldorn shook his head. " A golem must not hurt or kill its master. A golem may not allow its master to be killed or hurt, or through inaction allow its master to be hurt or killed. A golem must obey any order of its master, except when it contradicts laws 1 and 2.  Now a golem is pretty stupid, it has trouble distinguishing from friend or foe, so typically, most mages who use golems for guard duty puts the golem in a room, with instructions to kill anything that comes into the room.  Only the master can enter the room, due to law 1, so it makes perfect sense.  In this case, the orcs in the next room are not the masters of the golem, so the golem will attack them if it sees them.  And that's what Hellocthul will do, she will open the connecting doors, and either use a spell or her swords to kill one of the orcs, they will rush out, and the golems will chew them up.  And in the process take enough damage to be easily killed by us.  She is so smart!  And so pretty, and so cute, and so..." Nalia whispered.

 

"It seems most unusual that a sorceress, who simply taps into her own magic without the need to memorize spells would know so much about magic." interrupted Keldorn in a whisper.

 

"Well, Hellocthul spent most of her childhood in Candlekeep, the fortress of learning.  Except for her weapons training, and getting into all kinds of mischief and devilment with Imoen, she has had years of study.  Also, from what she tells me, because a sorceress has less spells available to cast than a mage, she has to understand magic so much better than a mage, to make less spells do more." Jaheira whispered back.

 

"I see, her abilities and spells are amazing indeed. Just how is a golem made, Lady Nalia?" Keldorn asked.

 

"Well, I've read about the process once, let me see if I remember it.  The physical components are the hardest part.  Mimic blood, demon heart, and wires and joints made of costly precious metals are the part that are hardest to assemble.  Then the outer skin is applied, adamantium golems being the hardest to make, clay or flesh the easiest.  Once that is done, and the golem infused with magical energy, this is the most dangerous stage, the creator must slip under its tongue a specially prepared scroll, with the true name of the goddess of magic written on it.  The name, 'supercalifrajulisticexpialidotious" must be written correctly in high netheril, a language that is very difficult to learn.  The more powerful the golem, the higher the arcane dialect that must be used.  The scroll acts like the golem's brain, and binds the golem to the writer of the scroll. And if the creator is not fast enough, the golem may simply go berserk, and attack the maker.  This is how most golem makers are killed." Nalia whispered.  

 

"All clear!" the party jumped as Hellocthul's voice came from the thin air.

 

The party moved into the next room, and then turned to the eastern room, where they met a most unusual troll.

 

"You there, what you want?  Me really really busy now, preparing ingredients for next Troll Mound Iron Chef's Competition.  Woe is me, me low on elk urine!  If Chair-Troll Kaga chooses halfling or kobold as theme, how me going to cook halfling fricasse or kobold wellington without elk urine!!! Hey, you got dryad!  Me can do great things with dryad steak and roast.  You put head down here on chopping block, and me win next Iron Chef for sure!!!" said the troll cook.

 

After disposing of the troll cook, and the group of disappointed ogre diners in the next room, the party moved north.  Hellocthul casted farsight.  

 

"Ok, we got some undead here, lets see if we can get some information on where Lanora might be kept. Jan, cast invisibility on me, and I'll try to overhear their conversation." Hellocthul said.

 

"Let me try. I really want to try out the Staff of the Magi, honey." Nalia pointed to the long staff slung over her shoulder with leather straps.

 

"Ok, hon, there are Vampires in the next room, don't let Minsc know or he will go crazy and attack them solo." said Hellocthul in a low voice to Nalia.

 

Nalia nodded, and slipped  her Tulgan bow into the case attached to her belt.  She unslung the Staff of Magi off her back, and disappeared. She carefully and quietly walked through the door Hellocthul opened for her.

 

"Tabitha, where is my bottle of Simply White Fangs? I got a date with a ghoul tomorrow..." "Take a look, Carol, see what I got in the Home Shopping Network on the crystal ball. New gold plated handles for my coffin!  Don't they look just divine!  They even got mother of pearl inlay!" "Hey, Jane, you got a mirror?  I want to check my eyeliner." "Wendy, you're a vampire! You can't use a mirror!" "Oh poop. I forgot."  "Hey, anyone want some pizza?  The troll cook in the kitchen has a wonderful garlic and blood sausage she just put on the menu!" "Michelle, you're a vampire! You can't eat garlic!" "Oh yeah, that's right..." "Wendy and Michelle, once an airhead cheerleader, always an airhead cheerleader, even when they're undead."  "OOOOO!!! Look! The Temple of Ogma is having a special on breast augmentation sorcery!  Only 500 gold!" "Wendy! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! You can't go to a temple!"  "Oh, shit! That really blows. I want bigger... "  Nalia shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and tip-toes back to the party.

 

"A bunch of really goofy and idiotic undead up east.  No information. I swear, those vampire bimbos are amazingly stupid...oh crap!" Nalia realized her error, as Minsc's face turns red with rage.

 

"Vic! Neg Plane Protect on Minsc!" Hellocthul says as she draws her swords, and casts improved haste on herself.  Viconia manages to cast negative plane protection on Minsc just before he left her spellcasting range.  Hellocthul follows him, with Keldorn right behind her.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All BLOODSUCKING FIENDS MUST DIE! EVIL VAMPIRE SCUM MUST TASTE THE BLADE OF MINSC! IN BOO'S NAME I WILL CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS AND SPIT DOWN THEIR NECKS! DIE! DIE! DIE!" roared Minsc as he charged into the eastern room with Lilacor held high over his head. Lilacor is heard complaining sleepily about an interrupted dream involving 3 rapiers and a bottle of armor polish.

 

After the screaming and assorted crashes are over, Jaheira leads the rest of the party to the eastern room where the walls are completely splashed with vampire blood, and mummy dust.  Hellocthul has Minsc in a hug, and patting his shoulders. Minsc was pale and shaking after the Berserker rage he just experienced.

 

"Its ok, Minsc, you did very very well.  Boo is most proud of you.  You have kicked evil's butt from here to Beregost, and those you have not kicked are chopped up so finely they no longer have butts to kick. Good Minsc, your little witchy is proud of you too." Hellocthul said.  Viconia and Jaheira tends to Minsc's minor wounds.  

 

"Sorry hon..." said Nalia.

 

"Its ok, hon.  He wasn't hurt, and that's the important thing." said Hellocthul.

 

The party finishes its sweep of the undead area, Viconia's false dawn blasting or blinding the shades in the next room.  They recover a strange key in the rubble.  The party then heads east, and encounter Samia and her party.

 

"Well hello there, fancy meeting you here.  Are you here for the treasure?" asked Samia.

 

Hellocthul's flat denial of their request to help them with their looting expedition triggers a violent rage within Samia.  Samia's party draws their weapons, and Hellocthul keys the rune of Chain Contingency in her mind, sending a triple chain lightning bolt among them.  The bolt of magically "smart" energy rips through Samia's party, paralysing or killing most of them instantly. The rest fall to Haer Dalis', Nalia, Jan, and Yoshimo's arrows and bolts, as the fighters at the front kneel down at Hellocthul's signal to let the archers fire over their heads. The party continues north.

 

In one of the alcoves in the rooms north, Hellocthul encounters a captive afreet, who naturally starts speaking in rhyming riddles.  It attacks after finishing its speech, and Hellocthul attacks with Celestial Fury and Sanchu.

 

"Crap! Fricking fireshield! Oh crap..." Nalia rushes over to find Hellocthul literally charred and smoking, with big ugly burns on her arms and legs.  They healed almost immediately before her eyes, as Sanchu's magic regenerated Hellocthul's body.

 

"WHAT HAPPENED! Are you ok? WHAT the crap happened!" Nalia asked frantically.

 

"Well, the afreet cast fireshield red, and when I attacked, the magic of the fireshield hit me with fire damage.  Sanchu retaliated with acid damage, which caused the fireshield to hit me with fire damage, which caused Sanchu to...it was a feedback loop, hon. I just have to remember to never attack with Sanchu in my hands against fireshields. Ok, I feel fine now.  Sanchu healed all my wounds.  Amazing weapon, very powerful.  Oh crap, my jerkin and pants are completely singed!" Hellocthul stood up, completely healed.  She still smoked, as her protective garments under her robe smoldered as they protected her body from serious burns.  Her robes, the Robe of Vecna, had further protected her body from injury.  Fortunately, her robes were a very powerful magic artifact, so they were completely immune to flame damage.  She started taking off her weapons harnesses, and Jaheira and Nalia stepped up to her, and held their cloaks wide, to hide her from the sight of the men in the party.  Hellocthul strips off her robe and undresses, tossing the scorched and burned leather clothes, and slipping on new ones.

 

"Caw! Caw!" said Nalia as she sees Haer Dalis' crane his neck to try to peer past Nalia and Jaheira.  Haer Dalis' flushes, and looks away again.  His roguish grin says I can't help being male, and Hellocthul is very beautiful.  Nalia's mouth quirks in a possessive, smug grin.

 

Hellocthul whacks the next 7 afreets with Celestial Fury, after being protected by the Protection from the Elements spell, and the she assembles all the pieces of the Mask of Strohm. She then kills the guardian, and the party is pleased by the addition of a powerful long sword, Dragon Slayer, and the Dragon Shield.  Jan gets the sword, and Viconia equips the shield, packing away her shield of reflection.

 

"Honey, don't you think its kinda ominous that we just recovered a weapon and armor designed to fight dragons?  It does make you think that Firkraag might have a dragon ally..." Nalia asked.

 

"Oh, come child, what kind of moron of a dragon chooses to live in a cave with dragon slaying items?  And if such a dragon did live here, wouldn't it take steps to destroy or at least confiscate such items?  Be sensible." Jaheira said.

 

The party retraces their steps to near where Samia attacked them, and using farsight, Hellocthul notes the greater wolfweres in the corridor leading further into Firkraag's lair.  Jan and Nalia sprays cloudkills down the corridor, and Minsc blocks the door with a door blocker.  The party kills the lone, remaining greater wolfwere, and moves on.  At the bridge, Jaheira kills the clay and iron golems with her enchanted quarterstaff.  The party kills the air elemental summoned by the wishing well, and Viconia straps on the Dragon helm.  Nalia casts farsight to look at the rooms to the south, and the party moves on.  In the room, they find a group of wounded adventurers.  Jan and Nalia are the only ones to enter the room.

 

"My good sir, what big ears you have!" Nalia says to the wounded adventurer.

 

"The better to hear you, my pretty." replied the wounded adventurer.

 

"My good sir, what big eyes you have!" Nalia says to the wounded adventurer.

 

"The better to see you, my pretty." replied the wounded adventurer.

 

"My good sir, what big teeth you have!" Nalia says to the wounded adventurer.

 

"The better to EAT you, my pretty!" the wounded adventurers changed into werewolfs, and instantly Nalia and Jan fire cloudkills into the room, ran out, and Minsc, waiting and ready, bars the door with a door blocker.  The sound of heavy coughing and hacking could be heard, as the werewolves succumb to the deadly chlorine gas.

 

"My good sir, what big lungs you have!" Nalia shouts through the door with a big grin.

 

"The better to huff, and puff, and blow this door in...hack, cough, gasp...urrrrggg....thud." The party opens the door, and find all the werewolves dead.

 

"What gave them away? Besides the really inane and moronic dialog.  I mean to your farsight spell." asked Jaheira.

 

"Well, I saw one of them scratch his head with his toes.  That certainly made me suspicious.  No human is that flexible." Nalia replied.

 

"Ewww...definately canine mannerisms...I am just glad they didn't do something else dogs do, lass..." said Jan.

 

"That's...that's completely disgusting, Jan! You mean lick their...YUCK!!!" Nalia blushed furiously.  

 

The party moved on, while Nalia and Jan made gagging noises.  They moved up into the small set of natural caverns up west, and encounter some golems in a small sub-cavern to the west. Jaheira disposed of them with her enchanted quarterstaff, and Hellocthul decides to pick up the staff of Rhynn later when they get back to Athlanka.  They sure have been encountering a lot of golems.  They find in the smaller cavern some gems, including a bejuril, and Heartseeker.

 

"Minsc will sting the butt of evil from many, many yards with this wonderful bow! See, Boo, imagine evil bending over to tie evil shoelaces, and Minsc with his new bow will plant an arrow right where it smarts the most!  Woe is you, Evil!  Now even when Minsc is not near, your buttocks are no longer safe!" squeek, eek!!!

 

Finally, the party crosses the bridge, and dispose of the few ogres in the westernmost room. Hellocthul, Jaheira and Keldorn moved down the bridge connecting it to the northern room, with the archers right behind them.  They burst in, to find an old familiar face.

 

"Tazok! I killed you in the battle underneath Baldur's Gate.  What the frick are you doing here?!" said Hellocthul.

 

"Me got better master now, with full medical and dental coverage!  Me even got good 401k plan now, with profit sharing program! Me no longer work for stinky Saravok, and stupid Enron! Die for company bonuses!!! AAARRRGGGG!!!" screamed Tazok.

 

The group made short work of the ogres, and they found Lanora in a small cell.

 

"Are you ok?  Did they hurt you?  Stand back, we're going to try to get you out." Lanora nodded and retreated to the back of the cell.  Jan, Nalia and Yoshimo all failed to pick the lock, and Nalia's knock spell had no effect.  Bashing with the Flail of the Ages failed, even when Viconia Drew on Holy Might.  Finally, even Hellocthul whacking the lock with the Black Blade of Disaster failed.  

 

"Tough Door! Damn it, Lanora sweetie, do you know who has the key?" Hellocthul asked.

 

"Conster has the key.  He is Firkraag's mage.  He and Firkraag are in the main caverns to the west.  Don't go there!  Firkraag will kill you!!! Please don't risk your lives for my sake. You can't defeat him!  He is a red dragon!" Lanora wept.

 

"Oh crap.  Ok, folks, we now know what Firkraag is.  Ok, here is what we're going to do.  Haer, Jan, Yoshimo, and Nally, hon, you all stay with Lanora. Minsc, Keldy, Jae, Vic, and I will go lizard hunting. Don't worry, Lanora.  We can take him." Everyone nodded.  Lanora just looked more frightened.

[Userunfriendly]

"Oh crap.  Ok, folks, we now know what Firkraag is.  Ok, here is what we're going to do.  Haer, Jan, Yoshimo, and Nally, hon, you all stay with Lanora. Minsc, Keldy, Jae, Vic, and I will go lizard hunting. Don't worry, Lanora.  We can take him." Everyone nodded.  Lanora just looked more frightened.

 

"Ok, here is the plan.  We need to expend all the defensive spells the mages and clerics have got, most importantly any fire protection spells we have ready, for the assault team.  By using fewer members in the assault, instead of spreading out the protection through out the party, we can get the assault team much more heavily protected.  I want the group staying behind to watch over Lanora, in case Firkraag sends someone after her.  Nally, you're in charge of the stay behind group..." Hellocthul said.

 

"Hon, I don't think I should stay here with Lanora.  I am now the second most powerful mage in this group, and I should be with you.  I still have a lot of combat offensive spells, and you're going to need me." Nalia interrupted in a quiet voice.

 

"You're right.  You are the second most powerful magic user in the group now, and even though I want you safe, it makes more sense for you to come with the assault team. Just stay far behind, ok?" Hellocthul didn't like this, not one bit.  All her instincts said to keep her Nalia safe and from harm.  But as party leader she had to make decisions based on making the correct tactical decisions, and taking Nalia with her was the correct choice.

 

"My dear, darling raven, may I come too?  You're going into battle with a dragon, and you need a bard to witness this Climatic and Cataclysmic Struggle first hand to make a tale for the ages.  And I am the only bard in the party, and it would be a privilege for my humble pen to create this Grand Epic." Haer Dalis' asked.

 

"No, Haer, that would not be a good idea.  You don't have enough magic to protect yourself with, or enough offensive spells to help with blasting through Firkraag's defenses. Lanora, what kind of lair is he in?  Is it a big space, or smaller, cramped quarters?  Here, take this paper and some charcoal.  Any information about the battle ground will be most helpful." Hellocthul passes Lanora a spare scroll, and some charcoal.  Haer Dalis' concealed his grimace of disappointment, then suddenly smiled.  He turned away his face lest Hellocthul see his smile.  "I will be damned if I miss this battle, this Saga and Song in the making!" he thought to himself.

 

"Ok, equipment.  Kedorn, have you ever fought a dragon before? No?  Oh crap.  I was hoping you have some practical experience with something like this, I'm going to have to rely on experience taking on large wyverns, then.  I did read Wyvern Hunter's 'Dragon Slaying for Dummies', so I think I know most of what to expect. We need to protect the assault force with as much fire protection as we can. Minsc will distract the beast with his longbow.  Keldy, Jae, and I will attack from different directions, so it will be forced to divide its attacks.  Nally will concentrate on ranged spells, start with protection removal, and follow up with volleys of magic missiles, mixed in with heavier stuff, like lightning bolts.  Vic will be with Nally, the rod of resurrection can heal anyone within sight range, and also provide summons to further distract it. Jan, give Keldy Dragonslayer, and Vic, give Keldy the Dragon helm and shield.  Here, honey, take the ring of fire protection. ( With her salamander robes, her family ring, and the ring of fire protection Nalia would be completely invulnerable to fire.  Hellocthul felt her neck relax. )  Keldorn, you are trained well in sword and shield style of fighting, right?  Good!  The trick will be to split its attention and get in that decisive strike.  Its vulnerable points will be belly, and of course the head.  Its armor is tough, so it is unlikely we can penetrate its main armor.  The belly armor is weaker, so that is where Nally and I will target our direct damage spells, like lightning bolt and cones of cold. This is going to be tough, guys, and we're going to have to go in cold and fast."

 

"Psst...honey, I've seen the Wyvern Hunter's show on the crystal ball.  He's...he's kinda stupid...can we trust that idiot's book when he regularly gets bitten by goblins, kicked by umber hulks and trampled by yuan-ti?" Nalia whispered.

 

"Its ok, I actually know a bit about that 'idiot'.  You see, he only became an idiot after the ratings for his show took a dive.  He's actually quite competent, he just pretends to be an idiot so his audience laughs at his antics.  His books are quite intelligent, and I've read other books that confirm his guidelines and tactics." Hellocthul said.  Nalia looked relieved.

 

Lanora finished drawing a map of the Dragon's Lair, and she pointed out the relevent features to Hellocthul.  Hellocthul looked at the map in dismay.

 

"Oh double crap.  Looks like the Lair is huge!  That means it can move around freely.  It means our plan of diving its attacks is going to be a lot less effective than I hoped.  If it was in a smaller cavern, the confining space would hinder it from turning or moving quickly. Keldorn, it looks like its going to be up to you...Do you know how to use this?" Hellocthul hands over to Keldorn the Dragon Bane Halberd they recovered from the lair of the Unseeing Eye.

 

"Yes, my lady, I do.  I have seen one before, my instructor in the martial arts had one, a relic from the last great confrontation the Order had with a dragon, over 40 years ago.  It no longer worked right, the mechanism had broken the last time it was used, but I still remember his instructions on its use.  Does the mechanism work still?" Keldorn asked.

 

"Let's find out." Keldorn nodded. He took the Halbard, hefted it, then clicked a small switch mounted on the haft, and then threw it at a wall.  The enchanted blade allowed it to sink in a full handspan into the wooden wall.  The halberd made a small whirring noise, and about 5 seconds after it hit the wall, edged tines and swords popped out the metal shaft of the halberd.  It bloomed like some hideous flower of razor blades. It then reset itself, and once again looked like a normal halberd.  Keldorn pulled it out of the wall, and slung it on his back.

 

"I wish we had some poison to coat the blades and tines with.  But it does work, so if Keldorn can get in close enough for a throw, he can get it into Firkraag's mouth, and it will bloom inside his gullet.  The resulting damage should at least hurt him severly enough for us to have a much better chance." Hellocthul said.  She then walked over to the table on the middle of the floor, flipped it on her side, and dragged it to provide a shield for the stay behind group.  They could take cover behind it, and fire their crossbows and short bows behind the table.  "Ok, protections and battle spells!  Let's go waste that overgrown gekko!"  All the mages and clerics in the party cast all the combat protections and warrior ability enhancing spells they had.  Magic filled the small room with glows and shimmering arcs of light, and Lanora felt hope in her heart, as she saw how potent the party's magical abilities were.

 

Hellocthul led Minsc, Jaheira, Keldorn, Nalia and Viconia down to the Dragon's Lair.  She did not see the greenclad form of the bard following them at a discreet distance. Meanwhile, Yoshimo and Jan settled back behind the table-shield and prepared their crossbows and short bows.

 

"So,  Gorion's ward finally makes her appearance?  Hmmmm...so the mice think they can slay the cat, do they?"  Firkraag was Huge.  His bulk towered over 50 feet in height, and Hellocthul knew they faced an ancient dragon, immensely powerful, with highly potent magics and millenia of cruelty and cunning.

 

"Hand over the key to Lanora's cell, and you can avoid trouble.  The mice have sharp teeth and poisoned claws in these here parts."  Hellocthul replied.

 

"I think not.  Conster, go to my captive.  Slay her!  Did I anger you, leader of the chittering mice who are foolish enough to bother me?  You may not be aware of this, Gorion's Ward, but I have a dept I intend to collect with you.  You see, a few dozen years ago, Gorion and his stinking Harper friends injured me.  In a minor and pathetic fashion, but dragonkind have long memories.  Gorion is dead, but I shall collect my vengence in destroying his daughter.  His soul will be suffering the pain of the damned, when he meets you in the afterlife."  Hellocthul's eyes went very cold when Firkraag instructed his servant to slay Lanora, but she knew she had to trust Jan, Yoshimo and Haer Dalis', not knowing that the disobedient bard was several yards behind Viconia and Nalia, his ears strained to catch every word.  

 

"So do you intend to try to bore me to death?  Grak' Shhthelssian Hfvweellmachthuk Slitth!!!"  With those words Hellocthul launched her prepared spell triggers and chain contingencies, a powerful blast of breach, and ruby ray of reversal, followed by abi-dahzim's horrid wiltings.

 

Firkraag gave an immense scream of rage at Hellocthul's words, and unleased a torrent of magical energy that stripped most of the party of its spell protections.  He followed with a huge gout of fire from his mouth that seared and injured most of the assault team.  Keldorn was unable to use the Dragon Bane Halberd against Firkraag, his right arm was horribly, horribly burned.  Hellocthul's magical blasts shattered against the Dragon's prepared defences, the breach spell wasting itself against Firkraag's spell shield, and the dragon's stacked spell immunity alteration and abjuration rendering the ruby ray ineffective.  The abi-dahzim's shattered against Firkraag's protection from magical energy, and it stood there, enraged and in full fury, utterly unharmed by Hellocthul's spells.  Nalia's magic spells bounced off the dragon's defenses, and Minsc's arrows were ineffective against Firkraag's stoneskins.

 

"Keldy, Jae, back to the rear!  Chuuuuuuu!!!!" As Hellocthul invoked Hello Cthulhu, Jaheira dragged Keldorn back to the rear of the huge cavern, where Viconia waited with her healing spells.

 

"Japan Self Defense Forces! Bambi!  Monty Python!" Hello Cthulhu gestured with her paws, and several trucks, with machineguns and autocannons appeared.  Dozens of soldiers wearing green uniforms pointed at Firkaag, shouted "Godzilla!!!" and opened fire.  One person, not wearing a military uniform, instead wearing a diving suit, ran around the soldiers, carrying a large round ball.  He kept shouting,  "How can I use the oxygen destroyer without water!!!"

 

As the flabbergasted Firkraag just stood there, ignoring the machine gun rounds and cannon fire exploding against his almost invulnerable hide, a small, brown and white spotted deer appeared. He was also in military uniform, like the soldiers, but also with a camo headband and green camo makeup on his face.  He swung from his back a rocket launcher bigger than he was, and started lobbing powerful rockets at Firkraag's head, shouting "You stomped on me, Godzilla!!! Die, Die, Die!!!"

 

While the fire from the Japan Self Defense Forces proved ineffective against Firkraag, Bambi's rocket fire proved highly effective.  The blasts from the rockets could not penetrate Firkraag's armor, but each explosion dazed Firkraag, making his head reel from the concussion effect.  Meanwhile, the most powerful of the three spells Hello Cthulhu cast was working...

 

As soon as Hello Cthulhu said the powerful magic words, "Monty Python", a loud, rather annoying tune began to fill the cavern.  It was a tune mostly of drums and trumpets, and a giant voice announced with a fanfare, "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and the music continued, evoking all sorts of silly images, of people dressed in absurd costumes, cows dropping on people's heads, and rather graphic and naughty bodily function collages.  As the Japan Self Defense Forces and Bambi continued to pour in rocket fire, machine gun fire, and auto cannon fire, ( And the man in the diving suit still frantically ran around, screaming "My oxygen destroyer needs water!!! I'm suppose to be in Tokyo Bay!!!") the music drew to a close.  With one final blast from a tuba, a titantic human foot dropped from the sky, and stepped on Firkraag!!!

 

Firkraag...squished...the human foot, over 200 feet long and weighing thousands of tons, squished Firkraag like a beetle.  As the floor of the cavern splashed with dragon blood, and huge chunks of icky bits, All the soldiers cheered, Bambi cheered, and even the man in the diving suit cheered.

 

Keldy and Jaheira, their wounds healed, came foward with Nalia and Viconia, to look at the remains of their once mighty foe.  Hello Cthulhu grabbed Nalia's hand, and Bambi's hoof, and did a dance around the squished dragon.  Nalia fed Hello Cthulhu a cookie.  All the soldiers, their equipment, Bambi and the gigantic foot disappeared.

 

"Lanora!  Crap!!!" Hellocthul and the rest of the assault group ran for the entrance.  They entered the room where Lanora was kept in her cell, to find Jan, Yoshimo and Lanora sitting behind the barricade, and Conster's body on the floor.

 

"Oh thank the gods!!!  Lanora, are you all right, honey?" At Lanora's nodd, Hellocthul relaxed, and sheathed her swords.  "Firkraag is dead, and where the frick is Haer Dalis'?"

 

"Isn't he with you?  He left us just after you moved into the main cavern, saying you had changed your mind and he was to go with you." Yoshimo replied.  Hellocthul began to shake with anger.

 

Hellocthul led everyone back into the main cave, to look at the dead dragon.  Lanora gasped and shook with terror as she finally saw the dreadful beast, stomped into the floor by Hello Cthulhu's magic.  The party found a sizable hoard near the back of the cavern, including a large two handed sword.  Viconia claimed a large number of Firkraag's scales, putting them carefully into her pack.  Nalia and Jan got a number of spell scrolls, including some very powerful ones.  Hellocthul handed over to Jaheira a protection from the elements scroll, so that the next time the party was at the docks, her Aegir's Hide Armor could be upgraded.  Hellocthul partially drew the two handed sword from its scabbard, and cast an identification spell on it.

 

"Keldorn, I think this should go to you.  This is Carsomyr, and it can only be wielded by a Paladin." Hellocthul said.

 

Keldorn fell to his knees, his eyes filling with tears. "Holy Avenger! Carsomyr the Lost is Found!  The Order will rejoice when I bear this most holy of relics back within its hallowed walls!  My lady, I am unworthy!" Keldorn said.

 

"Nonsense, my friend, we faced the dragon together, and this sword belongs to you.  Here, take it, and wield it for your god."  Hellocthul put Carsomyr into Keldorn's trembling hands.  

 

Haer Dalis' walked to the rest of the party, his eyes bright with excitement.  "A most Titantic battle! A most Glorious and Valiant Victory!  Truely my meager skills will be taxed to the limit to do this Song Justice!" Hellocthul looked on the bard with loathing.

 

"Do you know what an order means?!  Haer Dalis', you risked Lanora's life when you disobeyed me, you were out of position!  Jan and Yoshimo needed you with them, not risking the safety of the party to gather materials for your 'Grand and Glorious Epic'" Hellocthul spat out.

 

"But the song, the song of your triumph..." began Haer Dalis'.

 

"I don't give a rat's ass about any frikking song!  You stupid, selfish, reckless bard, you risked Lanora's life, Jan's life and Yoshimo's life when you ran off deserting your post!" Hellocthul took a deep breath. "Haer Dalis', you are no longer a member of this party.  We will escort you back to your friend Raelis Shai, like we promised, but after that you are on your own."

 

"But, but, my raven, great deeds and tales surround you!  You must have a bard to chronicle them for posterity!" Haer Dalis' was frightened of losing the opportunity of a lifetime.

 

"I don't care about posterity.  What I care about is your risking my friend's lives simply because you need material for your stinking songs.  End of discussion, Haer Dalis'. Ok, people, let's get Lanora back to her dad."  Hellocthul turned away from Haer Dalis', and led the party tword the exit.

 

The party walked in silence, no one looking at the bard walking at the end of the party.  Once they reached Gerren's house, the mood of the party improved, as Lord Gerren was happy and grateful not only for the return of his daughter, but also the destruction of the enemy who stole his lands, persecuted his people, and slew those in his care.  The party stayed over for a day, before preparing to ride back to Athlanka.

 

About a day's ride from Athlanka, the party met Prelate Wesselan leading a large mounted force of knights and squires in full battle array.

 

"Sir Keldorn!  I received your message from Ajantis, but I see things are well in hand.  What happened?"  said Prelate Wesselan.

 

"My friend, aren't you a little too old to be leading field armies?" asked Keldorn with a low voice and a smile.

 

"Well, that's what the boys are saying, but my old friend, you are almost a year older than I am!" replied the Prelate with a smile.

 

"My lord, I have the honor to report, Lord Firkraag was actually an ancient red dragon, and Lady Hellocthul slew him by the might of her magic! We recovered from his lifeless corpse this!" Sir Keldorn raised Carsomyr high into the air.  The greatsword shimmered with the aura of its own magic, and the blade reflected the noon sun brilliantly to the knights.

 

"Blessed be Tyr!!! The Holy Avenger is returned to the light of day!" the Prelate shouted to the Knights, his eyes filled with tears.  The massed knights roared their approval.

 

The party continued on, the entire Order of the Radiant Heart escorting them as an honor guard.  Suddenly, they saw an armored figure ahead, on foot, seemingly prancing infront of a squire, loaded down with supplies.  As they rode closer, the knight was revealed to be Sir Bombast, who was pretending to ride a horse, and the squire was clapping two coconut shells together, making the sound of a horse's hooves.  The squire wore an expression of utter mortification on his face.

 

Prelate Wesselan clapped his hand over his eyes.  So did all the rest of the Knights of the Radient Heart.  Sir Keldorn, his left hand clapped over his face, spoke.  "Sir Bombast!  What in Torm's name happened to your horse!!!  And why are you prancing around the countryside, pretending you are riding a horse, while your poor miserable squire is clapping two coconut shells together!!!"

 

"Urm...Lord Keldorn!  Urm...I can explain what happened to my horse...urm...I found at the docks this most wonderous of games.  This gnome had these three cards face down on this table, you see, and he showed me one card was the Star, and he shuffled the cards around, and all I had to do was to point to the Star, and the wager would be mine!  And I thought of those poor orphans the Order was taking care of in the temples, and I naturally thought I could win a large sum and donate my winnings to the temples.  Somehow, though, the Star card eluded me...I ended up losing all my gold, and my horse.  So when the call came for the Order to move out, naturally we left, with or without our horses.  After walking the first few miles, I did not feel right simply marching without the sound of hooves, so I gave Sancho these coconut halves, and had him make hoof noises, and I could pretend I was riding."  Sir Bombast looked like a little puppy, waiting for approval.

 

"Sancho!  How many people saw this, this, inane spectacle?  And what were you doing, letting Bombast do anything that stupid!"  Prelate Wesselan asked in a pained voice, his hand still covering his eyes.

 

"Sorry, milord.  I just finished my family buisness and got back in time to see Sir Bombast lose the horses.  No one saw us, milord.  I took Sir Bombast out through the postern gate.  And thankfully, the main road has been empty until we caught up with you, milord." Sancho replied, also in a pained voice.  

 

"Thank Tyr and Torm for small mercies.  Sir Lathan, bring up two of the spare mounts for Bombast and his squire.  Sancho, your stipend will be doubled from now on.  You did well. Sir Bombast! I order you to never again play 3 Card Monty!  I order you to never again gamble! Sir Bombast, you cannot win playing 3 Card Monty, since the dealer palms the Star card!" Prelate Wesselan said.

 

"Lady Hellocthul, I sincerely hope you do not judge our Order based on the actions and urm...the gross ineptitude of our most embarressing member." Prelate Wesselan said in a mortified voice.

 

"That's quite all right, Lord Wesselan.  I have seen Sir Keldorn in action, and I prefer to judge your Order based on him. Shut Up Jan!!! (Jan was doubled up with laughter sitting on his pony, unable to even breath, he was laughing so hard.) Shall we ride on?"  the side of Hellocthul's lips were twitching, and an occasional giggle escaped the control of the rest of the party.

 

"Why don't you, erm...get rid of Sir Bombast?  He is quite the liability, isn't he? hahahahahhahhaha!" Yoshimo asked.

 

"Unfortunately, Sir Bombast's brother Lord Gerlain owns the lease to our Order's Headquarters.  If we were to get rid of Sir Bombast, I fear we would shortly lose the lease, and a Walmart would move in.  The life of a prelate is not a happy one, I fear." sighed Prelate Wesselan.

 

"You know, abbil, for a long time now, I have had nothing but hatred to these armored thugs.  Now, for the first time in my life, I pity them.  I actually pity them." Viconia gasped out between her giggles.

 

They continued on, the knights looking mortified, and the party trying hard not to laugh out loud.

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.gamejag.com./index.php?name=PNp...8a60223a6e5c975

 

Hi!!! This episode of Hello Cthulhu is based on the link above. Please read the linked thread before reading the story. If you read the link, you find out that the very talented and excellent actor, Hugh Weaving played Agent Smith in "Matrix", Elrond in "Lord of the Rings", and had a part in "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert". Somehow, I could not get this mental image of all three of his roles being combined into one character out of my mind. I really think Hugh Weaving is a good actor, and this story is not meant to demean him or insult him in any way. On the other hand, Haer Dalis' gets a little bashed in this episode. Thanks for reading, and please comment. Oh, and if the little musical scene in the middle of this episode drives you perminently insane, don't worry, no one here will notice anyway.

 

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Once they reached Athlanka, the party headed back to the Inn of the Seven Vales for baths, and a night's sleep. The next day, the party did a lot of shopping, and sold quite a bit of extra gear. They visited Cromwell and Viconia placed an order for Red Dragon Platemail Armor. Riff was able to upgrade the Aegir's Hide Armor with a scroll of protection from the elements.

 

"Ok, Haer, time to go visit your friend." Hellocthul said.

 

"After we take care of Haer's return, may we see my family? I have not seen them in almost a year." Keldorn said.

 

"Your family? They live in Athlanka? Of course! You should have spoken up earlier, Keldorn." said Hellocthul.

 

"Thank you, my friend." replied Keldorn.

 

They return Haer Dalis' to Raelis Shai. She was overjoyed to see the bard, but Hellocthul breaths a sigh of relief. Things have been tense while the disobedient bard was in the company. The other members of the party knew that the reason why Haer was being kicked out of the party was due to his disregard of orders in a combat situation, but Haer persisted in believing he had done nothing wrong. He somehow convinced himself that Hellocthul was beginning to be attracted to him, and that it was Nalia's jelousy that forced Hellocthul to kick him out. He even tried to convince the others of his point of view, with a notable lack of success. The other members of the party, like Jan, Keldorn and Yoshimo had all travelled with adventuring parties before, and they were all aware in a combat situation, you either obeyed the party leader, or you left the party. His spiteful portrait of Nalia as a conniving harpy and manipulative witch fell on deaf ears, yet it was obvious that his continued presense strained the relationships. Worst of all Nalia was uncharacteristically quiet and her new found assertiveness,(in the prebattle planning before the party confronted Firkraag) which delighted Hellocthul, had yet to show itself again. Hellocthul hoped that with Haer gone, things would improve for the party, and that Nalia would come out of her shell.

 

Raelis revealed that the Sigil troup was actually from Sigil. Hellocthul had a thousand questions in her mind about the great Nexus of the Multiverse, of which she had read in many tomes at Candlekeep, but the obvious tension and fear by the members of the troup kept her silent. It was clear that the troup feared something or someone that hunted them, and Haer's revelation that the gem did not in fact belong to Haer Dalis' simply confirmed her feeling that the troup was quite desperate.

 

Raelis prepares to conjure up the young conduit by which the troup would escape Toril, and she asked for help in defending the portal from interference. From her studies, Hellocthul knew that planar travel was most dangerous in the portal opening, when the "filament" at the destination side of the portal could be tampered with, while it was hunting for the proper destination. Hellocthul agreed. When the bounty hunters came out of the newly formed portal, and took the troup, Hellocthul decided to follow after the abducted troup.

 

As the party went through the portal, they found themselves seeing a sight they could not have imagined in a thousand years. They saw an elf, wearing black dress suit jacket, white button down shirt, black tie and a pair of black sunglasses. They knew he was an elf despite his outre clothing, due to the points on his ears. Below the waist, however, he wore chartreuse dancing tights, liberally sewn in with sequins and rhinestones in every color of the rainbow. He wore high heeled pumps, bright ruby in color, literally made of sequins and glitters. He also wore a "tail" made of dozens of peacock feathers liberally sprinkled with glitterdust. Finally, to cap it all off, he wore several feathered bolas, one a rosy red, another passionate pink, and a third in pale turqoise. He looked like some horrifying combination of undertaker, and Calimshite City Music Hall Rockette. He was singing.

 

You're a teaser, you turn 'em on

Leave them burning and then you're gone

Looking out for another, anyone will do

You're in the mood for a dance

And when you get the chance...

 

You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen

Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine

You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life

See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen

 

"What do you think, guys? Good enough to for my next gig? The Matrix Finalized: The Return of Priscilla!" said the elf. He was singing in front of a bunch of bounty hunters, Yuan-ti, and one gnome, who was trying to stuff his jacket into his ears. The bounty hunters and yuan-ti all removed pink fluffy earmuffs from their heads, and they all clapped and cheered loudly. The poor gnome just groaned out loud.

 

"Ahem..." Hellocthul cleared her throat.

 

The elf finally noticed them. He then walked over to stand in front of Hellocthul, vamping and swaying outrageously while he walked. He twirled one of the feathered bolas in his hand, and as he stopped in front of Hellocthul, he artistically flipped the bola around his throat.

 

"Good Morning Mr. Anderson. Welcome to Rivendale!" said the elf.

 

"Who is Mr. Anderson? And I thought this was Sigil?" said Hellocthul, very perplexed.

 

"Ooopse, sorry, wrong message of the day." the elf emitted some electronic beeping noises, and some colored tiny lights flashed on his sunglasses, then stopped. "Lets try again. Good Morning Hellocthul, Welcome to the Astral Prison. My name is Agent Smith, Agent Elrond Priscilla Smith. Welcome to the last day of your life!!! Attack!!!" Agent Smith whipped out a large calibre automatic hand crossbow, and he and the bounty hunters and yuan-ti all attacked the party.

 

Hellocthul invoked the rune of chain contingency, and unleashed a triple abi-dahzim's horrid wilting on Agent Smith and his goon squad. They all shrivelled horribly, as all the moisture was magically sucked out of their bodies. Agent Smith toppled, his flesh shrinking right before their eyes, literally mumified while still alive. He opened his mouth, and tried to speak. Hellocthul bent closer to listen.

 

"There is no matrix, there is no spoon. The Fellowship is broken." Hellcthul shook her head. Gibberish. Then to the shock of the party, Agent Smith sprang upright, like some demonic jack in the box. Hellocthul acted instantly, slashing with Sanchu. Agent Smith dodged the blow with preternatural ease, bending backwards in an incredibly fast motion.

 

"Chuuuuu....Pac-man!" Hello Cthulhu said, her little paws waving.

 

A huge yellow ball appeared, with two black dots for eyes, and a black toothless mouth that extended half the circumference of its body.

 

"Wukka, Wukka, Wukka!" said Pac-man. Pac-man somehow moved to a suddenly frightened Agent Smith, and bit his head off. The body tottered in slow motion, and dissolved in a swarm of tiny squares, which evaporated. Pac-man emitted a series of whistling beeps in distress, and disolved into the floor. Nalia fed Hello Cthulhu a cookie.

 

"Ok, there's something you don't see everyday." said Hellocthul.

 

"Oh thank you so much, my lady. Who are you, and bless you for saving my life." said the gnome.

 

After finding out about the warden, the collars and the sphere, the party looted the bodies, aquiring a pair of boots of speed, a cloak of the shield, and a wand of the heavens. Viconia took the wand, making pleased noises as she examined the divinely enchanted item, polishing it on the hem of her shirt, and inserting it in a holder in her belt. Yoshimo got the cloak of the shield, to provide him with more protection in melee. Hellocthul knelt, and tied the laces of the boots of speed on Nalia's feet.

 

Nalia hopped on her feet several times, pleased with the comfortable fit, then stuck out her tongue at Hellocthul several times, flapped her elbows, said "Beep, Beep!" and raced around the party at high speed. She stopped in front of Hellocthul, and giggled like a schoolgirl. Hellocthul grabbed her, and kissed her, glad that the old cheerful and happy Nally seems to be back.

 

"Urm, children, breathe...ok, it looks like we have two choices, the northwest path, and the northeast path. Which do we take?" Jaheira said.

 

Jan and Nalia cast farsight spells, and discovered the northeast path was longer, and full of thralls still controlled by the collars. The northwest path led directly to the warden, but was full of traps. Hellocthul decided it was best to kill the warden, fast and dirty, thus freeing the thralls, and then go for the sphere, to unlock the collars. Jan cast his recently aquired invisibility 10 feet radius spell, and the party moved foward along the northwest path with the thieves at the lead, slowly and carefully disarming the semi organic pit traps. They reached the warden, a Tanari of great power, surrounded by his collared thralls.

 

Hellocthul unleashed a spell triggered breach, lower resistance and a greater malison, making the Warden vulnerable to the party magic. Nalia at the same time unleashed a triple magic missile in spell sequencer, striking him on the head, and making him howl with pain. Keldorn raised Holy Avenger high, and lopped its head off. The party looted Ardatha the drinker, and a mysterious magical halbard shaft off his body, as well as the key to the troup's cell. The thralls, free of the warden's control, helped the party kill the master thrall, kill the warden's pet wyvern, and Keldorn threw the sphere of mastery into the fires, breaking the locks of all the thrall collars. The party headed back to the cell where the Sigil Troupe was being held.

 

"My dear Raelis, I fear I cannot join you this time. The wonders of the Prime Material Plane sing too seductively for me to resist. Perhapse Hellocthul will allow me to travel with her a while?" Haer Dalis' said. Hellocthul merely shook her head. "Well, then I shall stay a while, in the Five Flagons Inn above the playhouse, awaiting for your invitation." Hellocthul and Jaheira looked at each other, amazed at just how self-deluded Haer Dalis' could be.

 

The party arrived back in the playhouse, glad to be back in Toril again. They decided to accept Keldorn's invitation to visit his house, enticed by his description of the skill of the Firekam family cook. They were famished, after their tiring extra-planar adventure.

 

As the party headed off for the government district, they saw several fairly elaborate coaches. They were full of elaborately dressed noblemen and women, off to some party or ball.

 

"You know, that reminds me of my Aunt Janice Janson, and her hearse." said Jan.

 

"Your Aunt drove a hearse?" asked Nalia.

 

"Well, it wasn't exactly a hearse after Aunt Janice got through with it. You see, Uncle Albert, her husband, built a hearse to take advantage of a underexploited market in the funeral buisness. He and Aunt Janice ran a funeral home you see. All hearses in Amn are required to be smaller than a certain size, due to some regulation governing the maximum hearse size allowed on the road. The largest size allowed was quite fine and adequate for humans and even half-orcs, but too small to fit a troll or ogre coffin. So Uncle Albert built this special hearse carridge, with this large hinged cover, so you could lift the top of the hearse and put the dearly departed ogre or troll's coffin. Alas, poor Uncle Albert forgot a simple fact." said Jan.

 

"And what fact is that, Jan?" Nalia asked inspite of herself.

 

"Why, ogres and trolls never hold funerals. In fact, they hold barbeques for the dearly departed troll or ogre, with the guest of honor being the main dish of honor. (Nalia makes gagging sounds) So he gave to Aunt Janice this extra large hearse as her personal vehicle. Now Aunt Janice had always wanted a Surrey (small two wheeled carridge) and despite the size and 4 wheels of the hearse, she persisted in calling it her Surrey. She had it painted in her favorite color, blue, and had decorative turnip motiefs stenciled on the sides. She used to drive it to the market every sunday, and she even sang this song, in her loudest singing voice to warn pedestrians. You see, being such a large carridge, it had a problem stopping. The song went like this" said Jan.

 

"Orcs and trolls and goblins better scurry,

When I ride out, ride out in my Surrey,

When I ride out in my Surrey with a hinge on top!"

 

"So, Keldorn, do you have any kids?" said Hellocthul, desperately changing the subject.

 

"Well, yes, two. Vesper and Lynn, my youngest. In fact, here we are! Maria, Vesper, Lynn, your father is home!" Keldorn and the party entered a small mansion, and he called out to a pair of girls in the antechamber.

 

After the revelations by Maria, Keldorn's wife, Hellocthul advised Keldorn that they should seek out Sir William and hear him out before taking any irrevocable actions. As the party headed for the Mithrest Inn, to talk to Sir William, Nalia noticed Keldorn was clenching his fist. She mouthed to Jan "Tell a story".

 

"So Keldy, I noticed that Lynn is at that age, when their clothes are getting dirty every single day, rolling on the ground, and playing with mud. I wish that nephew Wrigley Jansen had perfected that chewing gum. Then the little kid's clothing would never get dirty." said Jan.

 

"What does chewing gum have to do with cleaner clothes?" asked Nalia.

 

"Well, Nephew Wrigley was working on a new formula for turnip flavored chewing gum, and one day, he was testing out a new batch. It seemed ok, but rather dull, so he simply spat it out on the ground. That of course was perfectly normal. However, he noticed something strange. The chewed up piece of turnip gum, unlike any other piece of gum he had ever seen, refused to pick up dirt! The gum had rolled due to being spat out, and instead of being covered in little specks of dirt like any other piece of gum, was perfectly clean. Nephew Wrigley of course tried to coat that piece of gum with dirt, but he found out that dirt simply refused to stick to that gum. Then he got the brilliant idea of making chewed pieces of gum into children's clothing, especially toddlers and kids who seemed to attact dirt like a magnet. You see, a gummed tot never soils!"

 

Keldorn stopped cold, with a blank expression on his face.

 

"Unfortunately, it was never to be. You see, that gum had a fatal flaw. When it got hot, it actually became sticky. Poor Gary Jansen, Wrigley's son, was chosen to test out the new rompers made of gum, and he naturally ran out to play on a hot day. So when he came back, and his mommy Lorita Jansen picked him up to give him a hug, he stuck fast to his mommy. Took nearly a week for them to pry Gary off Lorita." said Jan.

 

"A week! Jan, that's disgusting!!! What did Lorita do when Gary had to, you know..." asked Nalia.

 

"Well, the first time Gary had to, I know... Lorita grabbed the closest thing she could reach...Her display plate of the finest Kuran Tur China. Poor lass, for the rest of her life, she would refer to that exquisite piece of Mung Dynasty porcelain as her 'Poo-Poo platter." said Jan.

 

"AAAGGGGHHH!!! I thought I told you, Jan, only one story per episode!" yelled Hellocthul.

 

The party reached the Mithrest inn, where Keldorn and Sir William spoke together. After their talk was finished, Hellocthul released Keldorn from his service, after Keldorn made her promise to call on him in a real emergency.

 

A Week Later (While the party is enroute to Spellhold):

 

Sir Keldorn and his beloved wife Maria were enjoying a quiet glass of wine together in the Five Flagon's Inn after an enjoyable performance of the "Pirates of Illmather" in the playhouse below. Keldorn was still humming the tune "I am the very model of a modern Thayvan Conjuror", a song he particularly liked since it reminded him of the very competant and able sorceress he traveled with for a short time. Sir Keldorn, of course was not in armor, but in a simple doublet and trews of blue, matching his wife's eyes.

 

"So my husband, is there any reason I should be jelous of that extremely beautiful and attractive girl you traveled with for a while?" asked Maria in a teasing and seductive voice.

 

"I fear not, beloved. Instead, I should be the one to be wary, since she would find you, my love, more attractive than I." teased Keldorn back.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen! The Five Flagon's Inn is pleased to present to you again the bard and actor Haer Dalis' and his new hit 'Lady Hellocthul'!" said Samuel Thunderburp, the proprietor of the inn.

 

"Oh good, a song about Lady Hellocthul. This should be interesting." said Maria.

 

"Brave Hellocthul ran away,

Bravely ran away away,

When danger reared its ugly head,

She bravely turned her tail and fled,

Brave Hellocthul turned about,

I guarenteed she'd chickened out..."

 

The song went for several more minutes, Sir Keldorn turning redder and redder. Maria got really alarmed as Sir Keldorn crushed the metal goblet containing his wine with his hand alone.

 

"Excuse me, my love, a small matter of justice needs my attention." Sir Keldorn stood up, took a very deep breath, and finally in control left the inn briefly. He returned with a pair of Amnish guardsmen, who promptly arrested the bard.

 

"What is the meaning of this! I demand to be released! I am a simple minstrel, a bard, a songmaker! What am I charged with?" Haer Dalis' demanded.

 

"Defamation of character and libel. You were there, Haer Dalis', and so was I. I seem to remember the events happening a little differently, and if my word isn't good enough for the courts, there are any number of witnesses who have seen Lady Viconia wearing her Red Dragon Plate armor." said Keldorn sternly.

 

Keldorn still looked glum as the snickering guardsmen led Haer Dalis' away.

 

"What is the matter, husband? That annoying bard will be thrown into the prison for a while, and that certainly should be enough punishment." asked Maria.

 

"Well, unfortunately, the penalties for libel in this city is rather lax. Unless the person libeled is a member of the nobility, a city councilman, or a knight in the noble orders, Haer Dalis' will only get a single day in a rather nice cell. I hardly call that punishment for impugning not only Lady Hellocthul's honor, but mine as well, since I was there. Since I was not mentioned in that awful song, I cannot file a protest to charge him with a greater penalty. He will be released tomorrow, and be free to sing that song to any who would listen." replied Keldorn.

 

"Oh really. Well, I happen to talk to Master Ribald at the Adventurer's Mart the other day, when I was shopping for some clothes for Vesper, and he told me about this adventurer with a most 'interesting' voice..." As Lady Maria kept talking, an evil grin appeared in Keldorn's face.

 

A few hours later, Haer Dalis' was wakened by a guard opening the door to his cell. The cell was actually somewhat nicer than Haer Dalis' lodgings in the slums. A guard led in the biggest half-orc Haer Dalis' had ever seen.

 

"Here ya go, yer annoying git. Your new cellmate." the guard said.

 

"Hello, mate. I'm Andorel, an adventurer. Pleased to meet you." said the half orc with an amiable grin.

 

Haer Dalis' relaxed, his new cellmate did not seem to be the type to strangle him with his bare hands in a fit of orcish rage.

 

"My name is Haer Dalis'. I am a bard."

 

"Oh really, I fancy having some talents as a singer meself, don't you know. In fact, I'll sing yer one of me favorite songs..." said Andorel.

 

"There once were two mages, fair and foul,

One was a noble, one a bloodcowl,

They cast a spell, by mistake,

Found they were bonded, couldn’t break..."

 

Haer Dalis' had never imagined a voice like Andorel's in his entire life. He was obviously badly tonedeaf, and his singing voice was simply the worst imaginable. Andorel was simply incapable of carrying any kind of tune, and his singing was sheer torture to a musician like Haer Dalis'. Within the first 15 minutes Haer was begging Andorel to stop. Andorel simply sang on. And unfortunately for Haer Dalis' Andorel did not seem to know any songs, and simply continued and continued singing the same song over and over and over again.

 

A few shadow thieves who happened by the government district that night speak of a hideous moan, a groan of the upmost pain coming from the Jail. Speculation ran thru the guild, from a captive banshee to some hideously fiendish torture device being tested on a poor victim by the cowled wizards.

 

The next morning a violently shaking and white Haer Dalis' was released. He never again sang the song "Lady Hellocthul". A grinning Andorel was released a few minutes after Haer Dalis' was released, with a sore throat, but grinning from ear to ear. A happy Sir Keldorn met him outside the jail and handed him a bulging bag of gold.

 

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(a few in-jokes from the attic mixed in. )

[Userunfriendly]

The party had been in non-stop fight mode for most of a fortnight. After killing an ancient and extremely powerful dragon, they dealt with the astral prison, and the good-bye of a valued and trusted friend. Even Viconia admitted she kinda missed Keldorn. Nobody really missed Haer.

 

As the party left Keldorn's estates to head for some liquid refreshments at Hendak's, they were approached by a little boy.

 

"Excuse me sir, are you Adventurers???" asked Delon, to Minsc.

 

The party had settled down at the Copper Coronet for good food and many, many drinks. The amount of tension that needed to be released had gotten really, really bad. The party needed to get drunk and not think about just how close they were to being killed by Firkraag, and the raving lunatic situation they found in the astral prison.

 

As the party settled down, took the weight off their aching feet, and prepared to order a huge meal, a dwarven warrior in full plate stumped up to them.

 

"Avast and wassail! I see ye be a right scallawag band of cutthroats and widow makers. I've a profitable proposal for ye." said the cheerful voice under the horned helm.

 

"And who might you be?" asked Hellocthul. The party had tensed for a second as the stranger came up, ready for trouble. The dwarf's cheerful tones and possible quest in his words made them relax a trifle, but they remained wary.

 

"Me name be Korgan Bloodaxe, and I recon by the looks of yer equipment and gear ye be a competent band of freebooters." said Korgan. When the party first entered the tavern, Korgan had noted the red dragon plate and the Kuran-Tur two sword rig. Unlike the wanna-be's and green amateurs who wanted to look "bad-ass" by buying platemail made to copy armor forged from the scales of a dragon, Viconia's armor was quite real. He could clearly see the growth striations and "banding" of real dragon scale, and unlike the pretend blademasters who wore two swords, only the real thing would wear a Kuran-Tur two sword harness. These be professional, unlike the other laughable "adventurers" he had seen in the tavern tonight. He wanted competent and experienced help in paying Shagbag back.

 

"Korgan Bloodaxe! A Bloodaxe, eh? Any relation to Killian Bloodaxe?" Hellocthul sat up straight and took immediate notice. This stranger could be a relative of her old and beloved weapons and tactics master.

 

"Aye, he's me nuncle on me muther's side. How does a long-limbed tree hugging elfie know the name of me uncle?" said Korgan with surprise.

 

A slow smile grew to a huge cheery grin on Hellocthul's face. She roughened her voice, and spoke in gruff and leathery tones. "A question? Yer blasted web-footed gnome with stilts! This will learn ye to bother me with yer sodding bleeding troll-shagging questions! Ten laps round yer keep! And mind ye keep yer elbows from flapping like a sodding chicken this time!"

 

"OY! You knows me uncle! That be 'im! How did ye know me nuncle? Last I 'erd he be doing his memoirs at a place called Candlekeep!" said Korgan, completely astonished.

 

"Well, here, pull up a chair, Korgan, and bring your tankard. Your uncle was my weapons and tactics master at Candlekeep." said Hellocthul with a smile. It really was a small world, she thought.

 

The rest of the evening was lost in a haze of ale fumes and very loud, drunken dwarven laughter. After Korgan detailed how his previous party tried to cheat him for a proper share of a commission for Lord Pimlico, the book collector, he was welcomed aboard the party in proper dwarven tradition...many tankards of strong dwarven ale. Hellocthul decided that they could take some time out tomorrow to help out Korgan with his little problem, then head out of the city to visit the Umar hills. It was obvious to her, with her experience with dwarves, that while the loss of the gold annoyed Korgan, he was really after payback on his former comrades.

 

The real highlight of the evening came when Korgan demonstrated his "spell". Things had progressed to the point where Hellocthul, Korgan, Minsc and Jan were seriously drunk, while the other girls and Yoshimo were pleasantly tipsy. Hellocthul had just told Korgan that there were two mages in the party, and herself, a sorceress and kensai. After muttering something about "bleeding third edition rules", he declared in a loud voice he too could cast a magic spell. He grabbed the candle from the table, held it behind his back, near his seat, bent at the waist, and let fly with a gigantic fart.

 

"Fire in the 'Ole!!!" he shouted with glee. A large and quite impressive fireball erupted out of his pants, and ignited the hair of a very handsome male elf who had approached the party table.

 

"Ah! Beautiful vision of elfin grace! A maiden shaped like a goddess! Come, let me relieve you of the burden of your chastity and initiate you into the mysteries of man and wom...AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! " Salavas screamed and ran out of the Copper Coronet, his hair and eyebrows charred and smoking.

 

A few minutes later, after Hellocthul finally managed to stop laughing, she asked "Who the frick was that?"

 

Nalia answered through her giggles and hiccups. "Its that elf gigolo, the one who thinks he's the gods' gift to all women? You remember, honey, he tried to pick you up the first day we met? The one you tossed out the door after kicking him in the urm...privates?"

 

"Korgy, me boyo, welcome aboard!"

 

The next morning, half the party woke up grumpy and hung over, while the other half woke up annoyingly chipper.

 

As they headed for the graveyard, they met a woman named Valen.

 

"Hello there, I've a fine bit of business to impart your way..." said a woman wearing a dark cloak with her hood drawn over her face.

 

"Let's see your face, and tell us your name first." said Jaheira. She felt her hackles tensing with warning.

 

The woman drew back her hood, revealing a very pale human woman with dark brown hair, and her neck covered by a black kerchief. "My name isn't important, though if you must know it is Valen. I ask you to meet with my mistress in the graveyards to hear her offer. Her words are wise and thoughtful, and I urge all speed lest you lose the opportunity to benefit from her counsel. Come to the tombs when the sun has set, for she will not be there, else." said Valen.

 

"Grab her!" muttered Hellocthul, in a voice too low for humans to hear. Viconia and Jaheira grabbed her arms in a flash, and a vicious rage flashed across Valen's face. Her snarl of animal fury made the other members of the party partially draw their weapons.

 

Hellocthul stepped up to her, and pressed a dagger to her neck. She ripped off the kerchief from the unmoving woman, revealing two puncture marks on her neck. She grabbed the cursing Valen by her hair, and forced it down, revealing a strange glyph tatooed behind her head.

 

"A vampire's pet and tool. See the glyph? It means that she is the property of a master vampire, and no other may harvest from her. A woman who willingly serves the undead in hopes that in time she too will join their ranks. Let her go, that she may report her complete failure and that she has revealed to us what her mistress is. Perhapse, my dear Valen, it might be wisest for you to flee the city entirely lest your mistress punish you for your incompetence." said Hellocthul in a disgusted and weary voice.

 

Valen took a step back, and sheer horror and terror flashed across her face. She ran away from the party, and a long wail of anguish and loss came from her.

 

"I wonder if she can flee in time. One can only hope." said Jaheira.

 

"Fear can lend wings even to the slowest. Pfeh! A lickspittle to the undead. I had not thought even surface scum could sink so low." said Viconia with distaste.

 

The party continued on, and were soon at the graveyard district. They found the entrace Korgan remembered, and were soon in the tunnel complex under the tombs and mausoleums on the surface. They encountered Pai'na in her lair, and a quick abi-dahzim's horrid wilting by Hellocthul disposed of her and the tamed spiders. Viconia emerged from the battle shaking and obviously furious over her display of weakness before the rest of the party. Hellocthul tossed her the spider figurine for summoning Khittix. Viconia tied the small jet statuette to her belt, pleased at being able to show she was already conquering her fear of Lolth's minions. Besides, she knew that Khittix served the mistress of the statue, and knew best the ways that an astral spider could be the most useful.

 

At the mosaic room, with the huge picture of some ancient wight on the floor, Jaheira's detect evil spell revealed the presense of dozens of undead, including the expected vampires. Korgan, Jaheira and Hellocthul took the front, as Viconia's turn undead ability instantly made some of the attacking undead turn on their fellows. Viconia's false dawn blinded most of the attacking mummys, skeleton warriors and vampires, and they were easily hewed down by swords, axes, and fire arrows and enchanted bolts. The party moved on to find the tomb Korgan has spoke of, empty and looted.

 

"OY! That cheating orc-shagging, troll-faced piece of &^$#@@%!!!" Korgan swore for over two minutes continuously, making Nalia blush several times. He then led them to the Pimlico estates in the temple district, where they found the corpse of the book collector, and the entire place looted of all valuables. Korgan then led the way to the Copper Coronet, where Shagbag and his toadies had a place. Along the way, Jan tried to cheer up the cursing and furious dwarf.

 

"Say, your worship (snicker) did I tell you about my cousin Sabaro Jansen? The transvestite pirate and mage? Poor laddie, he is something of a family misfit..." said Jan.

 

"A transvestite pirate and mage?" asked Nalia with a confused look.

 

Hellocthul muttered to Jaheira, "A member of the Jansens called a misfit by another Jansen. Now I am really getting scared." Jaheira nodded in agreement.

 

"Yes, you see not only is he a pirate who likes to wear ahem...garments that express his feminine side, I'm afraid he is something of an exhibitionist as well. And the devices he makes! Why, even though they are original and interesting in construction and power, he has a tendency to use voice and gesture triggers, of ahem...ahem...an embarressing nature. One wand he created that threw explosive soap bubbles in a spray was triggered by spintwirlbouncing and shouting 'Celestial Lunar Cosmic Moonbeam'. Not a single turnip reference anywhere, poor laddie. Anyhu, he is something of a sight, wearing this blue and white female sailor suit, and dark blue pleated short skirt, with his long blonde hair bound up in two rings of braids, one on either side of his head. I did mention before that gnomes don't have the legs to wear short skirts, didn't I?" asked Jan.

 

"Urm, urm, urm..." replied Hellocthul.

 

"So you can imagine the shock effect he has when his ship 'The Tuxedo Mask' pulls up to board another ship in the high seas. Finally, there is his exhibitionistic side. I did mention that, didn't I?" said Jan.

 

"Urm, urm, urm..." said Nalia.

 

"Well, I'm afraid the poor laddie likes to drop his underwear, and flip up the back of his skirt to show his backside to the enemy. That's how he got his nickname you see. He's the one called Sailor Moon." said Jan.

 

"OY! Does 'e do that often?" Korgan asked in a low voice.

 

"Every chance he gets, I'm afraid." said Hellocthul, trying to shake the image out of her head.

 

The party arrived at Shagbag's digs atop the Copper Coronet. Soon Korgan's gleeful warcries and shouts of "OY!!" filled the air as Shagbag's hired scum were put down.

 

Korgan was happily counting the loot they took from Shagbag. And occasionally patting his new enchanted throwing axe that Hellocthul had issued him, with which he chopped Shagbag's head clean off. After the loot was counted and tucked away in their packs, the party headed for their digs at the Inn of the Seven Vales to pick up their camping gear, and after a quick celebratory shopping trip to the Adventurer's Mart, to head for the stables. Hellocthul kept the book of Kaza they looted, since it was written in Arcane Nethril, a language only she had any hope of deciphering.

 

"OY! A dwarven thrower! Look at the runes to Clangeddin and the Soul Forger himself on the handle! This would make a fine weapon to use against giants and golems..." said Korgan, holding up an enchanted hammer with a hopeful look in his eye.

 

Jaheira spoke up. "You did say, child, that we have been running into a lot of golems lately? There were those at De' Arnise, and the ones in the Windspear hills. An enchanted throwing hammer would have been very useful indeed."

 

"Nally, hon, how much gold have we got?" asked Hellocthul.

 

"Urm, 25 and change." said Nalia.

 

"Ok, Korgy. Let's hope the Umar job pays well. Jae and I think we should shoot for around 30 thousand before we head off to visit Aran Linvale. We only need 20, but we probably will need some gold in case we have to bribe people. Not everything can be solved with a 'skullbreaker' to the noggin." said Hellocthul with a grin. Korgan looked offended, and was about to start protesting, but simply clutched his new hammer possessively.

 

Korgan went over to the target stands set up in the Adventurer's Mart in the back, while Nalia was looking over the helms on the floor display. She found a dusty and rather beat up old helm, that glowed brightly to her mage sight, just as Korgan wound up his arm, and let fly with his hammer.

 

"OY!!! %$#@*&^!!!" screamed Korgan as the hammer grabbed him by the arm, threw him across the room! His flailing arms deflected his trajectory, so instead of hitting the target with his helm, his horned helmet and head conked the refuse barrel sitting next to the target dummys lining the wall. With a massive crash, the thrown dwarf smashed the barrel, and knocked himself out cold.

 

When Korgan woke up, he found Viconia administering a healing spell on him, while an apologetic Ribaud was shooting dirty looks at an embarressed Deirdre, who was suppose to detect any cursed items brought in by adventurers into the Mart. The rest of the party were still giggling. Korgan spat out the skeleton and head of a fish out of his mouth, and exclaimed "Wot the hell is a fish-head be doing in me mouth? And where's me hammer???!!!"

 

Hellocthul grinned suddenly, and tried to control herself. Giving up as a lost cause, she started singing.

 

"Fish-heads, fish-heads, roly-poly fish-heads!" sang Hellocthul with laughter in her voice.

 

"Fish-heads, fish-heads, eat them up, YUM!" finished Nalia, who then collapsed in a giggle fit.

 

"Sorry, Korgan, that dwarven thrower was an ELVEN dwarven thrower. A cursed weapon, made by elves to look like it was forged by dwarves, but instead of being an enchanted throwing hammer for dwarves, it throws the dwarf at the target. Sorry, Korgy." said Hellocthul as she helped the still dazed Korgan get off the floor.

 

As they left the Adventurer's Mart, Nalia grabbed his horned helm off Korgan's head, and clapped a different helm she had bought on the depressed berserker's head.

 

"Look, Korgan, I did found something for you! A helm of simulacrium! It was lying among substandard and broken gear in the bargin bins! Nobody had thought to check it under a powerful identify spell!" The helm fit perfectly, and Nalia pressed a small stud set on the helm's forehead.

 

An exact duplicate of Korgan appeared next to him, with a glowing letter "S" on the forehead. As the still dazed dwarf looked at his exact double, it bent it's head, took a sniff at the original Korgan's beard, and spoke.

 

"Me bleeding beard stinks of fish! Wot the sodding 'ell did ye have to pick up a stinkin' tree-hugger cursed weapon for? Did yer brains boil out of yer ears from days of drinking the swill they sell at the Coronet? And yer momma dresses yer funny!" said the duplicate Korgan.

 

The next few minutes Minsc and Yoshimo held the duplicate apart from the real Korgan, who was restrained by Hellocthul and Jaheira. Both were swearing up a storm, and inbetween the cursing and death threats they shouted at each other, they were trying to use their weapons on each other. Fortunately, after a few minutes, the duplicate popped out of existance.

 

"WHEW! I think, Korgan, you'd better use that helm only in combat, when you and your double have someone or something to whack. And the Umar Hills seems to be full of whackables." said Hellocthul with a grin.

 

"Aye! Lassie, that be the most obnoxious and antagonistic oaf I've met in a long time." said Korgan cheerfully. A little rough-house, and the prospect of bashing something seemed to brighten his mood tremendously.

 

"Urm, Korgan, that was your exact double, you know..." said Nalia in a small voice.

 

Hellocthul with an impish grin covered her mouth with her lips, and Nalia completely forgot what she was going to say.

 

"Urm..." began Jaheira.

 

"Children, breathe!" said the rest of the party in a chorus.

[Userunfriendly]

As the party headed up to the two snake pass, the weather got steadily worse. Hellocthul really began to worry about the horses breaking a leg in the slippery mud and treacherous footing caused by the torrential downpours that made travelling a royal pain in the butt (the fact that they were spending at least 8 hours a day on the saddle made it more descriptive than one might wish for). And even though the high quality tents Jae had purchased months ago were enchanted to repell water, travelling during the day was dangerous and uncomfortable. Hellocthul finally decided to stop at the Inn at the End of the World at the foot of the Umar Hills.

 

"Well, it looks like the seasonal rains began a full month early, hon. These rains will most likely last another week. And the trails to get over to the other side won't be safe for another week after that. They get washed out every year." said Nalia with a sigh.

 

Hellocthul looked at the crowded common room, and hoped they could get room and board in the busy inn. They got lucky, or maybe it was due to a scowling Korgan and Jaheira. They were able to rent two rooms on the second floor. They were all just able to fit, and going stir-crazy was a distinct possibility during the next two weeks. Fortunately, everyone was a seasoned adventurer, and everyone understood that sometimes waiting for long periods of time was a part of the profession. This did not however prevent them from "playing" and raising merry hell while they were rained in.

 

"Smash the plates and rip the drapes, that's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" Korgan had summoned up his simulacrum, as only Hellocthul knew the ancient, time worn dwarven drinking songs. The two Korgans had their arms around each other's shoulders, both holding huge tankards of strong dwarven ale while roaring out the words. Hellocthul had joined him earlier, after her workout with his twin axes in the partially covered courtyard. They had a few tankards, and Hellocthul begged off, since she was taking advantage of the downtime to spend her days working on the book of Kaza that they had recovered. And being drunk as a dwarf was not the best approach to serious scholarship. Korgan had naturally roared his disapproval, since he mostly spent his time drinking. The Inn at the End of the World had an extensive and varied cellar, since the most important days of the year was during the seasonal rains, when the inn could expect several trading caravans to lodge there for weeks, waiting until the passes cleared. Naturally the favorite past-time of mercenary guards during the off hours was drinking themselves into a stupor. Thus to Hellocthul's amusement, Korgan fit right into the atmosphere of the common room of the Inn, in fact he wasn't even the loudest or most drunk. That distiction fell to the trio off in the corner...

 

"Hey, you fat ass, stop hogging all the pork rinds!"

 

"I'm not fat, you ^%$#@!! I'm just big boned!"

 

"Mmmmephhh-grrrhaafhhhh..."

 

"Shut your mouth Kenny! I'll talk any damned way I want, you homeless piece of *&%$!"

 

"WHAM!"

 

"Oh my gods, you killed Kenny! You bastard!"

 

"Shut up Kyle! I am a paladin! So I can raise the dead!"

 

"ZAP!"

 

"Mmmmmphhhehhhehhewww-kkkrraatkkkkchhkkk..."

 

"I know Kenny, every week Cartman kills you and resurrects you. Kinda gets old, but what do you expect from a big fat *&%$#!!!"

 

"Why you little Shadowdale %$#@!!! You take that back! And that is Sir Cartman!!!"

 

Hellocthul and Nalia were off in the room they shared with Jaheira and Viconia, reading. Hellocthul had her face screwed up in concentration, as she carefully made notes from the Book of Kaza she had open next to her. Nalia was enjoying a much lighter fare, as her occasional giggles and smothered laughter showed. Jaheira was carefully mending her armor, and writing the party journal. She recognized the concentrated and focused look on Hellocthul's face, and knew that it meant that she was in deep scholar focus, and that she was in charge. They all jumped up at the sound of furniture breaking, shouts and screams, and ran downstairs, fearing that Korgan or Minsc had gone on a rampage.

 

When they reached the common room, they found that everything was peaceful. The inn was quite used to barfights and brawls by its guests, confined indoors while the seasonal rains slowly drove mercenaries and fighters stir crazy. Not only were all the "servers" quite brawny ex-adventurers and mercenaries, they were equipped with a wide range of non-lethal weapons and disabling spell scrolls. So as the three arrived at the common room, all they saw was a large pile of human, half orc and elven bodies snoring even louder than the original ruckas that made the 3 girls rush downstairs. Finding out to their relief (and surprise) that Korgan, Minsc, Yoshimo and Jan were not in trouble, they headed back upstairs.

 

Hellocthul picked up the book that made Nalia laugh and giggle.

 

"Hey! Its J.K Jansen! I thought she quit writing a long time ago! Its Matthew Muggs and the Order of the Turkey! The last book I had read was Matthew Muggs and the Chamber of Servers. Wow, I remember loving her books so much when I was younger. I mean they were written for kids, but I still enjoyed them." said Hellocthul, picking up the travel worn and much thumbed thru volume.

 

"Gosh, you like her books too? I love her books!" enthused Nalia.

 

"Urm, children, who is J.K. Jansen? Another Jansen? I swear..." said Jaheira in exasperation.

 

"Oh, no, Jae. She's a cracking good author, she writes these books that are for children, but are so good even adults can enjoy them. Its about a muggle, that's a person with no magical ability what so ever, being being raised by a family of mages. On his eleventh birthday, he recieves an invitation to the Cuppertino School of Techno-Nerds! He finds out he is a techno-weenie, and he was born to wield technology instead of magic! His friend Haggis, and Ron Weasel and Hermione Grapefruit are all budding techno-geeks, and they have many adventures. Matthew becomes center in the basketball team, that's a muggle game, no magic. He is special and famous because he is the only survivor of a vicious virus attack by the Dark Lord BillGates! He even bears a tiny scar on his forehead...a scar in the shape of an apple, with a bite taken out of it. He has his own slide rule, with wierd technological powers, like clapping and turning torches off and on, or making meals instantly, using a special box..." said Nalia all in a rush.

 

"Urm...so her books are fantasy, right? Hard to imagine a world where things can be done without magic." said Jaheira. She looked in alarm as Hellocthul suddenly rubbed her eyes with her hand, and closed them and leaned back against the sofa she was sitting on, with her face twisted.

 

"Honey, are you Ok?" asked Nalia in concern.

 

"I just need to rest my eyes for a while, this book is really hard going. Not only is it in arcane netheril, but its been encrypted. I have a blinding headache." said Hellocthul with a grimace. Nalia shifted her position, and slowly began to massage her girlfriend's temples and neck. "Oh...that feels so much better..."

 

"What on toril are you spending so much time on? We recognize that look, but I think we've been patient enough. Why is that book so important to you? You've literally spent every waking moment on that book, excepting excersize and meals." said Jaheira in exasperation.

 

"Well, it is an unexpunged, uncensored copy of the Cheese Guide by the mad lich Userunfriendly." said Hellocthul simply.

 

"Unexpunged? That's impossible! The last copies were burned three hundred years ago! Oh my gosh! Such a book would be priceless!" said Nalia breathlessly.

 

"The Cheese Guide? That volume you bought in Beregost for thousands in gold? I remember being most upset with you, for what seemed like a reckless waste of money, but when you gave it to me to read, I discovered you were ri...ri...rrrrrrr....aagghhhhh!" said Jaheira, her face straining with effort as she tried to get a word out of her mouth.

 

"Right? Is that what you were trying to say, Jae?" asked Nalia with a twinkle in her eye. Her strong, knowing fingers kept rubbing Hellocthul's neck, and she could feel her muscles relaxing.

 

"Anyhu, child, we've already read that book many times, and I daresay, we know it by heart." rushed Jaheira, trying to quickly change the subject.

 

"About 300 years ago, a few years after some adventurers recovered the Cheese Guide from an ancient Dragon's lair, the stupid, barbaric and uncivilized Order of the Knights of Helm gathered all existing copies and burned them. They claimed the book was 'irrelevent' and 'unfair' and 'heretical to the Balance'. The only surviving copies are the ones which were heavily censored of all 'unfair' material prepared by the scribes of Helm. This copy is unedited and uncensored. And a complete eye opener." Hellocthul said, as she leaned back against Nalia, enjoying the sensation of her lover's fingers rubbing her neck and temple.

 

"I see. Just how much material did the Helmites cut from the original?" asked Jaheira. Almost despite herself, she was reading intently Hellocthul's crabbed and tiny notes.

 

"I'd say about two-thirds. For example, the section I was working on right now was about liches. Remember that lich we faced in the Unseeing Eye? The lich casted teleportation field and teleported you and Yoshimo and Jan right in front of it, and we got lucky because my remove magic was able to drop its protections before it finished casting spell immunity abjuration. Other wise its next spell would have killed half the party! The guide says that spell immunity alteration makes a mage invulnerable to teleport field! All we need to do is to buy some spell immunity scrolls from the Adventurer's Mart, and all three of you will be protected!" said Hellocthul with her eyes closed.

 

"Urm, love, Yoshimo isn't a mage, so he can't cast spells." said Nalia hesitantly.

 

Hellocthul opened her eyes, gave Nalia a lingering kiss in thanks, and went to her pack. She pulled out a scroll of web, and a potion of healing, and went to Jaheira. "Jae, close your eyes, and drink this potion." said Hellocthul with a grin.

 

"What on toril are you playing at, child?" asked Jaheira in exasperation. She closed her eyes, and raised the small glass flask to her lips. Hellocthul deftly switched the potion bottle for the spell scroll, and Jae's eyes popped open as she felt the potion bottle snatched from her hands. She saw the scroll, and to Nalia's complete amazement, her mouth began to read and speak the arcane syllables of the scroll!

 

A boil of web spells erupted from Jaheira's hands, and their room was suddenly covered with sticky and strong web strands. Jaheira and Nalia were completely astonished.

 

"But I am a druid! I cannot cast arcane spells, only the divine ones!" Jaheira wanted to get up and pace and fret, but the sticky and strong web strands held her to her chair.

 

"Potion swapping! Anyone can cast a spell from a scroll, without magical talent, if you simply swap a potion they are trying to drink! Now I grabbed a web spell just to show you, but imagine if we could find some spell sequencer scrolls. Jae could hit a powerful mage with a triple insect swarm! And in a few months, when Jae should be able to cast the highest level of druid spells, we could use a scroll of spell trigger, or even chain contingency! And Viccy could do the same. Now you know why I've been so intent on that book." said Hellocthul. As the three of them waited for the webs to disappear, Hellocthul and Nalia took advantage of being webbed together to do some fairly intense kissing.

 

"Urm...Lady Hellocthul, is everything all right?" said a voice from behind the door. They saw the knob turn and shift slightly, as someone tried to open the door to the room, currently stuck in place by sticky webbing.

 

"Gher? Sorry about the door, it will be free in just a few seconds. I was showing Jae and Nally a trick of magic." said Hellocthul, with a grin. As the web finally disappeared, the adopted teenage son of the couple who owned the Inn at the End of the World entered. He had a stack of towels in his hands, and when he saw Hellocthul and Nalia in a deep clinch, he blushed. He busied himself changing the towels by the wash basin in the room.

 

"How are Korgan, Minsc and Yoshimo, Gher?" asked Jaheira. All 3 girls liked Gher, they found his honesty and intelligence quite charming.

 

"Well, like the rest of the bunch downstairs, they'll be sleeping it off for a few hours, until the spell Dweia hit them with wears off. As for the bunch that started the fight, Master Althalus had them moved into the drunk tank. They'll be locked in there for about a day, to sober up and to think about causing any more trouble. Dweia says dinner will be in about 3 hours. Its grilled fresh trout tonite."

 

"Ummm...you know, this inn sure serves a lot of fish for meals. But Dweia is such a good cook, I don't mind at all!" said Nalia.

 

"Say, Gher, do you know where our friend Viconia is? We hardly ever seem to see her in our rooms..." asked Jaheira. Gher blushed intensely.

 

"Well, she's been spending a lot of time with that half-elven mercenary from Tethyr. I think his name is Karas, or something like that. They mostly keep to his room, and the door is closed all the time." said Gher with a rush. All three girls grinned. They all knew where Vico was, of course, but they really loved teasing Gher and making him blush. Gher had just celebrated his 15th birthday, and he was at that awkward age when a boy began to seriously notice the difference between "girl-people" and "boy-people". Nalia and Hellocthul particularly enjoyed giving him "displays" of affection that usually left him tongue-tied and blushing.

 

When the girls came downstairs several hours later, they found the rest of the party awake and hungry. Viconia was seated at a small table with her new toy, and a most attentive and alert looking Karas was serving Viconia her meal, while she looked on with ladylike disdain. Obviously they were both enjoying themselves immensely, as Hellocthul saw Karas turn away from Viconia, with a huge grin on his face. The girls liked Karas, with his gentleness and quiet strength, but his committments in Amn precluded his joining the party for the next few months. Karas was good for Viconia, and Hellocthul half expected Viconia to ask to leave the party to join him in his assignments. As usual, at their table, Jan was talking.

 

"Well, you know, my nephew Bernstein Jansen and his friend Woodrow Fentan finally broke the story of Waterdoor to the community. Richard Noxon ended up impeached of the high office of Mayor of Twin Falls, and as the baliffs were dragging him away, he kept shouting 'I am NOT a Took! I am NOT a Took!' even though the evidence showed he was indeed a hobbit...I mean a halfling. Bernstein never discovered who their secret informant was...they called him 'Deep Stoat' from then on, as the informant, who they never managed to see his face, always sounded like a rodent was in his pants. Well, anyhu, that's the story of how my nephew became the first gnomish reporter for the Amnish Times." said Jan.

 

"OY! That's not a proper story! E're be the blood, the guts, and the yards of entrails? Aye! A proper story needs buckets o' blood and a fine bunch of 'illing and screaming 'nd a wailing as people are slipping and sliding on body bits on the ground." said Korgan with a huge quaff from his tankard.

 

"Aye! Like the story of Red Killian of the Black Hills!" said Hellocthul with a broad grin as she sat down the party's table.

 

"Aye! That be a proper story! One fine day, a bunch of longlimbs sent an army to invade the Black Hills near Shadowdale, ancient and traditional dwarven territory. Well, this here regiment was marching, and headed tword the human outpost to reinforce it, when out stepped this dwarf in full fighting armor from the woods on top of the hill they 'ere headed fer. He roared..."

 

"My name be Red Killian of the Black Hills! Yer long-limbed panties! Send up yer best man to face me in combat!" replied Hellocthul. "So the commander says to the adjutant, send up yer best mon, I want that dwarf's 'ead!"

 

"So the adjutant of the Regiment sent up his brawniest and bravest warrior, and as 'e reached the woods on top of the hill, 'ey heard a screaming and a 'ollering, and soon with a 'thump, twomp, thumppity' sound, bits of the longlimb began to roll down the hill. Red Killian steps out, covered in gore, and roars 'I be Red Killian of the Black Hills! Send up yer best squad!' So the commander says..."

 

"Adjutant! Send up yer best squad! I want that dwarf's ead! So the best squad goes running up the hill, and soon there comes this a screaming and more 'ollering and with a 'twomp, thummmpyty thump-thump sound the bits of the squad comes a rolling down the hill. Then Red Killian steps out of the woods again, and roars..."

 

"'I be Red Killian of the Black Hills! Send up yer best company, ye gutless useless longlimbed gnomes!' Now that really ticked off the commander, so he turns to the adjutant and orders him to send up his best company. A few minutes later, bits 'o the company comes rolling down the hill, with a 'twommmmmmpyyyty thummmmmppp...thummmmppyty' the pieces of the company comes rolling down the hill. Then the commander takes his helm off his head, throws it at the ground, and as Red Killian steps out from behind the tree, and roars..."

 

"I be Red Killian of these here Black Hills! Send up yer whole stinking useless army, yer long limbed galoots!!! I be just getting warmed up now! So the adjutant leads the rest of the army up the hill, and after a while, the commander hears this really loud thumping sound, as bits and pieces of the army comes rolling down the hill. The adjutant comes screaming and running down the hill, and he says.."

 

"Run sir!!! Run sir!!! Its an ambush, there's two of them!" finished Hellocthul, and both she and Korgan roared their laughter. The rest of the party looked on in puzzlement, as they tried to assimilate their first taste of dwarvish storytelling. Nalia got up from her chair with a puckish grin on her face, and sat down on Hellocthul's lap. She playfully pinched Hellocthul's chin, and tugged on the nearly invisible tiny hairs on her chin.

 

"My lover is a dwarf! Why didn't you tell me you were a dwarf, honey? And where is your beard? Did you shave it off?" Korgan looked shocked and horrified, to everyone's amazement.

 

Hellocthul grabbed her napkin, and tied it around her head. "Will this do?" said Hellocthul with a huge smile.

 

Nalia grabbed the napkin, and pretended to tug on Hellocthul's "beard".

 

Jaheira slapped her forhead with her hand and muttered something about "getting a firehose for those children."

 

Dinner served at that moment, and everyone forgot about playing as they tucked into Lady Dweia's wonderful cooking.