Getting Rid of Imoen

[Domi]

I wrote it as a post about the validity of including friends in the character's background, but I think it's amusing as a standalone:

 

 

PC wakes up drugged in the Dungeon.

 

That girl I dropped by Candelkeep a year ago:

Hello! I am your best friend! We were traveling together, remember.

 

PC: Are you drunk? I am hurting, but I can remember whom I traveled with! Where is Kivan and Bran?! You, what's your name again? Imoen? Get lost.

 

That girl trails after me and for no reason at all: (Shoots a pathetic magic missile into a mage who just destroyed half-a-city block)

 

(She is speedily taken to the mental institution where she definitely belongs judging from her actions together with the dangerous mage who tortured me.)

 

PC: Oh, good! Now that it's sorted out, let's -

 

The GAME as Bayle: You surely want to go find your best friend, Imoen.

 

PC: Imoen who? Er... nope.

 

Bayle: Are you sure?

 

PC: Yep.

 

Bayle: Then you want to get back at the mage of the terrifying power?

 

PC: Do I look suicidal to you? I'd rather-

 

Bayle: Excellent! For mere 20,000 gp we will deliver that what you want - going to the place where both your best friend, Imoen, and the mischievous mage are! Cooo!

 

PC: Have not you heard a WORD I was saying?!

 

Journal: I found a few quite interesting friends, and committed a number of good deeds. Everyone still participates in the collective mania of trying to convince me that I want to go to Spellhold. Well, I guess, it's one way to screw a girl out of 15,000 gp.

 

Jornal: Spellhold. Imoen is raving mad and for once does not try to join the party. That's how I like it! Oh, Tymora, I owe you a donation.

 

Irenicus: Not so fast! Did not you know that Imoen is your sister?

 

PC: Will it *ever* end?! At least I most definitely did not fall in love with her.... Unless I am to be told that I did?

 

Irenicus: No, no, the only love affair you are having is with Anomen.

 

Bodhi: Ooooh, groovy! I'm gonna use it, you'll see, brother.

 

PC: Anomen? The tall jerk in shiny armor? Yeah, I guess, I am supposed to be in love with him. Bodhi, can you do something evil to him right now? And let me watch?

 

Journal: By unexplained reasons that highly inventive and super-powerful villain, Irenicus, waited for me to show up in Spellhold in time for his blood-chilling experiments that ensure the continuation of his own life. A laid-back bugger! I would have done something more substantial than hoping the subject comes on her own if *my* life was at stake.

 

Journal: Inconcievable! The emotion deprived Irenicus flightily decided that taking my soul is enough bother, so cutting my aorta while I was helpless under his knife was too time-consuming and outright unnecessary. He said I would never catch him anyway to take my soul back. Is that like a dare or something? Or gross incompetence? Stupidity before conspiracy, as they say.

 

Journal: (Sigh) Imoen is not in the raving lunatic state any longer. She wants to join the party (what else is new?), and insists she is my best friend. Again.

 

PC: Am I the only person with a drop of sanity left?

 

Journal: Just how many times I am supposed to kill Irenicus?! This better be the last one.

 

PC: Damn! No! Not again!

 

At least Imoen is securely locked away in Copper Coronet; I hope it's for good. It helps to build good working relationships with freed slaves. I hope she still remembers how to wash dishes, because there is no way in the Nine Hells she's gonna catch up with me again.

 

Fate Spirit: Shall I summon Imoen, a thief-mage?

 

PC: That's it. I am editing FATESP.DLG !!!!

 

Journal: Apparently I can't get out of the Pocket-Plane without help from my miraculously resurrected brother who totally fell apart a year ago. I think he's gonna ask me if he can join the party.

 

(Sigh) If only Kivan was that persistent.