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It happened on the way to the inn


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Hello everybody!


Obviously, I'm a first time poster and this story is my attempt at TOB humor. Feel free to comment if you like it. :rolleyes:


Here goes...





It happened on the way to the inn



Chapter 1


(In which a Bhaalspawn currently under a feeblemind spell encounters the most handsome man ever to walk the face of Toril. Or not.)



“Where’s Jaheira with that ‘dispel magic’ when you really need it?â€Â



The party:

Raesa (the PC), Anomen, Sarevok, Imoen, Jaheira, Edwin, Minsc and Boo



Standard Disclaimer:


- A group of weary adventurers make their way towards the Saradush inn, blissfully unaware of the fact that their commander and chief had taken a severe blow to the head in addition to a feeblemind spell in the course of their previous battle, thus making her not responsible for her actions for the next half hour. -


Thank you.




Raesa: (gapes rather stupidly at the rapidly closing fireball) Oh… Look at all the pretty colors.


Jaheira: Oh, do come along child. (drags her along forcibly) I have nor the time nor patience now for your ill timed attempts at humor.


Imoen: (grumbles) That’s because you have no sense of humor.


Jaheira: What did you say?


Imoen: (smiles brightly) Nothing! Just admiring the scenery. (ducks another fireball)


Edwin: Useless simians, the bunch of them. (Why do I degrade my splendid persona by traveling with these idiots? It is not as though they have anything of value to contribute.) (sees Imoen staring meaningfully at his hands) What? Avert your eyes girl. Nothing to see here. (resumes counting gold coins and translates the amount into an the exact purchasable number of gasping concubines, his all time favorite currency)


Imoen: Aw…That’s right Eddie, you’re the man. We all bow before your superior intellect, *cough* Nether scroll*chough*. And your perfect command of the arcane should also be commended.


Edwin: (eyes Imoen suspiciously) What was that girl? (Who told her?!)


Imoen: I’m just complimenting you, oh great arch mage. *cough*Edwina*cough*


Minsc: Ah, yes. Minsc and Boo remember fair Edwina well little Imoen. (pets the rodent perched on his shoulder) Don’t we Boo?


Boo: Squeak.


Minsc: Yes, Boo just reminded Minsc this was before we rescued little Imoen from the clutches of the most evil of all evil wizards. The lady Edwina was our stalwart…Eh…what does that word mean Boo? (he consults briefly with the rodent before continuing) Yes, our stalwart companion and a good witch, just like our fair departed Dynaheir. Minsc and Boo were her valiant protectors.


Edwin: (Edwin’s eyes bulge and he starts sputtering) What?!


Minsc: (ignores him) What glorious times we had! Many an evil behind was thoroughly kicked and fun was had by all! Ha, ha! Well, except for the evildoers, but Boo says that is beside the point. Ah, I tell you, lady Edwina had eyes for Minsc and Minsc had eyes for her and in time, perhaps they could have been more then just mere companions.


Edwin: (lacks words to adequately describe the sheer depth of his horror)


Anomen: (grins broadly) Ah, the fair lady Edwina. I once asked for her favor myself, but was most cruelly refused. Aye Minsc, her heart surely belonged to you from the very start. This is no doubt why she rebuffed all my advances.


Edwin: (Note to self. Kill idiot knight with personally modified Abi-Dalzim’s Horrid Wilting. From the bottom up. Slowly.)


Minsc: (glares at the wizard’s interruption) But, one sad day, after Minsc and his mighty buttkicking friend Raesa won a great battle against a slightly less evil wizard, the fair Edwina vanished, never to return. (he bows his head sadly)


Imoen: (pats his arm reassuringly) There, there big guy. I’m sure she’s never truly far away. Not really. (she snickers and pokes her tongue at Edwin) In spirit, that is.


Minsc: Minsc and Boo thank you, little Imoen. You are very smart and Minsc is sure you are right. Though, there is one thing that Minsc does not understand. Perhaps the ambiguously evil wizard could explain?


Edwin: Yeesss. What is it that you wish, you overgrown rashameni chimpanzee? (Only without the hair. The intelligence level is about the same. No. I stand corrected; that would not be a fair comparison. To the chimpanzee.)


Minsc: When the slightly less evil wizard was defeated, Edwin returned. But he wore fair Edwina’s clothes. How is this possible?


Jaheira: Do not concern yourself Minsc. What Edwin gets up to in his spare time is none of our business. Indeed, I for one, do not wish to know.


Edwin: (sputtering) Why you… (One day. One day.) Now, where was I? (resumes his counting) Bah! The simians made me loose count. (From the beginning. One, two, three…)


Sarevok: (shakes his head) Raesa, the fact you managed to stay alive, let alone come inches within grasping your birthright with companions such as these, must be one of the great mysteries of this Age. It is as though I am traveling in the company of the permanently feebleminded.


Raesa: Uh… there go the pretty colors again.


Sarevok: As I said. Feebleminded. (gives her an odd look)



-The band of weary adventures enters the Saradush inn, looking for rest and nourishment-



Imoen: Oh, look Edwin. Concubines! (she points to the far corner of the inn)


Edwin: (perks up) Concubines? Where? (Let the bargaining begin!)


Imoen: (snickers)


Jaheira: Honestly man, you should know better by now.


Mincs: (looks confused) What are these c o n c u b i n e s Boo? (listens) Oh… Oh! Evil wizard, Boo says you should not take advantage of innocent young girls in this way. Or Minsc will give you such a buttkicking your backside will forever be marked by the mighty imprints of justice!


Edwin: Simians. I am surrounded by simians.


Sarevok: For once wizard, I agree with you.


Anomen: My lady, do you wish to retire for the night? You look…odd.


Raesa: (frowning) What? (quietly) Who are these people? (looks at Anomen who is currently eying her concernedly) He looks familiar.



-In this moment a barmaid hits an elf squarely in the jaw. He hits the ground with a resounding thud.-



The unknown elf: So, that’s a definite ‘no’ then?


Raesa: (some of her confusion clears) You look familiar too. (thinks) Salvanas? (her features are brightened by a happy smile as the feeblemind spell works it’s strange and horrifying effect on the unsuspecting Bhaalspawn; children, do not try this at home) Salvanas! Darling!


The party: (in unison) Darling?


Boo: Squeak!



To be continued...



Next time:


Chapter 2


(In which Edwin fails to learn not all concubines are gasping concubines and Raesa attempts to woo a suddenly reluctant Salvanas. Much hilarity ensues and Minsc becomes confused in regards to his gradation of the evilness of wizards. The feeblemind spell shows no sign of wearing off. Sarevok wonders if he should have remained a disembodied entity.)

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It happened on the way to the inn



Chapter 2


(In which Edwin fails to learn that not all concubines are gasping concubines and Raesa attempts to woo a suddenly reluctant Salvanas. Much hilarity ensues and Minsc becomes confused in regards to his gradation of the evilness of wizards. The feeblemind spell shows no sign of wearing off. Sarevok wonders if he should have remained a disembodied entity.)



“Why you should always cast ‘resist magic’ on yourself before going of into battle.â€Â



Standard disclaimer:


Edwin voiceover:

-While generally not as satisfying as its more destructive counterparts, the feeblemind spell is indeed a weapon of terrible potency and its effects should not be easily discounted. Not only does one’s intellect shrink to near minscian dimensions under its influence, but, far more sinisterly, vivid hallucinations are commonly reported to occur, lasting for the duration of the spell. These imaginings would usually be the hapless victim’s worst nightmare come to life. Even death has been known to occur; the cause later diagnosed to be ‘acute stupidity’.-


Thank you.




-Our merry band of hopelessly confused adventurers watches in horrified fascination as their illustrious leader throws herself at the previously unknown elf, now revealed to be none other then Salvanas, conqueror of women, known throughout Fearun for his skill at love. *roll drums* The full meaning of the expression ‘ignorance is bliss’ dawns on the party. The disturbing turn of events has even Boo baffled. Minsc, in turn, is delighted at the reappearance of ‘the nice elf’.-




Jaheira: (looks at Raesa) What has brought this on? Have we not agreed this is not the time for these childish indulgences? I swear, you have the attention span of a five year old. (shakes her head disapprovingly)


Minsc: Look Boo! It is the nice elf again. Wave to the nice elf Boo.


Boo: (doesn’t dignify Minsc’s ramblings with an answer)


Raesa: (positively beaming with unnatural joy) Salvanas, my love, where have you been all this time? I have missed you so.


Salvanas: (looks around hurriedly, eyes wide) Are you talking to me? Err… of course you are. Who else could you be talking to? I have missed you terribly as well, my dear… err… Celia? (tries again at Raesa’s frown) Gwen? (pales while her previous expression of joy dims gradually and then quickly transforms into a raging scowl) Err…Maria? (now in a desperate tone of voice) Kayla?


Raesa: (growls) Who are all these wenches?!


Anomen: (finally manages to find his voice) Raesa, what…


Salvanas: (breathes a sigh of relief and cuts in) Raesa! Yes, that is what I meant to say in no uncertain terms. My darling Raesa. Forgive me my sweet, but the sudden sight of your divine face has had the delightful side affect of causing all thought to flee from my head.


Imoen: (mutters) What thoughts?


Raesa: (considers) If you’re lying…


Salvanas: (continues hurriedly) I assure you, my mind is now, as ever, a complete blank. (the party rolls eyes at Salvanas) When I gaze upon you, I have but one thought; the maddening desire to caress you once more!


The party: (reaction can only be described as: ‘Yuck!’ All then turn to Raesa, expecting her to pummel the idiot elf into next Tuesday)


Sarevok: (sadly, this does not happen) Once more? (looks at Raesa in confusion) Please tell me that this is not one of your previous lovers. My opinion of you is low enough as it is.


Raesa: (blushes) Oh Salvanas, you have such a way with words.


Salvanas: I do? Err… yes, I am aware of this.


Jaheira: (sighs) Child, I know you mean it in jest, but you should not bait the idiot so. Even the lowest of nature’s creatures should be treated with a modicum of sympathy. Do not further his delusions.


Imoen: Yeah. Come on sis, enough is enough. You know I’m all for a good joke, but you’re starting to creep me out here.


Edwin: Bah! I am not wasting my time on these insipid simian mating rituals. There are far better things to occupy my superior intellect with. I am off to study my spells. Be warned! I have a fireball ready for anyone who dares disturb my highly intellectual pursuits. (Curses! Where are the concubines? They must be somewhere around here.) (leaves to speak with the innkeeper, gold coins clinking with every step)


Raesa: (suddenly rushes forward and envelops Salvanas in a passionate embrace)


Anomen and Jaheira: My lady!/Raesa! (a stunned silence follows)


Salvanas: (baffled) Is this really happening? (pinches himself) Ouch!




-Meanwhile, in the world of Minsc-




Minsc: (completely oblivious to his companions’ growing horror) It does Minsc’s heart good to see the nice elf and little Raesa become such fast friends. I did not understand why Raesa buttkicked the nice elf before. All he did was kiss her hand! Boo always tells me this is what a gently… gentle… (hurriedly consults with the hamster) Ah yes; something a . g e n t l e m a n does. There is nothing wrong with being a gentle man, I tell you! Minsc is a gentle man; the kind of gentle that crushes evil foes in chunky little foe bits and strikes fear into the cowardly hearts of evildoers everywhere!


Sarevok: (without averting his eyes from the hideous sight before him) And to think this is the party that orchestrated my downfall. (shakes head) I am deeply shamed.


Minsc: (sighs contentedly, ignoring Sarevok completely, then stops and thinks back a moment, frowning) Imoen, Minsc is confused. Before Raesa buttkicked the nice elf, he had also said some very strange words Minsc never heard of before, but Boo told Minsc the words are used to describe things that happen between men and women. Right Boo?


Boo: (does the hamster version of a groan)


Imoen: (glances away from Raesa and Salvanas, gagging; grateful for the momentary distraction) Ah, Minsc… I think this subject is best left unexplored.


Minsc: But little Imoen, why would the mention of things that happen between men and women call for the steely boot of justice to be administered? Minsc speaks of these things all the time and no one buttkicks Minsc. How can this be?


Imoen: (surprised and vaguely disturbed) You… you do?


Minsc: Of course. Did you not hear Boo and I speak of training with little Raesa before? We have done this many a time. We tell her how to hold a sword, how to avoid a blow. Did you not hear Jaheira scold Minsc after he accidentally dropped her supply of herbs in the stream? Minsc searched the banks all night before he found her pouch. After the herbs dried by the fire, Jaheira smiled at Minsc and Boo told him he had been forgiven. All was well once again and Minsc was glad. And what of little Imoen? Did Minsc not show Imoen how to read animal tracks in the wild? (he looks to be confused) Are these not the things that happen between men and women?


Imoen: (with a shaky smile) Yes Minsc, they are. The best kind. (gives him a hug) Thank you.


Minsc: For what, little Imoen?


Imoen: Just for being you, you big lug. (pets Boo)


Boo: (proudly) Squeak!


Minsc: Eh…Again with the philosophical. Minsc is Minsc, is Minsc. Who else could he be? (turns to his rodent) Boo?


Boo: (gives a rather resigned hamster version of a shrug and explains)


Minsc: Ah…I understand now. Where would Minsc be without his Boo? (takes some nuts from his pack and feeds them to the chubby hamster)


Boo: (in between bites) Squeak! (Translates as an old miniature giant space hamster proverb: “A hungry hamster is a cranky hamsterâ€Â)




-Back in the day to day world, Raesa reunites with her long lost love. Salvanas can not believe somebody actually wants him. Anomen and Jaheira are at the end of their wits. Sarevok takes the time to fondly reflect on the time spent in the Abyss. Truly, in comparison, the Blood War wasn’t so bad. Hmm… Perhaps the Tanari are still accepting new recruits?-




Anomen: (drags her away from Salvanas) My lady, clearly, you are under some unknown influence. I must restrain you for your own good.


Raesa: Hey! Get off! (struggles)


Jaheira: (helps Anomen tie her to a nearby chair) You will thank us for this later child. (looks at Salvanas and shudders) Thankfully, we are here to ensure nothing… unnatural happens until what ever caused this strange behavior wears off.


Salvanas: But…This isn’t fair! (wails) She wants me! Do you have any idea how rare that is? (his eyes widen as he realizes his blunder and he backpedals desperately) Err… what I mean to say is, Salvanas is constantly chased by hordes of willing women. Naturally, Kayla…I mean Raesa, can not resist my considerable charms.


Anomen: (advances on Salvanas threateningly) Careful what you say about my lady or I will personally remove your forked tongue from your mouth. For all we know, you worked some foul enchantment on her, so she would fall prey to your disgusting desires.


Sarevok: Indeed. Even by this party’s standards, this is most strange. (points a sharp looking sword at Salvanas) What have you to say for yourself fool?


Salvanas: Wait! (cowers) Let’s not do anything rash…


Jaheira: (interrupts him with a thoughtful look on her face) Were you not in Athatla when the city was sacked? And now you happen to end up jet in another city under siege by a Bhallspawn army? Were you any other, I would think you spying on us. (regards Salvanas disdainfully, who tries to strike up a dignified pose, but fails miserably)


Sarevok: (dryly) Clearly, that can not be the case here.


Raesa: (concerned) Darling! You were in danger? How did you escape?


Salvanas: (recovering) Err… need you ask my dear? Can you not recognize the intricate workings of fate? It was truly the will of the gods that we find each other amidst the darkness of this place. Let us defy the fates no longer!


Raesa: (gushes) Yes! Yes! I accept! (she cries happily)


Salvanas: (blinks) Err…Accept what, my sweet?


Raesa: (drops her eyes coyly) Your marriage proposal, silly. You said it yourself; it was the will of the gods that we find each other. Who are we to defy the gods?


Salvanas: (shouts) Marriage?! (starts sweating profusely) Perhaps I was hasty. (desperately) Truly, the gods must have other, more pressing concerns… (glances around, looking, for all intents and purposes, like a trapped animal)


Anomen and Jaheira: (groan in unison)


Sarevok: Which one of the Nine Hells is this?




-Edwin’s valiant quest is rudely interrupted by an encounter with a terrified commoner, before even a single concubine could be found. Saradush is under attack from within. Since there seem to be no concubines what so ever involved, Edwin couldn’t care less.-




Peltje: (grabs his arm) I’m not insane! I’m not!


Edwin: (shakes off the irritating commoner) Out of my way peasant! (Why must I suffer such indignities?) (notices the lack of movement on the part of the smelly peasant) Out of my way I say, before I reduce you to a smoking pile of charcoal with my superior magic. (Oh, why can’t the lower classes just do as they are told?)


Peltje: (rambling) Nobody believes me. Why would they? After all that’s been going around in Saradush, why think about the fact that there are monsters amongst us, preying on us?


Edwin: Uneducated lout! Edwin Odesseiron can not be troubled by such insignificant concerns. (Why do I bother speaking to these lower life forms? They are obviously too far down the evolutionary ladder to even be considered sentient. Truly, it is a small miracle even the basest of commands can register in their limited cerebrum.) (frowns thoughtfully) Wait… (Minions have no need of higher brain functions…)


Peltje: What? (sighs) You’re right. I’m babbling, aren’t I? It’s just that I know they are searching for me… (the commoner goes on with his insignificant story, unaware of Edwin’s inner conundrum)


Edwin: (Hmm…. Truly, a wizard of my station and power should not be bothered by simple day to day matters. Minions at my beck and call, doing my bidding…. Yeess. The idea has merit. But how would I communicate my whishes to the simians?) (stops to think) (Simple grunting? Sign language? A combination of the two?)


Peltje: (still speaking) The courtesans… some of them, anyway… they started disappearing after the siege began…


Edwin: (Perhaps I could construct a base language for the baboons to use? It should not take long, my superior intellect…) (freezes as he realizes his favorite word has just been used) Wait. (lowers himself to looking at the peasant directly) Did you say ‘concubines’? (Please, let it be true!)


Peltje: (confused) Yes, but…


Edwin: Yes! (Wenches, here comes Edwin Odesseiron!) Where are the young lovelies?


Peltje: (hesitates) You’re not listening. There are monsters in the…


Edwin: (interrupts him) Silence! (Clearly, the cretin is of a more limited intellectual capacity then even I imagined. I must attempt to communicate on his level.) (clears throat) You there, monkey boy! There is only one thing I wish to know. Answer and there’s a banana in it for you. (speaks with exaggerated slowness) W h e r e. A r e. T h e. C o n c u b i n e s ? (Gah! I must remember to kill the smelly peasant for this indignity later.)


Peltje: (eyes wide) They are not here now. (at the wizard’s angry scowl) But they will be tonight! (points to the far corner of the inn)


Edwin: Tonight! (rubs hands excitedly) Away with you, simian. I have pressing matters to attend to. Count yourself as fortunate I have no time now to waste on such as you. (I must begin grooming myself. Yes, it always pays to look one’s best.) (makes his way towards the baths, skipping merrily along the way)


Peltje: (yells after him) But they're vampires! (a beet passes and the commoner shrugs and runs away)





-Minsc, having overheard parts of the conversation, is faced with a moral conundrum of epic scope. Unfortunately, Boo is taking a nap and is thus unavailable for comment.-




Minsc: Oh Boo, should Minsc help Edwin? Are these vampires more evil then the evil wizard? Boo?


Boo: Zzzzzzz…





Next time:


Chapter 3


(In which we see the internal struggle of Raesa, who battles her feebleminded evil twin in the recesses of her mind. Sadly, she can do no other, but watch, helplessly, as the fiendishly insipid twin gushes endlessly over her engagement to Salvanas. Anomen and Jaheira decide on a desperate course of action. Minsc and Boo engage in a battle of wits and Edwin gets more then he bargained for with his bath. Imoen’s prank backfires in an unexpected way.)



Guest appearance by: Lillacor the Non-Sentient, Talking Sword





“Yeeaaahhh! Got ‘em good!â€Â

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Chapter 3


(In which we see the internal struggle of Raesa, who battles her feebleminded evil twin in the recesses of her mind. Sadly, she can do no other, but watch, helplessly, as the fiendishly insipid twin gushes endlessly over her engagement to Salvanas. Anomen and Jaheira decide on a desperate course of action. Minsc and Boo engage in a battle of wits and Edwin gets more then he bargained for with his bath. Imoen’s prank backfires in an unexpected way.)



Guest appearance by: Lillacor the Non-Sentient, Talking Sword





“Yeeaaahhh! Got ‘em good!â€Â



Standard disclaimer:


Elminister voiceover:

In all my long years of studying magic and its influence on those of lesser mind, I have never encountered a more sinister effect then the one that is produced by two feeblemind spells, cast on an unwitting recipient in rapid succession. To my lasting regret, I have seen once valiant, honorable men and women fall victim to its influence and the memory of this horror remains with me to this day. Pray mortal, pray long and hard that you never fall victim to such an unfortunate circumstance…


Thank you.





- Anomen and Jaheira helplessly watch Raesa flutter her eyelashes at her extremely unwilling fiancé, for what has got to be the umpteenth time. Salvanas gulps audibly as hideous visions of impending married life flash before his very eyes. Running away in horror seems eminent. But, as fate would have it, he accidentally glances towards Sarevok, who is busy sharpening the Sword of Chaos, and realizes his life would be cut tragically short if he happened to so much as move a muscle. At the thought, early rigor mortis sets in and, alas, running is no longer a viable option. Collapsing in a dead faint, however, seems likely. -




Sarevok: (eyeing Raesa thoughtfully) So, now that we have successfully bound and gagged our inane leader, what course of action do you suggest we take druid? (smirks) Or do you take this to be an improvement of her general disposition?


Jaheira: (gives him a disdainful look) All things in nature coexist in balance. This considered, one of us was bound to find some amusement in the situation. It is hardly surprising that you would use Raesa’s current misfortune as an opportunity to gloat.


Anomen: (snorts) Indeed. Why my lady drags him along is beyond my comprehension. He is obviously not to be trusted.


Salvanas: (edging away from the party) Clearly, you have many pressing matters to attend to… (none seems to notice)


Sarevok: (ignores the knight completely) You misunderstand druid. I am merely wondering as to when you are planning on noticing the blatantly obvious. Or have you been mysteriously struck blind, deaf and dumb as well?


Anomen: (angrily) I would thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head when conversing with a lady.


Jaheira: (scoffs) And I would thank you not to attempt to coddle me, Anomen. I have been fending for myself since before your mother bore you. I do not need a Helmite wet nurse.


Salvanas: (the door is nearly within his reach) I’ll just take my leave then… (the thought of the old ball and chain gives him courage, or what passes for it in his case, to move his shaky legs in the general direction of the exit)


Anomen: (hurriedly) I assure you, lady Jaheira, no insult was intended on my part. (addresses Sarevok again) Tell me, what would this blatantly obvious course of action be then, foul creature? Not that your opinion means much to me, one way, or the other.


Sarevok: Do not anger me, priest. One day, your incessant posturing will no doubt earn you 4 feet of solid steal right through the gut. (smiles with satisfaction as he sees Anomen tense) The only reason why that day is not today is because I think my ‘sister’ would frown on it. (glances her way) Were she in her right mind, that is.


Anomen: (bristles and clutches at his mace) You can try, abomination.


Salvanas: (decides it’s now or never) At last! Freedom! (makes for the door in an unexpected burst of speed)


Anomen, Jaheira and Sarevok: (growl simultaneously) Do not dare move, cretin!


Salvanas: (his already wobbly legs give out and he clutches at his chest) Aaaah!! (tries to slow his breathing down to a semi-normal rate) I’ll just… sit down then. (slides down on to the floor in a spineless heap)


Jaheira: Where were we? (shakes head despairingly) Silvanus help me, I am traveling with infants! Infants, who have been dropped on the head one time too many. I will not tolerate such foolish behavior! Not with Raesa in dire straits. (points at the bound woman) Just look at her, you fools! (Sarevok and Anomen turn to take in Raesa’s current condition)


Raesa: (lovingly ogling a petrified Salvanas) Mmmm… (continues making undistinguishable noises through her gag, presumably endearments of some sort)


Anomen and Sarevok: (are once again suitably disturbed)


Sarevok: (disgustedly) Bah! Why don’t you cast ‘dispel magic’ on her and be done with it? She is obviously under some sort of enchantment and I don’t know how much more of this display I can take before becoming sick to my stomach.


Jaheira: Do not take me for a fool Anchev! Of course I have thought of this. Both I and Anomen tried to dispel whatever enchantment she’s under nearly an hour ago. (gives him a pointed look) While you were…otherwise occupied.


Sarevok: (curtly) What I do in my spare time, is none of your concern druid.


Jaheira: This is something we can agree on. (stares him down) However, I am merely answering your question. We have attempted this before.


Anomen: (nods worriedly) To little effect, as you can see. I am at a loss what to do next. (frowning) Perhaps it would be best to simply wait for it to wear off on its own?


Jaheira: (looking at Raesa concernedly) There is little else to be done at this point. (thinks a moment) Unless… (looks down and examines Salvanas thoughtfully)


Salvanas: (pales, feeling very much like an insect about to be squashed) Err… Why are you looking at me like that? (anxiously) You won’t … hurt me, will you? (gulps)



-Meanwhile, in the mind of Raesa, two distinct entities battle for dominance. Alas, the score so far is: visitors – 1; home team – 0. Things are not looking good. (warning: reader discretion advised, extreme stupidity ahead; exposure may result in permanent brain damage)-



Raesa: (moans desperately) Why is this happening to me?


Feebleminded Raesa: (watches Salvanas adoringly) Oh my love, to look at you is to lose all semblance of reason.


Raesa: (snorts) Like you had any of that to begin with. (mimics her insipid twin) *Look at all the pretty colors. Uhhh…* (growls) It‘s a FIREBALL genius! You are supposed to move!


Feebleminded Raesa: (hears some sort of background noise: annoying, but ultimately easy to ignore; after all, there are other matters that demand her undivided attention, such as answering the ultimate question, ‘is Salvanas a natural blonde’, in intimate detail) Oh love! My heart is yours, as it has been, ever since our first fateful encounter. (sighs and melts in a true cheesy romance novel manner)


Raesa: (groans) You mean, that one time when I dropped him head first in to the Copper Coronet’s septic tank? (considers) Not exactly what I call fateful, but memorable nonetheless. (glares daggers at Salvanas and thinks back wistfully) The color of dung becomes him.


Feebleminded Raesa: (some of this finally registers and she frowns angrily) Who is this that disparages my husband’s good name? (shakes imaginary finger at Raesa) Quiet! Let me bask. (attempts to think) What was I doing? (attempt unsuccessful)


Raesa: (with scathing sarcasm) Why, pondering on a way to end world hunger in three easy to follow steps, what else? Ugh! Is this hell? (resignedly) It is, isn’t it?


Feebleminded Raesa: (recovers and continues to ogle Salvanas) Such presence you have, my love, both in body and spirit. I see you, standing tall and fierce; a true giant among men. (in the real world, Salvanas yelps pitifully, as Jaheira drags him along by the ear)


Raesa: (shouts) Tall and fierce?! Giant among men? (cries) This is Salvanas we are talking about, woman. S a l v a n a s. Can you not comprehend that?


Feebleminded Raesa: (ignores Raesa and gushes) One day, all men will know of your reckless courage and be humbled by it. Salvanas The Brave they will call you and the world will tremble at the mere mention of your name. (Salvanas now drops to his knees before the druid and bawls like a big baby)


Raesa: (rolls eyes ) The world will tremble? Before Salvanas? Salvanas, am complete waste of space, ask me how, Di’Rias? That Salvanas?


Feebleminded Raesa: And to think I will be there, standing by your side, my love. As your dutiful wife. (beams happily)


Raesa: (shudders at the horrid prospect) Are you insane? (pauses) What am I saying? Of course you are insane. You got me engaged to Salvanas!


Feebleminded Raesa: No one will keep us apart now. (flutters eyelashes insipidly at her fiancé, who does not return the endearing gesture, presumably because of his preoccupation with the small matter of making a desperate getaway) I know you would move heaven and earth for the sake of our love. (Anomen tackles Salvanas before he can reach the door; more bawling ensues)


Raesa: (desperately) Did I piss off any gods recently? (muses) Err… Maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. Are there any gods I haven’t pissed off lately? (thinks a moment and then drops head in defeat) I’m doomed.


Feebleminded Raesa: (excitedly) I can’ wait until our wedding night! (blushes) We will truly be one then.


Raesa: (gags) Ugh! Over my dead body! (feverishly wishes she could pray for godly intervention, but, as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty)



-In the world of Minsc, things are seemingly looking up. Boo is finally awake and ready to dispense advice in exchange for crackers. Lots of them. Alas, Minsc ate it all (emergency supply included) in a nervous fit, while Boo was busy getting his beauty sleep. Needless to say, the hamster is now indeed cranky. Situation could easily escalate to a crisis of international scope. The miniature giant space hamster embassy has been notified.-



Boo: (mutters to himself irritably and ignores the Ranger completely)


Minsc: (searches his backpack for any remaining crackers in a near frenzy) Empty! Oh, what have I done? Boo, do not be angry with Minsc. Minsc said he was sorry.


Boo: Squeak! (loosely translated as: ‘saying you’re sorry doesn’t bring back the crackers buddy’)


Minsc: Woe is Minsc! Tis’ a sad day to rival the saddest days of all time when Boo will not forgive his Minsc for a thing so small. (wails) Oh, where is the justice?


Boo: (quietly) Squeak. (translates as:’*!##*!*#!*#!!*’)


Minsc: (jumps to his feet and brandishes a huge sword determinedly) Minsc will buy new crackers for Boo! And if there are no crackers, or nuts and berries to be found in this little town, he will scour the land and bring back the finest hamster food the world has to offer. (bellows) On this, Minsc swears!


Lillacor: (speaks up suddenly) YEEEAAAAHH! That’s what I’m talking about! A killing spree! I’ll burn and pillage my way through the Sword Coast! I’ll… (Minsc glares at the sword) What? Oh, fine. We’ll burn and pillage our way through the Sword Coast, terrorize and behead every villager…


Minsc: (interrupts) For shame, Larry! These are not the things of goodness you speak of.


Lillacor: So? Who cares about ‘goodness’? I like killing. Makes me tingle all over. (pauses and then jumps in Minsc’s hand excitedly) Come on, come on, come on… Let’s go kill something now! Anything!


Minsc: (shakes head disapprovingly) Beware Larry! This is not what heroes do. We may tear the most evil of evil villains apart merrily on the field of battle, but only because all that is goodness and justice cries out for it! And when justice calls, Minsc and Boo answer with sword and a swift kick in the evil! Ha, ha! (stops to scowl at Lillacor) But butt-kicking tiny villagers, who do not even reach up to Minsc’s shoulders, is not what we heroes do. Right Boo?


Boo: (forgets himself) Squeak!


Minsc: (beams happily) Most glorious day! Boo has forgiven Minsc! All is right with the world once more. Hamsters and rangers, rejoice!


Boo: (does a huge eye roll, well, for a hamster anyway)


Lillacor: (continues) Villagers, nobles, tiny, huge, thin, fat… Who cares? I’ll make them all bleed! Woohoo! Cooome oon… You know you want to!


Minsc: This behavior can not continue! Repent your evil ways and tell Minsc you are sorry! Then all will be forgiven. If not, face the might of hamster justice!


Lillacor: Ooohh!!! There! Get the kid! (one of the smaller tavern guests is understandably freaked by the exchange and leaves the inn hurriedly) Noooo! You let him get away! Get them all before they run too! (in a few seconds, the space occupied by Minsc, Boo and Larry is left conspicuously empty) Darn!


Minsc: Minsc is appalled! You have crossed the line that can not be crossed, Larry! How can this be? Minsc can not stand in the company of those who would hurt small children! Oh, evil day! Larry is no longer a sword of goodness. (hangs head) Now, as all who would do evil, PREPARE FOR THE BOOT OF MINSC, AS IT CONNECTS WITH YOUR BACKSIDE! (realizes Lillacor is, in fact, a sword and swords seldom have backsides, but recovers swiftly) No matter! Even if the evil doesn’t have a backside to speak of, Minsc and Boo will find a way! GO FOR THE EYES BOO! GO FOR THE EYES! (the fact that Lillacor is a sword is, once again, blatantly ignored for the sake of dramatic tension)


Boo: (huffs) Squeak! (in the secret miniature space hamster language: ‘you’re on your own buddy’)


Lillacor: Yeah! That’s the stuff! (glances around) Kill… Wait. Who are we attacking? Where are they? Where are they hiding?


Minsc: Such villainy! You are no longer the sword of Minsc.


Lillacor: (to Minsc) Hey! Baldy! What are you doing? (Minsc puts the sword over his knee and starts to pull)


Minsc: Minsc is sorry he has to do this, but Larry gave him no other choice. (sniffs a little) Goodbye Larry! Minsc will miss who you were, before you fell deep into the clutches of the most sinister evil. Minsc and Boo will remember you! (the sword begins to bend)


Lillacor: Minsc, buddy, old pal of mine… You don’t want to do this! (desperately) I was messing with you! I’m as good as they come, really! (attempts to look endearing, but since he is a sword, there is no visible effect what so ever)


Minsc: (looks unconvinced, but stops bending the sword) You wouldn’t be trying to deceive Minsc, Larry? If there is one thing besides mustache twirling villains that Minsc can not stand, it is cheaters and liars. No one cheats Minsc, I tell you and if they try, they are in for a boot-stomping adjustment to their moral value system! (frowns) Did Minsc have this conversation before? No matter. It is as true now, as it was then!


Lillacor: Buddy, would I lie to you? I love the little monsters… err, I mean, kids to bitts. Villagers too. Wouldn’t hurt them for the world. Cross my heart and hope to die! (whispers) Buy it buy it buy it… I’m way too young to die. I didn’t sow my wild oats yet.


Minsc: (considers) Minsc is not sure…


Lillacor: Buddy? Friend? Pal? Come on… Don’t keep me guessing here. I’m looking forward to some quality time in the scabbard. (whispers) Please, let it be in one piece…


Minsc: (laughs heartily, as he comes to a decision) Ha, ha! You should not worry Minsc so, even in jest. But all is well now that we are together again, Minsc and Boo and Larry, united in the great battle against evildoers everywhere. (brandishes the sword again) All that is evil, tremble! Heroes are reunited!


Boo: (sighs)


Lillacor: YEEAAHHH! Kill, kill, kill! (pauses) I mean, evil beware! Goodness…fluffy kittens… And stuff like that. (mutters) Man, this sucks.



-Meanwhile, Edwin is enjoying his fourth luxurious bath in a row, but his decadent ways are again rudely thwarted by a lack of basic sanitary supplies. Such as five different types of bath oils. Everybody needs those. Edwin is understandably miffed.-



Edwin: (lounges lazily in a king size bath) Bath attendant! (Where is the useless baboon hiding now?) You call this soap?! I would not dream of touching my immaculate skin with this bar of filth. (Oh, the poor quality of service I have to suffer.) Bring me something more suitable for a wizard of my standing. Snap to it! More lavender oil is required also; and do not be so stringy with it this time. (Like he would need it. If water was able to somehow dissolve the protective layer of dirt that surrounds him, highly unlikely as that is, he would surely die due to sudden exposure to the elements.) And bring more freshly picked rose petals for the bath while you are at it.


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (huddles in the corner, terrified and refuses to budge)


Edwin: (exasperated) Peasant! I gave you an order. (This communication with the lower classes is more difficult then I imagined. In Thay, the slaves at least have enough brain power to be able to understand simple commands. Clearly, this is not the case here.) (sighs theatrically) So, I see we must resort to more drastic measures. (clears throat) Pathetic whelp! You have exactly ten seconds to bring me the things I asked for and to start groveling at my feet. If not, by second twelve, you should start wondering why your spine seems to be dissolving. (There, that should do it.) One… Two…


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (yelps and falls all over himself to satisfy Edwin’s every whim… in a highly non sexual way)


Edwin: Better, better… You know, you could make a serviceable minion one day. (Of course, that day is so far in the future, even I am not likely to see it.) ( leans back and relaxes) What to do now? Three more hours to nightfall… (Oh, sweet bliss.) What to do to war off boredom? (suddenly glances at the poor bath attendant who now whishes he had listened to his dear departed mother and became a garbage disposal specialist while he had the chance)


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (trembling) Yes? (corrects himself hurriedly at Edwin’s glare) Yes, oh masterful mage? Is there ought else I can do for you?


Edwin: Why yes, there is. In fact, I’m glad you asked. (smirks) Grovel.


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (confused) What?


Edwin: I did command you to grovel at my feet, did I not? (The question is obviously rhetorical, after all, I do have the perfect memory.) You may start any time. (pauses) And by that, I mean now. (the tips of his fingers start glowing, charged with magic)


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (choosing the better part of valor, he instantly drops to his knees and grovels away)


Edwin: (shakes head) No, no, no… This is not the way one does it at all. (Honestly, the bald tattooed wonder could have done it better.) For one thing, your forehead did not even touch the tiles once. Shoddy, just shoddy… And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Where are the lavished expressions of praise in regards to my appearance, lineage and general manliness, interrupted only by your whimpering pleas for mercy? (No, no… This will not do at all.) Needless to say, I find the quality of your groveling severely lacking …


Imoen: (interrupts suddenly) Well, well, well. What do we have here? A Red Wizard of Thay in all his naked glory? (to the bath attendant) Drop a towel on him or something before I fall into a deep swoon. Or before he does. (glances around) Are there mirrors around here?


Edwin: (screams in a strangely girly voice) Ah! (covers himself best he can under the circumstances) What are you doing here, tailless she-monkey?! How did you get in here? I sealed all the doors myself. (Perhaps she broke through my enchantments? Impossible!)


Imoen: (winks cheekily) A thief never reveals her trade secrets. You know, because they wouldn’t be secrets anymore? (waves at the bath attendant) Hi there! You can get up now. Let Eddie’s imaginary minions grovel at his feet for a spell. Oh, and draw me a nice bath as well. I’ll take some of Edwin’s bath oils. (considers) And the rose petals there seem nice.


Edwin: (bristles) You will do no such thing!


Imoen: (grins) Sure he will! Or I’ll just have to stand here as I am. (starts undressing before a horrified Edwin) What do you think?


Edwin: (shouts) Peasant! You heard the girl. Draw her a bath, quickly! ( Don’t look. Don’t look.)


Imoen: Relax Eddie, I’m not here to ogle you. And I’m sure I have nothing you haven’t seen before. (chuckles) I mean, on yourself.


Edwin: Impudent girl! Avert your eyes from my form. I am not some spectacle to be gawked at by the unwashed masses. (Though, with such a specimen of physical perfection, who can blame them?)


Imoen: (lowers herself into the bath and sighs contentedly) Physical perfection, sure. Whatever you say Eddie. Say, throw me the lavender bath oil. Smells great.


Edwin: (aims at her head with the previously discarded bar of soap, but misses the intended target so that it plops into her bath instead) That’s all you’re getting, pink haired freak of nature. It should suit your style. Poor of taste, crass and inelegant. (Bah! Now I’m flattering her. Next, I’ll be buying her flowers.)


Imoen: (is too busy preparing a prank spell, inspired by her sister’s current condition, to answer)


Edwin: At last, some peace and quiet. Do not disturb me girl, I need to prepare for tonight. (Yes, yes, think of that. Not of… No, it’s to revolting to contemplate.)


Imoen: (finished with her preparations, she turns to Edwin) Oh, Eddie… I have something for you. (unexpectedly stands up and starts to chant)


Edwin: (not even noticing the chanting part) Who… what? (eyes bulge comically)


Anomen: (suddenly bursts in, looking worn and exhausted; Jaheira close behind him) Imoen! We need your… (trails off, as he notices Imoen’s lack of clothing)


Imoen: (startled, she takes an involuntary step back and slips on the bar of soap Edwin threw at her; as a result, she mispronounces the last word of her spell) Ouch! (she falls down into the bath, the water breaking her fall)



-The party watches, as Imoen’s spell hits Raesa with enough force to knock both her and the chair over. Again, something has gone horribly wrong.-



Imoen: Oh, oh…




Next time:


Chapter 4


(In which we see what horrifying new effect the spell will have an Raesa’s psyche and on the lives of those around her. Strangely enough, it seems Salvanas is off the hook. The concubines make a dramatic comeback and Edwin rejoices. For about two minutes. Minsc is still confused and Boo is still not taking to him. Lillacor, on the other hand, talks too much. Will Edwin be rescued? Will he want to be? Imoen reflects on her lack of scariness and wallows in guilt simultaneously. Sarevok has no time to comfort her in any way, due to unfortunate new developments.)

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Well, there have been some changes. Bear with me, please... :)






“An unfortunate case of mistaken identity.â€Â


Standard disclaimer:


Imoen voiceover:

This is not my fault, I tell you… (points at Edwin) He made me do it! (shrugs sheepishly) Not buying it, huh? Like you’re so perfect. (scowls and grumbles) Don’t I have the right to remain silent? (runs for cover) I said I was sorry!


Thank you.



-The party is, again, confused by the disturbing events that continue to unfold at an alarming rate. Though, at this point, no one is overly surprised.-



Jaheira: (produces a long-suffering sigh) Is there no end to this foolishness? (to Edwin, who is now, to the horror of all, standing upright in his bath) Sit down, wizard. I implore you.


Anomen: (makes the grave mistake of glancing in Edwin’s direction) Gah! My eyes! By the gods, cover yourself man! No one needs to see that! (runs to Raesa) My lady!


Jaheira: Anomen is most assuredly correct. (Edwin quickly lowers himself into the bath, a string of colorful Thavian curse words streaming from his mouth) And to think I could have happily lived out the remainder of my days, never being subjected to this particular (almost spits out the word) …sight. (shakes head) Silvanus, why do you try your servant so? (goes after Anomen)


Imoen: (tries to recall the mispronounced word of her spell) It will be fine, it will be fine. Breathe. Just so long as it’s not… (remembers) Oh, no. No!


Edwin: (exasperated) Can I not bathe once without these incessant interruptions?! Are the most basic of common courtesy truly too much to ask for? (Why, oh why do I continue to travel with these inbred barbarians?)


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (glances at the damage) That will be fifty gold-pieces for the door and twenty for the chair. (inconspicuously edges closer to the door – what’s left of it, in any case)


Imoen: (visibly shaken) It can’t be. (grabs her robes and quickly follows the others)


Edwin: (misunderstands) Quite right. (scowls at the commoner) It should be closer to five coppers for the lot. (sighs) My share of the party treasure has a higher purpose then to serve as some sort of mundane payment for broken furniture of a, undoubtedly, questionable quality. (the narrator interjects: *cough* must-use-ill-gotten-gains-to-purchase-scores-of-gasping-concubines *cough*) A Red Wizard of Thay, seen reimbursing a commoner? (Humph! Unlikely.) (shouts after the peasant) Go extort our illustrious leader. She has coins to spare. (The one and only reason why I put up with her.) Dark hair, bound, gagged, currently possessing a mind not fit to rival even the most mentally challenged of dung-beetles… Even one of your intellectual capacities can’t miss her.



-Back in the common room-



Anomen: (unties Raesa carefully) Are you injured? (concernedly) My lady, do you require my healing skills?


Jaheira: (helping Raesa to her feet) Are you all right child? (impatiently) Speak!


Sarevok: (dryly) Removing the gag from her mouth might facilitate a faster reply.



-Imoen: (gulping loudly) Please, don’t. No good can come of it.-



Jaheira: (glares at Sarevok) How very droll. I was not aware that you dabbled as an entertainer. Perhaps you could put this newly discovered bardic talent to good use when we stop at the next inn, and earn a meal for a change. (removes the gag) However, this is no time for petty bickering.


Raesa: (is unresponsive at first and just looks into the distance, eyes glazed and unfocused)


Minsc: What has happened? Little Raesa? (scratches the top of his head thoughtfully) Minsc is confused. What can we heroes do to help? Boo?


Lillacor: (mutters) What do you need that flee-bitten hamster for? I’ll tell you what to do. Kill, kill, kill! (the party is shocked at such behavior... not) Just point me in the right direction, buddy, and I’ll do the rest. Woo-hoo!


Minsc: Larry! For shame! (indignant) Boo is not flee-bitten! Look at the way his fur shines, even after a week of not bathing. (whispers) Ever since Boo was taken from his Minsc by a most eviiil boy, he has been inexplicably afraid of water. Fountains in particular. It is most strange. And not productive to bathing opportunities.


Lillacor: Whatever. (rolls eyes mentally) I could be shinier, you know, if you just remembered to clean me every now and then. Spit and polish, baldy. Spit and polish. (in an accusatory tone) Is that so hard to remember? (now fully expressing its manically bi-polar personality, the sword suddenly beams excitedly) Come on, come on, come on! He’s out-dated, I tell you! Space hamster, big deal! I’m a talking sword. Talking! I’m way cooler!


Minsc: (resolutely) No one can replace Boo, except Boo himself. I am certain I have said this before.


Lillacor: (whines) Soil-sport.


Anomen: (exasperated) Helm, have mercy! Quiet, the both of you! (gently) My lady?


Raesa: (straightens suddenly and looks him in the eye) Wait… (a huge smile gradually appears on her face) Yes! The simpering simpleton is gone! Gone! I’m free! (jumps up and down excitedly) Gods and goddesses! You have no idea what I went through.


Anomen: (almost staggers with relief) You are yourself again! Praise Helm! I had begun to despair of ever seeing you sane again.


Jaheira: (releases a breath she was holding) It was about time. (nods) Welcome back child.


Anomen: (cautiously making sure that the ordeal is, indeed, over) Do you now know who I am, Raesa?


Raesa: (unfortunately, it appears that our protagonist has done something quite hideous in a past life) Of course I know who you are, you dimwit. (rolls eyes) I’m not likely to forget you, now am I? And since when do you praise Helm for anything? (her voice takes on a strangely…edgy quality, one not usually associated with Anomen)


Anomen: (confused) What?


Raesa: (scoffs) Oh, come on. You can drop the fake concern. It must have been all fun and games for you, seeing me like this. Well, I hope you savored every second of this while you could, because it’s not likely to happen again. (shudders) Ever. Jaheira, make sure you memorize ‘resist magic’ every time we rest, from now on.


Anomen: But, my lady…


Raesa: (interrupts) Are you mocking him again? Knock it off, I’m warning you.


Jaheira: (suddenly wary) Child, what are you saying?


Minsc: (even more confused) Err… Boo? Could you explain this to Minsc? (no answer) … Larry?



-Imoen: (whispers) Could the ground open right now, and swallow me whole? Pretty please…-



Sarevok: (smirks) Trouble in paradise, I see. I suppose this is a sight better then the sickening display we were forced to endure before. (to Raesa) Under the circumstances, it’s tolerable to have you back.


Raesa: (raises eyebrow) Such a warm welcome. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were jealous. (the general party reaction can be accurately described as: ‘Huh?!’) Now, where is that Salvanas? (frowns) I have a neck to wring.


Sarevok: What? (frowns right back) What did you say?


Raesa: (in a matter-a-fact manner) I’m going to beat the ever-living daylights out of Salvanas. I didn’t think you would object.


Sarevok: (looking uncertain) Before that.



-Imoen: (sighs) Ground. Open. Any time now would be nice.-



Raesa: (gives him a disturbingly intimate smile) You heard me. I think you’re jealous. Though, I can’t guess why. I was under a spell. A very disturbing and creepy spell. (advances on him)


Sarevok: (scowls, but stands his ground) By the fires of the Abyss, what is wrong with you now, woman?


Raesa: (laughs once and crosses the distance between them) Nothing that a little one-on-one time can’t fix. (the general party reaction is now far, far beyond a simple utterance of: ‘HUH?!’ – regardless of capitalization, and multiple uses of exclamation and question marks) Come here. (forces him down on a chair, and suddenly straddles him)


Sarevok: (is too shocked to offer resistance of any kind)


The party: (there is no way known to man to describe this degree of collective horror)


Anomen: (gives it a valiant try) Tis a nightmare. A terrible nightmare. It simply has to be. (gaping in horrified fascination) There can be no other explanation.



-Imoen: (desperately) I am so dead when she comes to. (winces at the sight)-



Minsc: (frowning) Minsc does not understand. Is Raesa preparing to butt-kick Sarevok? Why is she doing it in such a strange manner? Is he back to his evil ways? (now completely baffled) Why are their faces pressed so close together? This is not the way one battles evil villains!


Sarevok: (is appropriately disturbed) What do you think you’re doing? Get off me, fool. (his feeble protests are promptly halted by a very passionate, very freak-worthy kiss)


Minsc: (eyes impossibly wide) This is not possible! Minsc can not be seeing what he thinks he is seeing. He refuses to believe it! (pleadingly) Boo? Could the evil man simply be choking on some really-tough-to-chew beef-jerky? Is Raesa attempting to reanimate him? (off Jaheira’s exasperated look) What? If it happened to Minsc, it can happen to anyone!



-Imoen: (swallows heavily) I think I’m going to be violently ill.-



Anomen: (franticly) Somebody pinch me, quickly! I seem to be unable to wake up.


Jaheira: (averting her eyes) I suspect more then a simple pinch will be required to set this straight.


Anomen: (desperately) Punch me, then. Knock me unconscious, I beg of you. Anything to be rid of this hideous sight!


Jaheira: And doom myself to sorting out this mess on my own in the process? I think not. (glares at Imoen) You are somehow responsible for this sudden burst of unnatural behavior, are you not? What did you do, child?


Imoen: (quickly) Nothing! (relents under Jaheira‘s death stare) Almost nothing. (quietly) It was supposed to be a prank.


Anomen: (shouts) A prank! You have the gall to call this a prank? Look at what your sister is doing! (Sarevok, finally, pushes Raesa away)


Sarevok: (wipes at his mouth) That was… (struggles to find the words) Unexpected. (to this day, this statement is considered by many to be the understatement of the century)


Raesa: (is, for some reason, annoyed at his behavior) Hey! What the hell is wrong with you? (turns to face the rest of the party) And you people! (frustrated) One would think you never saw me kiss Anomen before.


The party: Anomen?!


Sarevok: (insulted) What?


Anomen: My lady, that is…


Raesa: Oh, give it a rest, Sarevok!


The party: Sarevok?!


Anomen: (insulted and confused) What?



-Imoen: (sheepishly) I suppose it could be worse… (thinks) Though, I don’t see how.-



Edwin: (emerges from the bath area, thankfully fully dressed) Did I miss anything of importance? (Unlikely.) (blinks) What?



-The commoner, blissfully unaware of the magnitude of this disaster, speaks up. Poor, poor man.-



Commoner who shall remain nameless: (hesitantly) Is this a good time to discuss the manner of payment?


The party: (an assortment of full-out death glares converges on the unsuspecting peasant)


Commoner who shall remain nameless: (pales rapidly) Eak! (makes a shaky retreat) Perhaps, it would be better to discuss this at some later time. (runs away, never to be seen again)




Next time:


Chapter 4


(In which we see what horrifying new effect the spell will have an Raesa’s psyche and on the lives of those around her. Strangely enough, it seems Salvanas is off the hook. The concubines make a dramatic comeback and Edwin rejoices. For about two minutes. Minsc is still confused and Boo is still not taking to him. Lillacor, on the other hand, talks too much. Will Edwin be rescued? Will he want to be? Imoen reflects on her lack of scariness and wallows in guilt simultaneously. Sarevok has no time to comfort her in any way, due to unfortunate new developments.)



There it is...


What do you say? Should I go with this idea? Or is this too much? More 'creepy' then 'funny'?

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Sorry for the delay, everyone. My computer had been in some serious need of counseling. ;) Here's the new chapter! Enjoy!





Chapter 5


(In which the party gets severely sidetracked by trivial matters. The concubines enter the story at long last… alas, in a rather anticlimactic way. Edwin rejoices out of principle. In the aftermath, Minsc and Boo plan a bold rescue attempt. Somehow, Elminister becomes involved.)





“You are who, again?â€Â



Guest appearance by:


Elminister the Sage (Also known as: “Mystra’s glorified boy-toyâ€Â)



Standard disclaimer:


Irenicus voiceover:


(watches the before-mentioned events unfold- in surround sound) To think that I am rotting away in the lowest level of the Abyss because of these inbred fools! (squints due to bad signal reception) By the eternal fires, what is she doing now? (gasp) This is unbearable! I am lodging a formal complaint with the Beatorian legal department. We’ll see how she deals with them! Burning coals and whips included. (rubs hands in a sinister, but nevertheless emotionless manner) Now, back to work. The details of my new and improved plan of world domination are still in need of fine-tuning. (frowns as he looks for his notes) By the fires of the Abyss! The plan has been burned to a crisp. Again. (cue emotionless sigh) Back to the drawing board.


Demogorgon (The Ponce… *Ow!*… The Prince of Demons): MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!


-Brought to you by the BNTTV (Baetorian Never-ending Torment Television)-


Thank you.



-Meanwhile, the party is shocked and appalled… but all is not lost. Salvanas can be heard in the distance, hitting on another barmaid. The barmaid hits back. Literally. The party draws comfort from the knowledge that some things have returned to their natural state. -



Salvanas: Ow! (faints like the girly-man that he is)


The barmaid: (huffs) Serves you right, girly-man.



-Back to our original programming.-



Imoen: Oh, no. No. (continues to mutter inarticulately)


Edwin: Let us see. A wayward spell, a Bhaalspawn, (shoots Imoen a look) an incompetent, would-be mage… Yes, we have all the prerequisites for a disaster of epic scope. How thrilling.


Raesa: Put a sock in it, Edwin. (frowning) Would you stop staring at me? (suddenly worried) I didn’t get a tattoo that says ‘Property of Salvanas ’ anywhere on me, did I? (gives herself the once-over and shudders) That spell is evil.


The party: (nod heads vigorously)


Edwin: (Hmm… Fascinating. They have mastered the use of sign language. Excellent! They can be put to good use. The circus in Athatla is in need of additional personnel, perhaps? Naturally, one of the simian persuasion.)


Raesa: Whew! No tattoo. That’s a relief. (notices that the party does not seem relieved at all) Fine. What’s going on? Anyone care to enlighten me? (to Sarevok) Anomen?


The party: (once again) Anomen?!


Edwin: (Sir ‘Polish till it shines’?)


Raesa: (exasperated) Is there an echo in here? Yes, Anomen! What is wrong with you people?


Sarevok: (still dazed) An apt question. Now, direct it elsewhere.


Imoen: (backing away) I’m gonna go and be… away. Yes, away is good. Far, far away. (runs into one of the back-rooms and slams the door shut behind her)


Jaheira: (yells after her) Imoen! You will come back here this very instant and take responsibility for this, girl. Or, by Silvanus, I will drag you back here by the ears! (throws her hands up in frustration) Oh, what is the use? This entire day has been nothing short of cursed. Perhaps it would be best if I just rendered her unconscious and hoped this wears out by morning. (gives the idea some serious consideration)


Raesa: (looking towards the back-room in confusion) You want to knock Imoen out? All right. (sighs) What did she do now? Did I miss something?


Minsc: (bellows) No one will knock little Imoen out! Not while Minsc still draws breath! I will not allow it!


Jaheira: Calm yourself, Minsc. I assure you, no one wishes any harm to come to Imoen. (thinks) Any serious harm, that is.


Minsc: This is good. Minsc would hate to have to butt-kick fellow allies of goodness.


Jaheira: (glances at the back-room) Truly admirable, Minsc. At this moment, I am sorely tempted.


Anomen: (fuming) As am I. That girl brings chaos where ‘ere she goes. (sighs wearily) Helm, give me strength! I know not how much more of this insanity I can take.


Sarevok: (sneers) Yes, prey to your deity, priest. It is what you do best. Leave the thinking to your betters.


Anomen: You? You would deem yourself my ‘better’? I will not stand here and be insulted by your ilk. Not after what I just saw.


Raesa: (to herself) These insults somehow seem strangely inverted. (pauses) Was my temporary bout of insanity catching?


Edwin: (off-hand) It could be worse. (to Anomen) Imagine, you could be the one mistaken for a pompous, self-important, arrogant wind-bag. (tilts his head to the side slowly) Wait. You are the pompous, self-important, arrogant wind-bag. I stand corrected.


Anomen: You would presume to lecture me about arrogance? You, whose very breath exudes it?


Edwin: That is not arrogance, merely a statement of fact. I am vastly superior to any of you simpletons. Count yourself as fortunate that I do not require daily worship and ritual sacrifice as payment of my invaluable services. (Hmm… Perhaps my contract is in need of revising.)


Anomen: (through clenched teeth) No more! Not another word from you, wizard!


Raesa: People? (at the moment, everyone is ignoring her) Something is very wrong here. (vaguely worried)


Anomen: (to Sarevok) Jest if you will, abomination. I will not bandy idle words with you, while our leader is in desperate need of aid. (in a dangerously low voice) We will settle this later. That, I promise you.


Raesa: There is nothing wrong with me! You, I’m not so sure of. (stops) Wait a minute. Abomination? You are calling Anomen an abomination?


Anomen and Sarevok (to Raesa – Sarevok and Anomen): (continue to exchange pointed barbs – violence seems imminent)


Raesa: (starts to seriously doubt her leadership skills) Am I invisible?!


Edwin: (has now gathered barely enough interest to bother asking) All right. (with a long-suffering sigh) How exactly did you brainless monkeys manage to get into this horrifying mess? Can I not leave you unsupervised even for a moment? (Honestly, they will want me to oversee their personal grooming next.) (shudders) (No.)


Jaheira: Be silent, Edwin! I am sure you have nothing of substance to contribute to this discussion. Your colorful commentary will not be required. (thinks) In fact, it never is.


Edwin: So this is a discussion, is it? Harper wench, you and I must have radically different views on what constitutes a discussion. None, but those hard of hearing and entirely devoid of sense, would call this a discussion. A simian screaming match, on the other hand, would be an appropriate description. (And I am taking part in it. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.)


Raesa: Um… Could someone explain? (rather desperately) Am I the only one sane here?


Minsc: (excitedly) Did you hear that Boo? We are to take part in a glorious screaming match. Minsc will surely win! All shall know the might that is Minsc’s battle cry! Victory will be ours and we will use our deserved winnings to further the cause of goodness! Evil will flee before the sound of our footsteps, cowering in tiny, miniature mouse holes. (considers) Yes, yes. You are right, Boo. Evil already cowers in our wake. (resolutely) Evil villains shall use even tinier mouse holes to tremble and quiver in!


Edwin: (shakes head) Every time when I think that the Rashemeni mountain cannot get any more intellectually challenged, he proves me wrong. (I would look a genius among any group, but these fools make it entirely too easy.) In any case, druid, our leader is still one short of a full deck. (More so then usual.)


Raesa: (indignant) Hey!


Minsc: Challenge? (perplexed) Who would dare challenge Minsc? The warrior you speak of must possess great prowess.


Edwin: (sighs) And he does it again. Why am I not surprised?


Jaheira: You are well aware of where the exit is. Leave, if you are so bothered by the company you keep. I assure you, you will not be missed. Just make sure the door connects with the appropriate part of your anatomy on the way out.


Raesa: Is anyone listening to me?


The party: (the pointless bickering continues)


Raesa: (fumes silently)


The party: (yet more bickering ensues)


Raesa: That does it!



-Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. Claws, fangs, scales… The usual. The party, understandably, goes: Aaaaa!!!! The innkeeper lets out a girlish squeal and faints promptly. –



Raesa: (turns back into human form) Why people call me the leader of this sorry band, I’ll never know. Honestly! The lengths I have to go to, just to get a word in edgewise. (to herself) On the other hand, I’m finally starting to get the hang of this. (clears throat) All right. What is going on here? I’m warning you, this better be good.


The party: (yell at her simultaneously, with the exception of Sarevok - who looks to be gloating)


Raesa: Stop! (grates her teeth) People! One at the time. I’m limiting the conversation topic to one: your insane behavior and what caused it. (considers) You can berate me for mine later. (she puts an affectionate arm around Sarevok/Anomen, who freezes at the contact – a deer in headlights look about him) Sorry about that, love. (the party cringes, Anomen/Sarevok staggers)


Sarevok: (notices Anomen’s distress and takes the time to briefly sneer at him) Think nothing of it. (tries to disentangle himself hurriedly – Raesa releases him, but remains close, one hand resting loosely on his shoulder)


Anomen: (fumes) Oh, we will settle this. Soon.


Jaheira: (too shaken to notice any of the above-mentioned ) What were you thinking, child? Have we not spoken of the dangers… (off Raesa’s warning look) Very well. You are still under some kind of enchantment, so I will not hold this one incident against you. But, rest assured, we will discus this later. Raesa... (attempts to break the news to her gently) We think the spell you fell victim to has altered your perception somehow… (cannot make herself say it)


Raesa: Um…you’re stating the painfully obvious here, Jaheira. Please, don’t remind me. (cringes) Ugh! I was this close to becoming ‘The Bride of Salvanas’. (shudders) If that’s not a true tale of horror, I don’t know what is. (looks around worriedly) Volo isn’t somewhere around here, is he? I really don’t want this incident documented for posterity.


Jaheira: I assure you, none do. (cringes)


Anomen: (glaring daggers at Sarevok) Raesa…


Raesa: (interrupts him) Wait a minute. ‘Spell I’m under?’ What do you mean by that? I’m not under any spell. (thinks) That I know of.


Edwin: Typical. (The weak of mind are always unaware of such things.)


Raesa: ‘Weak of mind?’ Do you want to rephrase that, Edwin? (gives him the death-stare of the century)


Edwin: I was speaking in general terms. (Better not to provoke her while she’s in such a volatile state.)


Jaheira: (gives her and Sarevok the once-over) You seem awfully comfortable there, Anchev. I suggest you move, lest I do it for you.


Raesa: (frowns) Jaheira?


Sarevok: I stand where I want, woman. (still, he moves away a little)


Raesa: (hand on forehead) I’m to worn-out to bother figuring any of this out. I’m going to bed. (takes Sarevok’s hand) Lets go upstairs. (the party pales, Sarevok bolts)


Sarevok, Anomen and Jaheira: (simultaneously) NOOOOO!!!!!


Minsc: (confused) Boo?


Edwin: (This is getting interesting. In an odd sort of way.)


Raesa: (exasperated) What is it now?!


Jaheira: Child, you do not know what it is you are doing.


Raesa: (shouts) Well, explain it to me!


Anomen: (gives it a try) My lady, I do not know how to say this…


Edwin: Oh, stop trying. By the time you find a way to articulate yourself, I will be an old man. (Though, still a devastatingly handsome one.) (clears throat) To put it in simple terms, Raesa, you are under the influence of a spell that has made you lose what little intelligence you originally had. But, on the bright side, the change is hardly noticeable.


Raesa: (growls) Wizard…


Edwin: Yes, yes. The point. I am getting to it. Aside from the before-mentioned side-affects, there is also the trivial matter of the identity switch.


Raesa: And what identity switch would that be, exactly?


Edwin: Observe. (the king of subtle stands beside Anomen) This is Sarevok, yes? (at Raesa’s nod, he points to Sarevok) That is Anomen, correct?


Raesa: (narrows eyes) Get to the point, Edwin. Five words or less.


Edwin: (Very well.) (counts) Now. Switch. Them. Around. (mutters) Simian.


Raesa: That’s it! (tries to strangle Edwin, but Minsc pulls her off of him before she can do any serious damage)


Edwin: (indignant) Oh, why do I bother? Sort out your own messes! Edwin Odeisseron is done with you! Consider our contract terminated! (At last, I am free to engage in more intellectual pursuits.) (cue in nightfall)


The concubines: (in a booming megaphone voice) May we have your attention, please! Hot, steaming concubines here! Come and get them. Concubines for hire! Will gasp for coin! Preferred clientele of a demi-god persuasion! Concubines for hire!


Edwin: (thinks) An appalling lack of finesse. I wonder who thought of such a crude method of advertising. (But, I must admit, it is an effective one.) (beams) Concubines! Out of my way, peasants! (gold coins clink again)


Minsc: (remembers) Wait, evil wizard! Minsc and Boo have something they wish to tell you!


Boo: Squeak!


Edwin: Whatever it is, I am sure it can wait. (Approximately a millennium or so.) In any case, I am no longer obligated to listen to your insane ramblings. (Article 5, subsection D, and paragraph 9 of my accursed contract. Why, oh why did I suggest it?)


Minsc: (oblivious) Minsc will protect you! The evil vamp…


Edwin: (Indignity after indignity) I have no need of your questionable protection, you enfeebled Rashemeni baboon! Go bother the Bhaalspawn, and leave your betters to conduct their business.


Minsc: But…


Edwin: (growls) I will fireball you if you say another word, you brainless heap of muscle. Farewell! (If I never see him again, it will be too soon.) (leaves to engage in quote-‘highly intellectual pursuits’-unquote)



-Minsc is left alone, puzzled by the wizard’s rudeness. Minutes pass. After an hour or so… -



Minsc: (turns to his most trusted advisor) Oh, what should Minsc do now?


Lillacor: You’re asking me? How the hell should I know? I’m just a sword! (thinks) Well, since you asked… (in a strangely calm tone of voice) I’ve always found a meaningful, open discussion to be the only way to bridge differences between fellow warriors. There is no need to resort to violence.


Minsc and Boo: (a stunned silence follows)


Lillacor: (laughs maniacally) Man, what a pile of horse-dung! That’s what my previous owner used to say. Before he was chopped to bits by a stinking kobold! Looseer! Let’s kill, kill, kill! Woo-hoo!


Minsc: (shakes head) That is a very nice story, Larry. Now, be quiet, while Boo and I talk.


Lillacor: Drat! Foiled again!


Boo: Squeak! (‘When will we finally be rid of this idiot-sword?’)


Lillacor: Hey! I heard that!


Minsc: There must be a way to solve this! (hangs head) But Minsc is not very good with such puzzles, Boo. Especially those with many big words in them. (at the hamster’s nod, Minsc seeks the wise advice of his companions – who, unfortunately, have a puzzle of their own to work through)


Raesa: (Anomen has, apparently, articulated himself) You people are insane! (points at Sarevok) That is Anomen! You’d think I’d know my own lover when I see him.


Anomen: (cringes) My lady, please stop referring to him as your lover. I beg of you.


Sarevok: Yes, please stop.


Raesa: (throws hands up) I give up!


Minsc: (taps her shoulder) Little Raesa, Minsc and Boo have something to ask you.


Raesa: (distractedly) Not now, Minsc.


Minsc: Perhaps the nice druid will help…


Jaheira: (interrupts) Later. Can you not see that I have an emergency on my hands?


Anomen: (frustrated) Do not even think to pester me with your nonsense now!


Minsc: (cries) Woe is Minsc! Brushed aside by the most trusted of friends! (after a moment of deep thought) But I can not stand by and watch a companion walk into the den of the undead. (brandishes Lillacor) Fear not, evil Red Wizard! Allies of goodness will come to your rescue! (prepares to charge the back rooms)


Boo: (tiredly) Squeak!


Minsc: (stops) What is it, Boo? (listens) Yes, you are right. We need a plan. (after a short pause) Minsc will break in the door and bash in vampire sculls indiscriminately! (thinks) Is this a good plan, Boo?


Boo: (sigh)



- A strange shape suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke. Cue ominous music. It appears that some sort of teleportation magic had been used… Oh, never mind. It’s just Elminister and his stinky pipe. Cough. End ominous music. Cough. –



Elminister: Need you perhaps my assistance, good man? Verily, I will be glad to offer it. (the narrator gags)


Minsc: (waves his hands around to clear the cloud of pipe-weed smoke that obscures his vision) Look, Boo! It is the wise mage again… Though, where is the pointy hat? (mage quickly produces said hat – though the narrator can’t help but wonder about its previous location) Oh, there it is! (beams) Wave to the wise mage, Boo!


Boo: (gags as well, in a miniature giant space hamster sort of way)


Elminister: (makes a feeble attempt at a cover-up) Who is this mage that you speak of? Why, I am nothing but a humble merchant, who makes his living traveling from town to town. Retsinimle (editorial note - *snicker*) is the name, there can be no doubt about that.


Raesa: (still baffled) Let me get this straight. That is Sarevok? (points at, lo and behold, Sarevok) I… (spots the abominable mage) Gods and goddesses! Just when I thought that this day couldn’t get any worse. (sigh) Fine. What dire, yet annoyingly cryptic warning are you going to spew this time, Elminister? You might as well get it over with.


Elminister: (upset that his ‘ingenious’ cover has been blown) I know not of whom you speak, child. As I have told your large friend, I am but a simple merchant and a traveler. I go by the name of Retsinimle.


Raesa: (incredulous) Retsinimle? Let me guess, you’ve finally run out of aliases?


Elminister: (chews on the end of his pipe irritably) It is my given name, I assure you.


Raesa: Right. I have to tell you, as far as aliases go, you have just scraped the bottom of the proverbial barrel.


Elminister: (growing annoyed) Are you aware that disparaging an honest man’s good name is considered by most to be a sign of bad breeding?


Raesa: As you are aware, most do find my breeding sorely lacking. If you have nothing of importance to say, get lost. Retsinimle.


Jaheira: Raesa! This is not the way to speak to your elders. (whispers) Elminister must have good reason to hide his identity so. Let us find what that reason is, at least, before you drive him off with your ill-chosen words.


Raesa: (grumble) Fine. You talk to the old wind-bag. (mutters) I mean, Retsinimle.


Jaheira: (still whispering) Honestly, Elminister, you could have chosen a better name.


Elminister: (through clenched teeth) I am but a simple merchant, I tell you.


Jaheira: As you say. (gives an almost imperceptible nod) What brings you here, honest merchant? (more quietly) Harper business, perhaps?


Elminister: (sighs and finally gives up) Nay, Jaheira. I am merely passing by. But, I must tell you, your mage friend is heading towards disaster as we speak.


Jaheira: Edwin? (scoffs) I assure, he is no friend of mine. (intrigued) He is in danger, you say? (her lips start forming a small smile) How… unfortunate.


Minsc: We must rescue Edwin! It would not be heroic to abandon a companion in need. Minsc would never be able to raise his head high again!


Raesa: Well, technically, we are not obliged to come to his rescue. The small print of article seven, subsection B, paragraph one of his ridiculous contract clearly states…


Minsc: (in a tone that brooks no argument) There will be no abandoning of companions in need!


Jaheira: (interjects) Calmly, Minsc. We must discuss this further. We will rescue that obnoxious mage, you have my word. (gives Minsc a full-out, radiant smile) Later. So, Retsinimle, what is it exactly that you trade in?



- We interrupt our regular programming to give you this important news bulletin. -



Edwin: (we see that he is stuck in a dank, underground jail cell) What is taking those morons so long? (Must I do everything myself?) HELP!!!!!! (eyes suddenly grow wide) The contract! What if the illiterate she-monkey had actually managed to read the small print? Damn that article seven, subsection B, paragraph one! (What was I thinking?) HELP!!!!!!!!




Next time:


Chapter 6


(In which we see how Edwin’s attempt at bargaining went horribly wrong. But all is not lost, and Edwin succeeds in charming the pants of a gasping concubine. Sort of. Sarevok and Anomen face an identity crisis.)

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Chapter 6


(In which we see how Edwin’s attempt at bargaining went horribly wrong. But all is not lost, and Edwin succeeds in charming the pants off a gasping concubine. Sort of. Sarevok and Anomen face an identity crisis.)





“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!â€Â




Elminster the Mage (also known as Retsnimle, the Humble Trader)




Lilarcor the Sentient Talking Sword (also known as Larry)



Standard disclaimer:


Lilracor voiceover:


(silence) …. (murmuring sounds are heard) …. (followed by coughing sounds) …What?! (Lilarcor sighs) What do you want, now? (whispering) Ooooh, I get it… (indignant) So I can only talk when you tell me to. (huffs) Well, fine! I don’t have your fancy edumecation, but I’m no dullard! I have things of importance to say. Intelligent, meaningful things… (pauses) So, I’m a bit on the dull side, now, but that’s not my fault! Talk to the big lug that can’t remember to sharpen me every once in a while. (whines) I have more nicks on me than a Rashemani Ranger’s head…


The narrator takes over…


That will be all, thank you. (to the audience) We apologize for the inconvenience. Now to the actual disclaimer… (clears throat) No Red Wizards of Thay have been harmed during the production of this motion picture. An occasional ego has been bruised, however. The narrator bears no responsibility for any lingering psychological side-effects that may or may not affect the owner of the above-mentioned ego… Or for idiot swords that can’t follow simple instructions.


Thank you.


Lilracor: Hey! I heard that!





- A few hours earlier… Edwin approaches a group of concubines (chough-bloodsuckers-chough), practically exuding confidence, preening in a way that would put an award winning peacock to shame. Surprisingly, the wenches don’t seem all that interested and continue to wait for more suitable (god-like) clientele. Edwin is, of course, oblivious -





Edwin: (rubbing his hands in a disturbingly pimp-daddy-ish sort of way – the narrator is disillusioned) Which one of you buxom young wenches shall be the first to sample the limitless charms of Edwin Odeisseron? (Careful, Edwin. That might start a stampede.) (for some inexplicable reason, it doesn’t) It goes without saying that I am capable of handling more then merely one of you, but let us start off traditionally. (So to speak.)


The concubines/bloodsuckers: (the tantalizing suggestion is met by a roaring bout of indifference)


Edwin: (This is strange.) (after a pause) I see… You are undoubtedly intimidated by the famed prowess Thayvian males are said to exhibit in the bedchamber. (cue in a seductive smile) Though, I assure you, even such tales pale to insignificance when compared to the real thing. (draws up to his full, proud height) And this Thavyian male is as red-blooded as his cloak. (gives himself the once-over) (Curses! I knew that I forgot something.)


The concubines/bloodsuckers: (yawn)


Edwin: (puzzled) Hmm… They seem to have been struck speechless by the sight of my ruggedly manly, yet highly esthetically pleasing features. (Understandably so.) (to the concubines) There is no need for you young lovelies to start fighting over me. (seemingly, Edwin’s observation skills have been impaired – no doubt the consequence of diminished blood flow to the brain)


The concubines/bloodsuckers: (one of the concubines on the far left gasps… at a chipped finger-nail)


Edwin: (still oblivious) Excellent! I see that we have our first candidate. Let me take a better look. (looks her over, and frowns) No, no… That will not do. (The nose on that one would make for an ideal bird-perch.) This will not do at all. (this, unfortunate, statement finally gets the concubine’s attention, who now looks ready to eviscerate Edwin using only his own spellbook and a very dull quill)


The head concubine/bloodsucker: Go away! You are scaring away potential customers.


Edwin: (gold coins clink again, louder) I am a customer, wench. A paying one. And you would do well to show me some proper respect, before I lose my composure and do something unpleasant… Entirely by accident, of course. (At least where the authorities are concerned.) Obviously, you have no idea who you are addressing. If you did, you would know that it is you, not I, that should be paying for the pleasure of my company and for my incomparable services. (I have always been far too generous to those of lesser rank and breeding.)


The head concubine/bloodsucker: Put that gold away, man. You haven’t enough to purchase our time.




-An indignant Edwin turns to leave… and possibly (make that probably) fireball the concubines from a safer distance (the gold thread on his tunic does not pay for itself)… when a collective oooh! sound is heard. An unidentified Bhaalspawn Barbarian (known even to the casual observer by the ever-present, but hardly practical fur loin cloth) frowns at the extra attention. Uncomfortable with being eyed like a slab of meat (in more ways than one), he silently retreats to the bar. Edwin fumes (in a not so silent manner). -




Edwin: (outraged) You prefer that to a Thayvian male of incomparable erotic skill?! A Red Wizard will not stand idly by and be insulted by your ilk. Farewell then! (Peasants.) (prepares to make a grand exit)


The head concubine: (disinterested) Yes, yes… do go away. (the unnamed Bhaalspawn disappears into the back rooms; a collective awww! sound is heard) Wait… (head snaps up, eyes widen) Did you say… wizard? A Red Wizard of Thay? (grabs Edwin’s arm)


Edwin: (looks over his shoulder) Is it not obvious, wench? But, I have no need or desire to explain myself to you further. (looks to his arm and to the hand gripping it) In the unlikely case that being cursed with an embarrassing intimate disease does not appeal to you, you will let go of me. Now.


The head concubine: (takes a step back) Forgive me, my lord. (doing a 180 degrees turn in manner with considerable poise) You have nothing to explain. (bows deeply, displaying quite a bit of cleavage) It is I that owes you an explanation of our foolish behavior. You see, the sisters (gestures to the group of concubines standing behind her) and I have been placed under strict scrutiny in the past, by the local temple and its priestess. She has made demands for our expulsion from the city. As that is impossible, now (smiles), we have received standing orders from the city guard that we are only to entertain the soldiers and Gromnir’s troops.


Edwin: (eyes narrow suspiciously) And why should I care about this supposed narrowing of the circle of your clientele?


The head concubine: Allow me to make amends for my earlier, unforgivable behavior. The punishments for disobeying those orders are… severe. (laying it on thick, now really milking her 20 charisma stats for all that they’re worth) However… (gives Edwin a smoldering gaze) I do believe that we could make an exception in this one case. For a wizard of such magnificent… physique, I can play the odds of not being discovered. And a Thayvian, no less. ( after a meaningful pause) We have heard the tales.


Edwin: (his high wisdom stats engage in a battle of the ages with a significantly lower part of his anatomy)


The head concubine: (drawls) And we are all willing to share.


Edwin: (Edwin’s brain leaks out of his ears and dribbles to a sticky puddle on the floor, waiting to be mopped up) Err… (Play this smoothly, Edwin.) Hmm… I could be persuaded to accompany you to a more private place, where we could discuss this in further detail. (Yes, that’s it. Calm. Composed.)


The head concubine: (smiles, revealing somewhat sharper than usual teeth) I know just the place.




- In the present, the party is still plagued by the, now legendary, identity switch. Yes, the innkeeper has already given Volo an exclusive… from his unique perspective… as a result, some facts have been altered. In minor, insignificant ways. Really. Our heroes are as of yet blissfully unaware of this. –




Sarevok: (at the end of his wits) Will you let go of me, woman?


Raesa: (forcibly dragging him to the nearby temple) You’ll thank me for this later.


Anomen: (follows on her right) Raesa! We told you what has happened, my lady. Why will you not believe what we say is true?


Raesa: What? That you are Anomen?


Sarevok: He is Anomen, you fool.


Raesa: And now, I’m supposed to believe that you are Sarevok.


Anomen: (still hopeful - ah, the enthusiasm of youth) That is correct.


Raesa: That’s it! (grabs Anomen’s arm) You’re coming along. And after the temple priests take care of whatever Anomen is under, you and I are going to have words.




-The concubines have their way with Edwin… in an extremely dissatisfying way. –




Edwin: (from inside a dank, underground prison cell) What is the meaning of this?! Answer me! (I have been captured by vampires. How undignified.)


The head concubine/bloodsucker: (consise and to the point) We have need of a wizard. An Undead Hunter had taken our last one, before we killed her. (nods to a pile of bones in the corner of Edwin’s cell). You will be turned so that you can serve our needs to the full.


Edwin: (distracted by the decor) How quaint. Wait... (outraged) Me? A vampire? Out of the question. (A ridiculous thought.) Perhaps you are unaware of this (you pissant undead louts), but I am a Red Wizard of Thay. A red wizard. The said color matches my complexion perfectly, therefore, I have no desire to undergo a wardrobe change at any time in the near future, I will have to pass on your... unapealing... offer. (Yes, that’s it. Perfectly reasonable.) The pallor of a vampire would clash terribly with my chosen apparel. (Not to mention the glaring cliché.)


The head concubine/bloodsucker: (frowns) What? (after a pause) You have no say in the matter. Our need for a competent wizard is great – as are our resources. Perhaps this one morsel of information will further the acceptance of your fate. A thief has recently come into the possession of an enormously valuable spell-book, full of rare and powerful scrolls. We will aquire it - steps have been made to that effect. (shakes head) It is a shame that the wizard that possessed it cannot cast a spell to save his life. That spell-book will be given to you after your transformation, and after you have proven your loyalty to me.


Edwin: Rare scrolls, you say? (forgetting all about his current predicament) I must get my hands on that spell-book! It will be mine! (As I am the only wizard worthy of possessing it.)


The head concubine/bloodsucker: (smiles) We are in agreement, then?


Edwin: (dazed) Unlimited power at my fingertips…


The head concubine/bloodsucker: (snaps) Are we in agreement?


Edwin: Must I be constantly interrupted? (sighs) Very well. If you insist, I will answer your less than astute question. How to put this in simple, unoffending terms? (pretends to think) No. Not if you were the owner of the last existing scroll on Faerun. (considers) Well, perhaps if that were the case, I could be persuaded to take over the role of an advisor (And a still breathing one at that.)


The head concubine/bloodsucker: Fortunately for us then, your consent is not necessary. (to the vampires behind her) Search him for spell components. (a shadowed figure steps forward eagerly form the rear, but is met with a decisive shake of the head) Not you.


Edwin: I will not stand here and be searched like some common thug. (indignant) I demand satisfaction! (after a pointed look from the concubines) Err… perhaps not.




- Jaheira, Minsc and Elminster watch Reasa drag the two unwilling men into the temple, the door slamming shut behind her –




Jaheira: (frustrated) She will not listen to reason!


Elminster: (in a soothing tone of voice) Worry not, Jaheira. The effects of the spell will pass, in time. I would have helped, but your young charge seemed determined to… What was the expression? ‘Gut me if I so much as breathed on her’?


Jaheira: (apologetic) She is young. And under a lot of strain.


Elminster: Tis true. I expected as much. (serious) The blood holds sway over her, too much so.


Jaheira: (uncomfortable) Some sway, yes. But she fights it. (straightens) And she will continue fighting it, I will make sure of it. We stand as one, to the end.


Elminster: (thoughtful) And if the balance of the Realms suffers as a result?


Jaheira: (resolute) It will not.


Elminster: (nods after a thoughtful moment and continues to watch the temple door in silence)


Minsc: (after Boo’s in-depth explanation) Oooh! Minsc understands now. Sarevok is Anomen, and Anomen is Sarevok. (stops) But, why do they look the same?


Boo: (sigh)




- Back to Edwin’s predicament –




Edwin: (pacing the length of his cell) Now that you’ve made sure that my undergarments concealed no spare spell components (as if I would risk breaking into a rash there), or any additional wands of power… (raises eyebrow) …of the conventional kind, I would like to pose a question that begs to be asked. Is all of this really necessary?! (gestures to his general state of undress with shackled hands) (The sheer indignity.)


A random concubine/bloodsucker: Quiet, wizard! You have no say here. Consider yourself fortunate that you can be of use to us, instead, and be grateful that you even posses your groveling life. For however short a time. (walks away)


Edwin: (nonplused) The Handmaiden of Lolth manual, “How to discipline the male worm, in ten easy to follow steps†is finally in distribution outside of the Underdark, I take it? Come to think of it, the slave quarters in Ust Natha do share some disturbing similarities with my new luxurious abode. (with dripping sarcasm) How thrilling.




- A cloaked figure quietly approaches Edwin’s cell –




Cloaked figure: Pst. (no response) Pst!


Edwin: (eyes narrow) Oh, do go away! (moves his arms, watching the chains sway) For a man of my high station, this is most unbecoming. Disgraceful, actually. (leans against the wall) Where are the idiots? Honestly, how long can formulating a rescue plan take? Especially one of the ‘break door, kill anything that moves’ variety. (How crude… but, right about now, appealing.) I will not be there to direct them, but no great mental acuity is required there. (Let us be thankful for small mercies.)


Cloaked figure: (interrupting Edwin’s dramatic monologue) Pst! (gestures frantically)


Edwin: (annoyed) You are starting to grate on my nerves. (sigh) Let us try monosyllables, then. Go! (Simple instructions for simple minds… I should write these down for my memoirs.) (no effect) Hmm… Obviously, this is the time to resort to sign language. (makes a gesture that would be considered rude by all of Toril - but is unfortunately considered to be mating call by a better part of Sigil)


Cloaked figure: (comes even closer to the bars)


Edwin: (with air of supreme command – the effort to hide his very own ‘wand of power’ from prying eyes somewhat dilutes the overall effect) Leave me, undead imbecile! (hits the bars with the shackles) Now, back to things of importance. It would be reasonable to assume that I am left to my own devices once more, and take it from there. (removes hands from the aforementioned area to prevent any possiblity of misunderstanding) My escape will be dazzlingly brilliant, naturally. A feat of such bold cunning, masterful deception and ingenious backstabbing that it will live on in song and legend for centuries to come. (It will have to be in dactylic hexameter, of course. Al the great epics are written in…)


Cloaked figure: (risking life and limb, interrupts Edwin’s thought processes once more) Do you hear me? (abandoning futile attempts at secrecy, stands in front of the cell)


Edwin: Obviously, I am not getting through to you, wench. Let me venture a guess. You are so drawn to my masculine charms that your desire-hazed mind is unable to process even the simplest of commands?


Cloaked figure: (words burst out) I can keep up this pretense of indifference no longer. (a dramatic pause follows; Edwin yawns) Yes, I am drawn to you, wizard, against my will and my better judgment both. But there is no fighting what I feel. (whispers) I do… desire you.


Edwin: (bored already) And?


Cloaked figure: (with a shaky sigh) Your elusiveness will drive me to madness.


Edwin: (disinterested) The Asylum is particularly appealing this time of year… or so I hear. (Escape plan, escape plan…) (after a moment of deep thought) (I am drawing a blank, here.)


Cloaked figure: You have no other answer for me? Is there no hope that you might return my heart’s desire? (desperate) None?


Edwin: (not listening) (Escape plan… First, to get rid of these.) (rattles his chains – temporarily forgetting his meager strength stats, attempts to free himself using sheer physical force) Ow!


Cloaked figure: (gripping the bars) Have you no mercy? Hold me but once. Let me tremble beneath your touch.


Edwin: (still bored) Yes, yes… All perfectly natural. (At least someone here’s properly affected by my limitless charm and unparalleled physical allure.) Unfortunately, I would not consider copulating with the undead for all the gold in Calishman. A diviner would never stoop so low.


Cloaked figure: (slumps down) You find me repulsive, then.


Edwin: (gentle as only he can be) Quite. Go try your luck with a necromancer. They are not so picky when it comes to the pulse deprived. (Considering the smell that comes with the profession, they can’t afford to be.)


Cloaked figure: (cries) You mock my desire?


Edwin: Is it not obvious? Though, ‘ridicule’ is the word I would use.


Cloaked figure: (grave) So be it, then. I am thankful that it is yet dark outside, lest I be tempted to greet the sun and escape this sting of your words. (looks away)


Edwin: (ever so helpful) Just go and greet an incoming fireball. Yaga-Shura’s men provide those with annoying consistency. (Concentrate, Edwin. How to get this open?) Key, key… Where is the blasted key?


Cloaked figure: (looks back) Did you say… key? (retrieves an item from the cloak pocket) Something like this? (dangles the object in front of a livid Edwin) I lifted it from Veronica. (pauses) I could be persuaded to give it to you. For a price.


Edwin: (grinds teeth) And what price would that be? (As if I do not know.)


Cloaked figure: A night in your arms and no more. I think it a fair trade.


Edwin: (I can see how you would.) Unlock the door, wench, and I will consider your petition. (confidently) I assure you, the charms of Edwin Odeisseron are well worth waiting for. (And you will wait a long, long time, if I have anything to say about it.)


Cloaked figure: A token of your affection is needed before I do anything of the sort. (in a heated whisper) A kiss, a caress…


Edwin: (hurriedly) A kiss would be acceptable. (Better nip that in the bud, before her imagination runs away with her.) Come closer, wench, and prepare to be overwhelmed by the erotic skill of Edwin Odeisseron. (Although be it of the unwilling kind. Pucker up, Edwin, and think of Thay.)


Cloaked figure: (leans in close) Hold me.


Edwin: (I would rather snuggle up to Craspenar.) (silenced by an ardent kiss, Edwin does not think of Thay, but of what? Let us take a peak into his thought processes) (Categorizing the sensations… for the sake of scientific inquiry. Regular amounts of moisture, temperature bellow normal, but not unpleasantly so, slightly sharper teeth… do not panic… wait. Is that… Is that a…. A stubble?!) (pushes the cloaked figure away) What?!


Cloaked figure: (breathless) What’s the matter?


Edwin: (wipes at his mouth with his forearm) This is impossible! It can not be. (Please, let her be a mere circus attraction.) (sputtering) You… you are no wench!


Cloaked figure: (sheepish) You figured that out, huh? (throws back the hood of his cloak) it is true, I am no wench. (we see the dark, chiseled face of an undoubtedly male vampire… the stubble included, and a Tiefling at that)


Edwin: (a stunned silence follows)




- A few seconds later… loud cursing is heard, echoing through the silence of the sewers –




Next time:


Chapter 7


(In which Edwin is faced with a moral dilemma, the Temple priestess attempts an exorcism… with a little encouragement from a persuasive, if somewhat violent, Bhaalspawn… and Imoen comforts a lost soul, with some interesting consequences)





Hey, guys! ;) Long time no see (again). I finaly had (barely) enough time to put this together. RL is killing me. :D So, what do you think? Too much Edwin?

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