Comments on His World or Mine Challenge

[Domi]

That was something else entirely, Cliffette. I liked the story and the premise very much, but I was not entirely clear on the role and the punishment of the elder student. My guess was that the Teachers considered him to be too immature to accept the truth, but I am not entirely positive. But that was a great read!

[BigRob]

Very nice story Cliffette. The setting was obviously modern, but with the elements of a different time in the old school and the demians. Well written and lots of good descriptive stuff without being excessive. The ending was a bit quick, but it fit with the nature of the incident, so it wasn't a big problem.

[cliffette]

Domi: Re the punishment of Gerald, that was pretty much the idea... I just needed some reason for Gerald to still be partially annoying.

 

BigRob: *phew!* Got away with it!

 

Thanks fellas!

[Domi]

You know, maybe one more question - As far as I understood, the demians were the females of the same species, that by some reason evolved separately from the males. Am I right?

[cliffette]

Kind of - it's a society where the men and women have split so long ago that the men no longer think of the women as women. At least this particular group of men doesn't. I assume that there are some wild men out there who have fathered the children the women are producing.

 

 

PS- I'm looking forward to the second story from you guys!

[Domi]

That's what I thought, though I did not went as far, as imagining the wild men - I was sort of puzzled with the procreation part, but now it falls into place. This is a very, very, very neat idea Cliffette.

[cliffette]

About "The Value of Discretion",

 

First - AKLON!!!!!!!!!!!

Second - I really liked the rest of the characters and the story and ... everything in general. The fact that the dynamic between Torae and Nolis reminds me of my favourite couple in the history of chinese tv is only a plus.

[Kulyok]

I'd like to comment on FR story "The Value of Discretion".

 

Well, first, I read it to the end, and I am not sorry I did, which is very rare for me, given that this story is not based on the events of Baldur's Gate I. (That was a clumsy compliment of sorts - the best I can do, I'm afraid. )

 

I did like the way you weaved the quest with this mercenary group. However, still it came to be out of the blue, all of a sudden. I think it would look better if, for example, the temporary city they set their tents in was bustling with rumours of Lady Inrebella Winterspring's weddings, or matters of heritage in the said family - that would get the heroes even more excited, and would pull the reader(me, in this case) even deeper to the story.

 

I could not help but enjoy the scene with Eeeeevil proposal - it was very alive for me, as well as the appearance of the real Priest on the stage. I confess, my sympathies lay with this side, as they were, in my opinion, much better written and had more depth than the hero characters.

 

Perhaps the reason for it was that you have other stories about Aklon and his friends, and I simply did not read them? I am afraid that with exception of Torae, members of Aklon's group invoked neither like nor dislike in me.

 

With Torae, it was different, because that wonderful little scene with the merchant made her come alive, and invoked feelings for her in me. (It was intense dislike, due to my ethics, but never mind. ) I think it could improve the story, if every member of the party could shine in such a way, albeit a little. Or, perhaps, it would be easier for me to feel sympathy for them if there were fewer characters on the mainstage.

 

Please, note that these all are only mine thoughts, and my opinion, and I am only one reader. I am sure many others enjoyed and loved all your characters.

 

I think your grammar was very good. I, for one, did not notice any obvious typos - nothing jumped at me, but then again, I am a fast reader. However, I think there were quite a few problems with punctuation. You may want to give a story another go at proofreading.

[BigRob]

@ Cliffette: Thanks for the comments, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. And the little taste of Aklon. I'm quite happy with how much of Nolis and Torae's relationship I managed to picture in 5200 words. It was tricky, but it sums them up as a couple quite nicely.

 

 

@Kulyok: I'm glad you enjoyed the story too, despite it's problems. I think the main thing is that I got too ambitious in trying to do a story with what amounts to four main characters in 5000 words (there's me complaining about that limit again) and I ended up doing what I did in the last story: introducing characters and then not giving them full development.

 

In deference to that, the story was more or less about Torae, despite the fact that it's Nolis who undergoes an actual bit of character development. At least she was well developed enough to provoke a reaction, even if it was dislike. But then, Torae is not a very nice person. She's selfish, greedy and lazy and I see I got that through.

 

And no, I haven't written any stories for them before, save what Aklon has to say about them in his force-talk options. Which is a bit unfair, because I know the characters, but the reader doesn't get much chance to, Torae excepted. Aklon I did leave very vague on purpose. His day will come soon.

 

I'm surprised you thought that the "bad guys" in the story were well developed... I actually thought I'd done very poorly with them, save what I had to do to make the plot make sense. I guess that shows their motives more clearly than the "heroes" though.

 

One last thing... the punctuation. I've been through the story again and I don't see any problems with it myself. Unless it's my heavy use of commas, or the junctions between speech and description (which writing for Aklon has ruined me for), but neither of those looks too bad from where I sit. If you could point some of the problems out to me, I'd be grateful.

[Kulyok]

@BigRob: Of course, it's not a problem. I'll just show some examples. (Wish I could do the full proofreading for you, but as it's my last day at work before the vacation, I'm veeeery busy. )

 

*preachy tone warning*

 

Very first sentence: "Gods Nolis, what were you thinking?"

The hero addresses Nolis - and there is an iron-clad rule that every addressing is surrounded by commas.

 

Another example is "No, that’s not what I meant Torae, please-"

 

And so on.

 

Another problem is direct speech. Here is an example:

“Hmmm. Nolis, I think. Torae seems rather... upset. There is no way that she will be making that journey tonight.†Replied the tall man without looking up from the saddle he was repairing.

 

As you are not starting a real new sentence after the direct speach, it should be "...journey tonight," replied the tall man...

 

"Separation of two sentences" rule: "Of course, she didn’t buy anything, for Nolis was right and they really couldn’t spare the money, but it was fun to just look at all the wonderful things at the huge fair."

 

Nolis was right - one sentence

they couldn't spare - another sentence

=> conjunction, "and", is not enough, and a comma is needed, as well.

 

"Redundant words" rule - "We are getting short of money after all.â€Â" - 'after all' is a non-essential component, so a comma is needed to separate it from the rest of a sentence.

 

That pretty much covers it, I think.

[Bri]

Hi, just got around to reading your stories Cliffette, and as usual, I was very entertained by your writings.

[BigRob]

@BigRob: Of course, it's not a problem. I'll just show some examples. (Wish I could do the full proofreading for you, but as it's my last day at work before the vacation, I'm veeeery busy. )

I can understand that. Thanks for the examples.

 

These were rules which I was previously unaware of, or applying incorrectly (which is why I didn't see them). The majority of the writing I do is technical and speech is not usually part of it.

 

 

"Separation of two sentences" rule: "Of course, she didn’t buy anything, for Nolis was right and they really couldn’t spare the money, but it was fun to just look at all the wonderful things at the huge fair."

Except that one, which I ignored.

[Domi]

Hi Rob, finally had time to finish the story. I truly enjoyed the piece. While I liked the work on the characters - I could see them as distinctive entities - one thing that annoyed me a tad was that the bracers were not tied in with the rest of the story, after all the time spend on describing the theft. The villains though were well chosen and unusual. I also appreciated the joke that both opened and ended the story. Thank you for writting and posting!

[BigRob]

Thanks for reading Domi, glad you liked it.

 

I'm pleased that all the characters came out well and that the villains seemed to fit well, even with all the deliberate leaving out of information I did. I would have liked to have had Torae present the bracers to Nolis, but alas, that word limit again (alright, so I was over a little bit). 5000 words seems a hell of a lot smaller than it did when I was in high school.

[Domi]

*Does a happy dance* I finished the challenge! Woo-hoo!

 

Great thanks to Kulyok for beta-reading it for me Luckily it is short!

 

I have to say that an original story proved far more difficult for me: I swear it's the fourth entirely different story I started. And then, I still cheated - it is not exactly a story, it is pretty much a setting description and character introduction. The plot is missing in action. In a way, it is also a tribuite to Kay's Tigana, with its riselkas and Avalle of the Towers.