Userunfriendly Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Ok, in honor of Kill Bill part 2 playing in the theaters this weekend, i've written this rather bizzare and twisted non Bg2 parody of Kill Bill part 1... please comment on the commentary thread, its my first attempt at writing non-bg2 fanfiction...strong language, and some really kinky scenes make this rated R... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cut into a sterile hospital room for long-term patients…the smell of antiseptic everywhere. A purple and green clay-animation figurine lies on the bed, IV tubes running into her arms, and EEG monitor sensors taped to her head. Her eyes are closed. Two stretch toys enter her room furtively… “Hey, Pokey, how’s your girlfriend?†asked Stretch Gumby. “Well, My Little Pony is a nice girl, but too dull in the stable…I think I’m going to dump her pretty soon. Ok, Gumby, it’s a hundred for an hour, and don’t leave dents on her. It takes me hours with a putty knife to smooth her back into shape for the Floor Doctor’s daily visits. Enjoy yourself.†Said Stretch Pokey as he walked out of the room. “Pervert…†muttered Stretch Pokey as he locked the door behind Stretch Gumby and the patient who’s been in a coma for 2 years. As Stretch Gumby leaned over the coma victim with a leer on his bulging eyes, and a single drop of drool escaping his slash mouth, the eyes of the long term coma patient fluttered open, and a vicious chop flung Stretch Gumby across the room, pure astonishment filling its rudimentary face. A few hours later, the clay figurine drives away in a bright yellow van, leaving behind a Stretch Gumby tied up into a literal knot, and a badly bruised Stretch Pokey locked into her old room. A terrible rage and fury filled the clay animation figurine, as she began to plot her revenge… Fade to Japan… A strutting clay animation figure walked into the restaurant, wearing a tight one-piece yellow jumper. The place was filled to the brim with dancing toys, hip-hop music, and Yakuza action figures. The Bride got several whistles and calls as her purple and yellow clay skin contrasted nicely with the yellow jumper. She watched the yakuza action figures out of the side of her eyes as they went up to the private dining area, carefully noting the ones dressed in school girl’s uniforms…obviously they were more than meets the eye, possibly Transformers? One in particular walked with a sleek predatory look, popping her bubble gum, attending closely to a Japanese doll, incredibly elegant in her stark white kimono. The girl walked into a small storage room, and pulled out of a bin her samurai sword, which her confederate had smuggled into the restaurant a few hours ago, liberally bribed. She tested the draw of the shining blade, knowing that in a few moments she would be in a fight for her life, only her skill and speed with the magnificent blade standing before her and death, or failure, which to her was far worse. She leapt onto the wooden balustrade surrounding the atrium, and carefully out of sight of the Yakuza party occupying a private dining room. As she neared the top, the wooden railing creaked, and a Yakuza soldier dressed in a cheap polyester suit stepped out of the room, and after one look at the demon of vengeance standing before him, gave the alarm as the sword severed his spine and torso in a silvery flash. All the Yakuza action figures walked out of the private dining rogibberlings3.netgibberlings3.netom, and began their ritual taunting… “So little girl wants to play with big bad Yakuza, eh??? Gaijin…Baka…†taunted one balding fat guy with plum blossoms tattooed all over his body. “Big words coming from a obvious reject for the television show Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! What did you audition for, the sumo pit? I suppose they had to tell you that you have to have a smaller girth than the sumo pit in order to play the game?†she sneered. The Yakuza action figure swelled with rage, and backhanded one young Yakuza who began to reply to her insult. “That’s MXC, you ignorant western bim…†“Damned Yakuza geeks…enough taunting, DIE!!!†The next few minutes resembled someone flicking the switch on an industrial food processor, and a grinning 10 year old boy emptying into the hopper his sister’s entire doll collection…as the last of the Yakuza action figures fell to the floor of the disco dance floor, groaning and moaning with pain, while illuminated by the pretty lights coming from the giant rotating disco ball on the ceiling, the school girl stepped out of the room and swaggered up to the Bride. She popped her gum, then a evil whirring noise came out of her as machineguns and rocket launchers exploded out of her body, ripping the Japanese school girl’s uniform off her, and she was revealed to be a transforming Gundam Seed action robot!!! As a anachronistic key rotated from her back, the electron pulse cannons and gatling auto-cannon muzzles slowly extended themselves to full firing positions. The Bride with a quick back-flip got behind the action robot, and with a quick yank pulled out the windup key from her back. “Damned cheap Taiwanese knock-off components.†said the Gundam action robot as the gears inside her stopped whirling, and with a last grind of rusted gears she fell over on her face, and popped her gum no more. Finally the Bride stood waiting as Rishi, the second on her list of assassins finally stepped out into the charnel pit where dolls go to die. The Bride looked at her expressionlessly. “How ‘bout you, Peggy Sue? Fabian, where’s my father’s kangaroo watch?†said Rishi with an enigmatic smile on her face. The Bride frowned in puzzlement. “What the (deleted) are you talking about, you bitch???†said the Bride furiously, she would not stand for being mocked, not here, not now. “Its called literary foreshadowing, you ignorant bimbo…Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I do apologize, but you’re aware as much as I am that enigmatic climatic sayings are mandatory in any samurai movies, or spaghetti westerns.†Said Rishi as she slowly drew her own sword. The next few minutes were an utter blur as two superbly trained dolls, one clay animation (with the weird fluidity and speed only possible for a doll without joints) and stark savage elegant skills of a doll that had practiced swordsmanship since she was a child, after she had brutally murdered her parent’s killers. Finally, in one last desperation throw, after the Bride had sliced off her sword arm, Rishi tried to choke the Bride with her remaining hand, the un-natural strength of the grip deforming the clay of her neck. With one last wrench, the bride finally stabbed her enemy thru the heart. “Yo, Joe…â€Âwhispered the dying Rishi as the light faded from her eyes. “Yo, Joe??? What the…†muttered the Bride, wincing as the words emerged from her maimed throat. It would take many hours with a palette knife to repair the damage to her neck. She slowly approached the dead incredibly elegant Japanese doll, the questions about her last words and the unnatural strength of the grip of her left hand burning in her brain, and efficiently undressed the corpse of Rishi. To her complete astonishment, Rishi underneath her elegant kimono was actually revealed to be a G.I.Joe doll with the kung-fu grip!!! “I wonder who knew Rishi was actually a transvestite…did HE, I wonder?†mused the Bride as she mounted her racing motorcycle. She pulled out of her jumpsuit the LIST, and carefully put a line thru the second name on it. She then started the engine, and as the powerful machine revved up, she renewed her vow of vengence. “I WILL KILL MR. BILL…†spoke Miss Sluggo as she drove out of that abattoir, and into the night. Somewhere, far, far away, a scream fills the night... "Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!" cried Mr. Bill... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ and for those of you who don't know who mr. bill is... http://www.mrbill.com/ Link to comment
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