Userunfriendly Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Yes, I am a stinker.. (special thanks to Bri for some help with a creative decision ) ------------------------------------------- “Remember, don’t try this at home.†Said Adam Jansen. “We’re what you’d call experts.†Added Minsc Hyneman. “Actually, you’re just idiots. (Though HOW exactly they’ve managed to live through all the contra-survival behavior they exhibit is one for the sages…)†Muttered the producer Edward Odesseiron. “On today’s show, first we have to introduce our new myth-tern, Kelsey Grommit!†said Adam Jansen. A shy young man steps out into the camera’s viewpoint, wearing blue jeans and a pink shirt. The other two myth-terns, Aerie and Nalia look at him with pity in their eyes. The new guy was inevitably the guinea pig for any new and marvelous ways to meet Helm that Adam could come up with. Remembering the attempt to harness griffin flatulence as a new form of rocket propulsion, they shuddered in horror. The logic had been simple enough. Griffin flatulence is one of the most odiferous stinks in nature. This had suggested to the completely insane gnome that it was exceptionally rich in ketones and combustibles, so they had attached lit torches near the southern part of a north-facing griffin, and fed it a huge bowl of beans. A screaming and hysterical Mazzy Fentan was strapped on the griffin, and everyone ran for cover. The promising basketball career of the once six foot tall athlete was cut tragically short. The doctors had been able to save her life, but her bone structure would never be the same again. Not to mention the irreparable damage done to her hair by the fireball. “Well, hello there.†Kelsey was obviously still rather unused to being on camera. Aerie and Nalia smiled at the shy young man, aware of his probable grisly fate. Unfortunately they couldn’t actually do anything like warn him to run for his life. Of course not, otherwise THEY would be the guinea pigs in this show. Aerie’s debut episode had involved testing the myth concerning the Avariel. Aerie belonged to that offshoot of the Sylvan elves, and Adam wanted to test if the legends of Avariel flight were true. As usual poor Minsc had protested and tried to provide her with protective gear, but also as usual the flamboyant and artistically pretentious producer, Edwin Odesseiron had insisted, “Realism, verisimilitude, and above all the potential for bodily harm are what drives up the ratings!!!†Minsc had to give in, since he was literally hocked up to his eyeballs with animal psychiatrist fees for his friend Boo. The poor hamster was still in therapy after watching Minsc test out the “Ming Dynasty Astronaut†myth. Seeing him in that replica Ming dynasty throne with 250 rockets strapped to the bottom, and Adam lighting the fuse had induced a nervous breakdown. He now quacked like a duck. Fortunately Minsc had worn his flame-retardant long johns that day, or he wouldn’t have made it. Unfortunately, he lost all his hair in the fire, but luckily his huge mustache was intact, since the turnip juice he’d been using to make his hirsute facial decoration grow had made it highly resistant to fire. Poor Aerie had been fed a whole bottle of near beer, and was completely inebriated; singing off key karaoke songs while Adam had loaded her into the giant slingshot. This fiendish contraption had been built to test out the myth about how ancient Amnians had used drunken dwarves wearing battle armor as catapult ammunition for particularly vexing enemies. The aforementioned vertically challenged demi-human in question was a very drunk myth-tern named Korgan Bloodaxe. He had bounced several times, and due to all the jostling acquired a horribly bad case of motion sickness. The resultant vomit spray had landed on anther myth-tern, Anomen Delryn, whose subsequent loss of hair all over his body due to the corrosive nature of the regurgitation had produced a verdict of “Plausible†by Adam Jansen. Aerie’s flight was no less spectacular. Her trajectory fortunately ended in the griffin pens constructed for the “Griffin Flatulence Propulsion†myth, and a huge steaming pile of griffin manure broke Aerie’s fall. Aerie survived her debut episode of “Gnome-busters†with a few bruises, hours of scrubbing before she was fit to rejoin polite society, and a deep abiding mistrust of Adam Jansen. More than once Aerie had talked to Nalia about the advisability of working for a television show that was too cheap to buy a replacement crash-test dummy to be the subject of the insane gnome’s experiments. But ratings had gone up, after the first myth-terns had been pressed into taking Buster’s place, so now it was a regular part of the program. Poor good-hearted Minsc did what he could to provide protective gear, and to render less dangerous some of Adam’s inventions; however the comprehensive boilerplate in the contract they all had signed had rendered most of his efforts moot. It wasn’t so much that Adam Jansen was evil, or a bad person. In fact, the genial gnome actually didn’t possess a mean bone in his body. But he got so carried away with his experiments that he doesn’t realize, for example, that someone wouldn’t want to strap on a diving suit made of chum and jump into a pool of piranha poodles to see if pulling their pompadours will make them stop attacking you. He just couldn’t comprehend that people wouldn’t risk being nipped or yipped to death just to test out a theory. No…the person they blamed the most was their insufferable, annoying and just plain chaotic-evil producer, Edward Odesseiron. He insisted on using the Myth-terns as crash test dummies, citing higher ratings whenever they complained, and then producing the ironclad hire contracts. Oh, it would have been so GOOD to get him, somehow… “Ok, gang, today, we’re going to be investigating the myth suggested in the website in which a cartoon strip showed some gnomes raising a sunken ship by pumping dried turnips into the hold. Now, Kelsey, I believe you’re a professional diver, correct? So all we need is a boat that we can sink, and a truckload of dried turnips.†Began Adam Jansen. “First, let’s see what we can get in the boat yards. I’ve already arranged for the truckload of dried turnips to meet us at the Docks district. Let’s go!†The little gnome was all enthused to begin this new project. The gang piled into Minsc’s pickup truck, and headed over to Saemon Havarian’s Marine Supplies. They pulled up at the Docks district of Athkatla, and piled off to meet with the famous seaman. He stumped out of his office with a peg leg, a hook for his left arm, and an eye patch over his left eye. Poor Kelsey seemed to be in awe of the number of his replacements, and the first word out of his mouth after the introductions was a question. “Err…excuse me, Mr. Havarian, but you sure seem to be missing some parts…†began Kelsey. “Aye and avast, me laddie! Sure and begora, tis due to a lifetime at sea, dealing with scurvy landlubbers, the foul tempers of the sea, and pirates.†Said Saemon. “PIRATES! In this day and age? I’m sorry, Mr. Havarian, but that’s a bit hard to believe!†“Aye, laddie, it sure is. It all happened when I was escorting this incredibly cute chippie and her sister back from an insane asylum called ‘Spellhold’. Some rogue Githyanki boarded us. Aye, that scurvy band was breaking the interdimentional treaties between the Astrals and us here in the Prime Material Plane. Anyway, to make a long story short, their captain hacked off me leg with his cutlass, and that, me boyo, is why I have a peg leg.†The retired sea captain flashed his gold teeth at the wide-eyed young myth-tern. “And your hand?†“Well, that hand marks me one foray into a landlubber business. I was providing some rather ‘hard to get items’ for a monastery in Amkethran, when lo and behold, I ran into the same chippie and her sister that was on the voyage where I lost me leg. They seemed a bit put out at me for some reason, shouting something about ‘Tailor!’ or some such, not that I was able to make it out ‘cause I was a mite busy fighting off some of the local constabulary. I told you that I was providing some ‘hard to get items’, aye? Well, apparently I forgot some silly landlubber laws about bringing in weapons, belike. Anyway, one of the guards lopped off me left hand, and I swore to myself that I would never be away from the sea again. So after a short stay at a hospital, I moved me goods and men to here in the docks, and never looked back. I never did figure out what sartorial service that chippie wanted.†Said the rogue with a benevolent smile. “And the eye, sir?†Kelsey was more than a little wide-eyed at this singular narrative. “Well, that laddie, is seagull crap.†“Seagull crap???!!!†“Aye, laddie. A seagull crapped into me eye while I was looking up, and I only had me hook for a few days.†“Well, Mr. Havarian, let us move to our business, shall we? I assume you’ve got the boat we need?†Adam ignored the goggle eyed Kelsey, who was still trying to deal with Saemon’s story, and briskly rubbed his hands, eager to get along with things. “Aye, here she is, the S.S. Minnow. It fits yer-exacting requirements, a scuttling valve centerline in the main hold, to let the sea in, decent portholes that close, and it floats. Best of all, it fits yer price, only one hundred gold.†Said the redoubtable seaman, pointing at a rather dilapidated and rather battered boat sitting on the water next to the pier. “Marvelous!†Adam clapped his hands and jumped aboard the small ship. “Hey! The door is too small! In fact, this whole boat is too small!†Adam looked at the small hatch, which was just perfect for his own four-foot frame, but would obviously present problems for the rest of the cast. “Well, that be ‘cause she was built by halflings. That’s why she’s so cheap. Sorry matey, but that be the best I can do.†Said the redoubtable seaman regretfully. “Well, I guess that it will have to do. Ok, since it looks like I’m going to be pumping in the turnips, where’s my wetsuit? And I’ll need a hand with the equipment and stuff in the water. Kelsey, you’re up!†Adam and the rest of the cast knew it was useless asking for a bigger budget to get a better ship. Edwin would nix anything that meant spending more money. “Urm…sorry boss, but I got an infection in my inner ear. I can’t dive for another month or so. Sorry.†Said a regretful looking Kelsey. Only Nalia and Aerie noticed the crossed fingers behind his back. “Darn! Well, Minsc’s wetsuit is still in the shop after that “Scuba Diver†myth, so we need another diver. Aerie, Nalia, you guys want some quickie scuba lessons?†Aerie and Nalia quickly shook their heads. “We’re doomed…Adam, we need a certified scuba diver to avoid OSHA violations. Sorry.†Said their cameraman Xan. “Ok, Edwin, you got your wetsuit?†Asked Adam. “What! Why do I have to do this? Jansen, you better know what you’re doing! Grommit, go get my wetsuit from equipment locker B in the equipment truck. (I have a bad feeling about diving with this gnome.)†Said Edwin. After the Minnow was sunk, both Edwin and Adam leapt into the harbor. Both came out again as quickly. Athkatla harbor was near a river fed by the glaciers atop the Cloud Peaks Mountains, and at particular times of the year, the water was literally freezing cold. They stood shivering on the docks despite their wetsuits. “AAAGGGHHH!!! Too cold! We can’t work in temperatures this low. These wetsuits are for tropical waters.†Said Edwin through his chattering teeth. “Well, we do have that radiant water heater in the back of the equipment truck. Say we rig up a hose down to you two and a pump, and the heated water should warm you up. Just stick it into the back of your suit pants.†Suggested Minsc. “That sounds good, Hyneman.†Said Edwin. Aerie, Nalia and Kelsey set up the equipment, and within a few minutes, the little improvised device was setup, and tested. Kelsey took the two output hoses, and handed them over to Edwin. “Ok, Grommit, just hand Jansen his hose. Jansen, go ahead, I need to speak to Grommit for a second. (At least it was Hyneman who built this contraption.)†Edward pulled the green myth-tern away from the others. “Grommit, here, take this, and dump it into Jansen’s hose feed. We really should test out this myth about the diver who had a jellyfish pumped into his pants today. (And hopefully the annoying gnome’s antics in trying to deal with a jellyfish down his trousers should improve ratings for this week’s show. I need a new condo.)†Edwin handed over to the puzzled myth-tern a bucket full of blue plastic bags, which turned out to be Portuguese Man-of-War Jellyfish. Edwin inserted his own heating hose into his pants, and jumped back into the frigid water. Kelsey gave an evil grin, and as soon as the two intrepid aqua-nauts had been down for a few minutes, showed Minsc the bucket. Everyone began to chuckle, except Xan of course, as they realized that here was finally a chance to hoist Edwin by his own petard. Minsc popped open the feed tank for Edwin’s suit heater, and poured the bucket full of jellyfish into the tank. The jellyfish refused to go down the small drain, so Kelsey ran into the equipment van, and ran back to the dock with a plumber’s helper. With some skilled handling of the implement, Minsc was able to force the invertebrates down into the tank vent. “What the…OH DAMN!!! WHAT THE FRICK!!! OW!!! OW!!! OW!!! GROMMIT! THOSE ARE THE WRONG TROUSERS! GROMMIT, YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG TROUSERS!!!†Edwin emerged out of the water as if levitated, and ran screaming toward the equipment van, scratching his posterior furiously. “Urm, Eddy, you really don’t want to do that, you’re just going to drive the jellyfish deeper into your…â€Âbegan Minsc helpfully. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!†the horrifying moan of the damned came out of the van. “Um, never mind.†No one could keep standing, because they were laughing so hard. Only Xan kept muttering something about “beware of a ticked off Thayan’s wrath†but even he could be seen grinning out of the corners of his mouth. The next day, Edwin charged into the common area, with blood in his eye. “GROMMIT!!! Where is he? I’m going to…†his descriptions of the punishments he planned for Kelsey were quite graphic and horrifying. “Well, he’s quit and got a job with a diving company.†Minsc looked like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth as Edwin cursed in several different languages for a full five minutes straight. Then he got a sudden wide-eyed look on his face. “Um…guys, do you happen to have any Preparation-H? PLEASE??? I really need to use the facilities, but my posterior has kind of…swelled up. Please? For your old buddy Edwin Odesseiron?†Adam got a concerned look on his face, and after rummaging in a drawer, handed over to Edwin a tube. Eddy grabbed the tube and made a dash for the lavatory. “I didn’t know we had that stuff lying around,†said Nalia. “Oh, it’s a new experimental product I’ve been developing for Jansen industries. Here, take a look.†Adam handed over to Nalia another tube of the ointment. “Jansen Brand Preparation J. Active ingredients are urushiol oil, Menthol, and oleoresin capsicum. Hey, wait a second! Menthol is the active ingredient in Icy-Hot, and Ben-Gay! And isn’t oleoresin capsicum the stuff they use in pepper spray?†asked Nalia in some confusion. “And urushiol oil is the stuff that’s in poison ivy and poison oak plants. Adam, you really can’t use this stuff for…you know, dealing with swelling and itching at sensitive parts of the body…†Minsc said this with a straight face, even though his lips were quivering with holding in his guffaws. “Oh dear, remind me to call Cousin Beloo to recall all the tubes off the store shelves. No wonder it hardly sold at all. I really can’t imagine what I was thinking…†said the apologetic gnome. “%$#@*&^%$$!!!†Horrible swearing could be heard from the direction of the lavatories. “I gotta bad feeling about whatever myth-tern Eddy hires next.†Said Aerie. They knew that Edwin couldn’t take it out on Adam, because he was one of the stars of the show, so undoubtedly the next myth-tern to be hired was going to be in deep doo-doo… “Today, we have a new myth-tern, let me introduce to you, Mellencamp.†Said Adam Jansen. “And today’s show will feature the myth about the infamous ‘Chicken Cannon’ myth, in which the…†continued Minsc Hyneman. Poor Mellencamp’s eyes grew wider and wider as Minsc continued. ------------------------------------------- http://www.darwinawards.com/legends/legends1998-13.html Link to comment
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