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The best satire of the 'great arguments' BG style.

Domi

By Domi
in Fan Fiction

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Domi

Domi

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The story, by Clight, is posted here http://www.gamejag.net/index.php?name=PNph...ewtopic&t=78489 : and I'd recommend the story to anyone, who is interested in a self-ironic parody on Bhaal's saga.

 

I cannot resist posting an excerpt, because I think it is the smartest, the most hilareous and the most percise satire of those 'all-important' circular arguments that happen from time to time in internet communities:

 

Right, thought Nongory grimly, now that that's taken care of...

 

Going for a final appeal to reason, he said, to the approaching Saravok, "Are you sure you want to do this? Couldn't we talk about it?"

 

Saravok stopped. "Talk?"

 

"Yes, well..."

 

"All right. Hold it, boys."

 

"Huh?" Nongory managed to croak as the ogres lowered the clubs and Saravok sheathed his sword. He was utterly flabbergasted. He'd thought he understood Ballist thinking, but could it be that there was something else to it than drooling idiocy?

 

"We will have a debate on the merits of the situation instead," Saravok said. A fight would have been fun, but there were subtler and more thoroughly stupid ways. And Saravok had once been highly intelligent, before the time he started banging his head on the wall every morning to prepare for his divine role.

 

"Right," Nongory said, feeling more confident. Surely he, a learned sage, could outdo the reasoning of someone without half a brain.

 

Behind Saravok, Tamagotch smiled slightly. The old man obviously imagined intelligence could beat stupidity in an argument. This should be interesting.

 

 

Meanwhile, Abduh was roaming through the bush in a frenzied search, although by now he had forgotten what of.

 

 

Circling each other warily, Saravok and Nongory had already started their verbal sparring.

 

"I know what I'm doing," Saravok replied proudly to a question from Nongory. "I'm devoting my life to stupidity so that I can become its new god!"

 

"But do you think that's... ah... a worthwhile goal? Most people don't consider stupidity something worth aiming for," Nongory replied.

 

"Nonsense. Stupidity is divine."

 

"What makes you think that?"

 

"Balls was stupid. Balls was a god. Therefore, stupidity is what gods are all about. Therefore, stupidity is divine," Saravok said, with the air of one presenting a flawless logical deduction.

 

"But Balls was only one god. Surely you don't expect me to because of that think all gods are..."

 

"Of course not, don't be silly."

 

"Ah, good, now..."

 

"I can name other gods who are stupid. Rumpus** and Mauler*** are also stupid. Therefore, gods are stupid."

 

"But that's still only some gods, you haven't proven all gods are stupid."

 

"What are you blathering about?" Saravok asked angrily. "I've proven that gods are stupid. Some gods are stupid, therefore gods are stupid. I'm not generalizing or anything; it's just logic."

 

"But... but... I can name gods that certainly aren't stupid," Nongory tried. "For example, Cynic the Sane..."

 

"Aha!" Saravok said triumphantly. "Exception proves the rule!"

 

Nongory frowned. Like most people, he hadn't ever given that old saying much thought. "No it doesn't."

 

"Don't be stupid. Anyway, I don't see that it matters. Even if you refuse to see it, I've already proven that stupidity is divine."

 

"Oh? How have you done that?" Nongory tried to sound ironic, but a kind of terror was already beginning to constrict his throat.

 

Saravok sighed exasperatedly. "I told you, some gods are stupid, therefore..."

 

"Yes, but some of them being stupid doesn't prove they all are!"

 

"I didn't say that. I told you, I wasn't generalizing. But since Balls was stupid, and Rumpus is, and..."

 

"But that doesn't prove it! You're not making sense!" Nongory cried out desperately.

 

"I've proven it time and again," Saravok said sternly, "and all you can do is repeat the same thing over and over again. It's not my fault if you're so deluded that you're incapable of seeing how it logically must be."

 

Nongory stared at him, his mouth open. This was stupidity on a scale he had never before encountered. Somehow, inexplicably, he was losing the argument even though the other party didn't make an ounce of sense.

 

Little did he know that Saravok had been trained in the ancient arts of the Duh-Bringers, learning to counter even the most powerful argument by sheer dogged idiocy. Circular reasoning, non sequiturs, straw man tactics, even doublethink, he had mastered them all.

 

 

Back in the bushes, Abduh had remembered what he was looking for, but had forgotten where he was and was kind of puzzled.

 

 

The verbal battle raged on docilely. Nongory had tried a different approach and asked Saravok more about his goals, and upon hearing his answer asked if plunging the whole land into stupidity was really a good idea, and if Saravok shouldn't think of others besides himself.

 

"Of course it's a good idea. I have the best interests of the country in mind," Saravok announced.

 

"But, then, maybe this isn't what you should do..."

 

"What! It's for the best of the country! Why do you hate our country?"

 

"I was just suggesting something else might do better..."

 

"Yes, because you don't want our country to benefit! You hate our country!" Saravok roared.

 

"I don't- that's not what I- we don't even have a country- the Pointy Cliffs Coast is littered with independent towns and city-states- it's not really a country-" Nongory stammered, backing away from his anger.

 

"And you just had to bring that up, didn't you! You're just being mean to the place on purpose! We don't even have a country and you hate it!"

 

 

Meanwhile, Abduh had forgotten what he was looking for again, and this time he had also forgotten who he was. He decided to take a nap behind the bush.

 

 

Nongory was making his final desperate attempt, although he had the feeling he could not take much more of this.

 

"Shouldn't you reconsider- are you sure you've made the right choice? Is indulging stupidity really what you want? And what if you can't become a god that way anyway?"

 

"Ah, but in this I am much luckier than you," Saravok said sagely. "You see, human perception, reasoning and logic can be wrong - but stupidity is infallible. So you see, I just have to follow my inherent stupidity."

 

"Ah, but, many people who act stupidly would not make the same choices. How can they all be right at the same time?"

 

"The apparent differences must only hide a common truth."

 

"But..."

 

"I know I am right so my ad hoc assumptions must be more reliable than empirical observations."

 

"Do you think that's the logical thing to assume?"

 

"I am not concerned with logic. It is fallible. I am guided by my stupidity only."

 

"But just earlier you were arguing you must logically be right!"

 

"Don't try to use reason on me," Saravok replied. "I told you, reason and logic are irrelevant to me."

 

"How do you know stupidity is infallible, anyway?"

 

"My stupidity tells me so. And it's never wrong."

 

Nongory gritted his teeth desperately. "But," he said very quickly, "it might just as well be that stupidity is not infallible, that it can be wrong, and is, and that you only imagine you know it's infallible, but don't really, since your stupidity is then guiding you wrong since it isn't infallible but rather wrong. In that case you'd think just the same thing as you would now that you think that you're right - and, indeed, it is more likely that you are wrong about it than that stupidity is really infallible."

 

Saravok smiled serenely. "You're still trying to use logic on me. It's irrelevant. Logic can't prove stupidity wrong, because stupidity is infallible and logic isn't."

 

"NO!" Nongory cried, sinking to his knees and clutching his head. "No more! Your illogic hurts my mind!"

 

"See, Tamagotch?" Saravok said arrogantly. "Once again, my superior reasoning has reduced the opposition to tears. Try as they might, no-one can stand before my impeccable logic..."

 

"Aaaaargh!"

 

Unable to take it any more, Nongory leapt to his feet and hurled himself a Saravok, killing himself by impaling his chest on the large central spike jutting forward just above the symbol of Balls.

 

"I wish they didn't keep doing that," Tamagotch sniffed, "It's so messy."

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Domi

Domi

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Oh, this is classic. he so needs a separate webpage set up for this!

 

A true story was told of a farmer who had placed his privy over the old bottomless hole left behind by the invasion of dark creatures from the subterranean realm of Underdork. Conveniently enough, not only did the hole never become full, but a later invasion attempt by the drow also came to a rather embarrassing end.

 

And this is just a footnote!

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