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Forgotten Realms "Dear Abby" letters


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Hope you guys can give me a hand with something creative and humorous. I need tongue-in-cheek questions submitted from the vantage of any type of character in the Forgotten Realms you'd care to conceive (commoner, merchant, nobility, adventurer, you name it) seeking advice for a problem "Dear Abby" style. It could even be from a major NPC in the Realms but, as always, it would be signed incognito.


This material will be for a monthly column in a newsletter. I'm thinking of titling it "Dear Abazigal." (The evil blue dragon Bhaalspawn from the BG2 game. Yeah, I know it's corny.) I guess I'll run with that. So the letters can be headed "Dear Abazigal."

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What about:




Dear Abazigal,



My son was recently playing in the woods behind our farmstead and brought back with him a kobold. My son claims that he has been feeding it for weeks and it is now very tame. The little thing is certainly very affectionate, and I have really noticed the drop in the rat population near our grain store. However, the creature just won't respond to house training, and I keep finding "surprises" everywhere around the house. My husband says that the things are just untrainable, attract more of their kind and we'd be better off with a cat. What should I do?



Capering Kobold

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Dear Abazigal,


For some time now, I've felt like I am all alone. No one else seems to understand what I'm going through! My childhood friend has been kidnapped, my lover's in a snit, everybody expects me to solve all their problems for them, and I can't even get a good night's sleep, anymore, without dreaming of this scarred mage trying to get me to blow things up. And all because my father was the dead god of murder!


I am starting to feel as if there is no way out.


What do I need to do to get my life back? All I want is a break from the constant assault from shadow thieves/vampires/assassins/bounty hunters/evil twisted mages/gnome illusionist-thieves!

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Lol! Thanks! This has actually been a lot of fun as I've gathered dozens such letters already in one day from various quarters. Some of them are truly hilarious.


Here's one I did for illustration purposes, where I transposed an actual Dear Abby letter into a Forgotten Realms spoof:


Dear Abazigal,


I know you hear this all the time, but I really can't believe I'm writing to you. I'm a 41,000 year-old dracoliche with a great job and a dedicated army of undead minions. I have always had a temper, but I'm usually pretty good at keeping it under control. I don't get physical when I'm angry, but I do yell and cast Disintegrate a lot. My wife (she's a banshee) and teenage daughters (they're vampires) get out of my way when I lose it, but I know they're worried about my behavior.


Abazigal, the Nullification unholy days really got to me this year. Some intrigues I was plotting in Thay didn't come through. The pressure to conquer a new land was overwhelming, and I ended up losing more factions than I had planned. Instead of being of joyous, the holidays were anything BUT. There was a big blowup, and, well, I said some pretty ugly things to my family--things I deeply regret.


My wife told me that you had written something about anger. Can you tell me what it was and how I can get it? I'm serious about changing my behavior before it escalates.


Just call me,


Undeadly in Unther


Anyway, the letters are funny, and I'm eager to read the responses! I'll probably have to find a ghost writer for Abazigal Van Buren, as I know we can find a better humorist than me.


What will a LE blue dragon Bhaalspawn have to say about all these personal problems?


One suggestion I've received was to have the letters addressed to Elminster, title the column "Ask Elminster," or "Tell El." But I still sort of like the pun with Abazigal, and the notion of developing the persona of an evil blue dragon as self-styled advice guru. It's a little kookier and more whimsical.

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Ah, can't say I'm surprised that it's been done somewhere else already! Well anyway, it'll still be a fun little column. I'm really looking forward to the responses from "Abby."

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dear Abazigal,


i'm one of the higher-ups in the shadow theif guild, and i've been having, well, an affair with one of my underlings. before you say it's wrong, it gets worse.

she was captured and jailed during one of her missions, and i'm supposed to make the decision about whether to pay a hefty bribe for her release or not.

the thing is, she's not a very good theif, and personally, i don't feel that the gold is worth it. however, i know that if i make her wait, our romance will be over. what should i do?



Uncertain in Athkatla

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