Comments on Recollections

[Bri]

I first apologize for being remiss on not keeping up with this section.

 

First, a couple of suggestions. One is to check your punctuation. There were a few spots that were missing quotation marks, and this gave a run-on effect.

 

Second, you may wish to look over your spacing again. Some of the paragraphs gave a rather disjointed appearance when reading.

 

Anyways, not a bad story. After all, it would be logical that if Jaheira's parents were killed, she would have to go into hiding...and that would require aid from another source (in your story, the maid).

 

Of course, one could also write a story where Jaheira grew to hate most people in the cities...the regular folk for killing her parents, the nobles for bringing down the wrath of the commoners.

[BigRob]

An interesting view on how Jaheira first made it to the Druid grove Garfield. A nice touch that there's no attempt to explain the why of the whole incident, the adults know, but just don't have time and Jaheira doesn't have any understanding of it, it's just happening. Sometimes exposition of the plot just isn't worth it.

 

 

 

In addition to the stuff mentioned above, there's also some grammatical issues here and there.

 

 

Lisette, the young maid had come to wake her up, but she was not sleeping. Both her arms were crossed on the window ledge, and she was watching towards the park.

"Looking" would be a better choice of word there, or you could remove the "toward" immediately after it.

 

 

This seemed to shake the little girl out of her numbness. She left the window and turned toward Lisette. Her small round face was surrounded by copper curls, and her frail body was wrapped in a gown of the latest fashion. Seeing her, Lisette realized that if her parents never were rich, she never had to live through such an ordeal as the little girl will. She grabbed her hand and led her into the corridor.

 

"never were" in there should be "were never"

 

And to keep the tense the same in that sentence, "little girl will" should be changed to something like "little girl was about to"

 

 

The castle was quite huge, and while the maid and the little girl rushed through different corridors, they could hear the echoing voice of angry peasants. The little girl stopped:

 

“They entered, eh? Now they will kill mum and dad?

-Don’t be stupid. We’ll find your parent and escape.â€Â

 

Both of those should be in plural form.

 

 

At least they manage to enter a huge room, richly adorned with tapestry of the brightest colours, depicting scenes of battles and court life, with maids, knights, kings and queens.

 

 

I think that's a typo for "last"

 

 

 

“Our lives seem to me more valuable than those embroideries, Mylord. We have a daughter to shelter and to bring up, and this should be our priority. We have no time to defend our title.â€Â

The woman who had spoken was obviously the mother of the little. She looked much like her. The same small pointed nose, and the same flowing brown hair around her face.

 

"Mylord" should be either split up into "my lord", or changed to "Milord"

 

There shoould also be a noun after the "little" so "little girl", "little one", or anything else that fits.

 

 

But the little girl did not wanted to leave, so Lisette had to carry her on her shoulder. She could only have a last glimpse of her father as the secret door in the stone wall closed again.

 

Should be "want"

 

 

 

They suddenly heard a cry. The Lord was surely dead. The Lady’s eyes filled with tears she brushed away before her daughter could see it.

The fugitives just reached the front door when the peasant appears at the top of the massive stair.

 

There's more than one tear mentioned, so "it" should be "them" in there.

 

Also, from the next bit, there's more than one peasant there, so that should be "peasants appeared" in there.

 

 

Lisette immediately understood and rushed to it. On her shoulder, looking backward, the little girl did not understand why her mother ran in the opposite direction. But she had no strength to cry or scream. The night and her tear darkened her sight, and she could not see her mother fall, but she certainly heard the rock hitting her head.

 

That should be "tears" in there.

 

Lisette could not stop running. Fortunately the door to the forest never was locked, so they were soon running to the forest. She ran an hour or so more, after which she stopped. She knew the peasant would kill the little girl if they found her with her parents, but they would not take the pain to look after her otherwise.

She took the dozing child on her lap. She could only pity the new orphan. She might have become a powerful and rich woman. But

know

, what would become of her? She patted her hair:

 

"peasant" in there should be "peasants"

 

"after" in there should be "for" (It's accurate, but "Look after" has a very different feel to it)

 

And I think "Know" in there is a typo for "now".

[Garfield]

At least I found some time to go throught the typoes you pointed out. I shoul be more careful :/

 

Actually the story about the maid is the one in Jaheira's in game biography.

I've alway loved the character of Jaheira. She is a strong person as an adult, and I always wondered how she might have felt this night when her parents were killed.

 

If I have inspiration again, I might be writing more about her. Not her whole life, but I'd like to write on important passages of her life (her education as druid, her meeting with Khalid, then with Gorion...) But we'll see if I can come up with anything interresting.

 

Thanks for reading and commenting