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Comments on DeadWinter Tidings


Domi

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I found the story very touching, and it reminded me the setting of my favorite Martin's scene where Sansa builds her snow castle. The theme of war hanging over the festival for Nalia, and Nalia growing into her role as the mistress of the castle are very well done. And of course Delainey's song sounds great in human tongue :)

 

My two nits are here:

 

Nalia saw that it was only Delainy, the werewolf’s autumn colored hair shining almost like burnished gold in the rays of the moon.

 

I think it's too much for one sentence.

 

And the second one - someone in the story I tripped over "mage/thief". My prefernce goes for not using game terminology.

 

Or, and did I mention how much I love skating?

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A wonderful little story with a great, bittersweet atmosphere. Touching, even. And Delainey seems to know some beautiful songs, too. Have to agree with Domi though, game terminology doesn't mix well with these kind of stories. (IMO, of course.)

 

Anyway, this is yet another of Bri's stories that makes me really believe Delainey is gonna be one helluva NPC! :)

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I found the story very touching, and it reminded me the setting of my favorite Martin's scene where Sansa builds her snow castle. The theme of war hanging over the festival for Nalia, and Nalia growing into her role as the mistress of the castle are very well done. And of course Delainey's song sounds great in human tongue :)

 

My two nits are here:

 

Nalia saw that it was only Delainy, the werewolf’s autumn colored hair shining almost like burnished gold in the rays of the moon.

 

I think it's too much for one sentence.

 

And the second one - someone in the story I tripped over "mage/thief". My prefernce goes for not using game terminology.

 

Or, and did I mention how much I love skating?

Indeed, that one sentence is a bit lengthy for its use. I will make a change. Same with mage/thief. You are right, it is very unwieldy.

 

And part of what I had developed for the story was the simple fact in the game is that Nalia's father was a Duke...and with his death, this makes Nalia a Duchess. Now, while Amnians are more interested in wealth than nobility, the fact is that they still have nobles, and a duke is the highest you can get (short of a king). So, this reinforces the fact that if Nalia is reduced to getting help from the Copper Coronet rather than her vassals, that implies disloyalty (or uncertainty) on their part whether to support her or

 

Also, I know that I also could prune most of the "saids, replies," etc which make it redundant, and by doing so could make it flow easier. Heh, as mentioned, this is the first major work in a while.

 

Heh, and I like ice skating myself ;-)

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A wonderful little story with a great, bittersweet atmosphere. Touching, even. And Delainey seems to know some beautiful songs, too. Have to agree with Domi though, game terminology doesn't mix well with these kind of stories. (IMO, of course.)

 

Anyway, this is yet another of Bri's stories that makes me really believe Delainey is gonna be one helluva NPC!    :)

I agree that game terms don't mix very well. This is the first time in a long time I did such a thing.

 

But anyways, this is the first time in a long time I had something written this long, and could still stand to be polished some.

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