Bri Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 You May Be In the Midwest if... Those raised on the Coasts sometimes accidentally find themselves actually inside states like Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, and the Dakotas. The Tourism Councils of those states have developed the following information to help these outsiders understand the Midwest. The farm boy standing beside that feed bin burned more calories before breakfast this morning than you did at the gym all last week. This is called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, your Navigator is going to get dusty. We buy four-wheel drives because we need it. Drive it or park it on the blacktop. We've all been hunting and fishing since we were seven years old. Yes, we saw Bambi. We got over it. You should too. Any references to "corn-fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women. Sure; go ahead; use that $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't whine when a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you like to fish for: bait. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. Better hope it's not in your shirt pocket at the time. Yep, whiskey costs two bucks. We buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for a shot. Nope, there's nothing "Vegetarian" on the menu. Order steak. Rare. Or, order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. You may bring Coke into my house but it had better be capitalized and liquid. We're not impressed when you brag about your sixty thousand-dollar car that you drive only on weekends. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we only use two weeks a year. Get this straight: we have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. Sometimes we even stop when it's yellow. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. You're a feminist? Cute. Yeah, we eat catfish. And carp, too. And turtle. You want sushi and caviar? It's sold at The Bait Shop. They're pigs. That's how a pig smells. Get over it. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church. Yeah, every person in every pickup waves. It's called "being friendly." Get it? We have golf courses; just don't hit your ball into a water hazard. It spooks the fish. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot ... his name is, "Sir" ... no matter how old he is. Don't like any of this? Interstates 70, 80 & 90 all go two ways and Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly. Link to comment
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