Bri Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 "What floods of bliss! What melting transports! What agonies of delight! Oh Anomen!" shrieked Frika in the wee hours of the morning, her blonde hair billowed around heart-shaped face like a golden tornado. Anomen's head arched back, his hands tightened around his wife's thin waist, sweat poured down his face, when a shadow fel across his eyes. Frika stopped her bucking, a shocked look on her face as she stared at the intruder. Anomen gave one last thrust before he stopped. Anomen first noticed the silver-toed and gold-inlaid boots right by his head. As his eyes traveled further up, he fixated on the highly polished greaves, a deeper silver than the boots but possessed of a cerulean blue enamel on the sides. As his eyes swept the figure, Anomen took little note of the gold belt around the figure's waist, a round tube thrust into the belt diagonally. Anomen's eyes continued their ascent to this new figure, and he noted that the massive unicorn head in cobalt blue on the burnished chest plate. Finally, he saw a thin smile on the face of an aristocratic elf, his oak-brown hair plaited into a single braid, revealing a pair of delicately tipped ears . One hand held open the entrance to the tent, while another hand held an open-faced helm, brilliant red plumage rising above and then behind it. "Are you Sir Anomen Delryn?" the smiling elf asked, his voice an even, deep tone. "By Helm, what the hell are you doing in here?" Anomen snarled. He quickly rose and interposed himself between the newcomer and his wife, a small part at the back of his mind noted that what he saw as a smile was actually a frown. "I repeat, are you Sir Anomen Delryn?" the elf asked, taking no heed of Anomen's question or the state of disarray of the tent's occupants. Grabbing his trouser, Anomen awkwardly pulled them up to his waist, that same part of his mind glad that at least the elf only seemed interested in talking, and so Anomen replied, "Yes, yes I am. Now, tell me, what is the meaning of this?!?" The elf reached for the tube in his belt, twisted the top off, and pulled out a scroll. Clearing his throat, the elf started to read, "Sir Anomen Delryn, let it be known that you are hereby ordered to report to the August Halls of the Verdant Grove on the fifteenth of Mirtul for your arraignment. Furthermore, you are not to be later than half past eight in the morning. Any delay without prior approval will result in you being considered a fugitive of the law..." Anomen's eyes opened wide, and he waved with his right hand, gulping, "Fugitive? Arraignment? What is the meaning of this?" Anomen felt a slim, comforting hand lay on his shoulder, and he raised a hand to pat Frika's reassuring gesture. The elf sighed, and he looked down the parchment once more, and muttered, "Damn humans, have to explain everything to them..." Looking Anomen directly in the eye, the elf sighed, with exaggerated slowness, "Arraignment: It is a noun meaning that an accused person, in this case you Sir Anomen Delryn, to appear before a court to answer charges laid against you. Such charges are brought about by indictment, information, or complaint..." Anomen's temper flared, and he said, "I know what an arraignment is you single-minded twit. What I want to know is why there is an arraignment in the first place!?!" The elf sighed, and declared, "I would advice you to school your tongue in basic etiquette before you appear in court. Idiotic hairless apes. One would think in the millennia of your development, you would learn to think before you speak." The elf rolled the scroll up further, and said, "You are charged with 453 counts of illegal disposal of biological waste matter..." Anomen blustered, "Illegal disposal?!? But...we were in the woods...I...where am I supposed to have gone?" The elf glared at Anomen for this interruption, "You know sir, some...people...take the care of their natural woodlands to heart. Let's see, you almost made me forget my place. Here we go, 172 counts of poaching, 453 counts of hunting without a license..." Anomen sputtered, "But we were hungry...wait a minute, how come there are fewer charges of poaching than hunting without a..." The elf momentarily silenced Anomen with a frosty glare, and replied, "Not all attempts at hunting were successful, of course. What kind of barbarians do you think we are? We take our counts seriously..." The elf looked down at the list, and continued, "You know, with your constant interruptions, we'll be here all day. Now, where was I? Oh yes, 453 counts of hunting without a license, 150 counts of trespassing, 43 counts of arson..." Anomen roared, "Arson? Now that is going to..." The elf interjected, "Yes, arson, I'm quite sure. Regular as clock work in fact. Collecting dead wood, piling it together, and setting it ablaze. For shame, Sir Anomen. You know how easily a fire spreads, especially in a dry season like this?" Anomen stood thunderstruck, mumbling, "But...but..." The elf shook his head sadly, and resumed reading the list, Anomen alternating between wrath and surprise. However, the elf arrived at the end of the list, "However, even all of these might have been overlooked except for one glaring factor. There are 793 charges of sexual congress with a minor..." The elf looked at the list again, and this time a wave of disgust filled his face, "You, sir, are a disgrace to your respective deity..." This time Anomen roared, "What are you talking about?" Frika rose as well, and she yelled, "That's bullshit, and you know it!" The elf shook his head, and said, "No, our seers were quite explicit on that matter. You are currently 106, yes? You were married when you were 105, shortly after you divested yourself of the Taint of Bhaal. Is that correct?" Frika looked at Anomen and then nodded, "Yes, that is correct." The elf nodded, and he said, "Then the law is quite clear. Age of majority is 106..." Anomen's face widened in disbelief, Frika's arms wrapped tightly around his chest, and she said, "But he...we...didn't..." The elf shook his head, and said, "Ignorance of the law is no excuse..." Then the messenger took a last glance at the list, and he said, "Okay, even I have to admit that this is a new one on me. What is this about 'Unauthorized Pastry Modification'?" Frika's face blushed, and Anomen babbled, "How did they find out about that? It was just one doughnut...she wanted glaze...it..." The elf merely shrugged, and then wound the scroll back up and said, "Consider yourself served...have a good day sir, madam..." The elf then handed the scroll to Anomen. Anomen glanced down at the scroll, and grabbed with both hands, promptly dropping his trousers to the ground. The elf's eyes boggled, and he said, "You just can't stop, can you? Are you some kind of animal? Include one count of Indecent Exposure to the charges. Now, good day...sir..." Link to comment
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