Bri Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 You May Be In the Midwest if... Those raised on the Coasts sometimes accidentally find themselves actually inside states like Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, and the Dakotas. The Tourism Councils of those states have developed the following information to help these outsiders understand the Midwest. The farm boy standing beside that feed bin burned more calories before breakfast this morning than you did at the gym all last week. This is called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, your Navigator is going to get dusty. We buy four-wheel drives because we need it. Drive it or park it on the blacktop. We've all been hunting and fishing since we were seven years old. Yes, we saw Bambi. We got over it. You should too. Any references to "corn-fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women. Sure; go ahead; use that $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't whine when a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you like to fish for: bait. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. Better hope it's not in your shirt pocket at the time. Yep, whiskey costs two bucks. We buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for a shot. Nope, there's nothing "Vegetarian" on the menu. Order steak. Rare. Or, order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. You may bring Coke into my house but it had better be capitalized and liquid. We're not impressed when you brag about your sixty thousand-dollar car that you drive only on weekends. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we only use two weeks a year. Get this straight: we have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. Sometimes we even stop when it's yellow. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. You're a feminist? Cute. Yeah, we eat catfish. And carp, too. And turtle. You want sushi and caviar? It's sold at The Bait Shop. They're pigs. That's how a pig smells. Get over it. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church. Yeah, every person in every pickup waves. It's called "being friendly." Get it? We have golf courses; just don't hit your ball into a water hazard. It spooks the fish. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot ... his name is, "Sir" ... no matter how old he is. Don't like any of this? Interstates 70, 80 & 90 all go two ways and Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly. Link to comment
g'lain Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 Truer words were never more spoken... Went to college in Iowa... and yes, they go cow tipping.  Link to comment
CamDawg Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Grew up on a farm in Northern California... yes, I've been cow-tipping, too. Link to comment
g'lain Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 So the sport of cow-tipping isn't just for those in the midwest...? Now I have to ask... what do people on the west coast call carbonated drinks? Link to comment
CamDawg Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Cow-tipping is for anyone who lives an a there-is-nothing-to-do-within-a-50-mile-radius area. Similar to such fine activites as mailbox baseball, iceblocking, canal water-skiing, toilet papering, lawn-forking, etc.--nothing worse then inventive, restless teenagers. Not that I ever did such things, of course. For carbonated beverages, I usually use the brand name or "soda." Link to comment
g'lain Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 Mailbox baseball...! Now that brings back... *ahem* Sorry, got distracted for a sec... Lawn-forking? That's a new one on me... See, for those that haven't heard this one, in the South they call carbonated drinks coke. Doesn't matter what type... they are all called cokes. Link to comment
CamDawg Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Ah, the fine art of lawn-forking: works best in areas that have very cold, morning frost. You stick metal forks in someone's lawn at night, and then they get frozen into the ground overnight. Very difficult to remove without breaking the forks or pulling up chunks of lawn. All second-hand information, of course. Link to comment
g'lain Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 Now that is funny!!!!  Too bad I didn't have this info in college... I can just imagine people stealing forks from food service and sticking them in the ground in the commons area. That's almost as funny as waiting for the ice polishers to sweep the sidewalks and watching people fall on their arse on the way to class.  Link to comment
Bri Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Heh...I'm just glad to see that it wasn't just me that recognized much of this stuff. I know someone who said, "You can't trust someone from a place where the principal geographic feature is the horizon..." Link to comment
Userunfriendly Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Grew up on a farm in Northern California... yes, I've been cow-tipping, too. Ok, how exactly does cow tipping work??? when i went to college in santa cruz, (yes i was a fighting banana slug) i saw some cows in the medows and wanted to go with some friends cow tipping, but they thought it was too geeky...(my computer science friends... ) so how exactly do you tip a cow??? and is the cow mad??? details please will help a story i might write in the future about Jan and his friends going griffin tipping... Link to comment
Stinky_ogre Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Despite living in Iowa, I have no idea how to tip a cow. In fact, I don't see many cows on the way to my Grandma's (half way across the state). I guess people are too busy making meth or something. Link to comment
g'lain Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 Despite living in Iowa, I have no idea how to tip a cow. In fact, I don't see many cows on the way to my Grandma's (half way across the state). I guess people are too busy making meth or something. Or NOT harvesting the pot that grows wild on the side of the roads... Link to comment
CamDawg Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Well, cow-tipping can actually be dangerous for the cow. If I knew that then, I never would have done it. I love animals. Cows can fall asleep standing up. So really it's just a matter of finding an upright, sleeping cow and pushing really hard. The fall over, wake up, and are not happy. Sometimes you get chased, sometimes the cow runs away. Why is this fun? Because there is nothing else to do and you're usually drunk. Link to comment
Bri Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Heh, its especially fun when the farmer comes out with a shotgun I swear dad mentally scarred more boys that way... Link to comment
Userunfriendly Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 now how would i write a story about jan going griffin tipping....hmm... well, its good to know about the details...griffin tipping would actually be more of something that happens in a jan story, as a plot device, rather than being the central theme of a jan story...thanks all!!! Link to comment
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