Father Nature

[BevH]

(the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

 

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes, I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

 

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

 

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her...look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.

 

We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

[BigRob]

If you bolt some handles on the walls, the flying Superman becomes a much easier prospect.

[cliffette]

That was imagery I didn't need. :/

[g'lain]

 

That gave me a much needed laugh this evening. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bev.

[icelus]

I will attest that all of it is 100% true. The Truth must be told!

 

Also, toilet seat covers should be equipped with Velcros so that when you lift the lid it sticks to the cover on the tank. Not a huge Velcro, mind, but just in a couple of spots so that the lid stays in place.

 

Or, better yet, everyone should just use dark yellow as the primary decorating color in their bathrooms.

[Guest Evaine unlogged]

I can't understand the ladies. Why force the guys to sit down? I wouldn't want to have a sissy by my side.

[Kaeloree]

Haha, that made my day. Thanks Bev

[Borsook]

That would have been funny if it weren't true... I have a friend who ruins the floor of my toilet every time he comes to vist... It's no fun at all.

[Andyr]

Being a man > being a woman.

[Ghreyfain]

I really question how bad guys aim can be. I don't recall ever missing in my twenty-three years. I mean... wtf? A toilet bowl is what, 12 inches across? 16 even?

[Borsook]

Well, yes I don't miss either. Most of us don't miss, but those who do make a real mess of things.

[cliffette]

Being a man > being a woman.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

So this one is an oldie, but it's a goodie.

 

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe -- but he had two extra things left over in his bag, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

 

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

 

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

 

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

 

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well I guess that leaves you with the other thing ... what was it again? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[Andyr]

I really question how bad guys aim can be.  I don't recall ever missing in my twenty-three years.  I mean... wtf?  A toilet bowl is what, 12 inches across?  16 even?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Even when drunk?

[JPS]

I really question how bad guys aim can be.  I don't recall ever missing in my twenty-three years.  I mean... wtf?  A toilet bowl is what, 12 inches across?  16 even?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Even when drunk?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Are you trying to say that toilet bowls get smaller when they're drunk?

 

(no, I'm not coming late to this discussion. That was a dramatic pause)

[Fallen_Demon]

Being a man > being a woman.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

So this one is an oldie, but it's a goodie.

 

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe -- but he had two extra things left over in his bag, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

 

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

 

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

 

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

 

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well I guess that leaves you with the other thing ... what was it again? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I used to have a friend who was a girl and peed standing up.