thunderrolls Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Meet Tehana. This is the intro for her, with charname's expected response. There will be other possible responses, of course, but for brevity I left those out. Please tell me what you think of the dialogue. --------------------------------- “You!†“I would have words with you. I am Tehana, a wonderer who seeks your help and in return can help you. Do not turn from me before you hear my words for I can help you more than you can imagine.†Charname: “All right. What is it you want?†“I want a lot, but currently my wish is for you to help me find an artifact that is being held here within Amn.†Charname: “I see. And what do I get in return? Are you offering mere gold or something more?†A soft smile finds Tehana’s beautiful lips, and her eyes glimmer. “The tithe I offer is something more: something much, much more. Before, however, you here my proposal you should know the tapestry draping behind it. “In my land, some time ago, my family and I were visited by a woman named Melissan. Her mission has been to protect Bhaalspawn, like you. Don’t ask me how I know what you are; it isn’t that hard to tell for someone with eyes. “She offered me a task in the city of Saradush so that I might aide her in her quest to help others of your kind. A great number of your blood has she brought there for protection from the rising paranoia of the public. Such is what she had explained to me and my family. “My…husband,†as she speaks of him her face now turns a crimson red. “Thought it best that I go there…for…for the reward she offered. At the time…†she exhales, pausing for a brief moment to wipe away a tear. “I concurred. But I learned the truth behind everything. “There are prophecies, Bhaalspawn, hidden prophecies of which few know that reveal who the next Lord of Murder truly is. These prophecies…they were revealed to me by an elder, an ancient who ignorantly invited me, the devil, to share his home so that I might have a roof over my head and food to eat. He did this freely; without requiring anything in return. I doubt you are of the same giving fold, which is why I’m willing to offer you something priceless. “Only time will unravel the mystery regarding whether you are intelligent enough to accept. “The prophecies the Elder showed me spoke of only one who bears the birthmark; ‘tis a symbol of the powerful divinity that courses through their veins. I won’t…I can’t tell you that symbol, or who wears it. Nor can I speak the man’s name who gave his life up for me. Best to leave it that Gromnir saw to it that the Elder would never show the prophecies nor escape Saradush when I failed upon my promise to deliver him the parchment. “Gromnir, the bastard was mad as a hatter, and is a fellow Bhaalspawn. He…he burned the elder when the elder would not give up his prophecies, burned him and all that the ancient possessed. I barely escaped with my life, and now I head home, home to care for my child, and to slay the man I’ve loved for many years. The artifact, the weapon you will help me obtain is like fire to the ice that has solidified within his cold heart.†Charname: “I see. You’ve a way with words, Tehana. May I ask what this weapon is you seek?†“Of course, you might, and I might reply it is the sword of Torm; that which fell Bane during the Time of Troubles. ‘Tis a powerful sword, Bhaalspawn, and for this killing I’ll need a VERY powerful sword. I’ll need one whose blade is keen, one whose blade has been dipped in magic and wrought by the hand of a god.. “Prick your ears, Gorion’s Ward, for once you hear my proposal my words shall fall upon this matter no more. There will be no responses that pass my lips to queries regarding my husband or our offspring. “I will help you for as long as you help me possess the artifact I seek. I am of no small ability, I assure you. “Once that artifact is under the tight grip of my clenched hand, I will head to my home nestled in the arms of the Dragon Coast. I will leave you to your toils…toils through which I hope you succeed because the prophecies spoke of you, as well. You see, by the time the path you’ve chosen leads you to Saradush, you will be the last chance to stop the oncoming slaughter that is brewing there. “In return for your troubles of aiding me, for this will be no easy task, I will offer you something that no other can. I will offer you what the prophecies spoke of you and Imoen. That information could later save both of your lives if not your immortal souls. “But make no mistake, Bhaalspawn. Whatever shall transpire between us, should we become friends, should we become lovers and fall steadfast in love, I will be leaving come the time for me to do so.†Link to comment
Andyr Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 In the first sentence it should be 'wanderer'. Also, where's the portrait from? NWN? Link to comment
Domi Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 The generously bosomed portrait has an NWN look to it, lol and the style is 'direct import from PST'. Charname barely have a chance to put a line in between the woman's lecturing. The story is wordy and not extremely clear - too many characters, explanations wander back and forth (ie you introduce Gromnir by name, and then in the next paragraph explain who he is, repeating what he had done to some mysterious elder, the woman's husband and child got mixed in, she calls herself a devil - basically it is a bit too much for an introduction (all without a chance for PC to grip on it and ask about the details) I think if you break down her backstory into a number of talks well-laced with Charname's options other than "Wow, you are great, woman!" that would be better than trying to stuff the whole of backstory into the first meeting monologue Also the PST style descriptions have a flavor of writen for a male PC (as is the portrait) Link to comment
thunderrolls Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 The generously bosomed portrait has an NWN look to it, lol and the style is 'direct import from PST'. Charname barely have a chance to put a line in between the woman's lecturing. The story is wordy and not extremely clear - too many characters, explanations wander back and forth (ie you introduce Gromnir by name, and then in the next paragraph explain who he is, repeating what he had done to some mysterious elder, the woman's husband and child got mixed in, she calls herself a devil - basically it is a bit too much for an introduction (all without a chance for PC to grip on it and ask about the details) I think if you break down her backstory into a number of talks well-laced with Charname's options other than "Wow, you are great, woman!" that would be better than trying to stuff the whole of backstory into the first meeting monologue Also the PST style descriptions have a flavor of writen for a male PC (as is the portrait) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> This is but a rough draft. My writing style is to deliver the rough draft in what is basically a dump, then rework each aspect and break it into conversations that are far less one sided, and more entertaining for the end user. Ah, I probably should have explained that but I overlooked it in an attempt to garner opinions like the ones you've left. Thank you for pointing out it the flavor it has. I hadn't noticed that, and will work on that. The portrait is from NWN. Few things worthy came from that game but I do like some of the portraits. The one you see here is temporary until I can either make or get a custom one made. I used this one because the custom portrait will be in the same vein, and wanted to provide a visual with the dialogue. By the way, is PST Planescape: Torment? Oddly enough, I've never played it. Link to comment
Hendryk Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Uh...is the lady pathologically honest? Or does she not know, or not care, what sort of first impression she's making? You mention the sword's being in Amn, which to me means SoA; probably early on like the other joinables. Under those circumstances, if my PC has just escaped from Irenicus, meeting another character who not only seems to know as much as I do about my past but who seeks to lead me on with cryptic hints about my inevitable destiny - well, such an NPC would overstrain the charity of the most generous-minded paladin I've ever played, that's for sure. As for some of my Evil PCs, her probable fate with them doesn't bear repeating in a public forum. At a minimum, they'd intend to have the sword, her prophecy and anything else she knows or owns of value. Several of them have sense enough not to tell her so, either. Not until they got a chance to interrogate her properly at the first secluded rest stop, anyway. Without knowing more of your plot, I can't say whether Tehana would or should know all she mentions yet but might she know something about Irenicus too? If she did, she might hint (truly or falsely) that she was the contact person who tipped him off to the PC's heritage. It's always bugged me that there is no explanation for the recluse, Irenicus, knowing so much about the PC and she could claim that he stiffed her on their bargain so she's after him now, too. As for how she knew, she probably ought to say that the PC's parentage was common gossip around Baldur's Gate - as a result of Sarevok's diary having been read by a blabbermouth servant maybe. Or, if involving ol' Jon would be too cumbersome, she could simply mention her sage/mentor but restrict herself to saying that the conflict between Sarevok and the PC showed all the classic signs of being the first conflict among the Bhaalspawn, so following her master's death, she went there to learn more if she could. Or whatever. The point being that, at first meeting, she ought to restrict herself to what could be at least semi-public knowledge about the PC's past and give some reason from that past for her being involved in the present. That should be enough to hook the PC (and the player) without requiring that she immediately produce the backstory for half the bosses from ToB. That's all stuff the PC would never have heard of yet and, compared to Irenicus, probably wouldn't be much impressed by at the moment. Link to comment
thunderrolls Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Uh...is the lady pathologically honest? Or does she not know, or not care, what sort of first impression she's making? You mention the sword's being in Amn, which to me means SoA; probably early on like the other joinables. Under those circumstances, if my PC has just escaped from Irenicus, meeting another character who not only seems to know as much as I do about my past but who seeks to lead me on with cryptic hints about my inevitable destiny - well, such an NPC would overstrain the charity of the most generous-minded paladin I've ever played, that's for sure. As for some of my Evil PCs, her probable fate with them doesn't bear repeating in a public forum. At a minimum, they'd intend to have the sword, her prophecy and anything else she knows or owns of value. Several of them have sense enough not to tell her so, either. Not until they got a chance to interrogate her properly at the first secluded rest stop, anyway. Without knowing more of your plot, I can't say whether Tehana would or should know all she mentions yet but might she know something about Irenicus too? If she did, she might hint (truly or falsely) that she was the contact person who tipped him off to the PC's heritage. It's always bugged me that there is no explanation for the recluse, Irenicus, knowing so much about the PC and she could claim that he stiffed her on their bargain so she's after him now, too. As for how she knew, she probably ought to say that the PC's parentage was common gossip around Baldur's Gate - as a result of Sarevok's diary having been read by a blabbermouth servant maybe. Or, if involving ol' Jon would be too cumbersome, she could simply mention her sage/mentor but restrict herself to saying that the conflict between Sarevok and the PC showed all the classic signs of being the first conflict among the Bhaalspawn, so following her master's death, she went there to learn more if she could. Or whatever. The point being that, at first meeting, she ought to restrict herself to what could be at least semi-public knowledge about the PC's past and give some reason from that past for her being involved in the present. That should be enough to hook the PC (and the player) without requiring that she immediately produce the backstory for half the bosses from ToB. That's all stuff the PC would never have heard of yet and, compared to Irenicus, probably wouldn't be much impressed by at the moment. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Damn, thank you! That bit about involving Irenicus I hadn't even considered. Talk about missing the obvious...there never has been an explanation for that. It would fit perfectly here! See, I was really struggling with that part...how to hook the PC without giving away too much at her own peril, or disinteresting the PC with tidbits of knowledge they knew nothing of. I can't believe I overlooked that, and man, do I owe you! Ya gotta love forums! Link to comment
Hendryk Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Glad it worked for you. I hope you feel able to post what you make of it. Link to comment
thunderrolls Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Glad it worked for you. I hope you feel able to post what you make of it. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I certainly will, and look forward to more feedback. Link to comment
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