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Hello Cthulhu!


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I guess this is where I explain the demented and weird story line of my series. It actually all started out as a joke! You see, I had just seen this incredibly funny and witty web comic called "Hello Cthulhu"




(note, this link is no longer valid... :D  )


in which the creator of the comic, (NOT me, btw) somehow combined the terminally cute "Hello Kitty" character with Cthulhu, the elder god of terror and insanity written in his story, "Call of Cthulhu" and others by H.P. Lovecraft.


So somehow my mind combined fan fiction with "Hello Cthulhu", and I wrote my first submission...in which the Protagonist in my story is called "Hellocthul". She is a sorceress/kensai, who under stress or when she says the magic word, "Chuuuuuu..." becomes a 4 foot tall combination of Hello Kitty, and Cthulhu...called, naturally, "Hello Cthulhu". She is then able to call on her really weird magic powers, and funny and fatal things happen to her enemies.


My protagonist is about 5'11" tall, with pale green hair, and honey gold skin, and of course green eyes. She is a sorceress/kensai, which is not a class allowed by the game. You can create a sorceress/kensai using ShadowKeeper, the save game editor for BG2/TOB. She is also a half-elf, but unlike the other half elven protagonists written up in fan fiction, she is half elven, and half...non-human. We find out her full heritage in the course of my stories, but she is revealed to be at least part dryad. She is very powerful already in my stories, capable of casting "adept" level spells. (9th level and higher.)


I originally wrote the first episode just to have fun with some skits and jokes, but you begin to care for your characters, and your mind begins to write dialog and situations for them. The main tone of my series is she has weird and oddly funny things happen to her, much like in a situation comedy skit. I mostly wrote the series to make jokes and write comedy skits, and this series is meant to be taken in a very light hearted fashion.


I really hope you enjoy reading my stories as much as I have had writing them.


Thank You for reading them! Have fun!

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As Hellocthul woke up in her cell, she groaned and shook her head, which she immediately determined was a bad mistake...her head ached like the time she tried drinking those 7 annoyingly cheerful dwarves under the table in Baldur's Gate...she felt very bad...


Fortunately for whomever woke her up, it was her sis and best friend in all the world, imoen, the only person who could bring a smile to Hellocthul's face when she was hung over...


Immy: Hellocthul, Wake up!!! We gotta get out of here!! He hurt us so bad, I heard you screaming...and that really scared me, sis, you were somehow blocked from turning into Hello Cthulhu, and squishing that evil, psycho, scum sucking bastard....


Hellocthul: Are you ok, hon?? You don't look so good yourself..immy, I swear that for every single cut and hurt you took at his hands, I will make him regret it for a thousand years, in the Abyss....


Imoen quickly brought Hellocthul up to speed on all that had happened, and in short order, they freed Jaheira and Minsc, and after recovering her dead brother's sword from the Djinn, and promising the dryads they will look for their forest north of Trademeet, they quickly set off for the mirror portal...


The hopes of the party were crushed as they found themselves in another part of the endless dungeon, not the hoped for daylight...


Yoshimo: Hello, my dear friends, are you in league with my captors or are we in the same unfortunate situation, as prisoners of a madman...


Minsc: You know us? You called Hellocthul by her nick name...(as usual Boo covers her mouth with her paw to conceal tinny hamster giggles...eek, eek!!)


Hellocthul: Minsc, my nickname is used as a common greeting, you know, "hello" is a common greeting in Faerun...who are you? My name is Hellocthul....


Yoshimo: My name is Yoshimo, you know, "The" Yoshimo, adventurer and rogue?? I fear that I am in a bad situation, as even my vaunted skills with the sword may not be enough to fight my way to the surface...who are you, my friends???


Jaheira: This is Hellocthul, sorceress and leader, I am Jaheira, I serve the balance as a druid, this is our friend Minsc, the ranger, this is Imoen, our mage and rogue...


Minsc: And dont forget Boo, right Boo??? (squeek, eek...)


Yoshimo: Urm...right..as I was saying, there is strength in numbers, may I join you, in your quest to quit this hell hole???


As Hellocthul nodded, the bounty hunter told them about the swarms of mephits that infested the next room, so the party quickly cast spells of defense and ward, and readied their weapons..


As they carefully opened the door, the rogues in front, Imoen and Yoshimo carefully greasing the leather hinges with some mineral oil Yoshimo carried, to quiet the sounds of the door opening, a chittering screaming flock of flying mephits swarmed out, before they could close the door, and attacked Imoen en-masse...


Hellocthul: Immy!!!


As imoen fell, the pain of the deep bites and scratches of the mephits overcoming her in her already weakened state, Hellocthul saw the world thru a pink haze as she sall her sister fall, bleeding...


Before Yoshimo's shocked gaze, Hellocthul's skin shimmered with incandescent light, and a short cat, pale green with a pair of bat wings and fronds of tentacles hanging from her mouth stood where Hellocthul was, dressed in a sailor school girl outfit...with pink and blue ribbons in her hair...


Hello Cthulhu raised her paw, and started chanting the Hello Cthulhu master spell...


Hello Cthulhu: "...cthulhu ftagn! Chuuuuu..."


6 pink amorpheous masses of goo appeared before her, and quickly Jaheira opened the door to the mephit room, and bent over Imoen to heal her wounds...the shoggoths quickly slithered thru the open door, and before the mephits could attack, they began to change...


Each shoggoth exuded a long pink appendage, shaped like a very long sausage, and each sausage began to twist and knot themselves, as if some unseen entertainer was making balloon animals out of the very body of the pink shoggoths...one shoggoth made a giraffe, one made a bunny rabbit, and another made a kitty cat...as the mephits watched mesmerized, each shoggoth made a balloon animal with its body, then as they all finished, they attacked...the balloon animals were blurringly fast, as they battered the mephits into goo, the shoggoth's wielding the balloon animals as powerful clubs...


Jaheira: Hello Cthulhu! destroy the portals, before more mephits are conjured!!!


Hello Cthulhu made another arcane gesture, and a Deep One, one of the fishy worshippers of Dagon appeared...it reached behind its fins, and pulled out a pair of large snapper fish, and shoved the tail of one snapper into the mouth of the other snapper, and as the second snapper gripped the tail of the first snapper with its teeth, the deep one let out an eldritch kung-fu yell, and wielded its fish-nuunchuks against the portals..


Deep-One: Hyuuuuu---hwaaa!!!!


The deep one wielded its two fish with blurring speed, and soon the mephit portals were shattered, covered in fish scales and guts...


As the last of the mephits died, and the deep one and shoggoths faded away, imoen stood up, fully healed, and carefully hugged Hello Cthulhu, as her body shook...


Immy: Hello Cthulhu, can I have a cookie???


Hello Cthuhu: Chuuuu...


Hello Cthulhu snapped her fingers, and a pink frosted cookie with red and blue sprinkles appeared...Imoen carefully fed Hello Cthulhu most of the cookie, and Hello Cthulhu shimmered again, once again appearing to the world as a lovely, green haired half elf...


Hellocthul: Are you ok??? did we get them all???


Immy: Ya, you sure did, sis...pwew!!! fish guts and pink bubble gum everywhere...oh no...look at Yoshimo...


Yoshimo just stood there, drooling, and the party looked at him in sympathy..


Immy: Gosh, I sure hope we dont lose him like we did Xzar...he met us after you had finished defeating that ogre horde, with those cute, fuzzy wuzzy pink vorpal bunnies...and the sight of you dancing with the bunnies, playing leapfrog and ring around the posy as Hello Cthulhu, with those thousands of fluffy, pink vorpal bunnies, still with their foot long fangs, many of which had ogre blood and ogre bits still clinging to them, that definately unhinged his mind...the last we saw of him, he was raving about the ancient ones and the bunnies...

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After Hellocthul dealt with the mephits and the portals, Hellocthul quickly motions to Jaheira to cast a detect alignment spell on Yoshimo, while he is still discombobulated...he glows blue, indicating his neutrality...Jaheira then casts a reveal magic spell on him, and she notes there are subtle flickers of a deeper spell, possibly indicating a deep magic spell or simply traces of a small magical gift...Hellocthul and Jaheira look at each other, both thinking the same thing, "He bears watching"...without a much deeper scan, she cannot be sure what is inside the rogue, and such a scan was "intrusive"...


Yoshimo snaps out of his daze, and as Hellocthul has seen before, when Minsc and Jaheira first saw the transformation, he has no memory of the past few minutes, and simply assumed he was knocked out by a mephit, and that Hellocthul killed them with her magic...


The party moves past the other rooms in this level, Hellocthul uses her magics to dispose of the enemies in this floor, and the party collects some decent weapons and golds....


At the exit, they hear booms and screams and cries of anger and pain...they ready their equipment and open the door....


After the loss of Imoen, Hellocthul is completely devistated, but the extremely powerful paralysis spell Irenicus threw at her made even turning into Hello Cthulhu impossible...


Jaheira: What happened? Hellocthul, you had cast magical protections on us, and I did the same, surely we should have been able to withstand Irenicuse's spells for at least a little while???


Hellocthul: He suckered us...take a look...(she casts a reveal magic spell, and the party can see the pale sickly green glow of a hostile spell surrounding Hellocthul, Jaheira, and Minsc) he set us up with a set trap spell, all he needed was to cast the activation spell, and we were all paralysed and gagged, except somehow for Immy, and she reacted to defend us with her magics...I failed her, I failed her...


Jahiera holds Hellocthul, and she finally lets some of her own sorrow escape her iron control over Khalid....


Jaheira: We will avenge Khalid, and we will take Imoen back from him...


Hellocthul: Even though the very gods themselves bar us and the hosts of the Abyss stand against us, we shall avenge Khalid, and Dynaheir, and we shall bring Imoen back to us no matter the cost...right Minsc and Boo??


Minsc: we shall kick the butts of evil wicked beings who stole Imoen, and killed Dynaheir, and Minsc shall boot them so hard their butts will slide up to their ears...they shall wear their butts for ears, and be mocked by both hamsters and rangers!!! right Boo?? (squeek eek!!!)


The party pick themselves up from the rubble created by the recent mage battle, and help each other reach an inn to rest for a while...


The next morning, the party sets out early after a restful sleep in the inn of Seven Vales to start their search...


After picking up a few necessary items at the Adventurer's Mart, the party heads out for the slums..


Gaylen Bayle: You be the person I am looking for...coooooo...


Hellocthul(in no mood to screw around): And you would be "Speaker to Poultry":D is there a reason you are inflicting on me your bad impersonation of a pigeon???


Gaylen Bayle: Urm...no reason to be hostile, just doings what I wuz hired to do...lets get out of the streets, the very walls have ears...i have information about yur pink haired friend...


Hellocthul: Imoen!!! lead us quickly to where we can talk, and be warned, at the first sign of treachery, you get it first...


After the terms and conditions of the shadow thieves are made clear, the dispirited party trudges back to thegibberlings3.netgibberlings3.netgibberlings3.net prominade...


Hellocthul: 20000 gold!!! we could buy a fully furnished townhouse for that kind of loot, how the hells are we going to raise that!


Jaheira: it will be hard, but we shall do it, for Imoen's sake...


As Hellocthul is about to answer, she is distracted by a small boy tugging on her arm...


Boy: Excuse me ma'am...can you help me?? My mommy went into that circus tent, and she never came out...


After the party whacks Kalah, Hellocthul's true sight spell being very useful indeed, Aerie joins the group...


Aerie: My wings have been clipped...


Jaheira casts a detect alignment spell on her...


Aerie: What are you doing, you old hag, I told you I was a good girl, full of sweetness and kindness and ooooooooooooo............


As the spell hits aerie, she suddenly glows red to the shock of the party...


Jaheira: Oh yes, you are full, of orc crap and hidden poison...


Aerie: Now you've done it, now you've made me mad, I invoke the powers of my true goddess, Loviatar of the winged fang, grant me power to smite these insignificant insects and stamp them into little pieces...


As aerie prepares to invoke her goddess, Hellocthul goes "Chuuuuu" and...




Hello Cthulhu stands before the completely flabbergasted Aerie...


Hello Cthulhu invokes her power, reciting a spell Jaheira and Minsc have never heard her use before...and suddenly aerie screams in pain and joy...


Aerie: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


To the party's shock, two pairs of black bat wings sprout out of aerie's back...


Aerie: YES!!! You have restored my wings!!! My beautiful wings...now I shall fly away and return with a force of snakes and spiders and other fell creatures in endless hordes...savor your days, Bhaalspawn, for they are numbered...MWUHAHAHAHHAH!!!


As Aerie flys away, Hello Cthulhu makes another gesture, and a ripple in the sky appear, next to a puzzled Aerie, and a huge Boeing 747 Jumbo jet appears close to the flying Aerie....


Aerie: EEEEEKKKK!!!!!!!!!!


She is sucked into the intake of one of the jet engines, and the noise of a huge sink drain disposal working is heard...


Jumbo Jet: Grrrrriiiiinnnnnnnddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And as the jumbo jet shimmers into insubstantial mist, the party and most of the prominade is showered with little pieces of evil Aerie...


Jaheira: YUUKKK!!!


Jaheira feeds Hello Cthulhu a cookie...




Jaheira: that was such a fit end for the little bitch, if she hadnt turned out to be evil, I am sure I would have strangled her some night just to keep her from the constant whining...


Hellocthul: You know, no one whines that much...made me suspicious...


Jaheira: Nonsense, Hellocthul, you are just saying that to avoid admitting her incessant whining was driving you nuts too...come, lets move on...


Hellocthul: hold on, Jaheira, you got some evil Aerie in your hair...




Urm...btw, I am actually a big fan of Aerie in the game, its just that I'll make fun of, or do nasty things to anyone from the game if its funny. :D  :D  :D

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After picking off little evil Aerie pieces off their clothes, the party next headed for the government district to see if they could spot any leads...after being told a magic license costs 5000 gold pieces, Hellocthul determined this was an essential item, not a luxury...while all the items they sold off from the dungeon of Irenicus totaled around 8 thousand gold, Hellocthul and Jaheira agreed it was better to take a high paying assignment first before paying off this extortion...


Hellocthul: I can't believe just how obvious those buggers are...I mean here you have this guy selling magic licenses, and another cowled scumbag offering us a bounty to track down this "Vaygar"...just how gullible do we look? Do I have a sign on my back that says "mighty heroine, easily cheated, low wages, too stupid to care??"


Jaheira furrowed her brow, and steped behind Hellocthul, and pursed her lips...


Jaheira: Urm, no, I am afraid not...I guess its just how you look...


Hellocthul hid a smile as she watched Jaheira's eyes dance in mischief for a second...she has been serious for too long...since Khalid...


Hellocthul: It sure was funny how you told off that cowled con man...accept before knowing the conditions...I don't think he appreciated being compared to an earthworm, or a Otyugh backside...


Minsc: Minsc wonders, does otyugh have a backside? It seems to Minsc that Minsc has never kicked the back side of evil otyughs, though Minsc has introduced sword to otyughs before...sword, meet otyugh, otyugh, meet sword!!!


Hellocthul: Urm no, Minsc, Elminster's ecologys state that otyughs are unique in their digestive tract, they regurgitate their wastes thru their mouths...


Minsc: Well Minsc not know what those words mean...oh, Boo says I don't want to know...but this is making Minsc angry and happy at the same time...this makes Minsc angry since evil otyughs are hiding their butts to be kicked by the mighty team of Minsc and Boo...but it makes Minsc happy since Minsc and Boo have kicked so many backsides that evil tries to hide its butt, so it cannot be kicked...


Jaheira: You have read Elminster's ecologies? Yet you have made your disdain for his work clear to me on several occasions, calling him that "rip off artist" and "cheap hack"...


Hellocthul: Well, Jaheira, Elminster practically copied out huge tracks of "Vvarnell's Beastiary", a work that predated the first copies of his ecologies to make volumes 3-7, so when I had my test for "Vvarnell's Beastiary", rather than translate old elvish, which I had a hard time with at the time, I simply read volume's 3-7...and did very well on my test...its all due to growing up in candlekeep, being surrounded by all those books...and having to listen to scholars chat about work every day for all those years...


Jaheira:What is our next move, oh omni present authority figure? (a small grin)


Hellocthul: (grin and a wink) Well, I think its time to get some of those high paying jobs...lets hit the Copper Coronet, like Yoshimo said, once we get a good high paying contract, we will know what equipment we need...I could use a fighting robe, and katanas, and you and Minsc should get some plate, and Yoshimo could use better leather armor, more weapons for everyone...and depending on the contract we find, whether we should invest in mounts or camping gear...


At the copper coronet, they are accosted by a young man named "Nalian"...


Nalian: Will anybody please help me??? I need tough, qualified mercenaries for a high paying short job...


Hellocthul: Hello there, you mentioned high paying job?


Nalian: Yes, I did, my father's keep has been invaded, its a 4 day ride from here...can you help me?


Hellocthul: What kind of enemies will we be facing, and numbers...


Naliangibberlings3.netgibberlings3.netgibberlings3.net: I don't know...my father sent me off when they first appeared, and I and my escort were far out of sight of the keep by the time the enemy hit the walls...my escort was killed by bandits on the road here, but I managed to escape them by fast and dangerous riding....you all look like professionals, have you experience in assault of a keep?


Hellocthul: Yes, I am Hellocthul, a sorceror, this is Jaheira, druid and warrior, Minsc the ranger, and Boo, of course, and this is Yoshimo the bounty hunter...


Nalian: A sorceror!!! Oh my...are you at least journeyman rank??? and Jaheira and Minsc look very tough and competant...and you look skilled, Yoshimo...but please oh please say you are a powerful sorceror....I asked if you were a journeyman rank since I don't know how sorcerors are ranked...


Hellocthul: I am of journeyman rank...how much does this job pay? you see, my little sister was stolen by cowled enforcers for breaking the laws governing using magic on the streets...and I won't leave her to the tender mercies of the cowled wizards...


Nalian: I can offer 10000 gold...lets go!!!


Within 4 hours the equipment is purchased, thanks to Ribald at the Adventurer's Market, and the party is moving in a ground eating pace across the verdant hills of Amn in high summer....


At first, Nalian was all chatty and frequently asking questions, and even responding in kind to Hellocthul flirting with him...but as they drew nearer and nearer to his home, D'arnisse hold, he became more quieter and quiteter...the night before they were due to arrive, Nalian asked to talk to Hellocthul privately.... Hellocthul wrapped her fingers around Nalian's fingers, and holding his hand, they passed from the welcome glow of the fire, and with the light from Nalian's little witchfire, they found a quiet place to talk...Hellocthul carefully wrapped her arms around Nalian, who started to tremble....


Nalian: Hellocthul, I have something to tell you, and I am so ashamed and so afraid to tell you...I've been lying to you....I am really...


Hellocthul: hush, I know...you're a girl...


Nalian: Oh my...how did you know???


Hellocthul: Your elbows...men's elbows can't move like ours can, they are meant to hold babies, I noticed the first day when you were testing out that new bow we got for you...


Nalian: You knew the first day???


Hellocthul: I suspected...after the first night, Jaheira and I cast a detect alignment, reveal magic and a mage sight spell on you while you slept...we do this with every party member, we have had some encounters with doppelgangers in the past before...unlike the combat version, true sight, mage sight won't dispell the illusion, but will show the glamour and the true form underneath...


Nalian twists the bezel of her family ring. The illusion disappears to reveal a blonde, very pretty girl about 18 to 19 years old.


Nalia: Oh my, its good to be myself again...I most humbly beg your apology, Hellocthul, I can only hope that someday you will forgive me and I can find some way to atone for...


Hellocthul: For what? For being so worried for your father's safety you were willing to risk your life to get aid? For taking the highly sensible and smart precaution of making yourself look male, so you will have less trouble on the road? For trusting me enough to reveal your secret?


Nalia: For taking 4 days to trust you...and for another secret....you see, I haven't told you who we will be facing...a mixed force of umber hulks, yuan ti, and trolls...


Hellocthul: Oh Nalian, I guess you are actually Nalia (she nodds) that is the one thing we should have known before hand, we could have stocked up on fire and acid arrows...I did notice when you were buying arrows at the adventure market you were buying all fire and acid, so when I sent Minsc off to get some enchanted sling bullets for Jaheira? You remember? (Nalia nodds) I had Minsc buy several extra quivers of fire and acid arrows...


Nalia: Oh my...how clever you are...and you haven't deserted me....(a couple of tears falls from her eyes) not like those others I tried to hire first, who demanded payment up front for trolls...thank goodness for those adventuring stories my father told me when I was growing up....


Hellocthul: When you mentioned your father , you had me hooked and landed...Immy and I lost our father and our home in one day....(Hellocthul takes Nalia's hand, and kisses her palm gently)


Nalia: (giggle) Hellocthul, its ok, you don't have to pretend I'm a boy any longer...and that you are attracted to me...I am so grateful and happy I have told you everything, and that you are not mad at me...and you are such a wonderful person for still helping me...


Hellocthul: Think nothing of it...and tomorrow, several hours before dawn, we will crawl into that secret tunnel you mentioned, and hit those trolls before they know we are here...and urm....Nalia.....Nalia, I was flirting with you because you are a girl, remember I knew you were a girl the first night???


Nalia blushes deeply: Oh my...oh my...(she holds her hand over her mouth...and her eyelids are fluttering like crazy...)


Hellocthul: I'm sorry, I'll stop if you want me to...


Nalia: Urm....urm....urm....its ok, if you want to, its ok.....(she barely mumbles, and only due to elven hearing can Hellocthul make out what she was saying)


Nalia turns away, her skin still flushed, and walks back to her bedroll...


Hellocthul smiles into the darkness for a few minutes, until she walks back to her bedroll, with a spring in her step...




Oh well, surprising absolutely no one who's read my fanfiction in the Attic and Forgotten Wars Fanfiction forum, I've been writing slash for a long time... :D  :D  :D

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After Nalia and Hellocthul walked back to the fire, she whirled on her toes, and walked off again...


Hellocthul: Nalia? are you ok, you know we really should try to get some rest...


Nalia: I can't sleep...I wish we could make the assault now, not in 6 more hours...I'm sorry, I know trolls have infravision, and only you and Jaheira have infravision, so we would be at a disadvantage if we hit the keep before dawn...and I know we rode the post, and that costed a lot...changing horses every 50 miles, and we are all saddlesore and tired, but even then, I still can't sleep...my father, he could be dying right now...and if we don't get some rest, we will be cut to pieces...


Nalia:(she stretches and rubs her neck) We should get some rest...I still can't sleep just yet, but my muscles are starting to relax...


Hellocthul: Here, turn around...(starts giving Nalia a neck rub) feel better?


Nalia: Do all party members get such nice treatment? Hehehhehe...Hellocthul, I've been meaning to ask you, how is a sorceror different than a mage?


Hellocthul: Well, a mage shapes the weave into spells and stores them in her mind, like memorizing a picture...the actual act of memorization charges it with the energy needed to cast the spell...a sorceror on the other hand....


Nalia: zzzzzz.......


Hellocthul levitated her blankes over, and resting her head on Nalia's shoulder slept....


The next morning, about 3 hours before dawn, Yoshimo, who was on watch woke the party...they moved out using a rope to keep together, with Hellocthul at the lead and Jaheira at the end...they stumbled across the last 3 miles to the keep, keeping to the road as much as they could, the horses led by the half elves in the party...by the time the first rays of false dawn appeared in the sky, they were standing next to the secret entrance into the hold...


Hellocthul: We've gone over the plan every night since we left...Minsc, Nalia, fire arrows???


Minsc and Nalia nodded...Hellocthul pulled out a partly charged cloudkill wand, and gave it to nalia...


Hellocthul: Here, take this, Minsc, you are carrying the extra door blockers???


Minsc: Minsc has those wonderful gnomish inventions...Minsc is looking foward to kicking evil snake butts...urm...do snakes have butts??? Once again Minsc is astonished at how evil is so, so, so, evil!!! once again evil creatures have hidden their butts so Minsc cannot apply the boot of goodness!!!


Nalia: Urm...Hellocthul, is he always like this???


Hellocthul: Oh yes, Minsc is completely dependable, and totally reliable in a bad situation, I want you to stay close to him...here, let me adjust them for you...


Hellocthul had already adjusted her mage robes for battle... as with all mage robes, Nalia's robes of fire resistance, Salamander Robes, had ties and drawstrings built in to allow the fighter mage to tighten the loose sleeves and collar for hand to hand combat...


Hellocthul: Ok, people, warpaint!!!


Hellocthul, Nalia and Jaheira cast ironskin and stoneskin spells, Minsc adjusted his warbow, and closed his visor...Yoshimo adjusted his leather jerkin and adjusted the straps on his copper and leather bracer...


Hellocthul drew her long swords...


Hellocthul: Lets move in!!!


In the first room, the party encountered a troll attacking a castle servant, Jaheira and Hellocthul engaged the troll with twin swords each...Nalia watched in awe as Jaheira and Hellocthul whirled the intricate steps of "The Two Heavens" sword school, each gliding step whirling the swordswomen in spins, the swords effortlessly controlled in their hands, slicing thru the repulsive green slimed flesh of the troll in a spray of greenish blood...she finally shook her daze off, and assisted Minsc in putting fire arrows into each wound the swords inflicted, cauterizing the troll's injuries...


Until the beast went down, with a honk of dumb, beast pain...the servant was sent out the secret passage, to find captain Arat...who they had already ran into while moving into the keep....


Hellocthul: Ok, farsight....Jaheira?


Using her druid powers, Jaheira carefully built up a tactical map of the situation...each of them had studied the maps Nalia drew up during the trip, and they all knew that in a close quarters combat situation, identifying enemy location and numbers will give them a decisive advantage, allowing the party to hit fast and hard, hopefully defeating the enemy in small groups, before organized counterattacks could happen....


Jaheira: Large group in the main dining area, umber hulks and 8 trolls...doors look intact, so let's get one ready...


Hellocthul motioned Nalia to the door, and opened the door to the dining area, and Nalia cast a cloudkill inside the dining room, Hellocthul shut the door, and said to Minsc "in!"


Minsc, being told that the door opened in, had already readied a door blocker, a tube of steel 4 feet long, with many hooks and shackles to allow a adventurer to block just about any type of door, with a powerful "unbreakable" charm built into the tube, had blocked the door...just in time, as the powerful fists of the trolls and umber hulks started pounding on the heavy oaken frame...Minsc readied another door blocker, when the pounding stopped...


Jaheira could detect no sign of life inside the dining room...."clear!"


The party moved in to the rest of the rooms in the first floor,looking for survivors, sweeping with Jaheira or Hellocthul opening the door, the other would rush in, and Minsc with a door blocker ready in case they need to trap the occupant inside...Nalia and Yoshimo with fire arrows ready at all times...


They talked to Daleson, who gave them a better estimate of the troll numbers, and after they found the first piece of the flail of the ages, which Nalia knew her father had hoped to use in the keep defences...


The party moved to the main entrance, and Hellocthul casted a farsight spell this time, and noted about 4 trolls in the central courtyard, and a few yuan ti...


As they moved out into the courtyard, the sluggish trolls quickened themselves, casting haste on themselves, moving with extreme rapidity...matching the speed of the two fighters as they whirled and danced to improved haste, their swords blurring like the wings of a maple seed....the two cut down all the trolls and the oyutga in the courtyard, in a matter of moments...acid despatched the trolls...


The party moved to the battlements, and Minsc released the capstan to let the drawbridge drop...while the party was at the windlass, a small force of trolls had cut the party off from the staircase...Hellocthul gestured, and a incredibly bright spark of red fire flared at her fingertips...the tiny but highly effective minute meteors that rained from her fingers cut down the trolls blocking their exit in a matter of moments...


They ran downstairs to confer with Captain Arat...

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The party quickly talked with Captain Arat, and he agreed that the wave of D'Arnise troops should secure the main floor of the keep...with the keep divided in two, and the soldiers holding the main stair wells, this would allow the party to clear the second floor quickly, and use the secret stairs in the chapel to sneak to the bottom floor, and hopefully take the lagest force of trolls by surprise...


Hellocthul led the party up to the second floor...they met Glacius, and using the ring of human influence, they managed to uncharm him...


Glacius didn't have much information, just that the trolls answered to a "stronger"...who this stronger could be was the question...they secured the second part of the flail of the ages from Glacius and moved out...


As they neared the chapel, they ran into smaller bands of roving trolls, easily dispatched by Hellocthul and Jaheira, and a few fire arrows...


Once they reached Lady Delcia's room, things got more interesting...


Lady Delcia: Oh it is like a nightmare...more smelly peasants trampling up my nice clean hallways...pfew...you lot seem smellier than the trolls and quite a bit dumber...obviously you are all creatures of the streets, the scum and refuse that float to the top of the cesspool that is the mass of commoners...


Minsc: Minsc sees evil! This evil creature will now feel the mighty Boot of Goodness on Tush of Evilness!!!


Nalia: No!!! Minsc, that is my Aunt Delcia....sorry aunty!!!


Lady Delcia: Nalia??? NALIA SAMANTHA LAUREN DE'ARNISE!!! What are you doing with these walking piles of Garbage! We are going to need to have you de-loused right away!!!


Nalia looked at her aunt spouting vile torrents of abuse at her friends, and she thought of waking up this morning in Hellocthul's arms, sleeping without nightmares for the first time in weeks, and how Hellocthul and Jaheira always made sure Minsc was guarding her...and she made a decision, she grabbed Hellocthul's hand, and said brightly...


Nalia: Hello aunty, this is my lover, Hellocthul!!!


Lady Delcia turned pale, stood up, tottered over to the bed, and flamboyantly passed out, her arms dramatically thrown foward, and with a small (yet highly cultured) scream...


Nalia quickly checked her pulse, and grinned, and said "let's go"


Hellocthul: Immy? Do you have a lemon we can stuff in her mouth, so she will wake up sour? Immy....oh damn....


The party moved into the chapel, and Hellocthul recognized that the master of the golems had set all the golems to activate if the magic treasure in the statue's alcoves were touched, but the idiot had forgotten to set the golems to defend each other!!!


Nalia and Hellocthul had a good giggle about that, and Hellocthul cast the strength spell on Jaheira, and she using her magical quarterstaff bashed them into broken ceramic and one giant piece of iron...


The party moved to the bottom level of the keep, and Hellocthul cast farsight...they lured the umber hulks into the next room, and Nalia used her wand of cloudkill, and Minsc barred the door with a door blocker...


Nalia: Amazing tool, daddy never mentioned this tool in his adventuring stories...


Jaheira: They were invented only a few years ago...makes adventuring much less dangerous...Hellocthul and I always made sure we had about a dozen of them in the sword coast...much, much more useful than the Janssen Turnip Bomb...


Nalia: The Janssen Turnip Bomb? What did that do?


Jaheira: Oh, it was suppose to allow a non mage adventurer to toss in a bomb filled with a choking, coughing and tearing agent into a room full of monsters, unfortunately it had a disadvantage. You see, the gas was extracted from turnips, and an adventurer had to make herself immune to the turnip gas by eating turnips...lots of turnips. So after Hellocthul got her stinky cloud spell, we threw them away. If I ever see another turnip in my plate...


Hellocthul: But the next day, as we were leaving Baldur's Gate, we found out Imoen picked them off the trash, and she went up to the highest tower in the city, and lobbed them at the passing ships...We left in a much bigger hurry after she rejoined us...But ladies, and gentlemen, of course (Yoshimo smirked,) let's move on.


Hellocthul cast another farsight, and saw inside the room...


Hellocthul: Ok, Jaheira, Nalia, cast sanctuary and invisibility, while I cast mislead, you two grab your father, and I will hold off the spirit trolls, who can see invisible...


Hellocthul led the way, and the three of them were attacked by a large force of invisible spirit trolls...


Hellocthul: Grab him and take off!


Jaheira and Nalia grabbed the groaning body of Lord De'Arnise, and ran out the room...


Hellocthul: Chhuuuuuu!


Hello Cthulhu waved her hands, and said "tax time!!!"


A giant disembodied spectral voice intoned these awful words.


Giant disembodied spectral voice: Torgal, you have failed to file your 1040 Easy form in triplicate, with all W-2 forms and all itemized sales receipts. Failure to file on time constitutes breach in civic responsibilities and is punishable by forfeiture of your Head. Here are the forms to aid in your filing. Have a nice day.


A blizzard of paper began to drop from the ceiling, and all the trolls were sliced to death by thousands on thousands of tiny but very annoying and painful paper cuts...


Hello Cthulhu danced on the huge mound of paper that covered the Family Crypt...and the trolls...


Nalia walked to the dancing Hello Cthulhu on shaky steps...


Nalia: Hellocthul??? Is that really you???


Nalia got down on her knees, and carefully hugged Hello Cthulhu...her soft, green fur covered mouth tentacles tickled Nalia's ear, making her giggle. Nalia stroked Hello Cthulh's fur, and her shock melted away.


Jaheira: Nalia?


Nalia: How is my father??? Is he ok???


Jaheira: He is fine, and he will be well in a very short time...he is asleep now...


Nalia rushed over to her father's side...


Jaheira: Hmmm...paper cut to death...very painful way to go, I would think...(she picks up one of the sheets) Oh my, form 1047 Easy, form 1096 Easy, and form 10-Googol Easy...in Silvana's Name...they were shredded by tax forms...here, little one, have a cookie...


The next day, the crew were awakened by the smell of breakfast.




I've got over 25 episodes done, as well as a some stories I call "Naughty Bits" cause they're, well, naughty...but I plan to post only five or so at a time, to give people a chance to read them without feeling bloated...hope you like them!!!

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The next morning, the party were treated to breakfast in bed...


Nalia bounced in, smiling and happy and full of energy.


She first went up to Hellocthul, still groggy and lying in bed, and carefully kissed her on the cheek.


Nalia: Good morning!


She next went over to Jaheira, and kissed her on her brow.


Nalia: Good morning! My father is doing so great this morning, he started bellowing for a hearty breakfast instead of the gruel with honey that the Keep healer ordered! Thank you so much!


Jaheira: Well, I am very glad to hear that, child. I cast whatever healing spells I knew yesterday, all the healing that is left is the bones. And they will simply take their own time, I do not have the greater healings that will heal and knit bones quickly...


Nalia: What you did yesterday was more than enough...(Nalia bounces over to the next bed, where Hellocthul was eating her bacon and eggs) Say, that looks good!


Nalia sits by Hellocthul and the two of them shares breakfast. Jaheira smiles to herself. Both Jaheira and Hellocthul have been watching each other since Khalid's death and Imoen's kidnapping to make sure the other does not fall into a depression spiral, and Jaheira was pleased that Nalia or Nalian, as they first knew her, seemed to have a genuine interest in Hellocthul...And Nalia knew about Hello Cthulhu, and still liked her. Jaheira hoped this was something that would last.


Nalia still thought about the conversation she had with her father and aunt this morning, and hugged her father's love to herself.


Lord De'Arnise: Nalia, kitten? Your aunty tells me you found someone, during your mission...I am so proud of you, my daughter!!! You found a good group of very skilled adventurers, and Captain Arat was most impressed with their organization and tactics, and he was astonished at their skills...He tells me also that he saw you in action, and you did not completely disgrace him as your armsmaster, and that is high praise indeed!


Delcia De'Arnise: HERBERT IRVING DE'ARNISE!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THIS LYING DOWN!! Your daughter is consorting with the lowest of the low, filthy flea ridden scum of the very dregs off the streets, filthy whores and trollops and knuckledragging thugs from who knows....


Lord De'Arnise: SHUT UP!!! MY daughter will consort with anyone who she pleases, and I am lying down because my legs are broken, in defense of this keep and your worthless life. And it turns out that those "filthy whores and thugs" are the heros of Baldur's Gate AND Amn, and the Grand Duke of Baldur's Gate offered Hellocthul a fiefdom, bigger than the De'Arnise holdings, by the way, and the title of Baroness, and the rank of Protector of Baldur's Gate...which she turned down! And those "lowest of the low" saved your niece, your brother in law, and your own miserable worthless life at the risk of their own! So shut up Delcia!!! You have been a shrew since Alison introduced you to me, and your sharp edged venom dripping tongue has been a constant scourge to my ears for the longest 5 years of my life, since Alison died!


Lady Delcia gave a (cultured and refined) gasp, and tottered over to a chair in the room.


Nalia(with a small grin): And any way, Hellocthul and I are engaged. So there!!!


Lady Delcia turned pale, stood up, tottered over (with small mincing graceful steps) over to the bed, gasped (in a lady like fashion) and fainted on the couch, this time with her arms artfully held wide apart.(she was trying to imitate the Five Fagons Inn Production of "A Lady of Tethyr", where the Heroine had just received news her brother, father, mother and her pet poodle, "Noodle" had all died in a landslide)


Nalia grinned at her father, after reflexively checking her pulse: Father, urm...urm....


Lord Fe'Arnise: I hope you really are not engaged to that beautiful young lady, you really should tell me about those things first. And kitten, remember I always told you, and your mother told you that we will always love you no matter what. If you have "feelings" for that brave young lady, its ok, and I trust you.


Nalia: Daddy!!! I do have feelings for her, and its scary and wonderful, but we are not engaged. Sorry about that, but aunty is so incredibly annoying...


Lord De'Arnise: She is your aunt, and she still cares for you, even though she does hurt your ears...how that much sound can come out of a mouth that is perpetually pinched and looks like she is sucking on a sour lemon is a mystery...kitten, after breakfast, (hopefully lunch will be better than this gruel...yech) we are going to have to talk with your friends...


After breakfast and a quick wash, the party met in the bedroom of Lord De'Arnise...


Lord De'Arnise explained about the long standing feud with the Roenalls, and the much reduced defenses of the keep made the situation dangerously vulnerable...He offered them the full 10000 gold pieces, but Hellocthul turned down half the money, and they agreed on a payment plan, 200 gold a month. Nalia beamed at Hellocthul, she knew that 10000 would have almost paupered the holding, and there were many expenses and expensive repairs left behind.


Then Lord De'Arnise moved to the important stuff...Nalia and her father believed this attack was sponsored by the Roenalls, but this wasn't their style...they usually went for subtle, probing attacks, undermining the people in the keep, and using dirty tricks. This overt attack was unlike them, and Nalia's father wanted Nalia away from the hold, which was still dangerously vulnerable. Nalia would be safer on the road, protected by a party of skilled and seasoned adventurers, especially after Captain Arat assured Lord De'Arnise that the party, after seeing Hellocthul's sorcery in action, was stronger and more dangerous than the remaining De'Arnise Guards combined...and he wanted Nalia away from the hold, a moving target.


What Lord De'Arnise did not tell Nalia and the party is that he had already heard reports and accounts of Hellocthul, Jaheira, Minsc, Dynahir and Imoen from his adventuring friends, and it was their reports and glowing praise that made him decide on his course of action...


The party stayed for a week, helping out and getting some rest, and they headed off for Athlanka.


About a mile away from the city, they were met by a large and well armed force of the Anmish Guard.


Isea Roenall: Nalia De'Arnise, I arrest you in the name of the Council of Six....


Hellocthul: On what charge!!!


Isea: On refusing to honor her obligations and her sworn word, to marry me, her fiancee! And she has been consorting with dangerous ruffians and hooligans. I urge caution, my "friends" from touching your weapons. As you can see, you are seriously outnumbered.


Hellocthul carefully guided her horse in front of Nalia's mount, held her arm out, pointed at Isea, and snapped her fingers...a small, incandescent ball of red fire flickered between her fingertips...


Hellocthul: Well, if your thugs even think about attacking us, YOU GET IT FIRST!!! Ever felt the bite of a melf minute meteor, boy??? The fire inside each meteor is so hot it cannot be put out with water, only smothered in sand, and the fire will eat its way inside your flesh until it starts burning the bone. Turn around boy, and ride away...


Nalia: Isea, I hereby call off the engagement, I never want to see you again, you loathsome corpulent garbage eating vole!!!


Isea, his face dripping sweat, carefully rode his horse to the rear of his men.


As the force slowly backed away, Hellocthul got off her horse, and said




Hello Cthulhu gestured, and said "Fwuppy Pink Snugglyly Bunnies!!!"


And suddenly thousands of cotton candy pink bunnies appeared around the party...


They all opened their mouths, filled with cute bunny buckteeth, and started singing in a high pitched, squeeky (yet adorable) voice...


"Here comes peter cotton tail,

Hopping down the bunny trail,

Hipping and hopping with glee!"


And as they finished their cute and adorable song, they became not so adorable...


They each opened their mouths wide, and their cute bunny buckteeth started to grow...until each bunny had 2 feet long sharp and jagged and serrated fangs, dripping fresh blood, their eyes started to glow a deep, ominous red...


Now they started chanting...


"Elmer fudd must die, elmer fudd must die! And you are elmer fudd!!! KILL!!! EAT!!! MAIM!!!"


The force of Amnish Guards, not being terminally stupid, started riding away at this point, as fast as they could...


The bunnies started to chase them, hopping and giggling insanely...an evil, and adorable pink flood...


Nalia slid off her horse, hugged Hello Cthulhu, and asked for a cookie...


Nalia held Hello Cthulhu in her arms, then slowly gently kissed her in the mouth...Nalia was surprised at how nice Hello Cthulhu tasted of warm milk and she smelled like fresh baked cookies...and her mouth tentacles felt like little kitten paws, as they stroked her cheek, the soft tentacle fur feeling incredibly soft....Nalia fed Hello Cthulhu the cookie, and Nalia was holding Hellocthul in her arms, and this time, Nalia was much more enthusiastic about her kisses...


Jaheira: Urm, children, the sun is almost setting, lets move into the city and find an inn...


Nalia and Hellocthul stuck their tongues out at Jaheira, and the party moved out...


When they reached the city gates, a shifty eyed soldier in guard uniform accosted them...


Soldier: Ye be having problems with Arse-bugger, I means, Isea Roenall, right miss??? I gots something to tell ye....

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Listening to the Guard with the shifty eyes, and a lean and furtive look, they found out that "arse bugger" Roenall dealt in pirate merchandise, and smuggled gemstones out of Amnish mines. Nalia giggled with a red face at finding out Isea's very vulgar nickname in the Amnish Guards.


They then quickly ran over to the docks.


Nalia: Puffff, puff...wow, we sure run everywhere.


Jaheira: Wouldn't it be nice if no matter how long it takes, once we find out about a situation or lead on a quest we are on, we could take our time getting there, no matter how long we took, we are always on time?


Yoshimo: Not likely in our life time, I fear, my friends.


They spotted the pirate Barg who was tipping and swaying as he was drinking up his pay from his last voyage. Hellocthul saw a table filled with merchandise nearby, including a scroll case that they needed badly. She walked over, and bought the scroll case from the friendly halfling street merchant, and in an evil impulse, a stuffed parrot and a eyepatch.


Hellocthul: Nalia, here, tie this parrot on my shoulder...and here we go!!! (Nalia began to giggle, and when she desperately tried to stop giggling, she got the hiccups. This earned her a dirty look from Jaheira)


Wearing the eye patch, Hellocthul walked over to Barg the pirate...


Hellocthul: Avast, ye scurvy mate, hows be ye berth be, in these here landlubber town???


Barg: Ahoy and greetings, pretty lassie! I detects a hinz of the sea with ye, and from yer bird, I thinks I can guess yer profeshon, ye be a pirate likes me!


Hellocthul: Aye, me laddie. Now I been mighty dry workwise these many months, I be lookings fer a spot on a ship, ye knows anyone who is hiring a scurvy knave likes me? Good with a blade?


Barg: Why, me lass, my employer be "arse bugger" or Isea Roenall...He be having berths right now, and if ye comes with me, ye can be on board by third bell.


Hellocthul: Well, there is one thing, my last captain got hisself thrown into the brig for 20 years because, Tymora strike me blind, he left the ships books with his doxy...your employer is smarter than that, I asks ye?


Nalia: Psssst...Jaheira, he isn't really going to fall for that, is he???


Jaheira: Child, can you smell that? That thick and sweet odor? This Barg has been drinking Turnip Grog, and just one of those things is enough to impair you mentally.


Barg: Why, my employer keeps all his books with a guard, Earl, who is drinking up a tot before he hits the road at the Sea's Bounty. Ye know, lassie, yer parrot looks mighty slooooshed, likes me, he hardlish moves at all...I thinksh yer parrot croaked, lasshie. (Barg suddenly sounds sober) Yer Parrot be dead, my fine lass...say, what kinds of a pirate has a dead parrot on their shoulder anyway?


Hellocthul: No its not, its just, erm, resting, yeah, that's right, its resting...


Hellocthul mutters "Thanks" and whacks him with the hilt of her sword, and yanking the parrot and eyepatch off, they rush over to the sea's bounty and locate Earl. (Nalia still giggling and hiccuping uncontrollably) He resists, until Jaheira kicks him in a sensative area, and grab the books. Following the lead of the Guard who met them at the city gates, they then break into the estate of Isea Roenall, and get his gem smuggling books. His superior, Cor Axehand, asked them to come back tomorrow to see the judgement of the Guard Tribuneral.


Nalia: How on Toril did you pull that off? Have you done some sailing? Did you ever, urm....do some pirating? (Nalia's eyes are shining with mirth, and wonder)


Hellocthul: Actually I got the way of speaking from an amateur theatrical we did in Candlekeep one winter, Pirates of Illmather...I got to play the swashbuckling pirate, and Immy got the part of Mabel.


As the party relaxes in a comfortable sitting room at the Mithrest Inn, Hellocthul tells Nalia and Yoshimo about Hello Cthulhu. They both have been curious, and now it was time to scratch that itch...


Hellocthul: This all happened about 5 years ago...(the scene fades, a pleasant tune starts to play, and the perspective changes over to candlekeep, 5 years ago)


Nalia: oooooo....nice fade into memories! Pretty colors, too...


Hellocthul: Glad you like it, hon.


Count Turnipsome: So, my fine young magey friends, as you can see, the Nether Scroll is almost the perfect joke scroll. It looks like a scroll of Identify, however when used by a mage, the Nether Scroll will fire off a joke, at random, always funny and embarressing, and will dispell itself after 10 days. So no harm done...now, young Hellocthul and Imoen, are you sure I can't interest you in some fine Janssen Turnip Bombs? Wonderful things, turnip bombs. Useful for almost anything. That reminds me of my aunt Gladys Janssen, she lived in the Haven Valley in Tethyr, and she used to call her husband and sons home to dinner using a Turnip Bomb...You see, her turnip fields were in the next valley over, so she would set off a turnip bomb when the winds were right, and her boys would smell the turnip gas, and run home to supper. Unfortunately there was that one time she accidentally set off her turnip bomb when the tax man came around, and her family got slapped with a "improper use of hazardous munitions" fine. Luckily a handy griffin was around when the tax man left, and like all griffons, they love the taste of turnips, and poor mr. tax man smelled so appetizing...sadly, my dears, the story has a sad ending, despite the demise of the tax man...you see, the tax man for Haven valley at the time was the famous dwarven berserker, "Gums McGonagall" who had a love of bar fights, so before the age of 20 he had lost all his teeth, so when he got into a battle rage, he would gum his enemies...so the poor griffon that ate the tax man, he ended up with gum marks all over its poor body, and in the end he ended up choking to death on "Gums" beard...He died of the hair of the dwarf that gummed him...


Hellocthul and Imoen had an expression on their faces that you would normally only see in someone who had been run over with a cart...


Imoen: So, urm, Count, what kind of jokes will the nether scroll play on someone?


Count Turnipsome: Well, it might change the hair color, cause pimples, or body odor, or they could grow rabbit ears, rutabagas might sprout from their forehead...just about anything, lassie, but it all wears away in 10 days.


Hellocthul: Great! Give me one, please.


Imoen: Me too!


The two giggling kids spent their allowance on the scrolls, and the young travelling gnome salesman, Count Turnipsome, left Candlekeep.


Hellocthul: I dare you!


Immy: I double dare you with cherry on top!


Hellocthul: I double dare you infinity!


So the two kids managed to convince themselves into casting the scrolls they had bought together on each other at the same time. The kids had been all excited about the Nether Scrolls, the hottest new product of the Janssen line, since they had heard their school mates recount some truely funny and interesting stories about playing with those wonderful gag inventions.




Hello Cthulhu: Chuuuuu...


Imoen: OH MY GODS!!!


Poor Gorion was not amused at all when Hello Cthulhu and a pink haired imoen showed up at his bedroom door at midnite. They soon figured out if Hello Cthulhu ate a cookie, she would return to normal. Imoen was actually pleased at her hair, since pink was her favorite color. After ten days, however, immy's hair was still pink...


Immy: Oh my gosh, my hair is still pink!!! Its suppose to wear off in 10 days!!!


Gorion: I wish you children had at least talked to me before getting yourself into trouble. Both of you are mages, Hellocthul trained as a Kensai before she found out she was a sorceror, and imoen is a wildmage. In another words, your magical abilities are "different" from everyone else, so a joke spell like the Nether Scroll could have a very unusual effect when cast on yourselves. I am sorry children. Hehehehheheh....


Hellocthul and Imoen: DADDY!!!


They got used to it over time, and a few days later they found out some more things about Hellocthul's powers, when Immy and Hellocthul accompanied Gorion to the town 10 miles away, to help him shop for some spices the kitchen needed.


They were confronted by a band of ruffians when they got lost looking for some saffron.


Bandit: Gives us all yer gold and valuables, and we will let you leave...after I kiss this little girlie...(the bandit paws imoen)


Hellocthul: YOU FILTHY BASTARD!!! You leave her alone....Chuuuuu!!!!


Hello Cthulhu: Nyarlethotep-tep-tappy-tap-tep-tap-tappy-tap!


Nyarlethotep, the Tapdancer in the Dark appeared...wearing a spiffy tailcoat number with a shiny top hat and cane...


Nyarlethotep: Now comes the reasoning,

Why I am heeerrreee!!!

To make sure you see the seasoning,

In the hands of these kids who know no fear!!!


You try to get a little shopping done,

But you ugly bandits just wanna ruin their day,

So I am just going to have a little ffuuuuunnnnnn!!!

And make sure you all paaaayyy!!


And the Tapdancer in the Dark starts tap dancing, and the bandits, under some awful compulsion, are forced to tapdance to the demon's beat...soon, their legs are bleeding, and they are screaming to STOP!!!!


Then, after one final dizzying number, Nyarlethotep trips and falls over a barrel, swearing...the bandits take the opportunity to run away.


Imoen: Well, the demon has only one single, three lobed burning eye...no depth perception.


Fade back to Athlanka.


The party meeting breaks up, and the girls go back to the room they share.


Nalia: Sweetie, there is a funny story about the Nether Scrolls that I heard from my father.


Hellocthul stops massaging her back..."A funny story? Hon, the whole history of the Nether Scrolls are one big joke."


Nalia: Hey, no rub-bee, no story...(Hellocthul continues rubbing Nalia's back) well, the story goes that a really devious person in the council of 6 started a sting operation...this person knew that Thayan spies are in Amn looking for powerful magical items, so this person planted the story that the Nether Scrolls are actually artifact level magic scrolls, and he even convinced the shadow thieves to switch a powerful magical artifact belonging to a local lich in the graveyards with a nether scroll...can't you just imagine it??? A thayan mage will do anything for powerful magic items...and just imagine what happens to this poor spy if he decides to use the nether scroll for himself, thinking it will make him more powerful...POOF!!! he gets rabbit ears, or zuccini will grow from his nose, or funniest of all, he gets sex changed...and my father knows all this because when he was an adventurer, he travelled with Markham BlackBeard, who now runs the intelligence section of the Amnish Guard...


Jaheira: I know of at least one Thayan mage, to whom this will be poetic justice...too bad it wears off in 10 days...but child, won't the Thayan mages hear about the true nature of the nether scrolls just by talking to people? It is pretty common knowledge after all...


Nalia: OOOOO...right there, sweetie, oh my...oh my...that feels so good!!! You have such talented fingers...oh...urm...ah...Jaheira, thats the beauty of the whole scheme...Thayan mages are so stuck up, they don't ever talk to commoners, and even if they heard about it, they are so absorbed in the search for magic items they will dismiss it as lies...


Hellocthul: My turn for a backrub...ummmm....


jaheira: AAArrggg....(children...sigh...)


Hellocthul and Nalia giggle....


The next day, they go back to the government district to hear the verdict of the tribunal against Isea Roenall...

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The next day, the party woke up, ate a sketchy breakfast, and took off for the civic court. Isea Roenall was sentenced to 20 years. As he was escorted out, he shouted obscene and threatening words at Hellocthul, and Nalia. Nalia pressed closer to Hellocthul, sorta like a little girl hiding behind her mommy. Nalia stiffened as she realized what she was doing. Nalia then stood up straight, and walked to the front of the group, and watched unflinchingly as Isea Roenall was taken away.


Hellocthul: How long will he actually get?


Nalia: 20 years, that's the one thing the council of six has going for it. They dare not interfere with the judiciary.


Hellocthul: Hon, can we at least avoid talking sedition until we are out of the premises? (in a low whisper)


Nalia blushed, and grabbed her girlfriend's hand..."Girlfriend", Nalia thought, "I finally have a girlfriend. I wonder what aunty will say...oooppssee...I already claimed she was my lover. But I wonder what she and daddy are talking about now."


The party picks up a license to practice magic on the streets, and a little muscle flexing by Minsc gave the party 6 small amulets, instead of the usual 3. The amulets identified the wearer as being licensed to practice magic on the streets. Everyone felt safer knowing their most powerful magic user, Hellocthul could use magic against the dangers on the streets.


As they stepped outside, they were met by three men dressed up in the puffy pants and half cloaks of the fashionable amnish nobility.


Farad Roenall: You cost me a son, you whore! I'll see you hung for this, and the De Arnise bitch too!


Hellocthul: You will do nothing. (She snaps her fingers, and mutters a low spell. A blade of the purest black, actually soaking up the light around it, appears in her right hand.) Do you know what this is, Roenall swine? This is the black blade of disaster, Roenall, and if it merely touches you, your very own soul will be sucked into the Negative Energy Plane, and be consumed there by demons and devils. Now I want you to think very clearly and very carefully about the advisability of pissing off someone who can cast Adept class spells like this one, and who wears the two swords of a master swordswoman. (The blade gave a low keening, as if it was aware that today, it will not be fed. The edge of the blade rippled like a heat mirage, as if in some way, it was actually made of fire, black fire.)


The 2 sons and the father backed away, a dark stain on their trousers.


Nalia: OH MY GOSH!!! I am going to have to write to father and aunty to tell them what just happened!!! I feel like this is the Solstice Fair and I have just been crowned Queen of the Fair!!! Mmmmmm----rrmmmmmmmmm-------mmmmm


Jaheira: Breath, children.


Jan: Excuse me there, my fine young adventuring friends! May I interest you in some fine Adventuring Gear?


After helping out the little gnome in his dealings with the local police, she looked around, and officially gave Jan the welcome speech. (and gave him the 401k application, some health insurance stuff and an amulet for spellcasting)


Jan: So we are off to raise some cash to save the lassie, eh? What a fine company to do it in, too. Well, except for the stakes being your sister, I remember the last time we raced the clock to raise a tidy sum to be sent to hopefully bail out my uncle's buisness. You see, my uncle Buford Janssen ran the family's most lucrative buisness. The Swallow Express!!! You see, there is this special rare breed of turnip that resides over the sea in Kuran-Tur. The Trufflenip!!! This rare type of turnip is so rare and so highly prized by the gnomish palate, thousands of gnomes every year make the long trip overseas to eat it the short time it grows, and the rest is pickled and sold at fabulous price here in Amn. Or anywhere gnomes are found. Now uncle Buford had a good friend, named Dr. Donothing, a human, who claimed he could talk to the animals! As mad as a hatter, but he could control swallows. A most unusual power for a human. Well, uncle Buford knew that the Athlankian Swallow heads to Kuran-Tur for the winter, and once they arrive they become the Kuran-Turian swallows until summer comes around again. Then, they get back to Athlanka, aided by the seasonal winds. So he got the bright idea of having the swallows carry Trufflenips on small packs tied to their back, and thus sell fresh trufflenips in Amn, and the sword coast. We all knew this would be a winner, so the entire family invested. I naturally joined an adventuring band to do some quick gold. Unfortunately the buisness fell through after a while....You see, it all had to do with airspeed velocity. What is the airspeed Velocity of a Trufflenip laden swallow?


Nalia: Athlankian, or Kuran-Turian?


Jan: Oh, I don't know, but it didn't matter, you see the poor dears with the extra weight couldn't outrun the seasonal typhoons...drowned, every one.


The party decided to go to the Copper Coronet to drink many many drinks.


Along the way, Nalia becomes Minsc's witch.


Jan: Oh my, Nalia, you are now officially a witch!


Nalia: I am not exactly sure what it does mean, Jan. Do you know?


Jan: Well, I am not sure, but my little niece, Betty Janssen became a witch at the age of nine. You see, their family lives in Rashomon, and if you are a female with magical talent, you become a witch after a while. It was a title of honor, you see. But normally you don't become one until fairly late in life. However, in the valley little Betty lived in was rather isolated and hard to reach for most of the year. Now their resident witch died, so until a new witch got sent to the valley by the Society of Wicca, that all witches belonged to, they had to climb 2 mountains and ford a lake to get to the witch of the next valley. Being hearty mountain folks the physical excersize was no strain. But it did take time, and being Rashmoni, these folks dont like to waste time. So, since little Betty had the most magical talent in the valley, she became a witch until the following year, when a new one was sent by the society. They got tired of wasting all that time climbing and fording a cold lake in order to get a simple curse done. So a witch at nine saves time.


Hellocthul: JAN!!! Only one Janssen story per episode!!! We got more trolls to kill!!!

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Help me, I've punned, and I can't get up!!!


As the party was headed off for the Copper Coronet to get many many drinks, and of course to do some shopping and to look for another quest or job, they encountered a couple of inept muggers.


Minsc and Jaheira took care of them.


Jan: You know, dear sweet lassie, those idiots remind me of my nephew Dufus Janssen. He was poor laddie, the most backward gnome you would ever meet. He would try to drink beer with his ear, because he kinda had problems when he was a child with his Mr. Turnip Head. Poor laddie always got the mouth and ears confused. Anyway, he and his Brother Bart Janssen, poor laddie was about as backward as Dufus...got into their noggins the notion of being bandits! So they got some dwarven platemail, and started robbing people on the Trademeet road. Now you understand that to a fighting gnome, the best target against the taller races is the knees and feet and toes, right lassie? This is why the traditional gnomish warcry is "Your knees are mine!!!" Poor Dufus and Bart never did have a way with words, so they would shorten the war cry when they robbed people. So they became "The Gnomes who say Knee!"


Nalia: Urm, so what did they steal? I mean I don't remember any reports of bandits along the Trademeet road recently...


Jan: Well, Dufus, I told you he was backwards, didn't I, lassie? Well, he somehow developed a taste for ornamental flora. He used to resemble a goat when he started to chew on evergreen trees and small bushes. So he and his brother demanded shrubbery from their victims. Poor laddie, it finally did him in. He died happier than a dung beetle in a dragon lair when he hijacked a huge shipment of shrubbery imported from tethry for the Jesslev estate. Sad story...


Hellocthul and Jaheira: MANY MANY DRINKS!!! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!

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After that story by Jan, the party staggered over into the Copper Coronet.


Nalia: OOO...I feel like I've been hit on the head. Several times.


Hellocthul: OOO...me too, sweetheart. Here, lean on me.


Anomen: Hello there, fair lady,...Nalia? Nalia De'Arnise? Lady Nalia, what are you doing in this den of filth and inequity?


Yoshimo, in a low whisper: I did not think people used the word "inequity" in an actual sentence.


Jaheira: Only if they get brainwashed by Helm's Witnesses. Sad, sad state of affairs.


Nalia: Little Ano! Little Ano Delryn! What are you doing here? What, weekly meeting of the Drizzt-teers cancelled? (giggle)


Anomen: I no longer belong to that infantile organization. I have burned my little Drizzt ears and no longer watch the insipid weekly episode of Drizzt Do'Urden Club on the crystal ball. I no longer sing that atrocious song wherever I go.


Who's the coolest drow that ranges far, just for you and me?

D-R-I-Z-Z-T-D-O-Apostrophy-U-R-D-E-N ('cause only cool heros have apostrophys!)

Drizzt Do'Urden, Drizzt Do'Urden,

(In a falsetto, Anomen sings the Cattie Brie counterpoint.) Cattie Brie, Cattie Brie!

We can throw Wulfgar's Hammer High, High, High, High, High!!

So Come along and join the fun, Drow Ears for you and me,


Drizzt Do'Urden, Drizzt Do'Urden,(Cattie Brie, Cattie Brie!)

Yay Drizzt! Yay Drizzt!



Nalia: Urm, Ano, you just sang the song.


Anomen: I most certainly did not. Anyway, what are you doing here? I have no doubt that your aunt and father would not approve. And who is this vision of beauty you are with? Surely such an enchanting creature must have some good and worthy quest appropriate for a novitiate knight of Helm! Surely she needs the strong arm and...


Jaheira: Weak brain. (Jan giggles at Anomen's expression)


Anomen: And the valor of a Man such as myself to shield her from the dangers of a world that desperately needs the strong firm hand of the Order. (he glares at Jaheira)


Jan: Isn't it amazing that he was able to get all that out in one lungful of air? What is hidden inside that platemail armor, anyway? A strap on lung? (Jaheira coughs, hiding a giggle)


Nalia: HEY! Who do you think you are, you male egotist, stuck up poopie-head! (Blush) This is my girlfriend, and she doesn't need a man, she has me! And she certainly doesn't need a "shield", she can whip your tush (blush again) with both hands tied behind her back and blindfolded!


Anomen: Miss Nalia, I am certainly aware she is your girlfriend, but what I was saying is that it is the natural order of things that Heros such as myself should become the defenders of such beautiful women as your friend, and that often times such situations lead to love and the sanctity of marriage.


Hellocthul: He just doesn't get it, does he?


Hellocthul holds Nalia in her arms, and gives her a deep and passionate kiss. Nalia's knees are visibly trembling when they come up for air.


Jaheira holds up a cardboard sign with 8 written on it: Good form, good control, and even some tongue. You get an eight from the Tethyr judge.


Jan holds up a 7: Well, you could have worked up a turnip theme somehow, otherwise a good one!


Yoshimo holds up a 6: Needs more work. The Kuran-Tur judge votes a 6.


Minsc holds up a 9: Boo says you are both excellent kissers! From Roshamon a nine!


Anomen looks like someone just hit him on the back of the head with a wooden board. (Only Jaheira notices Jan tucking a wooden 4 by 4 into his tunic.)


Anomen: BUT, BUT, YOU ARE BOTH WOMEN!!! Oh crap, just when I thought I was finally going to get some nookie!!! Its just not fairgibberlings3.net33;!! Waaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!


Jaheira quickly lifts Jan up in her arms as he pulls a paper packet out of his robes. He carefully tears open the packet, and drops the powder down the back of Anomen's Platemail Chest plate as Jaheira holds Jan up high enough to reach it.


Anomen stops blubbering, and suddenly gets a surprised look on his face.


Jan: Now lassie, is a Knight of Helm smart enough to remove his armor before trying to scratch an itch???


Nalia: Nope, I guess not. Opse, now he's taking off his armor. Now he is taking off his shirt, and now he is taking off...OH MY GOSH! (Nalia is giggling and blushing at the same time)


Jan: Amazing potency, I must remember to note this recipe down.


Jaheira: Just what is the recipe? I know I am going to regret this, but what is it?


Jan: Troll Lice Eggs. They instantly hatch when they contact moisture.


Nalia: JAN! Do you know how they de-louse people? Especially troll lice, which can regenerate!!! First they give him a bath in this lye based solution that will give him a rash all over his body, next they shave off every bit of his hair, and they make him live alone for a month. Hahahahahhahaha!!!


Hellocthul: Let me repeat again Jan, welcome aboard!


After Hellocthul orders up some lunch, and ale for herself, minsc, Jan and Yoshimo, and some nice elven wine for Jaheira and Nalia, they toasted the humiliation of the Roenalls.


Nalia: Isn't it so free and so open on the road? I can trust any of you with my life, in fact I do, and you trust me with yours. It was never this free back in my family keep.


Hellocthul and Jaheira looked at each other, and nodded. Time enough later to tell Nalia of their suspicions about Yoshimo, how "fortunate" he came by when he did. So far he has not done anything to prove their suspicions one way or another.


Lethanian: Well, it looks to me like a fine bunch of adventuring friends, I assume. It looks to me like you can use some, ahem...excitement.


After the party found out what Lethanian had in the back rooms, lunch was forgotten as they headed for the beast master's quarters.


As the fireball left Nalia's fingers, the beast master and all his animals fried in a surge of superheated air. Hellocthul used a low powered cone of cold to damp out the blaze.


Nalia: Look, an enchanted Tulgan Bow! Wow! I've never seen such craftmanship before!


Hellocthul: Its yours, and has anyone found the key yet? (The party was poking the charred embers of the beast master's quarters with their swords. One of the nastier effects of the fairly common fire based destruction spells was the charred state most of the loot ended up in. Fortunately magic gear usually survived a roasting. )


After Hendyk killed the slave master Lethanian, they set off to rescue the child slaves.


At the foot of the stairs, the party readies their weapons. Minsc is hefting Lilacor, trying to find the right balance for the large and heavy two handed sword.


Lilacor: Hey, that tickles! Not there, you idiot, up a little higher! You're choking me! Gasp, puff...puff!


Hellocthul: Nalia, meteors, and short sword. Minsc and I will hit the main body. Jaheira, take out any spell casters with insects. Jan, a mirror image to confuse our numbers. And Yoshimo, take Nalia's bow for a while, and you cover us. Game Faces, everyone!


Nalia felt the skin tightening effects of the stoneskin spell. Her skin felt like it was stretched and hard, like it was cracking under heat, but without pain. And whenever she moved, she felt like her joints were covered with tiny grit, which squeeked and cracked like tiny crystals of rock rubbing against each other whenever she made a gesture. She took her lightly enchanted short sword in her left hand, and tried to make her gestures as gracefully as Hellocthul as she cast Melf Minute Meteors with her right hand.


The party burst out of the long neglected sewer door in the slaver compound. Hellocthul and Minsc were whirling dervishes of destruction as their enchanted swords cut thru the leather armor of the slavers like cardboard. The slavers had a mage among them, who fell quickly to Nalia's meteors after he was hit by a swarm of biting, stinging insects, which prevented him from raising magical protections. After the last of them were down, they heard a childish scream of fear.


Hellocthul: Minsc, the door!!! Jae, find the key!


As Minsc and Hellocthul bashed the door with their boots trying to force it open(the knock spell Nalia cast failed), Jaheira found the key to the enchanted door, and Minsc and Hellocthul rushed in to see a scene of horror.


In a room filled with heartbreakingly small bones, two hungry trolls were advancing on a little 10 year old girl, dressed in dirty rags.


Hellocthul sprinted in front of the little girl, and involked the rune of Chain Contingency. She instantly selected Abi Dahzim spells, and chose the conditions for their invocation.


Instantly, the trolls were surrounded by the clouds of magical energy, manifesting itself as ochre clouds of dense smoke. The spell targetted any creatures or enemies with hostile intentions tword the caster, and the trolls stopped, as their bodies began to shrivel and shrink as all the water in their flesh was extracted by the deadly spell. They fell over, wrinked and shrunken like mummies, and Nalia placed two minute meteors in each skull.


The little girl instantly ran to Nalia, the only woman in the party who wasn't covered with blood, and began to cry.


Hellocthul cast multiple farsights, assessing the deployment of the remaining slavers. The group had a quick conference.


Hellocthul: We have two groups left, one in the main room up north, and a couple of snakes in the side room. We also have some more kids in the cells to the side.


Weeping Child: Those are my friends, Ari and Shauna. P..pppp...pplease save them, ma'am!


Nalia: Don't worry, Hellocthul is a very powerful warrior and sorceress. We are going to save your friends, and make all the bad ones go away. I promise.


Hellocthul shaped her fingers into the spell, and muttered the vocal component of the Evocation spell. The eye-hurting black lethal form of the black blade of disaster formed from her right hand.


Jaheira: That weapon will drain their souls into the Negative Energy Plane. A fate far worse than death. I approve, Hellocthul, those slaver scum will know the horrors of the Abyss first hand tonight!!!


Jan quickly disarmed the traps guarding the rest of the compound, and the slaver guard captain's key released Ari and Shauna, who like their friend Miki, ran over and clung to Nalia.


Hellocthul: Mislead time, Jae, the snakes. Everyone else, except Yoshimo, pull back a bit. I really want to introduce these slavers to Orcus personally.


Hellocthul cast improved haste, and mislead on herself. As the decoy containing the shadow and form of the caster appeared next to Hellocthul, Nalia reached out and grabbed it by the hand, preventing it from shadowing Hellocthul, giving her presense away to the slavers. As the invisible Hellocthul crouched and moved tword the remaining slavers, her decoy mimiced her every move, but was prevented from rejoining its source by Nalia. Hellocthul attacked the remaining slavers, while Jaheira killed the Yuan ti in the next room.


Hellocthul attacked the remaining slaver guards, who died with surprise on their faces. The mislead spell "blinked" the sorceress between true invisibility, and improved invisibility. True invisibility, despite the name, really had nothing to do with sight or appearance. The invisible spellcaster was simply forgotten by any observers as ever being there at all. Improved invisibility merely blended the caster with the background, thus movement was detectable by enemies, but the difficulty of simply seeing the caster clearly made the fighter-mage, with improved invisibility deadly difficult to defeat. The mislead spell "blinked" Hellocthul between improved invisibility, whenever she attacked, to true invisibility when she finished her opponent and spun to the next one. The combination of a target barely seen at, and instantly forgetting she existed at all disoriented and confused the slaver guards, who fell like rows of wheat to a scythe. The black blade parted flesh, bone and armor like tissue.


The mage who was obviously the leader proved different. He started casting a spell, and Hellocthul threw her left handed sword at the mage. The sword bounced off several inches from the mage. She grabbed a plain steel shuriken from her belt, and threw it at the mage. The shuriken punched through the protection from magic weapons spell. The mage, even though he was protected by a stoneskin spell, was still human, and flinched from the metal star coming straight for his eyes, and lost the spell. The violet rays of a breach spell took care of the mage leader's spelled protections. Hellocthul sliced off the mage's right hand with the blade of searing she had in her left hand. The burning blade instantly cauterized the stump.


Hellocthul: Talk! Who is your patron, and your boss!!! Talk now and I won't feed your soul to my little friend here...(The black sword hissed and screamed its protest at being denied. The mage knew enough magic to know his soul was forfeit unless he complied)


Slaver Mage: We...we..serve the Twisted Rune, in all things. And we obey the Strong Ones, in the temple district, next to the Temple of Lathander...


Hellocthul then pulled out a steel dagger, and buried it in his right eye.


Nalia just stood there, shaking.


Hellocthul: I promised not to feed him to the black blade, I never promised to spare his life. Are you ok?


Nalia: No, not that, he said "Strong Ones"...like Torgal said, the "Stronger"...


Jaheira came in, wiping down her scimatars with a rag. She saw Hellocthul and Minsc start searching through the large pile of bodies. She lifted an eyebrow at the number of corpses.


Jaheira: Impressive. Who are you, "Lina Inverse":D


Hellocthul smiled at their old joke.


The party took the children to the Copper Coronet, where Hendak promised to arrange passage for the children on a trading ship he trusted. Hellocthul gave Hendak 500 gold to defray the costs. The former slaves had decided to run the inn until everyone had enough money to go home again, or enough to arrange for their families to join them in Amn. But tonite, of all nights, it was time for a celebration for their freedom and lives.


Hendak gave the party some of Lethian's loot, including a nice suit of platemail that Jaheira claimed immediately. So the party decided to sell some of their loot from De' Arnise hold tomorrow, and visit the dwarf Cromwell in the docks to get the suit fitted for Jaheira. Then take a look at the government district. The party settled down on comfortable chairs, eating their supper, since by now it was dusk. And to drink, of course.


Hendak sat with them, still trying to adjust to finally being free. He told the party about his former life in the highlands of the north, where he herded reindeer and mooses in the frozen fields of the Icewinds of Dale. He spoke of his guard moose, Anargh, and how he and his sons depended on the trained and intelligent moose to act like a guard dog.


Jan: You know, my sister was bit by a moose once....


Party: JAN!!!


He was pelted by bacon rinds and small bones.


As the party left the Coronet, the final event put the perfect capper on the entire evening. A wailing voice cried out "MMMMOOOMMMMMMMYYY!!!!! MOIRRRRRRA!!!" and they heard the familar voice of Anomen passing by the entrance of the tavern, and the sounds of booted feet chasing him, with shouts of public indecency and orders to halt in the name of the guard.


Nalia: It really was an awful thing to do to him. He is going to lose his beard and moustache, and I still remember him trying to grow one as a child. Heehahhahhahah!!!


Hellocthul: Nobody messes with my girl. Lets go, honey.

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The next day, after a good night's rest in their rooms at the Mithrest inn, Nalia woke Hellocthul with a kiss to the cheek. Hellocthul had ale breath. Nalia found it kinda strange that a half elven girl would prefer ale to wine, but as it turned out, Hellocthul had first trained to be a kensai, before she discovered her sorcery, and one of her instructors were dwarven. So after she had a hard day of practice, she was often found with her dwarven weapons master, sharing a pint or two of Red Dragon Dwarven Ale.


Hellocthul decided to hit the government district first to look at the plans filed in the city archives, to see if they could get a plan for the place next to the temple of lathander in the temple district. Nalia looked at her with astonishment.


Nalia: Look at the city plans for the Building we are planning to raid? That is so thoughtful.


Hellocthul: Of course we should look at the plans first, that is the obvious thing to do. What do I look like, some half-orc Bhaalspawn with a name, a name, a common orcish name, like "Andoral" or something like that? I may have green hair, sweetie, but I was trained by professionals. My dwarven master, old Killian Bloodaxe, he was war leader of his clan and military advisor to the King of Dwarves before he retired to Candlekeep to write his histories and military tactics books.


Nalia: I've been meaning to ask you, hon, about your green hair. Why do you keep it hidden under a kerchief all the time? I love touching it and stroking it. And, urm...isn't "Andoral" an elven name?


Hellocthul: Oh yeah, it is. I can speak orcish, but I don't know any orcish names. And I have some dryad in my blood, a few generations back. That is why those dryads in Irenicuse's lair almost broke my heart. People react...urm...differently to a girl with any hint of dryad in her background. Men in particular. I don't like it much.


Nalia: Oh my, and here I thought you constantly fill my thoughts just because you were heartstoppingly beautiful. You were just bewitching me.(giggle)


Hellocthul: Nope, that was just plain old fashioned sex appeal. Now, which office is it, sweetheart?


The clerk who took their request looked at them in surprise.


Clerk: You know, I've been working here for years, and this is only the second time I remember a bunch of adventurers requesting city plans. Led by a woman too, one with bright red hair, in fact it was flaming red. She was a bard, too, with a good looking girlfriend with her, a mage I think, with a golden nose ring.


Hellocthul: So do you have such plans?


Clerk: Here is the book of all the buildings in the City with a map of the locations of all the buildings under 10,000 square feet, and a rough plan of the interior of all buildings over 10,000 square feet. Now the building you were interested is right here.


Hellocthul: Ah, I see. My friend, this is a most useful book. Might you be interested in "losing" it, for some gold, perhapse?


Clerk: Well, they don't pay us well here. I'll say about 200 should cover my traveling expenses. My wife has some family in the Umar hills. I am sure I could find work there.


Hellocthul hands over some gold and a topaz gem. Both of them knew that the gem more than covered the difference and was better for travelers, being lighter and easier to hide than gold.


Nalia: I wish we had this book last night, but the office was closed, so no one could have helped us find the right book.


The party left the building, with the new "Purchase" hidden in Nalia's backpack. Near the district exit, they saw a mob of peasants and a priest of Bashaba talking to a Knight of the Radiant Heart.


Priest: Look ye here on this foul drow! What shall we do with her?


Mob: Burn her! Burn the witch!


Sir. Bombast: Look here, my good people, what proof do you have that she is a witch?


Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt!


Sir. Bombast: A NEWT???!!!


Peasant: Well, I got better.


Sir. Bombast: I'm afraid I must have more evidence before I can permit this burning. Now they didn't cover this in Knightly Deeds class, so how is a witch tried? Dear, dear me. What did Sir. Keldorn say?


Priest: Well, sir knight, its very simple. Now a witch burns at the stake right? What does that tell you? What else burns?


Sir. Bombast: Well, lets see. Urm, naughty men's underwear burns. So does leather clothing and silk blindfolds. Little leather whips and riding crops burn. Oh I know! Wood burns!


Priest: Exactly!!! So this means that....


Sir. Bombast: A witch is made of wood!!! Am I right???


Priest: Yes, Sir Bombast. You have it exactly. Now what happens if you throw wood into the lake?


Sir. Bombast: Urm, it floats! So a witch must also float! To the lake, to toss in our witch!


Priest: Yes, yes, but I have a test which will save time. Now then, what also floats?


Sir. Bombast: Urm, white lacey naughty men's underwear floats, and some of the leather clothing floats, but not the nice shiny black leather whips with satin thongs, or the Ostrich leather riding crop. The silk blindfolds might float, but that is all the things I can think of that float...


Hellocthul: A duck. (Behind her the party, except Minsc have all fallen down on the ground, unable to get up because they were giggling so hard. Hellocthul had an impassive face, except for a suspicious twitch in her left lip.)


Priest: Correct, most beautiful maiden. Now then this means...


Sir. Bombast: If the drow weighs the same as a duck, it is a witch!!!


Priest: Precisely!!! Now here is a duck, and quite conviently we are next to some large scales. (Athlanka is the city of coin, after all.) Let us put the drow in one arm, and this duck in the other. If they weigh the same, the drow must be a witch!!! Bring out the witch!!!


To Jaheira's and Hellocthul's surprise, the drow they bring out was Viconia.


Viconia: Shar! Save your servant from the idiotcy and congenital defectives of the surfacers!!! Let not your servant die in such an infernally STUPID fashion! Wait! I know you!!!


Hellocthul cut down Viconia from her bonds. She broke many bones among the priest's followers, and broke his jaw, several ribs and both arms. The flat of a long sword makes a most effective club. She chased all the priest's followers off, and Sir. Bombast fled as rapidly as he could.


Most of the party was still helpless from giggling. And after a while, Hellocthul couldn't help herself either.


Nalia: Did you hear that knight as you kicked him on the tush? He said you can't treat a knight this way, but obviously you could!!! Ahhahhahahahahha!!!


Viconia: Thank you for your timely rescue, abbil. I would rather endure the worst fires of the Abyss than go to my goddess in such a STUPID fashion. I would have been shamed for all eternity. I am grateful, Hellocthul, and I wish to express that gratitude. (Viconia walks over and kisses Hellocthul deeply and with intense ardor. Nalia starts to erupt.) Any time, you wish, abbil.


Hellocthul grabs Nalia's hand and draws her in front of herself, her arms wrapped around her.


Hellocthul: Urm, I already have someone special already, Viconia. But we do need a powerful cleric with us, we hunt!


Viconia: AAAHHHH....it is good to hear the call again, abbil. But once again you have rejected my offer of rewarding you and shown me kindness instead. It will be good to hunt with you again. Who is the quarry?


Hellocthul: A powerful mage named Irenicus. He stole Imoen from me. I shall take her back, and leave a stinking corpse for the maggots to feed on. What say you?


Viconia: Well, it seems you have lost your pink haired shadow, and found a blonde shadow. (Viconia leans close to both Hellocthul and Nalia) My offer of a night of intense pleasure and mutual, ahem, "exploration" includes both of you, of course. Hellocthul has shown me the boon of kindness when I have given her reason to distrust me. I would not wish to sow discord in her arrangements.


Nalia was no longer mad, however she was blushing furiously.


Nalia: DON'T YOU DARE!!!


Hellocthul grabbed her up for an intense kiss.


The rest of the party, who were snickering had grabbed themselves up and were getting ready to go.


The party moved out to the docks, to get Jaheira's new platemail fitted. Only a few dwarven master craftsman lived in the city, and by all repute, cromwell was the best. Only dwarven master armor smiths could literally reforge a high quality platemail suit to fit a different person than it was forged for. And of course without reducing its protection. Magical mail and armor was harder to alter, of course, but still within the budget of most adventuring parties. As they passed the warehouses, they were accosted by a priest in black robes.


Crazed priest: Kneel before Cyric!


Jan: Wow! That was a great kick, Viconia! He's still going...ooff..he bounced, again, again...Lass, that was a 4 bounce kick!


Viconia: I seem to feel a certain anger tword surfacer priests. And thanks to Shar's gift of the spell that allows me to Draw on Her Might, I indulged myself.


Minsc: Wow! Even Boo is impressed with little witchy's ability to kick the butt of Evil! Little witchy managed 4 bounces! Only when Minsc kicks little Evil butts can Minsc manage 4 bounces! Will little witchy teach Minsc secret of bouncing evil around like rubber ball?


Gatekeeper of the Shadow Thief's Headquarters: Ah, then, you be Hellocthul, right?


Hellocthul: That's right, who are you?


Gatekeeper: Well, you have spoken with a member of a certain organization. You are welcome inside.


Hellocthul: And if we wished to go inside, what do I do?


Gatekeeper: Simply enter, and say to the inner guards that you come "In Baelyn's Name"


Hellocthul: I simply say I come "In Baelyn's Name"?


Gatekeeper: That is it, my friend.


The party decides to skip out at looking at the Shadow Thief Lair until later. At Cromwell's, Hellocthul decides Viccy should be fitted for the Platemail suit, and they should pick up for Jaheira the Aegir's Hide armor. Jaheira just gained the Druid blessings that gave her immunities to poison, and elemental resistance. The Aegir's Hide will compliment that. The platemail will be ready in a couple of days.


As they were leaving, Hellocthul remembers something she had read in the extensive libraries of Candlekeep.


Hellocthul: Master Cromwell, can you upgrade magical armor and weapons? I seem to recall certain few of the Dwarven Masters could do that...


Cromwell: Well, my pretty elven lassie, I lack the magic necessary to upgrade magical items. However, my new assistant in the forge is capable in such matters. Oh Riff, here are some customers.


Riff: Greetings gorgeous babe. What can I build for you? A rocket armed kangaroo? A mechanical easter bunny? Nerf assault weapons?


The assistant had a strange manner of speaking, that was hard for the party to follow. However, they were able to get a partial listing of the item upgrades "Riff" was able to do, and they left the forge. He kept asking for things that made little sense, like a "oscillation over-thruster" and a "flux capacitor", which not even Hellocthul, with her scholar's trained mind could identify.


The party heads over to the temple district. There, they encounter a blind priest. After accepting the quest from the Watcher Olsig, and promising to look into the matter of the unseeing eye after the slaver situation in Athlanka was resolved, the party enters the temple of Lathander. They ask the priests for access to the roof.


Hellocthul: Ok, the Slavers live in a home with two levels. The best way to take a building is with a simultanious assault from top down and bottom up. Minsc, Jae, and Yoshimo will wait at the entrance for my signal. Nalia, Viccy, Jan and I will walk across the roof of the temple, to the roof of the slaver building, and enter via the trapdoor on the roof. Jae, make sure you check for traps before you give me the ready signal. This is where the traps most likely will be. Use loud spells, and war cries, everyone. The noise from the upstairs will distract the downstairs enemies and vice versa.


As the upstairs group gets into position, Viccy, who was admiring her new Flail of the Ages hanging from her belt, sees something from the roof on the streets that puzzles her.


A group of monks in cowled brown robes were chanting sonoriously in step, as they were walking, holding large wooden tablets in their hands.


"Ana Dominus Requiem, Filios Dominus Requiem.(Whack!!!)"


Viconia gave a little jump as all the monks simultaniously whacked their heads in unison with the large wooden tablets they each were holding.


"Ana Dominus Requiem,..."


Viconia: Who are these drooling imbeciles, abbil? I thought I had just seen the stupidest surfacers alive, when I saw that graphic example of why siblings should not procreate together, wearing the armor of a knight, but this, this, this...How is it after thousands of years of trying we have failed to conquor the surface populated by such howling lunacy and sheer stupidity?


Nalia: Oh well, thats the novitiates of Illmather. After they are accepted, they spend about a year doing this. Interestingly enough, Viconia, failed noviciates tend to end up in the knightly orders. (Nalia had noticed Viconia had actually oggled the men in the crowds in the streets. She relaxed a bit, her jelousy under control.)


Viconia: So, that explains much.


Hellocthul: Ok, people, game time. Viccy, I want you to cast the free action spell after I cast improved haste on myself and Minsc. Minsc, cast draw on holy might, same for you Viccy. Nalia, hon, do you have a spell sequencer ready? Load up with web spells. We'll freeze them in their tracks, and Minsc and I will slice and dice. Ready? Let's Go!


As they burst through the rooftop trapdoor, Hellocthul's and Nalia's web spells froze most of the Slaver Lords in their tracks. Minsc and Hellocthul slaughtered most of them in seconds, leaving the most dangerous for last. Sion and Koshi remained alive, Koshi frozen by the webs but Sion still able to move and cast spells. Hellocthul attacked Sion with her twin blades, but they stopped as if they had hit an invisible wall a few inches from his skin. Nalia was firing plain, non-magical arrows furiously, unable to hurt Sion who was protected by stoneskins, but unable to cast spells due to the arrows coming at his face. Hellocthul casts breach, and her swords cut his head off.


Koshi merely stands there, looking impassive, while waiting for the webs to disappear. Hellocthul waves off the others, and also simply standing there, waiting with her swords.


Koshi: I assume by your prowess you are the leader, no?


Hellocthul: Yes.


Koshi: And your schools and your master? You are undoubtably a kensai, and I would guess of the elven tradition.


Hellocthul: Alianna of Evermeet was my master, and my schools are the Two Heavens, Dragon Rising, and the Hammer and the Axe. And you?


Koshi: This will be interesting, I have not fought against those schools. Mine are the Two Arcs, Sleeping Tiger, and Hummingbird in Flight. No magic?


Hellocthul casts dispell on herself.


Hellocthul: No magic. It shall be in the traditional ways, blade against blade, skill against skill. But I demand a forfeit.


Koshi: A forfeit? Of what kind?


Hellocthul: The names, location, and numbers and strength of your masters, the ones who run slavery in this city, and who nearly killed the father of my beloved.


(Nalia's heart jumps at this, this is the first time either of them had used the term, though she has been silently saying it in her heart.)


Koshi: That is acceptable. I do not associate with filthy slavers out of choice, I was bound by a "debt", and the holder of the debt lies in a pool of his own blood. My sister, I ask only one favor. My blade, celestial fury, has been too long besmirched by being wielded in the service of these scum. I ask you, if I should fall, you bear it in nobler causes. And what better cause than in the harrowing of these creatures? The ones you seek include in their number a lich, a beholder, an assassin, a mage, and a vampire. They await you in the bridge district, behind a locked door near dock 13. Here, take this. You will need it to enter. My sister, be most careful and arm yourself well. They are very powerful. Ah...the webs fade. (Koshi tosses to Nalia a small rogue stone, engraved and polished in a peculiar way.)


They both bow to each other, and attack. Nalia had seen her love battle before, but always it had been against opponents of vastly inferior skill, and Hellocthul had been magically protected. Now she saw her battle an opponent nearly her skill, and her heart was in her mouth.


Hellocthul had met very few her equal in swordsmanship or magic in her travels, her late brother Sarevok being the last. She parried and slashed with deadly concentration, waiting for that one opening, that tiny fraction of a second hesitation, or overreach, or a slight slip in his footing. As Koshi's foot slipped, her right hand sword moved faster than the eye as it sliced open his chest.


Koshi: I never had a second of doubt as to who was better. I bid you farewell, my sister in sword, and I surrender to you celestial fury. I am sorry, my blade, you deserved a better master.


Hellocthul gently closed Koshi's eyes, and removed the glowing magical sword from his dead fingers. Jaheira and the downstairs party comes up the stair case.


Jaheira: Everything under control? I see. Who was he, Hellocthul?


Hellocthul: A brother of the sword, his name was Koshi, and this is his blade. Any trouble downstairs?


Jaheira: Oh, nothing much. A tame demon, some ogres, and nishruu or two. Switching to plain steel foiled their attempts to munch on our weapons. I think we have a lot of searching to do, for documents and such, if we are to attack the "twisted rune" that the slaver mage spoke of.


Hellocthul: No, we have the information we need. Lets strip this place down, it looks to be a major assault, and we will need all the best equipment we can buy.


Nalia held her love's hand while the party searched and looted the place.

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The party finishes looting the lair of the slave lords, then they go to the government district to talk to Inspecter Bragga. Bragga, according to Nalia's father, is the last honest cop in the city. The documents they recovered from the slave lords should shake many a house of noble repute.


They then spent a few hours shopping. They got some powerful weapons, and traded in some of their weapons for even more powerful weapons and armor. Jaheira admired the fit of her new Aegar's Hide armor, and Minsc liked the axe Azuredge.


Minsc: Minsc likes his new axe. Even Boo thinks this new axe will give the backhand of goodness to the pimply face of evil! Woe be on to you, Evil! Minsc will apply the pore strip of goodness to the face of evil, and yank it off!!! (squeek, eek!)


Jan: Urm, Minsc, your axe is pink.


Minsc: Yes, it is. Even Boo says it is pink. Minsc thinks the axe is pretty. It is pretty in pink.


Jan: Well, you know, the color of this axe reminds me of my dear uncle Homer Janssen. He owned the largest turnip farm in these here lands, and he kept sampling his produce. "For freshness", He would say. Of course he kept putting on the weight, until he completely out grew his own clothes. He never excersized, poor Uncle Homer, except his daily walk to the house next door where he and his friends met for their morning meal, and card game. So he finally went to his tailor. His tailor said he had nothing in stock big enough except a pink Moo-moo...


Hellocthul: What is a Moo-moo?


Jan: Its a dress for ahem...very "healthy" women, sorta like a sack with arm and head holes. Anyway, poor Uncle Homer had to wear that pink Moo-moo everyday for the rest of his life to go to his Breakfast Club.


The party then set off for the bridge district.


Aegisfield: I trust you will keep your weapons at your sides...


After finding out about the mysterious murders in the bridge district, the party soon finds itself standing before the lair of the Twisted Rune. Nalia easily disarms the trap on the door.


Hellocthul: You're getting very good at that, love.


Nalia was still getting used to being called that. Hearing that makes her heart give a little leap every time.


Nalia: Well, I know you depend on my trap disarming skills, my beloved.(blush)


Jaheira: Children, the beholder, lich, vampire, assassin, mage?


Nalia in a whisper: Is she always like that?


Hellocthul: Pretty much, she is sorta like your aunty. Just not as loud.


The party prepares to rumble, casting combat spells and protections before opening the door. The doorway reveals a polished obsidian mirror surface of a portal.


Hellocthul walks in, and the rest of the party follows. They find themselves in a small room, and a line of skull traps guarding the entrance to a larger round room.


Hellocthul: Ok, looks like the occupants left...lets see what is there under mage sight...looks like a set trap spell, with an alert screamer. Well, it looks like if you step into the other room, the trap spell will trigger, and they will all gate in using those other portal mirrors. Ok, I just had a nasty idea. People, spread out prepare for battle, and archers in the little staircase.


Hellocthul casts project image. A perfect replica of Hellocthul appears, except for an "H" marking on her forehead. Hellocthul (the real one) is instantly frozen.


Nalia: My love, is that you?


Hellocthul(image) silently points to the "H" on her forehead, and moves her lips but no sound emerges.(of course, she mimes blowing a kiss at Nalia, making her giggle, and jaheira gives her a dirty look) She then casts protection from magical energy on herself, silently mouthing the words, but the spell still casts perfectly, and walks to the skull traps blocking the doorway. They detonate, and she walks gibberlings3.netinto the larger round room, unharmed. She then casts a number of skull trap spells in front of the 5 portal mirrors lining the walls of the chamber.


Jaheira: Nalia, I don't know enough about arcane magic to understand. Hellocthul said the larger chamber was trapped with an alert spell. So why did she enter the round room?


Nalia: I don't know that much about the higher magics myself, Jaheira, She is so powerful and clever and brilliant and... (Jaheira rolls her eyes) anyway, from what little I know, I think that projected images will not trigger certain types of trap spells. She is so smart!!!


Jaheira: And what about that marking on her forehead?


Nalia: Oh, the "H":D It simply identifies a projected image.


Hellocthul(image) finishes trapping each portal mirror with a few skulls each, then rejoins the party. She goes up to a smiling Nalia, and leans over to kiss her. Of course, since this is an image, Nalia feels nothing but a slight wisp of wind. The image vanishes, the spell running out, and the real Hellocthul is able to move.


Nalia: Oh love, that was like kissing moonlight, or a breeze...


The party makes final preparations. Hellocthul, loaded with her most powerful short duration protection spells, walks in person thru the doorway.


A line of witch fires appears on the single round table in the center of the room, and a lich appears.


Shandalar: So, insignificant little fleshlings, you have entered a place filled with death and pain. Why do you disturb us? Does the burden and ennui of life displease you so much you wish to have your flesh torn asunder and your souls drained for our feeding? Answer and be doomed.


Hellocthul: Oh, I'm all scared now, save this poor maiden!!! (Jaheira snorts) We came to break your bones, rend your flesh, and spit on your graves!!! We came to stamp you into the ground!!!


Shandalar: AAAAHHHHH...Amusement today, my friends. The twisted rune has some sport!


A beholder, vampire, mage and assassin all step out of a mirror. The skull traps detonate, filling the room with their blast and shock. The twisted rune members are thrown to the floor by the force of the detonations, but rise again, hurt but not killed.


Minsc hurls Azuredge against the lich, but Shandalar had already cast protection from magic weapons on himself, and the weapon returns to Minsc's hands, unable to do any harm. Hellocthul casts her most powerful spells, but the twisted rune members came prepared for battle. They came with spell protections already cast on themselves. Obviously Shandalar's little dialog gave the other members of the rune warning and time to prepare for battle.


Shandalar casts skull traps into the little staircase where the archers were firing arrows, the blast knocks Jaheira out, and Yoshimo drops to his knees, the blast twisting his ankle. Vaxall attacks Hellocthul, with his anti magic ray. Viconia, who was ready, uses the shield of balduran to bounce his death ray back at the beholder, killing him instantly. Hellocthul's spell protections were stripped by the anti magic ray, and Shandalar's abi dahzim spell had hurt her, and most of the party badly. Time for tentacle powers!!!


Hellocthul: Chuuuuuu...



Hello Cthulhu appears, dressed in a little red and white checked gingham dress, wearing tiny black leather army boots, and a cute little red and white gingham bonnet with green pigtails peeking out from them.


Hello Cthulhu: Mr. Flibble!


A cute penguin shaped sock puppet appears in her right hand. It has a big yellow beak, black and white body, and little red colored glass buttons for eyes.


Mr. Flibble: What shall we do with nasty, stinky smeg heads? I know! I shall use my magic carpet to go to the King of the Potato People. He will know what to do with nasty stinky smeg heads! Wait, Hello Cthulhu, you say the king already knows about these stinky smeg heads? What does the king say I should do to them?


Mr. Flibble talks in this cute, squeeky high pitched voice, and his expression is most annoyed. (or as annoyed as it is possible for a hand with a sock on it to express emotions.)


Hello Cthulhu bends and quickly whispers to Mr. Flibble.


Mr. Flibble: OH NO, Hello Cthulhu, we can't do that, who will clean up the mess?


Shandalar: What madness is this? A most interesting tactic, to try to make us laugh to death. I commend your imagination, fleshlings. Your brains will be a most succulent and delectable repast indeed.


Mr. Flibble: Time for Mr. Flibble to fry these stinky, annoying smeg-heads with his hex-vision!!!

Twinkle, Twinkle, little eye,

now its time for you to die!



Mr. Flibble's eyes glow red, and a blindingly bright red beam of light comes out of Mr. Flibble's eyes. The rays hit Shandalar, and it instantly explodes into dust. More beams blast Shryessa.


Mr. Flibble: All annoying and stinky smeg-heads gone! Wait, someone is playing hide and seek! I see you!!!


One last eye-beam hits the still invisible Layene, and she falls to the floor, her staff rolling from her hand, half her body a smoking charred cinder.


As Nalia sits up after Viconia finishes casting her Heal spell, she runs over to Hello Cthulhu, picks her up, and covers her face with kisses. Hello Cthulhu and Mr. Flibble kisses Nalia back.


Mr. Flibble: What a nice girl you are!!!


After Hellocthul is back to herself, the party looks at the mess. Yoshimo is still limping where he took a skull trap blast on his right leg, Jaheira is still knocked out, but seems ok. Minsc was healed by Viconia, and Nalia is shaken but allright.


The party loots the bodies, finding an impressive sum of gold, and the Staff of the Magi, which Hellocthul gives to Nalia. They use the eye of the beholder to activate the exit portal.

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Minsc carries the uncontious Jaheira as the party leaves the Twisted Rune. They head out for the entrance of the bridge district.


Nalia: Love, do we still have time to investigate those killings? It scares me, but we really should help those poor people in this district. And it seems like the guard can't solve it. I'm afraid, but this seems to be our duty.


Hellocthul: That is where we are going. And its ok, I will protect you. And so will Minsc, right Minsc?


Minsc: Minsc will protect little witch. And so will Boo! If Evil tries to kick the butt of Good little witch, Minsc will protect Good little witch with his own butt. And Minsc has a big butt, so Evil cannot kick hard enough to hurt Minsc.


Nalia in a whisper: Hon, is Minsc all right? I mean he is so strange sometimes that I get a little nervous.


Hellocthul mouths the word "later".


After talking with Rampah, who extorts 100 gold from the party, surprisingly astute for a raving lunatic, no? They head over to the prostitute Rose.


Viconia: Rose! Hey, Rose! Where is Laska?


Rose: Hmmm? Do I know you, Dearie? Ummm...I think I would like to get to "know" you....hmmmm....


Viconia: Urm, sorry, wrong series.


Hellocthul: Ok, the guard at the city gates said you might know something about the recent murders.


Rose: OH MY, you are a pretty one, aren't you? Interested in a good time?


Hellocthul: Urm, no thanks. About the murders?


Rose: Well, a working girl has to eat. 60 gold. Or an hour with those fine, strapping hunks you have on your leash, hmmmmm? Or half an hour with you, pretty.


They pay the gold, and find out about the guril berrys. The nearby seller has 3 samples for Rose. And he identified the leather Rampah gave them as elephant hide. After Rose smells the 3 samples, she identifies the smell as oak bark.


As they were about to leave, Hellocthul catches a whiff of something vile and noxious beyond belief.


Hellocthul: Cough, Cough!! What on earth is that stench? Its enough to make a ghoul gag! Cough, Cough!! Oh my gods! Its coming from you, Rose! Did you take a dip in the sewers??!!!


Viconia: Wait! I recognize that stench! Hellocthul, remember that time in front of Baldur's Gate? When that good-for-nothing, disgusting busy body gigalo of Mystaria met us???


Hellocthul: You're right, Viccy!!! Its that same eye-tearing open grave stench that wafed off that perverted and sick dirty old man, who tried to grope me...(and gave me a bruise on my butt that lasted 3 days!!!)


Hellocthul narrows her eyes at Rose, who is trying her best to look innocent, and she quickly casts a true sight spell. Rose's form shimmers, and an ancient old man, wearing a soiled red robe, and a tall pointed hat of the same color appears.


Elminster: I thought it best, my child, urm....urm...to keep an eye on you, yes, to keep an eye on you, and to....guide you, yes, guide you on your proper path. So I took the form, simple, really for a sorceror of my immense and unspeakable skill, of a common street prostitute to place myself in your path.


Hellocthul: So! So this is what the chosen of Mystaria do when they aren't off humping goddesses!!! They cast glamours on themselves, and sell their bodies off to the lowest bidder! Oh let me guess, you are about to say you just d-gated a few seconds ago to give me this information! Well, that just proves your brain is as decrepid and useless as the rest of you. You must have been here the night of the murders to identify the oak bark, and I just saw you, when we first passed by here on our way to our last battle, pick up that dwarf, half-orc and gnome...and I saw you lead them upstairs. You are so disgusting, and so pathetic, and such a pervert you have to use your powers to pick up sex partners!!! YECH!!!


Viconia holds up a cardboard sign with a 9 written on it: Good tonal control, excellent choice of insults, and imaginative words. You get a 9 from the drow judge. Bravo, abbil!


Elminster turns bright red, and d-gates away.


Nalia: Urm, honey? Who was that?


Viconia: That was the Chosen of Mystaria, one of that obsolete goddesse's former pleasure toys. That, my dear, was the disgusting pervert Elminster.


Nalia: ELMINSTER!!! You just yelled at Elminster! OH MY GODS! We are all going to die!!! (she looks upward, scanning anxiously for signs of a bolt of lightning)


Hellocthul: Hey, babe, its ok, he is just an old blowhard who has inflated his reputation by rumors and false stories. All he really is is a disgusting dirty old man with a hot reputation. I am glad, though that Jae is still out cold. She probably would have burst a vein if she had been awake...hehhehehehheh!!!


Jaheira, right on cue, moans from her position of being carried by Minsc over his shoulder. She wakes up, and gets off Minsc.


Nalia suddenly gets mad: Honey!!! He pinched your butt!!! That butt belongs to me! OOO...if I ever get my hands on him!!!


Hellocthul: Its ok,(hehehheheh!!!!) After he pinched me, Imoen gave him a wedgie so bad he couldn't have sat down for a week. It did take her a couple of days to wash off the smell on her hand, though...ICK!!!


Jaheira: Children, what is going on? Are we out of that foul place?


Hellocthul: Ok, Jae, just sit here with Yoshimo, and rest a while, and the rest of us will go and investigate the tanner.


After investigating the tanner, and killing off the Zhent agents and recovering the bow staff of gesen, they head off to find Aegisfield. He was very pleased with their work, especially since they did all the dangerous stuff, and gives them a hefty reward of 1000 gold.


The party, well pleased with how the day went, head off for the mithrest inn for a big meal and sleep.


Nalia walks into the room that she shares with Hellocthul.


Nalia: Honey, you were going to tell me about Minsc?


Nalia slips into bed beside her girlfriend, both of them wearing nightshirts.


Hellocthul: Its actually a very sad story. You see, years ago when Jae, Khalid, Immy and I met Minsc, he was a ranger, and a scholar in the northern forests of Rashomon. Dynahir introduced us, she was his sister in law.


Nalia: Minsc was married? And a "scholar"?


Hellocthul: He spoke 6 languages, and was widely respected for his wit and wisdom. He had a wife, and a son, who he loved more than anything in the world. He was such a nice man! So warm and gentle, and his eyes glowed when he talked about his family. We spent many an hour discussing the finer points of philosophy and natural history. He had left his family to escort his sister in law to Beregost. Dynahir had some business there.


Nalia: And then? Then what happened to him?


Hellocthul: Well, we found out the full story a few months later, when we ran into Dynahir and Minsc. Vampires. When he and Dynahir went back to Rashomon, they found his entire family and his best friend, who stayed with his family slaughtered. Dynahir would never talk about what they had found, she merely said it was literally unspeakable. Minsc went berserk. He and Dynahir tracked down the nest of vampires that killed his family, and killed them all. Afterward, he....he tried to kill himself. He threw himself off a high cliff. Dynahir found him barely alive, with this great gaping wound in his skull. She gave him what aid he could, and got him to a local temple. When he finally came to, he became the big lug he is today. He couldn't face losing his family, so he "retreated" into himself, and became Minsc the mighty butt-kicker of evil.


Nalia's eyes were weeping by this time: And Boo?


Hellocthul: When he came to in the temple, he adopted a small hamster that the local cleric kept as a pet. You see, his son's name was Bucenalis, but Minsc simply called his son "Boo". When Minsc is saying Boo tells him something, he is actually using his former intellect, and Boo is merely the "voice" as it were.


Nalia: Oh, but honey, hamsters don't live very long, a couple of years at the most...


Hellocthul: Yes, I know. Jae, Immy and I take care of him, we watch over him, and "Boo" is actually Boo the fourth...whenever the current Boo dies, I hit him with a power word stun spell, and we find another hamster...you've noticed the tiny copper collar Boo wears? I enchanted that collar years ago, and it makes the hamster stick close to Minsc, and Minsc, thank the gods, never notices the difference.


Nalia: That is so sad! Oh poor Minsc...he suffered so much, and lost so much...you are right, he is simply much happier this way. And WE will watch over him...Have I told you that I love you? You are such a kind and caring person.


Hellocthul: And I love you. You are everything I ever wanted, beautiful, wise, a little headstrong (grin) and so sweet...


Nalia: How could you fall in love with me? You are so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful, you could have anyone you want! I know I am pretty, everyone says so, but you are heartstopping gorgeous!!!


Hellocthul: I fell in love with you in the dungeons of De'Arnise hold, when you grabbed me as Hello Cthulu and kissed me while I was still in that shape. I told you about my taint, and my probable destiny, and you still stayed, and you still loved me!!! I won't ever let you go.


Nalia: Well, I don't plan on letting you go either. I was crazy about you when I was "Nalian", and I became so afraid of losing you, when you found out the truth, I nearly drove myself insane!


Hellocthul: Well, you won't lose me in either form. (she kisses Nalia and wraps her arms around her)


Nalia: Well, let's just test that, shall we? (giggle)


Nalia gently twists the bezel of her family ring, and her form shimmers into that of "Nalian", a delicately handsome blonde young man.


Hellocthul gently strokes Nalian's body, and her fingers discover that it was still Nalia under the perfect illusion. They kiss, and things become more intense.

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(Warning, this episode contains material of an erotic nature.  Please do not read if this offends you.)











Nalia enters the room she shares with her lover, and sits down on the bed facing her.  Hellocthul is in her sleeping shift, sitting up in the bed, her pale green hair loose and unbound.  Nalia simply looks at her, and gently takes her hand.  This stills Nalia's trembling fingers, but her heart is loud in her ears, and the room's air feels thicker with every breath.


"Are you sure you want to do this?" Hellocthul asks in a soft voice.


Nalia nods.  She carefully undoes the buttons in her nightshirt.  Viconia steps out from the shadows.  She is wearing a pale white nightshift; her ebony skin makes the white of her garment glow like flame in the soft moonlight.


Viconia sits down on the bed, and finish undoing the buttons of Nalia's nightshirt from behind.  She slowly pulls off Nalia's nightshirt. It lies in a white bundle on the floor, still warm from her skin. Nalia shivers as Viconia's clever fingers untie her breast band, and Nalia's breath quickens as Viconia reveals her breasts to Hellocthul.  Hellocthul leans over, and takes Nalia into her arms for a lingering kiss.  She then puts her hands behind Nalia's and Viconia's heads, and brings them together.  Viconia kisses Nalia.  Her kiss is demanding and ungentle, and Nalia shakes deep inside at the passion expressed thru her lips.  Viconia's lips are so soft.


Nalia shifts position, and lies back against her lover, Hellocthul's silk covered breasts pressing against her back.  Hellocthul's arms wrap around her, holding her.  Viconia stands up, and removes her night shift.  She is nude underneath the shift, and Nalia gasps at the sight of her ebony body.  She sits back on the bed,and then her fingers slowly reach for Nalia.


Viconia's fingertips barely touch the skin of her shoulders, and then they glide over the surface of Nalia's skin.  The palms, the fingertips brush the soft, invisible hairs covering her skin, and Viconia moves them in gliding patterns, stroking her arms, breasts, belly, and legs. Nalia could feel the heat coming from Viconia's hands on her skin, and Viconia's feather-like touch is like a hot summer breeze on her.  Nalia's flesh tingles as Viconia's touch passes over them, and she holds very still as Viconia inflames her senses.


Hellocthul then gently caresses her lover in all the places Nalia loves.  Her gentle stroking and caressing is a familiar and complementary counterpoint to Viconia's etheral strokes, and Nalia closes her eyes as four hands are exploring her body. The four hands play her like a musical instrument, two beloved, knowing and tender, and two unfamiliar and glowing with inner heat.  She feels like a string on a lute tightened to the breaking point, the gentlest touch sounding a note barely on the edge of perception, aching for release.


Viconia stops, then leans over, and lies on top of Nalia, the points of her breasts pressing against the soft flesh underneath Nalia's own breasts.  Viconia kisses Hellocthul, her tongue darting into her waiting mouth.  Nalia wraps her arms around Viconia, as she kisses her lover.  Viconia's skin is hot to the touch, and as Nalia licks the side of Viconia's neck, she tastes salt. She smells the musky scent of Viconia, heavy with promise. Viconia stands up, pulling out of Nalia's arms, then reaches over for Nalia's last undergarments. She pulls them over Nalia's legs.  As Nalia instinctively covers herself with her arms, Hellocthul takes her wrists, and pulls her arms out to the sides, uncovering her again to Viconia's hungry gaze.  Hellocthul's fingers slide between her fingers, clasping her hands.  Nalia can see Viconia's eyes, heavy lidded with sensuality, and her gaze on Nalia's body is like a touchless caress.  Nalia's skin feels tight and stretched with tension, and burning with shame.  Viconia has a triumphant smile on her lips, as Hellocthul once again bares Nalia's body to her.


Hellocthul whispers in her ear. "It's all right, don't be afraid."


Viconia lays down again on top of Nalia, this time the points of her breasts pressing on the points of Nalia's breasts. Viconia's weight presses against Nalia's body, pinning her against Hellocthul's body. She wraps her arms around both Hellocthul and Nalia, and it is Nalia's turn to be kissed by Viconia.  Viconia tastes of musk and salt, as if she had bitten the inside of her mouth.  Viconia's tongue glides past her unresisting lips, and caresses the inside of Nalia's mouth, probing and darting like a living thing.


Viconia raises her head from Nalia's face, she smiles.  There is anticipation in her smile, a lust.


"So, does this please you?" Viconia asks.  


"Yes, oh yes...." Nalia sighs.


"THEN DIE!!!" Viconia's face twists in a snarl of animal rage.


Viconia's eyes glow red, and she opens her mouth to reveal her canines growing in front of Nalia's horrified eyes, before Viconia's head plunges down to the side of Nalia's neck.


Nalia screams as sharp fangs tear into the flesh of her neck.




Nalia wakes up, violently shivering, covered in cold sweat.


"Beloved, what is wrong!" Hellocthul asks frantically, her eyes wide with shock.


Nalia realizes that she is in her bed, her lover right next to her, holding her, and that this was just a nightmare...she is shivering violently, and it is many minutes before she can calm down enough to speak.  


She gasps out her dream. "I dreamt that you and Viconia were making love to me, and that Viconia turned into a vampire, and she bit me, and I could feel her teeth ripping open my throat.  I was so scared!!!"


"Beloved, that was just a dream.  It's because I told you the story of how Minsc lost his family to vampires, that's all.  Shhhhhh...it's just a dream, just a dream". Hellocthul strokes Nalia's shaking body, and softly croons to her. Eventually Nalia relaxes enough to allow Hellocthul to hug her to herself.


The next morning, Nalia and Hellocthul wakes up, and Nalia is uncharacteristically silent as they wash the sleep from their eyes.  They both sit back on the rumpled bed, and Nalia grasps Hellocthul's fingers.


"I'm sorry, I think I know what happened. When Viconia made that "offer" to you that day we rescued her, all I could think about was that Viconia is so beautiful, and so exotic.  I was afraid you would want her over me...and last night, when you told me about how Minsc lost his family to vampires, I think that part of my mind where nightmares come from seized both of those thoughts and made a horrible, horrible dream out of them." Nalia's eyes are downcast.


"Beloved, why would I choose Viconia over you?  You are lovely, and beautiful, and couragous, and kind and gentle.  I see the inner beauty you possess with every step, gesture and word that comes out of your mouth.  I have already made my choice, and my heart is filled with happiness every time I see you. Every time I see you, or hear your voice, I make the same choice over and over again."  Hellocthul's voice was low and passionate, and Nalia's head raises.


"But Viconia is..."


"Viconia likes men, you have already seen this, right?" Nalia nodds. "And it would be wrong, and an act of treachery to take Viconia into my bed.  And I simply will not do it."


"Treachery?  I don't understand." Nalia asks.


"Viconia came from the underdark, where the strong rule and use the weak, and it was normal for a strong woman to take a weaker person into bed.  The weaker person, whether a man or a woman, submitted to the demands of the stronger woman in return for protection.  To Viconia, who often feels vulnerable on the surface, when she makes a pass at me, she is simply showing just how afraid she is.  When we rescued her, she was badly frightened, and she wanted me to protect her, so she made a pass at me...at both of us, in fact.  She has always preferred men, and her seeming wanting me is simply a way of expressing she would submit to me in return for a place in my party.  She needs to see that we are her friends, and she already has a place, and that she need only ask for it.  She needs to see that she does not need to sell her body to me for my friendship."  Nalia simply looks at Hellocthul.


Nalia asks a question hesitantly. "But were you ever tempted? She is very beautiful, and exotic..."


"And you are not?  Beloved, since the first time I saw you, with fire in your eyes, desperate about your father, I wanted to take you into my arms, to kiss you and to touch you, and to take you into my bed to make love to you.  I've hungered for you, even though I thought you were a man.  It shook me, and I felt so happy that first night after you joined us when I discovered you were a woman.  My hunger for you became even greater, and it was hard to not take you into my arms." Nalia smiles at the memory of their first night together. "I did feel attracted to her when we first met, back at Baldur's Gate, but even then I knew she was not interested in me as a lover. You were."


The two lovers then got up, and dressed for the day.  As usual, Nalia delighted in brushing Hellocthul's long, luxurious green hair, and braiding it.  Hellocthul no longer wore a kerchief to cover her green hair, as Nalia liked to see it.




Nalia laughed. "I think, honey, that your stomach is asking for breakfast. Hee hee!"


Hellocthul laughed with her. "Hey, I think that was your stomach!"


Hand in hand, they went downstairs to grab something to eat.


As they reached the common room, they saw two filled plates with rashers of crispy bacon, rolls and cheese omlets.  The rest of the party was already half done with breakfast.

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