Another Mary-Sue Link

[Domi]

I know, I know: we all have heard enough about Mary, all had a defensive reaction at the mere sound of the name (*my* character is obviously NOT a Mary Sue!) but this is a lovely link posted from all places at Attic has a wealth of information on Mary-Sue phenomenon and is thought inducive:

 

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archi...4188.html#33630

 

My favorite source from this collection is The How to Write a Mary Sue Fic in 7 Easy Steps (honestly, people... I at least write blonds, but I did it all even without a guide )

 

http://login.internettrash.com/users/oxfordtown/marysue.html

 

I quickly and efficiently Baldurized it:

 

so. you're a female BG geek and you want to write some fanfic. but not good fanfic. not witty, smart fanfic. you want to write some total crap.

 

you want to write a mary sue story.

 

but you're lacking something. inspiration? skill? creativity? (actually, no self-respecting mary sue author has either of the last two, but whatever.) well, get out your lisa frank notebook and a pen, cause i'm here to hook you up. behold, the mary sue story generator, v1.0!

 

step one: the name

 

i know what you're saying... "but ... shouldn't the plot come first?" no, silly! the plot is always the weakest and least-considered part of any mary sue story! infact, the mary sue is the only element of the story that's developed at all!

your mary sue needs a name, of course. but what? there are generally three methods to naming your sith-squainking alter ego:

 

take any two (or three) of the following names: cassandra, lily, larissa, selena, serena, rhiannon, brianna. mix and match as desired. lilandra? aww, yeah. serissa? oh, yes. rhianna? totally.

make your own name sound 'fantasy'-y. lisa=li-sah, becky=beh-kae, jennifer=jae-nau fyrr...

make up a completely idiotic, vaguely bg-ish name from scratch, especially if your character is a half-drow or something. kiazaru gonn-marr? perfect! bonus points for using a ' (c'sandra!) (especially if she is an elf!)

 

And, after you have created the perfect name, go mix Silver with something and add it as a last name (after all Gorion was forgetfull enough to tell his last name, so we must use it, no?)

 

step two: physical characteristics

 

now that you've got a really stupid, unpronounceable name for your mary sue, you'll want to figure out what she looks like. there are a few things every mary sue must have. she'll need giant gravity defying breasts to push at her modest tunic and armor, fiery red hair, and eyes of either green or violet. regarding height, she should either be a well-muscled, yet still hourglass-shaped, amazon, or a mere waif whose small stature belies her true ability to kick ass. mary sue represent! While you are on physical characteristic, do not forget to add that 'special something' in her background: if she is not a half-elf, then demon or drow blood are especially lofty 'cause gives mary sue a chance for angsty revels about how the whole world hates mary sue unjustly. dwarves or gnomes are non-no! 'cause: ugly, dude.

 

step three: glamourous line of work

 

at this point, i'm going to have to break some pretty troubling news to you: it seems many classes are still not open to mary sues! damn that glass ceiling! at least, i think this must be the case, as all mary sues tend to be either a) wizard b) bard or c) fighter. occasionally they do branch out into other fields - but for the most part, no.

 

the main thing whatever she does, makes her an absolute top-notch and do not let her carrier spoil her looks (fighter still needs to look willowy-whispy, therefore kensais are better than beserkers, duh)

 

step four: abilities

 

all mary sues have a natural roll of 25 in all stats. Chloe is a talent-deprived apprentice compared. There is only one things you need to decide stats-wise before starting your story is:

 

is your mary sue of good alignment or evil alignment? If you chose evil alignment, make sure that she is actually doing all good things, because she has 'reasons' and is only 'evil' to taunt all the stiff-necked paladins. Or, and to show how much *better* she is than Aerie.

 

step five: who should she shag?

 

because we all know that she will shag someone at some point in the story. the most popular options:

 

anomen - in his knightly variation. i don't know why anyone would want him, either, but he is there for grabs. if mary sue hooks up with anomen, he should totally appologize for his arrogance at every moment he's not screaming "yes! yes! yes!" and of course, no anomen fic would be complete without mention of his test.

edwin -- edwin has to be turned into a fluffiest fuzziest whitest Red Wizard on Faerun, who spouts some strained wittisisms after he is turned to all that is right and good. if you choose this scenario, don't forget to have him become friends with Minsc. additionally you can say it is 'original' and 'not like the game' in your fic summary. o, and do not forget to add how much you love in the cards.

haer-dalis-- he's tiefling! he might have a tail! additionally you can say it is 'original' and 'not like the game' in your fic summary. o! and it gives you a chance to contrast your kick-ass Mary-Sue against that little nasty whiny blonde Aerie.

valygar -- he is the guy who said he'd never ever marry. that makes him perfect for mary-sue proof of irresistibility.

 

step six: sex!

"he put his sex in her sex and they had sex!" --sarah's parody of a mary sue sex scene

the sex scene, better known as "the whole entire reason the damn fic was even written", is very important. it should always be awkward and incredibly squickful. if you can make it sound like you don't know how it's actually done, that's best of all. remember-- mary sue sex isn't supposed to be arousing, but embarassing.

you should also try to fit all these lovely -ing words into the sex scenes: "throbbing", "thrusting", "bulging", "trembling", "quaking".

one more note: the male character does not have a "penis". nor does he have a "dick" or a "cock". he has a "hardness" or a "manhood". if you're going to be really risque, it's a "sex". women also have "sexes", or "womanhoods", or "wetnesses". just make sure not to describe genitalia with any term regularly used by anyone over 12 years old.

 

step seven: that thing... whaddaya call it? oh yeah... the plot!

 

apart from not-so-faithful (or au contraire painstackingly fathful) recreation of BG plot, now that you've worked out who's going to strip off mary sue's tunic and make her a woman, and what he's gonna do it with, you have to devise some wanky little scenario to explain why and where he's doing so. just... oh, i dunno. stick them in a training room at the Shadow Temple or a secluded corner of the Underdark. whatever.

 

if you've followed the instructions correctly, you should now have a really really awful piece of fanfic... congratulations!