A half dragon tale V5: Sheena

[Sikret]

BWL is active again.   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

What's that mean?

 

BalckWyrmLair site was down for a few days, but the problem (whatever it was) seems to be solved and the forums are active again there.

 

The problem was referred to (in previous posts) in this thread. That's why I sent the news here.

[Troll]

Thanks. While you're online, could you read what I just posted about Larok and tell me what you think? Thanks.

[Red Knight]

Actually, a non-native editor is fine, too, it's just I had been afraid somebody'd ask *me* for help back then.

 

And asking for specific help(especially if somebody is offering to help) is not giving up at all. It is learning. If not for my editors, I'd never have learnt that "hair" is not plural in English, that they say "in the least" instead of "at the least", and my use of articles would have been abysmal. Well... more abysmal than now.

 

It's up to you, of course. Either you want your mod to be good... or you don't.

 

I think I still very much want to polish it up myself at this time. Maybe it doesn't make much sense but I am very persistent in my mistakes.

 

 

What's that mean? Anyway, sorry Red Knight, I never meant to offend you, just making suggestions, and giving myself a an excuse to write Firkraag dialogue. Having said that, what did everyone think of it?

 

A flamboyant Firkraag but I did not recognize Sheena's personality, past, characterization... Thanks for pointing out the grammar in this early text (the first one I wrote). I'm trying hard to rectify using my own style even if it won't be as eloquent, at least, some of the phrasing will hopefully make more sense.

 

Eg:

-If I am to receive a warm welcome (never liked it), Lord Jierdan, then why have your goons drag (ged) me here chained and gagged?

-Before I start feeling I'm warmly welcomed Lord Jierdan, first explain why your goons dragged me here chained and gagged?

 

Or something along these lines...because still not 100% happy with it.

 

 

Red Knight: Troll couldn't have plagiarized "your" idea, since it wasn't yours to start with. I had a half-dragon daughter of Firkraag several years ago as part of a fanfic called "Firkraag's Tale" (currently off-line, but I keep meaning to finish it off and repost it), and I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person who came up with the idea either.

 

I meant the ideas in my dialogue, and every line rewritten in his own style, and not the general idea behind Firkraag's daughter.

I also know the idea popped up before, since on my very first post someone replied: Ah! Finally, someone is going ahead with the idea (or something like that).

[SimDing0]

I therefore wonder who gave you the right to plagiarize my own ideas without my approval?

This reminds me vaguely of the time long ago when I proposed some writing changes to Neriana--I later learned this resulted in her frothing to the point where she couldn't actually tell me she was frothing. While, okay, you might not be happy with the changes, I suggest that screaming accusations of plagiarism is not the ideal response.

[Domi]

I wrote this NPC because I have free offline time. I wanted a half dragon in my party and none was available, and no one was working on one. Once I've wrote it and played it, I thought I'd share it. Some of my later work contains less problems (grammar and phrasing), or so I naively believe.

 

I think that deep down most of us, ESLs, are very touchy when it comes to our ability to speak or write English. In a way it is a handycap, and I do wish that people were a tad more polite than just laughing and pointing, and saying to the author pretty much the "You are an idiot, see, I can do it right in two seconds," by posting the corrected version of something you might have been sweating on for hours publically.

 

On another hand, as a person who publishes a work - and modding is publishing - I think it is every author's responcibility to make it as error-free as possible. If it takes three, four, five edits, both by native and non-native speakers, let it be so. For language, grammar, better expressions, better BioWARE speech structure, what have you. The important thing is that it works in the language in which it is intended to be read. In English. There is just no other way. It's not a matter of "fame". It's a matter of due diligence.

 

And let me say you immediately: you will definetly not improve your language skill if nobody points out to you the errors you are making. Trust me. You will just "persist in your errors".

 

Only when I started seeing the feedback from my proofreaders I realized just how bad my problems with the past tenses confusion and tenses coordination were. Some persistent problems I was able to correct or at least not to repeat indefinetly after they were pointed out to me. I had a sticker for the longest time on my machine that gave me the definitions of "thEn" vs "thAn" until checking each and every occurence became an authomatic thing for me. As for tenses and articles, I don't think I will ever be able to trust myself to get them right. I will always want a native person working with me on that.

 

Another important thing that another reader brings is the new prespective and ideas. I don't know just how many times I added options or wrote dialogues based on the suggestions from the noble souls who took time to read through my texts. I am a happier and luckier person for having that opportunity.

 

While I understand difficulties involved with not having enough on-line time, I think that having a forum, having open ways of communication is a time-saving wonderdevice. Yep, such stubborn souls like I, check people's posts, respond to the correspondence and troubleshoot on the ASAP basis. However, I do it fully realizing that it can be done on a weekly basis instead. The forum does a world of good. You can see which ideas did not attracted interest and can be safely burried. And which caused open revulsion. Which points in the mod caused confusion. You get comprehensive bug report threads that can be separated, managed and referenced to, and if needed moved to the protected fora for further consideration.

 

Forums also help recruiting people who are willing and capable of helping. And that help, that participation will save you time, and in the long run will allow you to release the project of the best possible quality which will require less ajustments/corrections/remakes after the release. And this is priceless.

[NiGHTMARE]

And let me say you immediately: you will definetly not improve your language skill if nobody points out to you the errors you are making. Trust me. You will just "persist in your errors".

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Case in point: a French fellow on another forum had apparently been using "he" and "she" in place of it (e.g. "you know that Baldur's Gate? He is a great game") for years, and all it took was me pointing out that the English language doesn't use gender in this way for him to realize .

[Red Knight]

Domi, your first paragraph sums up well my own feelings.

 

 

I have painstakingly revised the first opening scene and posted it under the original text on page 1.

 

There are still some lines which are displeasing me but after three hours and having edited barely twenty lines, twisting them around again and again, well, I've had...enough. I'm not quite sure my will can go through this with the remaining 1,480 lines or so. I'll simply admit that this is as far as I can go, and that any help would be a relief.

 

First, if someone could *please* take a look at the revised text, and tell me where I'm still erring, I will be grateful of your assistance.

 

Also and if someone with good knowledge of English grammar is willing to take some time, reading my texts, pointing out my common mistakes and how I can correct them, that would be simply great. At least, it would enable me to work much faster on the edition.

 

Yesterday, I typed grammar on google...found something but holy-smoke this looks like the most boring thing I've ever had to learn. Anyway, in one of the exercices I found the following:

Quote: "Correction by others is hard to take. To take is an adverb infinitive modifying the predicate adjective hard. "

I thought, yes, that first sentence makes much sense. The second sentence still remains clear as mud.

[Grim Squeaker]

Okay, I'll have a crack at it:

 

@100 = ~I welcome you Sheena. My spies have been scouting vast lands for over two years, and I was starting to despair of never meeting you.~

'Scouting vast lands for over two years' is a slightly odd way of putting it. I understand that Firkragg likes to use curious language but its still doesn't quite flow. I'd go with 'My spies have searching the lands for over two years'. 'despair of never meeting you' is just a slightly misuse of words. He needs to dispair at something rather than of something. So 'depair at the thought of never meeting you' works fine.

 

@101 = ~Before I start feeling I'm warmly welcomed Lord Jierdan, first explain why your goons dragged me here chained and gagged?~

Actually I think the original line was slightly better. 'warmly welcomed' is an odd phrase as despite the fact the English works fine. 'a warm welcome' is just a phrase and if you start rearranging it to change the tense then it doesn't sound quite right. I'd go with 'if you wished to give me a warm welcome, Lord Jierdan, explain to me why your goons dragged me here gagged and in chains?'.

 

@102 = ~Forgive my careless servants, I had asked Conster to bring you here as my guest, and certainly not to molest you. Rest assured, I shall deal with it later.~

Molest sounds a bit... dubius. Personally I'd go with 'Please, forgive my carless servants. Conster was told to bring you here as a guest, not as a prisoner. Rest assured, he shall be dealt with later.'

 

@103 = ~My Lord, she wouldn’t listen to reason, and we lost four orogs in our attempt to safely bind her.~

That's fine.

 

@104 = ~She appears unscathed. You are excused Conster. As for you Sheena, let me explain the reason of your coming. Ever since your mother's death and hearing of *a daughter* attending her funeral, I have been looking for you relentlessly.~

'reason for your coming' again sounds like some sort of sex education course. So I'd go with 'let me explain the reason I brought you here'. I'd also go with 'Ever since your mother's death and words reaching my ears of a *daughter* attending her funeral, I have been searching for you'

 

@105 = ~But…Why?~

'But... why?' No capital letter as its the same sentence.

 

@106 = ~A long time ago, I had a little fling with your mother. It lasted only briefly and I truly never expected a child would result from our union. I left her *unaware* of the heritage growing in her womb.~

'A little fling' is not the sort of words a dragon would use. I'd go with 'Long ago, I met your mother. Our relationship lasted only briefly and I never expected a child would result from our brief liaison.' 'heritage growing in her womb' doesn't really make sense given the context that the world heritage can be used in. I'd use 'She remained unaware of my true nature and therefore of what was growing inside her'.

 

@107 = ~You wouldn’t suggest I am your…~

'So you are suggesting that I am your...'

 

@108 = ~Daughter? Ah yes! Humans are prompt to conceal and deceive. Your mother's lies about your father probably comprised my premature death at the hand of some evil foe. By now, you should have guessed your father was not human.~

'Daughter? I do not merely suggest it, I know it. I'm sure your mother lied to you from birth saying that I was a simple man who had died at the hand of some evil foe. Bandits or the like. By now, you should have seen through your mother's deception and realised that your father was not human.'

 

@109 = ~Your words are poison. Let my mother rest in peace, she was a fine woman.~

Thats fine.

 

@110 = ~Your mother was pathetic, as are all humans. Let go of that wretched human part of yours, it shall only bring you pain and death.~

'it will' instead of 'it shall'.

 

@111 = ~If you *so* despise the human race, then why did you entertain a relation with my mother?~

'enter into a relationship' instead of 'entertain a relation'

 

@112 = ~My human form, at least when I assumed it, was curious and eager to learn more about this carnal ritual humans call love. In the end, your mother proved to be an amusing experiment.~

You make it sound like his human form is a seperate entity capable of seperate thought. I imagine you want something like 'When I first began assuming my human form, I was curious to learn about all of your strange customs including this carnal ritual you call love.' The rest is fine.

 

@113 = ~I don’t want to hear anymore of this; let me go!~

'I won't hear any more of this! Let me go!'

 

@114 = ~*I say* when it is over! I have devised great plans for you.~

'*I* will say when it is over and that time has not yet come! I have great plans for you.' Changed the stress slightly.

 

@115 = ~And I don’t want to take part in it. It is likely filled with evil intent.~

'And I want no part in them! Any scheme devised by you is likely filled with evil intent'. Small note, you used 'it' when you wanted 'them'. In the previous line you stated he has plans rather than a plan. Her response should respect that.

 

@116 = ~You are headstrong child. For the sake of your own good, I will not allow you to neglect such grand opportunity.~

'You are a headstrong child. For your own good, I will not allow you to neglect such a grand opportunity'

 

@117 = ~Conster, I want the child to reflect on her predicament. Lock her up in one of the empty cells. A few days of confinement will soothe her impetuous will.~

'on her situation'. 'A few days of incarceration will break her impetuous will'

 

@118 = ~Yes, my Lord.~

Fine.

 

@119 = ~You are a monster! I shall not let myself be caged so easily.~

'I will not let myself be caged so easily!'

 

@120 = ~My powers far exceed yours, it is fruitless to resist. ~

'it is useless to resist.'

 

Hope that helps. Feel free to ask me any questions about my changes.

[Red Knight]

Okay, I'll have a crack at it:

 

Thanks for the comments.

I am thinking but more likely sinking.

 

104: 'reason for your coming' again sounds like some sort of sex education course.

Not intended. As per my original dialogue, will 'visit' do?

Relentlessly disappeared...I thought a ruthless dragon would be relentless in his search despite the fact that of course it's usually implied for a vengeance or a search and destroy mission.

 

106: 'She remained unaware of my true nature and therefore of what was growing inside her'.

Firkraag left her unaware of what was growing inside and only realized he had a daughter when he heard about the funeral, with the intention to also say: .I did not come after you earlier because I did not know about you. I thought the funeral only suggested it and I needed to state clearly he knew the daughter was his.

 

108: 'I'm sure your mother lied to you from birth saying that I was a simple man who had died at the hand of some evil foe. Bandits or the like.'

No comment added. I sort of really fail to grasp what's wrong with my text from a grammar point of view.

I'll add my own comment. It starts with an exclamation Daughter? Ah yes! - Firkraag suddenly realizes that Sheena's mother likely lied to her, weaved a string of lies.

Humans are prompt to conceal and deceive. - A general remark stating that all humans are prompt to adopt this kind of attitude and not only his mother but all of them because he needs to convince her to 'let go of that wrecthed human part'. Basically, all humans have lied to her, including her mother and she should embrace her draconic life.

Your mother's lies about your father probably comprised my premature death at the hand of some evil foe. - Well here, he elaborates a lie that he assumes is the truth and simply because if it is the truth then he further seeds doubts in Sheena's mind. Your part is actually much better in the sense that he says: I am sure. Still the grammar part eludes me.

By now, you should have guessed your father was not human - I had to cut it short because it is a cutscene (head strings).

 

112. You make it sound like his human form is a seperate entity capable of seperate thought.

I want to make it sound like that it was his human form, when he felt his human male body and of course what comes with a male body, that made him curious about human customs.

 

116: 'You are a headstrong child. For your own good, I will not allow you to neglect such a grand opportunity'

Just a grammar question here, is there always an article after 'such' or are you just trying to stress the grand opportunity by adding the article 'a'?

[Grim Squeaker]

104: Well, its got to be 'for your visit' rather than 'of your visit'. And personally I don't think visit works for this as the word visit implies it was of their choice when clearly it wasn't in this case. I suppose you could have 'relentlessly searching for you'.

 

106: Err... I'm not sure what you're saying. My alteration of the last night changes nothing about what your dialogue is saying it just makes it clearer.

 

108: Which bit of my alterations are you wanting me to explain?

 

112: Yeah, and my suggestions still says that. However you said this: 'My human form, at least when I assumed it, was curious and eager to learn'. When you say 'my human form was curious' you are implying that he is not the same person as his human form, which he clearly is.

 

116: Yes. 'such grand opportunity' doesn't make any sense. You could have 'such grand opportunities' were the situation plural however it is singular there so you need to say 'a grand opportunity' rather than 'grand opportunity'. Similar examples would be 'it is a dog' as opposed to 'it is dog' (the plural being 'they are dogs' which clearly doesn't have an 'a').

[Necaradan666]

You might want to have all the characters in your cutscene standing further apart or have more time between each line because when I watched it all the floating text was mashed together and hard to read.

[Red Knight]

Thanks again Grim for taking your time on this. It's really appreciated.

 

104: "Well, its got to be 'for your visit' rather than 'of your visit'. And personally I don't think visit works for this as the word visit implies it was of their choice when clearly it wasn't in this case. I suppose you could have 'relentlessly searching for you'."

In the first place, Firkraag asked her to visit (I did not exactly put it that way) but the idea could still be imprinted on his mind. Besides, by using the word 'visit' he then still implies his intentions were/are friendly. 'Brought you here' is pretty much the situation but somehow doesn't imply friendly intentions.

 

106: "Err... I'm not sure what you're saying. My alteration of the last night changes nothing about what your dialogue is saying it just makes it clearer"

That's fine. Your dialogue sure flows and sounds much better. I'll keep that.

 

108: "Which bit of my alterations are you wanting me to explain?"

It was rather the other way round and basically what was wrong with my lines from a grammar or phrasing or idea point of view .

'Humans are prompt to conceal and deceive.' - something's wrong here, no doubt, like the line is left hanging in the air.

'Your mother's lies about your father probably entailed my premature death at the hand of some evil foe.-

This is the original dialogue. Entail implies a consequence and make it sound like her mother's lies led really to Firkraag's death. The word sounds dubious, I know, but is Firkraag also not -this way- emphasizing that the lie is -all the more- real since *he* is very much alive? I don't know if that makes much sense.

 

112: "Yeah, and my suggestions still says that. However you said this: 'My human form, at least when I assumed it, was curious and eager to learn'. When you say 'my human form was curious' you are implying that he is not the same person as his human form, which he clearly is."

I agree that my views are debatable, and as anyone does, I try to hold my ground before conceding that I'm wrong. From a mind, personality... point of view yes, he is the same person, but he changes physically in a drastic way, couldn't that affect slightly what he thinks of himself?

The fact that maybe his eyes do not have infravision in darkness when attiring a human form, that he lacks a tail, wings and claws, could that not affect how he feels about himself? Make him feel like...he is a different person and with different urges (plural) than when he is a dragon.

[Grim Squeaker]

I would still say not. I think any time someone polymorphs in D&D they keep their original mind. I mean, they may want to experiment with their new found body but they don't start thinking like it e.g. If Jaheira turned into a dog it wouldn't mean she'd instinctively want to hump your leg.

[Red Knight]

I would still say not.  I think any time someone polymorphs in D&D they keep their original mind.  I mean, they may want to experiment with their new found body but they don't start thinking like it e.g. If Jaheira turned into a dog it wouldn't mean she'd instinctively want to hump your leg.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

If a woman is pregnant, maybe her mood will change or she'll want to eat different or unusual things.

You might feel this is completely different. Well, we all work on assumptions when there is no answer.

I did not say Firkraag's mind was different simply that like in my example he would feel different and want to try a few new things with his appearance.

 

But fine I'll go your way, what about:

My human appearance, at least when I assumed it, made me curious and eager...

[Grim Squeaker]

Well, the whole argument is pretty ridiculous as the moment you start applying science to magic things go wrong (e.g. timestop). Its impossible that you could have the same mind inside a less intelligent creature as the creatures brain is significantly smaller and less complex, so the Jaheira/Dog example would be be impossible. However, as this is a world of magic these things are deemed to be possible, so I think we have to assume that the person's mind is unchanged when they assume a new form despite any changes in hormones or brain size in their new form.

 

'When I first assumed my human form I became curious and eager...'

 

I think you have to say that this was only at the start otherwise it sounds kind of weird (you are implying that every time he becomes human he becomes curious about what sex is like, when obviously after the first time he knows what its like).