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Naughty Bits (short stories and songs)


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This is where I am going to post my extensive selection of mind-numbing, insanity causing, gag-inducing short stories and songs...





Ok, here is a really EVIL offering from me...    


first, go here...




and watch Britney Spear's new music video "Toxic"...


sorry, but it is necessary to understand the sick, utterly demented and incredibly evil story to follow....Bwahahhahahahhaah!!!!!


Ok, watch the video...




Baby, can’t you see

I’m calling,

A root like you

Should wear a warning

It’s dangerous

I’m fallin’


There’s no escape

I can’t hide

I need a bite

Baby, give me it

You’re dangerous

I’m lovin’ it


Too high

Can’t come down

Losing my head

Spinning ‘round and ‘round

Hear that crunch now


With a taste on my lips

I’m on a ride

You’re TURNIP!

I’m slipping under

With a taste of veggie paradise

I’m addicted to you

Don’t you know that you’re TURNIP!

And I love what you do

Don’t you know that you’re TURNIP!


It’s getting late

To give you up

I took a bite

From my veggie cup


It’s taking over me


Too high

Can’t come down

It’s in the air

And it’s all around

Hear that crunch now


With a taste on my lips

I’m on a ride

You’re TURNIP!

I’m slipping under

With a taste of veggie paradise

I’m addicted to you

Don’t you know that you’re TURNIP!

And I love what you do

Don’t you know that you’re TURNIP!


Don't you know that you're TURNIP!


With a taste on my lips

I’m on a ride

You’re TURNIP!

I’m slipping under

With a taste of veggie paradise

I’m addicted to you

Don’t you know that you’re TURNIP!


Intoxicate me now

With your crunch now

I think I'm ready now

I think I'm ready now

Intoxicate me now

With your crunch now

I'm ready now


"Whew!!! Its hot in here!" said Britney Spears as she fanned herself under the hot glaring lights of the production set. The young blonde hunk who had been so assiduously french kissing Britney pulled off the last of the geeky middle aged man mask. Britney reached into the cooler, and grabbing a can of Diet Pepsi, popped the top and took a deep drink.


"Excuse me, Ms. Spears, I thought the song I was hired on for was called 'Toxic'"? asked the young scandinavian model with a puzzled tone.


"Well, we decided to change the lyrics just before the shoot." said Britney with a perky toss of her blonde hair. The young man shrugged. *No, it couldn't be!* he thought to himself.


"Urm...Ms. Spears, do you have another drink?" asked the young blonde hunk as he saw Britney Spears sipping on a Pepsi. She reached into the communal cooler, and handed him a can.


"Thank you very much...this isn't regular pepsi..." said the young blonde hunk as he took a deep gulp of the beverage. Britney grinned, and grabbing an invisible zipper mounted on the top of the can pulled it down, to reveal the real can.


"Its actually Pepsi Twist!" said Britney with a grin. The can's sides peeled away to reveal "Pepsi Twist" emblazoned on the aluminum can, covered with dewy condensation.


"Pepsi Twist?" said the young blonde hunk. He grinned suddenly, and he reached up to the top of his head, and pulled on a zipper, and as the two halves of his all body mask peeled away, under it gibberlings3.netgibberlings3.netgibberlings3.netwas revealed a sandy haired young man, with a full beard and moustache.


"And I'm not a blonde kickboxer from Denmark named Jorg, I'm actually Anomen Delryn, Knight of Helm!" said the former Jorg. He gave his trademark brilliant smile, pealy teeth flashing and grinned at the very surprised pop singer. His smile faltered as Britney laughed delightedly.


"And I'm not Britney Spears..." said Britney Spears. She reached up, pulled at a zipper mounted on the top of the head. Her exterior body peeled away to reveal a short, plump gnome, with a full beard, moustache, bulging eyes and a puckish grin.


"I'm Jan Jansen!!!" said Jan.




ah, yes...the sound of dozens of readers screaming and clawing at their eyes...sweet music...

:D  :D  :D

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A Very Viconia Solstice!


On the twelfth day of Solstice,

my dark love sent to me

Twelve jaluks a-drumming,

Eleven spiders a-chirping,

Ten slaves a-cringing,

Nine illithid a-flaying,

Eight victims a-moaning,

Seven gith a-searching,

Six sahuagin a-swimming,

Five spider flails,

Four screaming driders,

Three tentacle rods,

Two matron mothers,

And a Drow Priestess in leather bondage gear!

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Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers!


Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers,

don't let 'em pick long swords and wear them smelly armors

make 'em be merchants and farmers and such


Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers

cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone

even with a party they trust


An adventurer ain't easy to love

And when he hands you his laundry

you'll take it to a foundry

'cause scrubbing don't work on full plate

Magic Girdles and Travel stained robes

you're left with slim pickin'

a bejuril stuffed chicken

and an empty grave for your tears


An adventurer loves smokey ole bars

And murky, half-rumors

giant brains that look like tumors

found in the dank and gloomy underdark

An adventurer will be gone all the time,

when it comes time for weddings, or funerals and such

if he's home he'll be hobbling around in a crutch!



Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers,

don't let 'em pick long swords and wear them smelly armors

make 'em be merchants and farmers and such


Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers

cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone

even with a party they trust

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"Ten Little Bhaalspawn"




The Tenth Little Bhaalspawn went to work in a mine


Saravok met Gorion's Ward, And Then There Were Nine




The Ninth Little Bhaalspawn knew nothing of her fate


Imoen cast a spell, And Then There Were Eight




Eighth Little Bhaalspawn, Good Heaven!!!


Viekaag went POOF!!! And Then There Were Seven




Seventh Little Bhaalspawn hanging at Old Nick's


They met Saravok in hell, And Then There Were Six




Sixth Little Bhaalspawn, Illasera arrived,


She was a total wuss, And Then There Were Five




Fifth Little Bhaalspawn, left open a back door,


Grominir was careless, And Then There Were Four




Fourth Little Bhaalspawn trusted Nyalee


Foolish Yaga-Shura, And Then There Were Three




Third Little Bhaalspawn we bid you adieu


Good-bye, Sendai, And Then There Were Two




Second Little Bhaalspawn wanted the cycle undone


Balthazar attacked, And Then There Was One




one Little Bhaalspawn believed dragons couldn't be outdone


Abazigal learned his lesson and Then There Was None



The Child and Melissan met at the throne,

She believed her destiny was writ in stone,

She summoned the Five, their defeat to atone,

The Child prevailed, and walked away alone.

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Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!


Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!

Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!


From the Jansen's lab come forth each week

The pallid monsters of which we speak

Except when he has to take a leak!


Turnips, Turnips!


Oh, isn't it pityticing

Turnips eating the city

Can no-one stop these mutant veggies

Gnomes keep hiding behind the heggies!

Can Jan ever stop those idiotic stories?


"Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips! Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!

They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you

They'll grab a gnome by the legs

And bite his head off, OH SMEG!

They're marching down the slums

Grabbing gnomish children, pappys and mums

They're pallid, pale, hairy, scary

Crunchy to the core

They're standing just outside your door!

Remember my cousin Beloo

While using his outdoor loo

He turned around and he did see

Turnips hiding in his tree

Now he's just a memory!

I know I'm going to miss him

A turnip bit my sister once

Athkatla today was lost

They're marching on Beregost

The Turnips are on their way!


Jan woke up screaming in pure terror. The rest of the party jumped up out of their bedrolls, weapons ready, while the last watch rapidly scanned the surrounding woods for any hint of danger. After everyone looked at Jan, saw him covered in cold sweat, and trembling violently, they realized he had a nightmare, and stood down.


Aerie grabbed him in a hug, and asked quietly in a gentle voice what was the matter. After everyone heard his stammering description of a dream where giant mutated vegetables had come to eat him, while singing an evil song, laughter filled the clearing where the party had settled down for the night.


Aerie moved her bedroll closer to Jan while he settled down back to sleep.The next day, Aerie was astonished to find Jan awake and munching on two turnips at once, each hand clenched around the leafy stalk.


"Urm, Jan, I'd thought you wouldn't be able to look at another turnip for a while, after last night's dream???" she enquired.


"Pre-emeptive strike, my dear child!" he mumbled around a mouth full of the crunchy veggie.


Of course, the party didn't find it nearly as funny the next week when they visited the Jansen home in the slums and had an encounter with the Turnip Golem...

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Bodhi got run over by some Jansens


Bodhi got run over by some Jansens

Walking home to the Grave Yard on Solstice eve.

You can say Jansens are pretty harmless,

But as for me and Valen, we believe.


She'd been drinkin' one too many peasants,

And we'd begged her not to go.

But she'd left behind her favorite thumscrews,

So she stumbled out the door into the snow.


When they found her Solstice mornin',

At the scene of the attack.

There were size 3 footprints on her forehead,

And incriminatin' turnip greens laid on her back.


Bodhi got run over by some Jansens

Walking home to the Grave Yard on Solstice eve.

You can say Jansens are pretty harmless,

But as for me and Valen, we believe..


Now were all so proud of Jonny,

He's been takin' this so very well.

See him in there torturing Bhaalspawn,

Making speeches while Imoen slips out of her cell.


It's just not Solstice without Bodhi.

Her outfits gave us such a giggle.

That outfit made of leather straps made us snicker,

though the guys eyed every shake and jiggle.


Bodhi got run over by some Jansens

Walking home to the Grave Yard on Solstice eve.

You can say Jansens are pretty harmless,

But as for me and Valen, we believe.


I've warned all my friends and my sire.

Those gnomes are dangerous in a pack.

And never ever drop your guard on any midgets,

that start with "This reminds me way back..."


Bodhi got run over by some Jansens

Walking home to the Grave Yard on Solstice eve.

You can say Jansens are pretty harmless,

But as for me and Valen, we believe.

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HamsterBall Z, or Boo's Excellent Adventure!


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...


"Kelsey welsey pooh-bear, I love you...you're such a honey, such a devoted husband and soon to be father. I'm sure that I'm the luckiest girl in Faerun to have such a devoted cuddle-bunny...NOW WHERE IS MY KIPPERS WITH MAPLE SYRUP!!!" Imoen's voice rose to a scream as Kelsey answered the door. The look of fatuitous adoration on Kelsey's face was abruptly replaced by sheer terror, as the poor sorceror picked up the steaming plate of fish and sweet syrup and rushed to the bedroom. Hellocthul, Jan, Minsc and Nalia let themselves in to the sitting room of the Planar Sphere. Jan was giggling as Nalia shot him a dirty look, and rushed to comfort Imoen.


Imoen was pregnant as a pelican as she lay back in her bed, with Nalia busy rubbing her swollen feet. She was busy shoveling the dish of sweet and salty fish as her face lit up at seeing her sister. Poor Kelsey had collapsed in a corner, still wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron around his waist. Hellocthul reached over and lifted Kelsey to his feet. He shot her a grateful look as he went back to the kitchen, in an attempt to pre-emptively prepare for Imoen's next craving attack.


Soon the impromptu gathering was punctuated by Imoen's cheerful laugh, as Hellocthul revealed the huge hamper full of gifts for the expectant couple. Jan was slightly disappointed as his gift of a box of turnip skin nappies for the newborn were consumed by the mother-to-be with a pot of chocholate sauce, before he could speak out and correct the mistake. He somehow kept from blurting out the truth, (albeit with bulging eyes at the sight of Imoen devouring the veggy diapers covered in the sticky sweet concoction) and embaressing the blissfully chewing Imoen, and was rewarded with a grateful smile from Kelsey as Jan's gift staved off the hunger pangs for an hour or two.


While the party was in full swing, the crystal dome (in the map room) that served as combination Tele-Scry viewer, and Weave-net access beeped to indicate an incoming call. Kelsey answered it, and disconnected it immediately.


"Telemarketers! I don't think we need the 'Dummy's Guide to Simple Magic Spells.'" said Kelsey with a snort. They all had a good giggle about that.


As the party continued, and everyone caught up in each other's lives, the unattended Tele-Scry viewer gradually shifted into screen saver mode, and several rows of incredibly cute and adorable hamsters appeared on the screen, complete with tiny miniature outfits, like a maid, a fighter, (so cute in its tiny shining armor) and a robed cleric. The hamsters began to bob up and down, and started singing.


"Dee-de-ba-de-dull-dull-Da-dee-ba-deeda-dum! (Let's go!)" as the incredibly cute and adorable hamsters began to sing and dance, Boo jumped out of Minsc's pocket, and pressed his tiny nose and whiskers to the glass, and began to sway in time to the music. As the cuddly hamsters danced, everyone was delighted to see Boo enjoying himself. As the song ended, Boo suddenly froze and gave a tiny, (and endearing) yet ferocious snarl of rodent outrage and fury.


"Dee-ba-deeda-dum! Squeeeeek-Eeeeek!" As the hamsters squeeked at the end of the song, and Boo literally began to shake himself in tiny and furry anger, a bewildered and anxious Minsc picked up his little companion, and held him up to his ear to hear Boo's squeeks.


"Boo says that these hamsters are ENSLAVED! He says when they squeeked at the end of the song, they were piteously crying out for help and rescue!!! These poor hamsters say they were fed mindcontrol drugs, and made to perform songs, and if their singing is bad, they are TORTURED!!! We must rescue these poor helpless hamsters!" Minsc stood up, and grabbed Lilacor.


"Whoa, there, big fella. First of all, sit down, Minsc. If we are going to rescue Boo's friends, we have to plan this out. We first have to figure out where they are, then we have to get over there and scout the place out. We can't just go off on a rampage." said Hellocthul reasonably.


"OH!!! You will help? Of course Hellocthul will help Minsc and Boo rescue cuddly and fluffy enslaved hamsters! Minsc was not thinking, Minsc should have asked Boo what to do!" the big ranger sat down with a sheepish grin, and Boo twitched his whiskers in agreement and approval.


"Urm...honey, are we really going to go on a quest to rescue enslaved hamsters?" whispered Nalia with a disbelieving expression on her face.


"Yep, I mean if we don't help Minsc, he's going to go off on a charge, break random doors down, and get arrested. I figure we just locate the hamsters, and buy them from the owner. I'm sure a little muscle flexing by Minsc here will keep the price reasonable. Then everyone is happy, and Minsc stays out of trouble." whispered Hellocthul back.


"Ok, first of all we need to run a search of the Weave to find the Weave-site where you can download the "HamsterDance" screen-saver. Unless Immy here remembers the Weave-site?" Imoen shook her head, her cheeks bulging as she tried to hold in her giggles. "Now hon, you know this Weave-net stuff the best, what's the best search-thingie?" asked Hellocthul.


Nalia walked over to the Tele-scry viewer, and opened up the rune-board tray. She typed in the url of the search-engine, and a vacous-expressioned young man appeared on the screen.


"Ok, we're in Noogle.com, lets see, 'hamsters, dancing', that should do it." said Nalia confidently.


"Heya, what's a hamster? Heya, what's dancing? Processing... ... ... ...the site you want is 'Hamsterdance.com. Heya!" said Noogle.


"Ok, it looks like the corporate office is at 666 Bridge district." said Nalia.


"Ok, lets go...honey, do you want to stay with Immy and Kelsey?" asked Hellocthul. Poor Kelsey nodded his head frantically at the thought of Nalia's help in keeping the bottomless pit fed. Imoen looked pleased at the thought of spending time with her sister-in-law.


Jan, Hellocthul, and Minsc grabbed their cloaks and weapons, and stepped out into the bright Amnish sunshine of the summer. The walked rapidly to the bridge district, and they walked rapidly tword the bridge district. Waving a greeting to Aegisfield, still in charge of the bridge district after all these years, they found that the address belonged to a very dilapidated and seedy warehouse, quite far from any other buildings.


"Ok, lets take a quick scout of the place. I'm a little surprised at how run down this place is. Ready?" asked Hellocthul as she prepared to cast the Mass Invisibility spell. Jan and Minsc nodded as she started the spell. As the three adventurers disappeared from view, they carefully snuck up to one of the doors, and after wiping away years of grime from one window, they could peer inside the warehouse. What they saw shocked them to the very core.


They saw that the warehouse was literally filled with mindflayers!!! Mindflayers of all description and sizes were running around, busy as beavers as they were filming a telescry series, while other mindflayers were busy on their workstations, their hands flying over their runeboards as they peered at the Weave-net crystal balls with their multi-lensed spectacles held together by tape. (A lot more than 2 lenses, many, many more) All in all, it was a busy hive of illthid activity. And the focuses of that activity shocked Hellocthul to her very being. Aside from the Weave-cams recording the troupe of tiny adorable and fuzzy-wuzzy hamsters performing for their illithid masters, there were two Telescry recording studios, and the shows they were filming made her heart leap in rage!!!


One of them had a cute, furry, big purple dinosaur capering and singing with about a dozen smiling and laughing children. The illithid were filming "Barney and Friends"!!! At the other set were about 6 large quasi-anthromorphic figures, with various antenna on top of their heads, a cute and idiotic expressions painted on their faces, and large rectangular screens on their tummies. They made all sorts of cooing and gurgling sounds, while dancing in obvious worship of a smiling sun, which had the animated face of a delighted infant superimposed on the prop. The illithid were filming "Teletubbies"!!! The illithid were the creators of two of the most popular infant and very young children's shows on the Telescry network, two shows that literally millions of housewives and mothers relied on to help keep their newborns amused and entertained while they did the thousand and one chores that maintained a good home. Who knew what evil concepts and thoughts were being transmitted to uncountable households, insinuating the commands of the mindflayers inside the delicate and defenseless thoughts of young human and elven babies all across Toril? Jan and Hellocthul looked at each other in shock and horror, and they both slowly nodded. As familiar as the two of them were with the treachery and evil of the illithid, this one literally stunned them with its scope, artistry and potential for catastrophy. This operation was going to have to be destroyed, root and branch, and it was going to take more than the 3 of them to do it.


"Ok, Jan, Minsc. This is Helm-damned more serious than I ever imagined. We're going to need every swinging blade the Order of the Radient Heart can muster, the Entire city guard to cordon off the area, and possibly even the Cowled Wizards to back us up. This is not a simple job the three of us can handle by ourselves. Let's sneak away very quietly and carefully. " Minsc and Jan nodded slowly. Then disaster struck, as Minsc looked back, and he saw a mindflayer whipping the hamsters with a fly swatter. Apparently the latest performance failed to satisfy the illithid master, and the hamsters were to be punished for it.


Minsc vented a Toril shaking cry of rage and fury, and whipping Lilacor out of the sheath on his back, he literally ran thru the side of the warehouse!!! As Jan and Hellocthul pulled out their weapons, and preparded to follow the ranger thru the Minsc-shaped hole on the side of the warehouse, they saw the berserk ranger hew down a score of mindflayers with monster chops and slices of the huge two handed blade. Jan and Hellocthul reached the ranger's side, Jan with his short sword of Mask, and Hellocthul with Celestial fury and Sanchu. Then they saw a sight that literally chilled their very blood. The Teletubbies and Barney took off their costume heads, to reveal the faces of Ulitharid, Mindflayer Vampires, the elite and most powerful of the illithid hierarchy. The odds, which were bad enough, suddenly looked like suicide. All the mindflayers in the warehouse, simply stopped what they were doing, and slowly moved away from their work, raising their arms, baring their dew claws in gestures of infinite menace. They slowly glided to the hapless trio, their many eyes blazing with malice. The worst part were the children. The studios were full of literally dozens of children, each of whom imitated the mindflayers, raising their arms in a horrible echo of the mindflayers, advancing tword the three of them. Suddenly to the shock of Hellocthul, the forms of the children blurred, revealed the forms of young mindflayer spawn!


The three adventurers gripped their weapons tightly, preparing for a battle for their lives. Then disaster struck. All the mindflayers stopped in concert, their eyes glowing in unison, and both Minsc and Jan were frozen in place, their minds succumbing to the irresistable mental bolt projected by the combined intellect of literally a hundred mindflayers. Hellocthul had activated her greenstone amulet, part of the loot from their foray into the underdark, and was immune to the monstrous psychic attack. She looked at her two companions, and with a heavy heart, prepared spells and weapons to sell her life dearly, and to buy herself a fitting honor guard to follow her into the elven afterlife. As before, when they were fighting mindflayers in the underdark, the reality bending psionic powers of the illithid prevented her from accessing her most devistating powers, such as the slayer change, or turning into Hello Cthulhu.


Behind her, the chittering of the captive hamsters rose to a frenzy, and Hellocthul saw Boo leap from his faithful ranger's shoulders, and before her disbelieving eyes, he actually seemed to grow in size as he fell tword the ground. As he landed, he continued to grow until he was as tall as herself. The hamster of unusual size looked at his ranger companion, and looked at Hellocthul with steely resolve in his beady little eyes. Boo then began to weave his paws in slow, martial arts gestures, and with a final triumphant gesture, he glowed with incandescent light, blinding the mindflayers, and slowing their slow advance. When Hellocthul could see again, she saw that Boo was now wearing a martial arts uniform, dull orange, with a wide black belt around his tummy, and a peculiar insignia of a round wheel embroidered on his right chest. The chittering hamsters in the background rose into a crescendo, and the hamsters began singing a battle song.


Everybody was Hamster Fighting (heya-squeeeeek! eeek!)

Those paws were fast as lightning (huh! squeek-cheeeek!)

In fact it was a little bit frightening (huh! eeeek-eeeek!)

But Master Boo fought with expert timing (squeeek!)


The half elven sorceress kensai, and the hamster of unusual size and martial arts abilities nodded at each other and attacked. Hellocthul's twin swords were streaks of silvery light, as she proceeded to dice and slice the ranks of the mindflayers, dismembering the mindflayers as if in preparation for a truely gruesome dish of seafood. The swords sliced thru the bodies like magically enhanced ginsu knives, wielded by a master sushi chef. Boo's attacks were no less effective, his paws blurring with speed as he literally punched the faces and bodies of the mindflayers into squishy, ichor dripping messes. His arcane attacks were also as devistating as Hellocthul's dragon breaths and sunfire blasts. He raised his paws, and intoned the mystic words.




Sunbright balls of pure energy shot out of the battling rodent's paws, striking the ranks of the mindflayers, and searing them into ash instantly. The two arcanely armed warriors savaged the ranks of the mindflayers, Hellocthul protected from physical attack by her spell protections, and Boo with a weird glow that emanated from his body. The ranks of the mindflayers fell like wheat to the scythe as the two whirling dervishes of destruction, one elvish and one hamsterish decimated the massed enemy before them.


Finally the last of the foe were down, joining the dead and severely wounded heap groaning in the middle of the floor. Hellocthul sheathed one of her swords, and wiped her brow. She looked at her long time friend, with an expression of awe and sense of wonder. All these years, after all this time. What other secrets did the normally tiny ranger companion hold in its small, adorable body?


Boo looked at Hellocthul, and with a look of regret in his beady, wise eyes, held up a icor stained and dripping paw, and made a hushing gesture. Hellocthul felt the touch of an immensely powerful, yet utterly benign mind go thru the psionic barriors erected by her greenstone amulet as if they were mere cobwebs. The immense, godlike awareness touched her mind with incredible skill and effortless precision, and Hellocthul felt her memories disappearing like sand between her fingers. Before she lost the last of her memories about the encounter, one last lingering impression of the unknowable intellect residing behind the tiny eyes of a rodent stayed with her, before it too was forgotten. She felt the eons alone of an ancient unspeakably powerful being, exiled ages ago, and even though the lifetime of any human was for it less than the blink of an eye, she knew that the entity behind the beady eyes loved his bumbling, loud, and often touchingly sweet ranger companion. She knew that Boo had looked after his faithful human pet with all the ability of an entity that had created planets before its exile. She felt the sadness of the knowledge that someday, Minsc would die of old age, and that Boo would be alone once again. Love really was only for mortals, and the immortal spirit inhabiting Boo only felt gratitude and thanks that it was allowed to touch it, however briefly.


Hellocthul shook her head. Minsc and Jan were still stunned, her entire body was a mess of aches and pains, and they were surrounded by dead or dying mindflayers, who were either seared by her spells, or eviserated by her blades. She felt like she had just forgotten something important, something...she shook her head again, to clear it and to bring it back to the task at hand. Finally Minsc and Jan stirred as the psionic blast wore off, and their faces were a study in surprise as they saw the heaps of illithid bodies. Hellocthul sent Jan off to find Aegisfield, and sat down and rested while Minsc (and the tiny Boo!) saw to the well being of the mind-controlled hamsters, who were jumping up and down and dancing with glee.


Poor Aegisfield was shocked and stunned by the sight that awaited him at the warehouse. His eyes were wide open at the thought of the implications of the horrific mindflayer plot, and he quickly dispatched runners to summon his superiors in the security forces. Inspector Braga arrived, huffing and puffing with the exertion, his years behind the desk taking its toll. He stopped, shocked and horrified, as he saw the interior of the warehouse, while Jan and Minsc were efficiently looting the bodies, and Hellocthul was sitting down, sipping from a waterflask.


After Braga's aides had collected all the evidence necessary to fully present the case at the next closed session of the Council of Six, the shadowy and unknown governing body that ruled all of Amn, Inspector Braga asked Hellocthul to destroy the building and all its contents. Hellocthul replied wearily that she was out of her most powerful mass destruction spells she had in her arsenal, having used them unsparingly in her solo attack of the mindflayers, after Minsc and Jan were stunned by the initial psionic blast. At this point Jan spoke up.


"You know, your worship, I've got a brand new spell that will obliterate this building and all its contents with a single cast! Its called "Dragon Flatuence", and it pumps out the most powerful stinky cloud spell imaginable! A single fireball tossed in afterward..." said Jan with a huge grin.


"And the entire building will blow up. Ok, Braga, are your people finished? Good! Everyone out, except Jan and myself. Minsc, take the cage full of rescued hamsters with you. Everyone, take cover behind something substantial at least 50 yards away from this building. Let's move, people!" Hellocthul was very tired and she wanted this over with. As everyone scrambled around, picking up their gear and the last of the evidence, Minsc picked up the cage containing the mindcontrolled hamsters, and cradled it protectively in his arms. As Boo sat on his shoulder with a grin on his face, and a twinkle in his beady eyes, Hellocthul had a sudden feeling she had forgotten something about Boo, something very important...


After everyone had left, and Hellocthul and Jan could see them waving behind piles of crates, loading cranes and other bits of cover, Jan pulled out a slightly crumpled spell scroll, and began to recite the complex spell. Hellocthul took a deep breath, and held it as Jan finished the long spell.


"...DRAGON FART!!!" Jan finished the incantation with the triggering phrase, and the shape of a gigantic ghostly hindquarters of a dragon took shape above their heads. The tail lifted in the spectral image, and a humongous "PPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!" sound roared through the empty warehouse. A huge stinky cloud blasted out of the spell manifestation, and instantly the entire warehouse was filled with a sickly and ghastly green cloud, with an unspeakable smell. Hellocthul grabbed Jan, who was reeling with the stench, and ran out the door. She slammed the door behind her, to keep the noxious fumes from pouring out, and ran tword a crane, where she could spot Minsc waving his arms. Hellocthul and Jan sat down, and caught their breaths. They looked behind them to see disgusting green vapor swirling out of the cracks and crevices of the windows and doors of the warehouse. Hellocthul pulled out a fireball wand out of her pouch, and with a single raised eyebrow, offered it butt first to the gnome.


Jan smiled with gratitude, and pointed the fireball wand at one of the windows. A single wan fireball, its flame bleached by the bright sunlight, flew from the wand. It struck the window, and a huge "BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!" roared and echoed through the bridge district!!!! The entire warehouse was engulfed in a huge fireball, and Hellocthul and Jan could feel the slap of superheated air, dissipated by the distance, as the entire warehouse exploded!


"Lets go home, guys..." said Hellocthul wearily, and as Jan grinned and Minsc picked up the cage full of liberated rodents, she waved farewell to Braga and Aegisfield. Both of them were looking at the total destruction with wide open mouths. As the three adventurers walked away, they, and everyone nearby, were showed with crispy fried bits of mindflayers. As they headed back tword the planar sphere, Hellocthul was too tired to even brush off the grilled mindflayer bits off her robes and even her hair. The three of them trudged along, Minsc carrying the cage, and Jan still bubbling about the success of his latest spell. They were accompanied by the happy hamsters singing a song of victory.


Well, Squeek it up baby now

Squeek and shout!

Come on, come on, come, come on baby now

Come on and lift your tail straight out!

Stick your tail straight out, honey

You know your fur looks so good

You got me running in a big wheel, now

Just like I know you would


Well, Squeek it up baby now

Squeek and shout!

Come on, come on, come, come on baby now

Come on and lift your tail straight out!

You know you Squeek, little girl

You know you Squeek so fine

Come on and Squeek a little closer now

And let me know that you're mine, woo


Ah, ah, ah, ah

Yeah, Squeek it up baby now

Squeek and shout!

Come on, come on, come, come on baby now

Come on and lift your tail straight out!

You know you Squeek, little girl

You know you Squeek so fine

Come on and Squeek a little closer now

And let me know that you're mine

Well squeek it, eeek it, cheek it, baby now

Well squeek it, eeek it, cheek it, baby now

Well squeek it, eeek it, cheek it, baby now

Ah, ah, ah, ah


Never before did the steps leading up to the door of the planar sphere seem longer, and Hellocthul felt her muscles complain as she followed Jan and Minsc. She was glad to be away from all the strange looks the three of them got from the citizens they passed, Hellocthul too weary to shake off the bits of mindflayer stuck all over her robes and hair, Jan capering and smiling with glee, and Minsc carrying along a cageful of singing and dancing hamsters. As they entered the sitting room of the planar sphere, Imoen, Kelsey and Nalia looked up with curiosity at the length of time they had spent on what started out as a simple errand to keep Minsc from doing something to get himself into trouble. They were particularly surprised at how tired Hellocthul looked.


"Honey, what's wrong?" Nalia asked anxiously, as Imoen began to sniff the air.


"Things got interesting there for a while, love. It was..." began Hellocthul tiredly.


"CALIMARI!!! YOU BUFFLEHEADS HAD SEAFOOD!!! Give me some right now!!!" Imoen reached over to Hellocthul's head, and lifted out a morsel of broiled mindflayer tentacle, dunked it in a gooey, sweet smelling pink sauce, and plopped it in her mouth. Hellocthul, Jan and Minsc (the happily chittering hamsters, and of course Boo) looked at her with wide eyed horror and complete shock.


"IMMY! That's mindflayer..." exclaimed Hellocthul. Immy just looked at her, then picked up another chunk, dunked it in the pink sauce, and popped it into her mouth.


"And it goes great with pink bubblegum sauce too..." she replied with a contented grin.


Hellocthul stood up, and shook herself vigourously, and all the hunks of illithid still clinging to her fell on the floor.


Imoen started crying, and Kelsey glared at Hellocthul and rushed into the kitchen to grab something, anything for her to eat.


"OH CRAP! Jan, come here...I'm going to cast improved haste on you, you rush over to Pirate Barq's Seafood Emporium, and get a calimari special to go...right away!!!" Jan nodded, and Imoen stopped crying as Hellocthul cast her spell. A short, purple blur shot tword the door, and Kelsey popped out of the kitchen with a sigh of relief.


Hellocthul looked around her, at her sister sitting up on the sofa, pregnant as a pelican, still clutching her opened bottle of pink bubblegum sauce, relaxed and grinning at the thought of calimari and ( HURL...) pink bubblegum sauce, Minsc and Nalia playing with the cute and adorable rescued hamsters, and Kelsey sitting down against a wall, his legs stretched out before him, relieved that another crisis was averted, and mused to herself...


"Sometimes I wonder, are we still the plaything of the gods??? Or possibly even some indescribable transdimentional entity is getting its kicks out of putting us into incredibly dangerous, but insanely humourous situations, watching us and falling on the floor, rolling over and over laughing their eyes out?" no-one answered her retorical question, except to look at her a little strangely.


No one noticed a tiny guilty "Squeek!" emitted by Boo, sitting on the table next to Minsc and the frolicking hamsters, or his start of surprise, as Hellocthul mused out loud.

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Career Day at Athkatla High!


The songs parodied here are "We will rock you" by queen, and "Green Acres"....a most unusual combination, but it works...




Sir Anomen Delryn stepped out from the back curtain, stripped to the waist, and wearing a pair of black leather pants at least two sizes too small for him.


Three Knights of the Order of the Radient Heart followed, also stripped to the waist, and wearing armored greaves and boots. The shaved torsos of the knights glistened in the bright light of the midday sun, due to the layer of oil rubbed on their bodies.


Sir Keldorn Firkam, almost unrecognizable in jet black armor, studded with spikes, ran a fingering on his Weave-amplified black base guitar, the instrument snarling as feedback and distortion amplified sound filled the auditorium. His fingers literally blurred with speed, as a incredibly complex and driving beat of the melody poured out of the smokin' instrument. Sir Ryan Trawl sat behind him, wearing matching black spiked armor, twin drumsticks wielded like weapons as he thrashed out a complex tattoo on the full drumset surrounding him. The crowd of young men and women went wild with excitement.


The back up singers began pounding out a strong beat, as Sir Anomen stepped up to the microphone. The beat went "dum, dum, DUM!!! dum, dum, DUM!!!" as the backup singers used their steel boots to drive the sound to the audience.


Everyone clapped out the beat in unison as Anomen began singing.


Buddy you're a smelly orc

Stinky yucky groady breath to make a billy goat turn gray

Get yer head from my face

You skunky disgrace

We'll be kickin' your can all over the place




'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)


Buddy you're ugly troll

Spurting dripping goo-filled oozing makes me puke all day

You got slime on yo' face

You puffy disgrace

Wavin' your flabby claws all over the place


'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)




'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)


Buddy you're a yippin gnoll

Barking yapping yodeling snapping annoying me I say

You got drool on your face

You noisy disgrace

The Order's gonna put you back into your place


'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)




'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)




'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)




Sir Keldorn finished with an incredibly complex and rocking guitar solo that brought the house down in applause as the knights bowed to the wildly cheering audience, and the curtain closed for the next act.


Aerie handed Anomen a big mug of cold wine as he joined them backstage.


"Good number! They're still clapping! I never knew you had musical talent, Sir Anomen!" said Nalia enthusiastically.


"Well, I was in the order's glee clubs and barbershop quartets during my noviciate, however..." Anomen fell silent as the curtain opened on the next act.


Three people stepped out, and a frolicking melody began to play as the singers took their place. One was obviously dressed up in an oafish version of the Amnish guard uniform, with a dented breastplate, and a bent sword in his hand.


The next one was obviously Aran Linvale, his expensive and immaculately tasteful clothing fitting him perfectly. A sartorial masterpiece. The third was a half elven girl, dressed in sleek black leathers. She did a series of dazzlingly skilled martial arts kata's, doing high kicks, flurrys of punches into the air, and generally showing off. They started singing to the spritely tune.


Shadow Thief:

Shadow Thieves be the place for me.

Picking pockets is the life that's free.

Sheep spread out so far and wide

Nimble fingers and you'll be fleecing them citywide.


Amnish Guard:

The guard is where you'd rather stay.

Steel Armor for you to shine all day.

You don't ever want the jailhouse view.

Rotting in prison will make you really blue.


Shadow Thief and Amnish Guard:

...The pockets.

...The dockets.

...Thieves lair.

...Lawbreaker beware.



I run the council of six.


Amnish Guard:

This really just sticks!


All together:

Shadow Thieves we are there.


Sir Keldorn joined them, having obviously taken a long time to remove his hot armor.


"I HATE career day!" he said as he looked at the class of 1389, as they clapped even louder for the funny comedy skit of the Shadow Thieves. Sir Anomen nodded vigorously.

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Nature's Man!


He's a real Nature's Man,

Sitting in his jailcell and,

Making all his balanced plans

for Druid's Grove.


Believes in a balanced point of view,

Knows not what Logain's going to do,

He's not a bit like you and me!

Nature's Man, please listen,

You left your wife, without even a kissing,

Nature's Man, the world doesn't revolve at your command.


He's as blind as he can be,

Doesn't see his real responsibility,

Nature's Man can't you see your family at all?

A balanced point of view,

No time for a family where he's going to,

He's not a bit like you and me!

Nature's Man, you're sorry,

Take your time, don't hurry,

Leave it all till somebody else

fixes your mess.


He's a real Nature's Man,

Sitting in his jailcell and,

Making all his balanced plans

for Druid's Grove.

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They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha!!!


Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to

leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...

You all left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see

I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa

To the Asylum, Spellhold. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be

happy to see those nice Cowled Enforcers in their clean white robes and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!


Imoen thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you all laughed when she said the silly gnome was ruler of all.. RIGHT???

I know she laughed, I heard you laugh, you all laughed you laughed and

laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..



They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.

To the Asylum, Spellhold. Where they'll make way for the Ruler of All and my undergarments will not shrink two sizes and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!


I cast your spells, I used my sling, and this is how you pay me back

for all my kind unselfish heroic deeds.. Huh??

Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you

in the Underdark, you mangy mutt!!! And...


They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.

They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.

To the Asylum, Spellhold. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be

happy to see those nice Cowled Enforcers in their clean white robes and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

To the Asylum, Spellhold. Where they'll make way for the Ruler of All and my undergarments will not shrink two sizes and they're

coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!

To the Asylum, Spellhold. Where they'll make way for the Ruler of All and... (fade out)


Hey, Tiax!

Yes, Lonk..

Is that your underwear you're wearing on your head?

No Lonk, its the latest fashion hat from Calimshite, ha ha ha....

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We Are The Champions


I've killed my orcs

Time after time

I've even whacked Drizzt

But committed no crime

And bad mistakes

I've made a few

I've had my share of quests

Explode in my face

But I've come through

And I need to go on and on and on and on


We are the champions - my friends

And we'll fight Amelissan at the very end

We are the champions

We are the champions

No time for turnips

'Cause we are the champions of the Throne


I've shot my bows

And cast my spells

You've bought me riddles and quests

And everything that goes with it

I thank you all

But it's been no bed of turnips no breakfast plate

I consider it a challenge before the whole sword coast

And I ain't gonna lose

And I need to go on and on and on and on


We are the champions - my friends

And we'll fight Amelissan at the very end

We are the champions

We are the champions

No time for turnips

'Cause we are the champions of the Throne


We are the champions - my friends

And we'll fight Amelissan at the very end

We are the champions

We are the champions

No time for turnips

'Cause we are the champions of the Throne

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Drizzt Do'Urden

(Based on the "Arnold Rimmer" song from Red Dwarf...sorry Drizzt fans!)


If you're in trouble he won't save the day,

Who believes he's battled demons, despite what he may say,

Without him Toril would have a nice day!

He's Drizzt, Drizzt, Drizzt Do'Urden

His name sounds like somethings a 'hurtin,

Avoid close proximity, he's always a 'furtin,

Pointy ears, hairy nostrils - that's Do'Urden!


He's Drizzt, Drizzt, Bonehead Do'Urden

Less intelligent than a window curtain

He's full of hot air, puncture him to let it all out,

And if you say that to him, he'll just quiver and pout!


To be a hero is his greatest wish

But he can only write "I smell like a fish"

He blames it on the underdark,

But its really due to his brains, made of bark!


He's Drizzt, Drizzt, Smeghead Do'Urden

To his poor party, he's always a burden,

To get the real 411, you should ask Sir Boo,

He gives a bad name to all the Mary Sue's!

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A Girl's Night Out at Hendak's!






We Smite for your love!





We are Knights, who Smite!





We are Knights, who wear Tights!






As the five members of the "Pally People" began to strut and dance in a most provokative way on the stage behind the bar of the Copper Coronet, poor Mazzy tried simultaniously to cover her eyes and ears. Hellocthul gave her a big grin, and pushed a tankard of ale in front of her. Despite her strong views on alchohol (most uncharacteristic for a halfling), Mazzy grabbed the tankard and drained it at one gulp. The rest of the party were already more than a little inebriated, and even the normally taciturn Jaheira was cheering and whistling as the dancers strutted their stuff.


The five members of the "Pally People" were wearing armor...or to be more specific, half armor. They were wearing chainmail (crotch-less and butt-less) chaps, steel boots and their shocking pink g-strings were clearly visible. As they shook their booty, the thousands of steel rings sounded like metallic rain. Their bare upper bodies were glistening with oil, and obviously waxed heavily, since they lacked even a trace of chest hair. They each wore glittering and beaded falsies over their (deleted). As they danced, As they stomped and kicked and clicked their heels in unison, the armor boots sounded like castinets, the chaps tinkling with the band's driving rythm and beat. They were obviously very skilled and practiced, as even their shoulders moved to the beat, and each dancer managed to twirl the beaded tassles attached to each falsie in a counter-rotating fashion. One particularly adroit fellow was able to spin the tassles so fast that they were almost a blur, remining the party of one of Jan's most dangerous inventions, the "Turnip-copter". On their heads they wore various helms denoting the noble orders. One dancer wore the full tilting helm of the Noble Order of the Radient Heart. Another dancer wore the crested mask helm of the Order of the Illmather, with the full feathered headress made of dove plumes. Yet another wore the practical riding helmet of the Order of Helm.


The female members of the party, including Hellocthul, had ditched Minsc, Yoshimo, Jan and Anomen to have a girl's night out. Despite Nalia's and Mazzy's protests that this was "vulgar" and "crass" entertainment, all of the girls were beginning to enjoy themselves. Nalia, who first alternated between blushing and covering her eyes, was now openly watching the floor show avidly and banging her little fists on the table, in beat with the music. Mazzy, after draining a couple of full tankards of ale, literally let her hair down, yanking off her trademark rubberbands from her hair. Now for the first time, the party found out why exactly Mazzy wore rubber bands in her hair. The resulting fur rug that escaped their elastic prison cascaded over her head, and completely covered her body. She looked like a giant hairball, coughed up by some gargantuan cat, with two booted feet sticking out the bottom.


Nalia, in a drunken slur, said "Hey! Its Cousin, I mean Aunty It!" refering to a character from a popular crystal ball show, the "Xzar Family". Two arms poked themselves out of the giant hair ball, pulled masses of hair away from her face, and Mazzy stuck her tongue out at Nalia, while her eyes were still taking in the show. Nalia just started giggling.


Jaheira had downed 10 full flagons of wine, and was already in full audience mode, shouting her approval of the costume, or the lack of costume on the dancers. Viconia, of course, enjoyed herself tremendously in the first number, and was shouting now for the dancers to take off the rest of their costumes. An argument started out between Viconia and Jaheira, Jaheira claiming that the dancers had socks stuffed down their g-strings, based on the fact that she was a druid, so she had instinctive ability to scry un-natural "things". Viconia, citing her long and varied experience with the male anatomy, claimed that they were quite real. As they continued bickering, the "Pally People" launched into a new singing and dancing number.



young man, there's no need to feel down.

I said, young man, pick your sword off the ground.

I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town

there's no need to be unhappy.


young man, there's a place you can go.

I said, young man, when battling evil is all you know.

you can stay there, and I'm sure you will find

many ways to have a righteous time.


it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.


This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,

you can hang out with all the boys...


it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.


you can get your armor cleaned, you can polish your staff,

if you're a cleric and that's what you have...


young man, are you listening to me?

I said, young man, a Paladin is what you want to be!

I said, young man, you can join the Radient Heart.

but you got to know this one thing!


no man fights evil by himself.

I said, young man, grab your shield from the shelf,

and just go there, to the N-O-R-H.

I'm sure they can help you today.


it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.


This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,

you can hang out with all the boys...


it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.


you can get your armor cleaned, you can polish your staff,

if you're a cleric and that's what you have...


young man, I was once in your shoes.

Evil was everywhere, and Good sure to lose.

Smiting just didn't feel right.

I felt the whole world was so wrong...


that's when someone came up to me,

and said, young man, walk to the temple district.

there's a place there called the N-O-R-H.

they can start you back on your way.


it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.


This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,

you can hang out with all the boys...


N-O-R-H ... you'll find it at the N-O-R-H.


young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.

young man, young man, pick your sword off the ground.


N-O-R-H ... you'll find it at the N-O-R-H.


young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.

young man, young man, pick your sword off the ground.


N-O-R-H ... just go to the N-O-R-H.


young man, young man, are you listening to me?

young man, a Paladin is what you want to be!



As the five members finished their song they had their arms around each others shoulders, and were doing high kicks, just like the Calimshite City Rockettes. Hellocthul noticed Jaheira was finishing up a spell, her fingers moving in the final gestures of a complex incantation, her voice lost in the roar of the mostly female audience. As the song and dance came to an end, a huge horde of chittering and giggling mice, hamsters, and other rodents boiled out from the stage, and a mammalian horde attacked the g-strings of each of the suddenly terrified dancers. The rodents ate the pink silken g-strings off each dancer, and suddenly disappeared. As the shaking and shocked dancers uncurled themselves from the protective posture each had instinctively assumed, the riot began. As Viconia was proven right after all, the audience surged against the wall of bouncers that Hendak had placed in front of the stage. One especially nimble matron however, managed to jump over the bouncers in a beautifully executed stage dive, and had grabbed the (deleted) of the last dancer, who was unable to join his fellows in fleeing the stage for their lives. Nalia dropped her cup of wine, and ran to the matron, and grabbed her waist, trying to make her let go.


"Aunty! Let go of him!!! Aunty Delcia, let him go! Please!!!" shouted Nalia desperately to her Aunt. Lady Delcia finally let go of the (deleted) of the last dancer, who desperately fled the stage, whimpering and crying. Lady Delcia then proceeded to pass out, and a bouncer picked her up to take her to the drunk tank in the back room.


The party paid the tab, and quickly exited the Copper Coronet, giggling and laughing so hard they had to support each other to keep from falling over. As the girls breathed deeply of the cold night air in an effort to regain some sobriety, Hellocthul asked a question of Jaheira.


"Say Jaheira, what was that spell you cast?" asked Hellocthul inbetween her giggles.


"Well, hehehhehehhe...it was a variant of the insect plague spell. Instead of using the word for insects, I used the word for rodents. It turned out better than I thought it would, I think I will call it..." said Jaheira.


"SQUEEKING DOOM!!!" cried the party in a chorus.

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Gnome Improvement


"WHAT TIME IS IT?" yelled Aerie to the packed audience.


"TURNIP TIME!!!" yelled the audience back.


"Welcome to Turnip Time, sponsored by Jansen Enterprises, and here's your host, Jan the Turnip-Gnome Jansen!" said Aerie, extremely fetching in a short green tunic and tights.


The audience was mostly composed of gnomes with a few humans and elvenkind thrown into the mix.


The very popular do-it-yourself handicrafting show, with a little basic magical artifact making had proved to be wildly successful, now well into its second season, despite the host's tendency to tell long, winding and wildly non-sensical stories. Of course, certain members of the cast felt it was their own contributions to the show despite the host that made the show one of the most popular on the telescry network...


"Thank you, Aerie, you're as ravishing as always. Now let's give a warm hand for my assistant, Ano Delryn!" As the female members of the audience applauded, Anomen Delryn walked in, flashing a brilliant smile (Massive doses of Simply White, and for that roguish curlique of hair on his forehead, a dash of brylcream) and wearing his trademark armor painted with squares in eyeclashing combinations of blue, rust, green and yellow. He was as well known for his distinctive plaid armor as Jan was for his turnip stories.


"That's Anomen, Jan." said Anomen as he started the banter that started each episode of the show.


"You see, Ano, that's what throws me off. The plurality of your name. It doesn't sound, you know...right. That kinda reminds me of my nephew, Galahad Jansen, and his adventures while he was questing for the Holy Snail..." began Jan.


At this point the audience settled back in their comfy seats, and not a few of them broke open the complementary packets of Turnip-nuts that the thoughtful producers had provided to each member of the audience. As the gnomes crewed on the turnip flavored crunchy treats, Jan began his story.


"You see, poor Galahad, known as the unlucky, because he always seems to have the worst luck in matters of the heart, don't you know, was hired when he was younger to be a treasure hunter for the temple of Escargo, the God of Gastropods. He was hired to recover their most holy treasure, the Holy Snail. This was a golden snail, that if you lick the slime off the bottom, it will cure any disease. Now clerics of Escargo, as you all know, are very, very powerful, so you may ask, why didn't they search for this holy relic themselves. Well, in honor of their deity, the only form of locomotion they were allowed was to lie with their tummy on the floor, and clenching and unclenching their stomach muscles to wiggle their way to get anywhere. Poor lads, more than one novitiate starved to death getting to the dining hall before they caught on to the trick of tummy crawling. Now where was I?" asked Jan in perplexity.


"The holy snail" replied Anomen. He kept thinking to himself, I need the gold, I need the gold. His wife, Mazzy Fentan had a 500 gold a week habit in rubber bands. How she went thru so many rubber bands still amazed him. He knew she didn't eat them, because their house was filled with literally millions of broken, snapped rubber bands. They got everywhere, in the bathroom, the bed, even in the food. This was why he had an automatic gag reflex whenever he saw a plate of spagetti.


"Oh yes, thanks Ano. Well, anyhu, he was hired to find the holy snail. After many adventures, including the knights who break wind in your direction, he finally reached the Castle Chickenpox, where he saw a glowing vision of the Holy Snail floating above the castle. Galahad naturally went to the front door, and there he was greeted by Zoot, the head of the castle, who lived there herself and with eight score other beautiful human and half elven girls, all between the ages of 16-19, who spent all their time bathing, dressing and undressing and making exciting knickers. He was tricked into entering the cluches of those women, who had rather nefarious plans for him. The women, led by Zoot and her twin sister Dingo, would first make him punish them, by spanking each girl barebottom with his own hands. After this would come the time for the oral (deleted).Now fortunately me and his brothers, my other nephews Gawain Jansen and Lancelot Jansen had gotten wind of his mortal peril, and we rescued him, kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs at the nick of time, before the girls had him firmly in their clutches." said Jan, smiling benignly as he thought of how he had saved that poor lad.


"So, urm...what in the name of Helm has this to do with calling me Ano???!!!" asked Anomen. He had sureptitiously loosened his neckguard while Jan was telling the story.


"Oh dear, oh dear, actually that part of the story had nothing to do with why I call you Ano, Ano. No, actually it has to do with what came of him afterwards. He was so traumatized by that whole encounter that he quit the treasure hunting business, and moved to the seashore, to open up a fishing supplies shop. I know, I know, its nowhere as presdigious as opening up a turnip or invention shop, but I did mention that whole encounter traumatized him, right? This may be why

he was still unlucky with the fair sex. I dare say he hasn't had a date in years, possibly his entire life! Anyhu, he turned out to have a pronounced flair and talent when it comes to selling fishing gear. But it was in the specialty of crafting bait that he really was truely gifted. Why, he used to craft these artificial lures, made of bits of twine, a hunk of wood, even a piece of, if you can believe it, a radish," at this point the audience gasped in horror "and the fish would literally jump out of the water to impale themselves on the hook. He became so good at crafting lures, his store specialized in nothing else. All up and down the coast, he became known for his lore and skill. He is still reverently called 'Master Baiter'. Though the poor lad seems to hate that title. Even though it fits him perfectly. Like your's fits you perfectly, my esteemed assistant!" said Jan with a wide smile.


As Anomen sat down, trying vainly to forget the story, with a poleaxed expression on his face, Jan basked in the applause of the gnomes in the audience.


"Urm...ok, ok, now Jan, if members of the audience, including our wonderful home viewers, of course, wanted to visit this shop, where would they be able to find it?" Anomen asked desperately.


"Oh that's quite simple. Just go to the docks, head south along the coast, and within 20 or so miles, they should be able to find the "Golodon's Wand and Staff Polishing." You see, Galahad is so cheap that he never replaced the sign put up by the previous owner. Just look for the lopsided gnome. Galahad, he spends so much time on the lure making table, with minute and quick movements of his right arm and hand, that his right side is much more muscular than his left. And due to handling radish juice, with its highly caustic and toxic properties, his calluses are incredibly thick on his right palm. Oh dearie, dearie me...I almost forgot, his shop sign hasn't been repaired in years, so actually instead of being the "Golodon's Wand and Staff Polishing", the "Golodon's", "Wand" and the "and" have fallen off the sign. Just walk on in, and mention my name." said Jan.


"Ok, ok, ok, now back to today's featured project!" said Anomen quickly.


"Right-o, ok, folks, today we're going to be making a turnip golem! That's right, we're actually going to make a working golem out of turnips. First of all, we need a Jansen 3000 golem making kit, available at your fine Jansen retailers all around Amn for a mere 8000 gold. The kit provides you with a basic magic skeleton, and all the directions necessary to make your new creation. And here is a fine example that the lovely Aerie is wheeling out. Aerie?" said Jan, as Aerie, huffing and puffing, wheeled out a large dolly with a golem on top. The golem's skin was a pale white, and there was the strong scent of turnips in the air. All the gnomes in the audience clapped vigourously, as the veggie automaton was brought to the center stage.


"Now the lads backstage have almost finished this fine example of gnomish artifice, and all that remains is to insert the tiny scroll with the true name of the goddess of magic, "Supercalifragalisticexpialidotious" inscribed in high Netheril, written in diamond dust on the pure beaten gold leaf of the scroll." Jan held up a tiny cylinder of gold leaf.


"We simply place the activation scroll under the tongue, where the special holder has been prepared. Now at this point, the normal customer of this fine golem building kit would simply insert the activation scroll, and the golem, with the built in safety spells and failsafes, will work properly and stand ready to obey its new master. However, the boys backstage and I, myself have been working on a slightly different activation scroll." Jan holds up a gold and silver box.


He hops on top of the table standing before the motionless magical construct, and opens the box.


"Inside this box is an activation scroll made out of precious Adamantium with the activation name written in pure crushed rogue stone. This activation scroll is many times more powerful, because its made out of much rarer and more arcanely charged materials, so this scroll will make our new golem faster, and able to work much more. And why should we use this scroll, instead of the standard scroll?" asked Jan in an expectant voice.


"MORE TURNIPS!" shouted the audience in unison.


"That's right! With a more powerful activation scroll this golem will be able to harvest twice as many turnips as your average golem, lift twice as many bushels of veggies and generally make itself twice as useful at your farm!" Jan lifts out the glittering silvery cylinder, and opening the golem's mouth, inserts the activation scroll.


"Urm...Jan, did you say the scroll was made out of Adamantium?" asked Anomen, his face twisted up as if he was trying to remember something.


"Why yes, I did." replied Jan.


"Urm...Jan, doesn't Adamantium disintegrate when its exposed to sunlight?" said Anomen, just as the Golem opened its eyes, a fine trail of greyish dust trickled down from the jaw of the newly activated golem. The golem stood up from the dolly used to carry it into the studio, and its eyes began to bulge and filled with unholy light. It raised its arms, and gave a gigantic roar!!!




As the audience screamed its terror, Jan gave a valiant battlecry, and leaped up and grabbing the golem's right hand with his arms, began to gnaw on the arm. Anomen sighed in exasperation. It sure seemed like every episode ended up with the project of the day going on a rampage, or a Jansen invention going berserk. Wincing at the memory of the massacre from last week when the latest Jansen TurnipMaster 2000 went wildly out of control, and sliced up half the audience, (Thank Helm for signed waivers) he reached for the Flail of the Ages attached to his belt. His hands did not find the familiar leather wrapped hilt!!! Anomen remembered with a shock that when he put on his armor this morning, the leather suspenders holding up his steel pants had snapped off, so when he attached the heavy flail to its customary place on his belt, his armor pants had sagged down, and formed a huge butt cleavage. When Aerie had walked by, her giggles made him take off the flail, and put it away in his dressing room. He desperately grabbed a long sword from a rack mounted on the wall, and yelped as he felt a searing pain on his palm.


"Helm-Damned class restrictions!" he shouted as he dropped the sword.


Praying to Helm for luck, he grabbed in desperation the TurnipMaster 3000 prototype from the shelf on the worktable, and closed his eyes, and pulled on the starter handle. The supercharged and turboboosted infernal combustion engine operated turnip-peeler gave a massive roar of pure mechanical power, and the hundreds of tiny blades and forks began whirling and spinning at super high speed.


"In Helms name, drop that gnome and surrender peacefully!" yelled Anomen.


The turnip golem flicked away the desperately chewing Jan, and faced the Cleric and Co-host with its right arm chewed up a bit, but still very dangerous and defiant. Anomen warbled his battle cry, and with a huge overhand cut of the TurnipMaster 3000, sliced off the turnip golems right arm!!! The hyperpowerful veggie peeler made a horrifying grinding and gnashing noise as the tiny forks and blades literally ate thru the arm, spraying vegetable matter everywhere.


"Now surrender!" said Anomen.


"Tis but a scratch!" said the turnip golem.


"A scratch? Your arms off!"


"No it isn't!"


"Then what's that then?" asked Anomen pointing with the still roaring, spinning and twirling TurnipMaster 3000 at the large arm on the floor, still oozing turnip juice into the studio carpet.


"I've had worse!" said the turnip golem defiantly.


"YOu lie!"


The two tangled up again in melee, the turnip golem attacking with powerful sweeps of its remaining left arm, and Anomen slashing with the evil turnip peeling contraption. Finally, Anomen sliced off the turnip golem's left arm!


"Victory is mine!" Anomen knelt and began a prayer of thanksgiving to Helm, but the turnip gnome kicked him on the butt with its right foot!


"Look, you stupid git, you have no arms left!"


"Yes, I have!"




"Its just a flesh wound!"


"I'll slice off your legs, you silly golem!"


With a cry of rage, the furious Cleric and Co-host sliced off the right leg of the turnip golem. It somehow remained upright, hopping on the left leg while the audience, who had settled back down on their seats now that the immediate danger seemed to be over, looked in disbelief.


"Right, I'll do you for that!"


"You'll what???!!! What are you going to do to me, bleed turnip juice all over me?"


The turnip golem hopped around, and tried to headbutt Anomen.


"I'm invincible!"


"you're a Veggy!" said Anomen, and sliced off its last leg.


"Right, we'll call it a draw!" said the armless, legless vegetable automaton.


"What, running away then? Comeback, I'll bite your legs off!" shouted the daft golem as Anomen turned off the TurnipMaster 3000, and started walking back to his dressing room, holding the evil device and looking at it in wonder.


"No, I'm going to leave you to the studio audience. Snack Time!" Anomen shouted. The studio audience launched themselves at the remains of the turnip golem, like a voracious school of piranha poodles, yipping and barking and bearing their fangs, and literally ate the remains of the poor golem in seconds. Anomen tenderly put away the devilish contraption in his dressing room, and walked back to the studio, with a towel, wiping away the splatter of turnip juice covering his armor.


As the audience settled back to their seats, the cameras cut to commercial. Anomen took the opportunity to talk to Jan quietly.


"Jan, you know that TurnipMaster 3000? Its never going to work as a turnip peeler, but it makes for the most evil, nasty and utterly deadly hand to hand weapon I've ever seen!!! We should market this as the ultimate monster killer!!! We could make millions!!!" whispered Anomen.


As Jan's face lit up with unholy glee, both Anomen and Jan's thoughts were a million miles away as they finished the taping of their show.

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Imoen's Isle!


Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip,

That started from old Candlekeep,

with Gorion (and his aching hip).

The rogue was a mighty cutie pie,

The Charname brave and sure,

Six Adventurers set forth that day,

For a four game tour, a four game tour.

The Iron Throne started getting tough,

Poor Gorion got tossed.

If not for the courage of the fearless group,

The Franchise would be lost, the Franchise would be lost.

The party came to Beregost, with hardly a gold to their name,

With IMOEN, Charname too,

Henpecked Khalid and his wife,

Viconia deVir, Uncle Quayle and Minsc (and Boo!)

are here on Baldur's-Gate-by-Black-Isle!!!

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