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These are the only points I noted down. I don't remember there being any more, but there may have been. I'll probably have another look.


Missed coma:

Sherry - Your father told you I was looking for you, right?


Awkward wording:

Sammi - Maybe... maybe my reward for my work will come later, and much more shinier!


Awkward wording:

Strange Woman - He may not be the best company as you probably know

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Loren- Thank Ilmater! I will, of course, assist you in your own objectives...

I've been told that commas are used in english on rarer occasions than in russian so I might be wrong here, but it looks to me like the one I marked in red surely wouldn't harm.

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Ah, commas, bane of the writer's existence. No matter how many you use, it never seems to be enough... except when it's too much.


Webster's Grammar Dictionary isn't even much help when it comes to them, so your best bet is to go with what sounds natural. I won't venture an opinion because grammar isn't my forte.

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- From dialogue with Kelvin: "Nelson? I don't know a Nelson".

I was under impression that indefinite articles can't be used in conjunction with proper names, it kinda defies idea of indefiniteness :suspect:

Unless, of course, it's intentional to empfasise how much PC don't know Nelson :laugh:


- "Kelvin- Well, I lost the bet and, in the process, I also lost my ring."

IMO you should re-check commas here, either add red one or remove blue one.

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This part of Duke Anton's dialogue: "I've known he's been after me..." looks somewhat strange to me. Might I suggest "I knew..."?

Or perhaps it's pretty common expression I'm just not familiar with. :)


Also, it looks like there's double blank between "he's" and "been".

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