Disari's comments on her tale

[disari]

Drielle's Tale is basically the story of BG through TOB. It is not just that though. It is just as much a love story. It is a work of fiction. I may use parts of other

mods made for the games. I may deviate from the story a bit or add things as I see fit.

I have played BG since the first release of BG1. I've played or (tried to play) most of the mods that have been released. I love NPC mods. Or add-ins that really do great characterization. I really like all the banter packs.

But basically long ago I dreamed up what I considered the ultimate NPC. He may not be everyone's idea of ultimate. That's ok. He was my ideal. I read a lot of fanfic and am pretty knowledgeable of Pen and Paper DND. (Why I bought BG in the first place.) I have borrowed a couple of ideas from some other fanfics. My NPC was always a Bhaalspawn. But I read a fanfic that made Sarevok an aasimar.

I really liked that idea and since my NPC was tied into Sarevok I used it. It really gave me some context for Sarevok being so powerful and his appearance. It also gave me a lot of context for his brother Kalon. In short using that idea fleshed out my history.

My fanfic started out as a rough draft of an NPC mod that would add Kalon from BG1-TOB. I can't code. But I was trying to write the mod with all the banters and where and how they would take place. Well that turned out to be hard without a rough draft of triggers and such. So I started writing an overview that turned out to be Drielle's Tale. It is not the the most grammatically correct fanfic out there. But my husband read it and thought it was good. Maybe some one will read it and want to help me bring Kalon to life in the game for others. Well what the hell. So as I spell check and clean up some of the glaring mistakes I will post the Many.... chapters of Drielle's Tale.

 

Hope you enjoy feel free to comment on the story. Not so much on the grammar and such. DISARI

[Bri]

Just a short edit saying that individual updates are now fine, as long as after a time period passes (say a week), I then merge them in with the main story.

[BigRob]

It's a little hard to comment on the story itself as we're just starting to get into the meat of things now, going from introduction into plot and character development.

 

The style is interesting, short and punchy, as though the story were part of a journal or diary, but one thing I've noticed is that this tends to flow into the characters speaking as well. Their sentences tend to be short and sharp, which I could understand for Drielle, as it is also her voice doing the narrating, but it gets into Kalon and the others as well, making them sound very similar to Drielle. Imoen seems largely immune though, she sounds like she did in-game, which is good. Jaheira and Khalid haven't been speaking all that much, so I assume they'll find themselves like Imoen did, but it could be a good idea to give Kalon some more personalised touches to the way he speaks (or acts while speaking). Those are just suggestions, there's certainly nothing wrong if you want Drielle and Kalon to be similar in outlook and behaviour (could even be deliberate, no? )

 

 

I do have two gripes. The first is the slightly abrupt way that Drielle and Kalon are introducing themselves. I would like to see that done a little more slowly, more naturally, with the connection they feel causing them to blurt things out from time to time, instead of all right away, if only for the pace of the story. Again, that's personal opinion.

 

The second gripe is in the times when a long monologue is written like this:

 

"I didn't know.

All I know was my mother was beautiful and looked like an angel. A frail broken angel. My birth was a heroic feat for her.

She went through a terrible ordeal to save me from something terrible.

She was bedridden from the time I was born.

For whatever reason her wounds could never be healed several priests and clerics came to try.

My father found her very shortly before my birth in a field far from the keep.

Whatever happened to her she had worn all the flesh from the bottoms of her feet. My father said he could see bone.

I remember as a very young child I would see her on a good day writing in a book.

I remember once in a while she told me of a beautiful faraway golden land. Her homeland I guess. She never said where it was or even what it was called.

I thought when I was older perhaps she was an avriel. Sulan said he once visited with the avriel and my mother wasn't of that race.

After I was about three and a half she just got weaker and weaker. She slept more and more and then one day she just didn't wake up.

So I truly didn't know my real mother. To me she was a sleeping angel trapped in that bed in the backroom.

 

I do know she once had wings but hers were cruelly clipped off at the base.

I never knew more than that until my parents died.

The book my mother had written in was left to me. I read it.

She was stolen from her land when she was little more than a child.

Whatever the powers of her race she hadn't learned to harness them yet.

She was stolen by a powerful man and cruelly maimed and chained he took pleasure in degrading her.

Whatever he did to her robbed her of almost any powers she had.

She bore a child ,my brother, that was taken away from her mere hours after his birth.

Her degradation continued but somehow when she was heavy with me she escaped.

 

The book doesn't name my father or my brother or her land.

It only says she came from a beautiful land where all people are good.

She didn't know what name they gave my brother.

I don't know what race my father is. He must be powerful to have taken her away from a race with the powers she described and render her almost completely powerless.

She said I would sense my brother if he were close.

She said she could sense him somewhere in this direction.

Something told me that he was here on the Sword Coast. I still feel that.

I want to find him and see if he knows anything about our father.

I have sworn vengence on my father, whoever he is.

If my brother is like our father I don't know what I will do.

I am sometimes afraid of my own heritage.

 

What if I am like my father?

 

I have such dark dreams sometimes all murder and blood. I enjoy combat it makes my blood sing."

 

It looks a lot like point form and is somewhat confusing to read. Please have all the sentences follow on directly, or break them up with a little action text if you wish to change lines.

 

 

 

But overall, the story has a lot of potential for some interesting twists on the BG tale. Keep it up, let's see where this goes.

[Bri]

BigRob pretty much summed up the stylistic comments I could make, but this definitely has potential.